Mulligan in the Middle

When you think of the Irish you think of three things; awesome accent, leprechauns and one hell of a great drinking ability. After this St Paddys day all that comes to mind when I think of the Irish is angry red headed crazy women.

Anyway lets start from the beginning. After a pretty hard day at work I looked on my Facebook and realised it was St Paddys day. It had totally slipped my mind, even though it was a Tuesday and I was still recovering from a huge hangover from The Eagles concert, I had to go out! I convinced my flatmate Tony to come out with me, I asked him if his friend could drop us in because drinking and driving is a big no no guys.

We got dropped to town at about half nine, as we exited the car the sound of Irish folk music could be heard bellowing out of the Irish pub called the Mount Melic. We walk in and were greeted warmly by the bar staff who where in the Saint Paddies spirit. I brought a Guinness beer which is an authentic Irish beer, you either love it or hate it and I freaking love it. Being as it was Saint Paddies day they were on special so I threw a good 5 of them down my throat. The place was so busy with the dance floor pumping. I started dancing doing the Mulligan Shuffle which is basically a drunk version of a bobble head toy, add a couple of arms swinging about and hey presto – you have the Mulligan Shuffle! I started throwing it down on the d floor and got the attention of two pretty attractive girls. We started dancing together, one was blonde and the other had ginger hair. We were having such a great time, my mate tapped me on the shoulder and said he was off home, buggar that I thought i’m staying!

I continued dancing, the ginger chick went out for a smoke and me and the blondie continued dancing and began hooking up. When ginger spice came back blondie had shot off to the toilet, so I started dancing with her and then we started to hook up. “This is fucking brilliant!!” I thought to myself. Blondie came back and we continued all dancing together, both chicks grinding on me. “Do you want come back to our hostel?” Ginger spice asked over the music in a very thick Irish accent. “yea for sure” I said with a smirk. Then suddenly the blonde girl asked the same question in her thick accent, I gave her the same answer. So off the three of us went back to the backpackers. When we got there they had two separate beds. The blondie grabbed my hand and started to guide me to her bed “Morgan?! what the fuck are you doing, he is fucking mine!!” Ginger spice said grabbing my other arm. “fuck of bitch you always do this! I invited him back” replied Blondie” No you fucking didn’t I did!” Ginger snapped back. Suddenly it was all on! A angry ginger spice pulled blondies hair. Whack!! Blondie retaliated with a huge slap, they tackled each other to the floor. I wasn’t sure if I should be turned on or shocked but either way I was loving it. “Ok ok ok thats enough” I said attempting to break them up which was harder than I thought. I explained what had happened at the club, playing the innocent guy in the middle. “There is plenty of me to go around, why don’t you two make up and lets turn the lights off and see what happens” I said. They both looked at me probably thinking “oh this poor guy” and then looked at each other and apologised, “thank fuck for that!” I thought. I turned off the lights and it was all on! Luckily I popped a viagra earlier because these two chicks were two goers and wanted to use me as much as they could. I felt like my penis was a fucking gear stick with two drivers taking turns with it. It went from being in neutral, to reverse then top gear for a couple of hours. They went to sleep at about 6 so I grabbed my clothes and tip toed out of there with my gear stick still rock hard. What a crazy bloody night!


A Night With A John Cena Fan

I met this pretty nice looking chick on Tinder the other day. After a pretty great weekend in Auckland at the NRL Nines I got back to the reality of work in Tauranga on Monday. After struggling through the morning trying to work through a vicious hangover I jumped on the Tinder dating app on my iPhone. After what seemed like at least a hundred swipes to the left, I stumbled upon a girl that looked ok. I was almost going to swipe left for no thanks, then suddenly I read in her bio that she liked watching Wrestling!!!!! Holy fuck my dream girl I thought.

 I waited and waited for a notification to see if she liked me back. Within an hour Tinder notified me I had a match – and it was her! Too sweet!!! We started chatting and I brought up liking wrestling, which to her excitement and to my shock, she invited me over to her place to have a night of watching wrestling DVD’s. A dream come true I thought! I asked if she wanted me to bring any DVD’s but she said she had heaps for us to watch.

I got myself ready and laid all my wrestling t-shirts I had brought from out on my bed trying to figure out which to wear. I settled on my bullet club t-shirt my friend Bad Luck Fale had given me. I pulled up to her house and I was greeted warmly “do you like my shirt?” I asked, “yeah its cool, is it a rock band?” she questioned. GREAT! She didn’t know who the Bullet Club was – what type of wrestling fan was she!? We sat and talked for a while, I asked her who her favourite wrestler was and she said with excitement in her voice “John Cena” ohhhh fuck god no I thought! The man of a whopping 10 moves, seen one match seen them bloody all ughhh. “Oh cool” I said with a depressed look on my face. “Who are yours” she fired back at me. Each name I rattled off she had no idea who the hell they were. I tried to change subjects and asked what DVD’s she had for us to watch. She ran over to the TV and just when I thought this night couldn’t get any worse she pulled out the fucking John Cena Experience, a three disc DVD set of doom! “Have you got anything else” I pleaded but she insisted she really wanted to watch the doctor of thugonomics. So for two and a half hours we watched John Cena wrestle the same fucking match but with different oponents and slighty different jorts. I kept trying to kiss her but she was glued to this crap, eventually she caved in to my advances and we began to make out. It started to get hot and heavy and I went to turn the TV off but she wanted it left on. So while we got down to business we have John fucking Cena in the background cutting a god awful promo. Let me tell you it was EXTREMELY hard to get in the groove while that crap was on in the background. After we were all done the disc had finally gone back to the menu, we got changed and I told her I had an early start so she released me. As I bid her goodnight I wished her well in her future endeavours to which she said “we will have to do this again real soon, I will buy John Cenas Greatest Rivalries for us to watch” FUCK THAT I thought I would rather watch Eva Marie best of dvd!!!