New Years – Cheapskates, Mates and Sandy Dates

What an extremely bizarre News Years it was, I have been really reluctant to blog about it because it was a little too messed up to put into words. But after taking a harden up pill I decided to share with you all – enjoy.

Since Rhythm and Vines was off the cards because my two mates wanted me to pay for them and promised they would pay me back sometime (heard that old chestnut before), I decided against that idea and to head to Ohope beach for the night, which is where a lot of my family are from. Before I went I needed to pick up a present for my Aunty as her birthday is the 31st of December. I stopped off in Tauranga looking around eventually strolling down to where all the pubs are located. “Hello” a foreign sounding voice said. I turned my head and saw two girls sitting at the bar, both looked pretty decent. “You like drink?” they asked. I grab myself a beer and sat down with them.

I couldn’t believe my luck, being asked to come for a beer with two fairly attractive foreigners. I attempted to start a conversation but they did not have a clue to what I was saying. I then started using hand gestures which seemed to do the trick. I got out of them that they were from France and staying in Tauranga next door at the backpackers. After an awkward 5 minutes of smiling and simple conversation like “weather very hot yea” their larger ‘I just walked out of a Zombie casting call’ friend turned up. She looked dead with bags under her eyes larger than her mates fucking tits. Luckily she spoke much better English and told me she had just slept for 20 hours straight suffering from chronic jet lag.

We continue chatting and I notice the original two had not refilled their drinks since I had been there, being the gentleman I am and also thinking fuck me I could do alright here; I brought all three of them a drink. We continue to chat until The Walking Dead extra lets it slip that they all have boyfriends “yeah our boyfriends are all asleep upstairs night now”. Ummmm you fucking what are where. These cheapskate lil shits had invited me for a drink so I could pay for theirs. I could tell the other two weren’t very happy with her as they must have understood what she said, as they gave her the evils probably thinking that they could bleed another couple of drinks out of me. After necking my beer and contemplating drinking their drinks I got up and said “see you later” and that was that.

Not long after that I head to Ohope beach, with the new motorway open it only took an hour 20 to get there. Once I got to my cousins it was cold beer after cold beer, he had been drinking since mid-day so was pretty toasted when I rocked up at 6. We continued drinking with my Aunty and Uncle till around ten, then me and my cousin headed off to the Ohope beach camping grounds. We found a ton of other people drinking there, introduced ourselves and began drinking. I set my eyes on this fairly attractive goth looking chick with piercings all over her face. We struck it off pretty well, she introduced me to her best friend whom she was sharing a tent with – a dude. ‘Oh he’s cute babe” he said to gothy after shaking my hand, thank god he’s an Adam and Steve type of guy I thought.

We carried on chatting for what seemed like a good hour. These two certainly live the alternative lifestyle, telling me how they live up in Auckland and usually squat at homes that are being built or live between friends’ houses. Me and gothy had a New Year’s kiss at the countdown and we all continued chatting and drinking. As it does, the subject of sex came up and gothys gay friend; whose name is Lance, started going on about how great gothy is at giving head. Chiming in she admits she is and loves doing it. Getting all hot and horny she tells me she is going to the toilet inviting me to come, I leap up like a spring chicken. Lance says he needs to go as well; instant cock block I thought. Gothy takes me into the boy’s toilet’s kissing me and grabbing my penis out of my pants like a women possessed. She starts stroking it “you wanna try something fun” she asked “fuck yeah” I replied. Pointing to a make shift glory hole that had been made in the wall she tells me to put my penis in there and she will go into the toilet next door and suck me off. I shove my willy in there as fast as possible and suddenly my penis is getting the best blow job, damn this is some weird shit but it was so bloody good. Suddenly gothy reappears in my toilet but wait a fucking minute this blow job is still happening.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING” I say in a frightened voice.

“Don’t worry” she says fondling my balls. “Just enjoy it”.

“Nah nah, oi stop please” I say to the blow jobber.

I stagger out of the toilet with a full chubby to find fucking Lance on this knees, “boy you seemed to really like that Seany”.

All I could get out of my mouth was “n n nah I didn’t”.

WHAT THE FUCK HAD JUST HAPPENED!!!! These filthy squatters had fooled me into thinking I was getting head from gothy only to find Lance sucking me off.

“Come back and let me finish you” Lance said excitedly.

“No fuck no, you guys tricked me, I’ve got to go” I said, and with that I fucking legged it out of there completely mind fucked as to what had just happened. I ran the half way back to my Aunty and Uncles along the beach leaving my cousin there to fend for himself, realizing how drunk I was and sit down to a rest and end up passing up on the sand dunes.

Well it’s been a few days since New Year’s now and I have processed what happened, another lesson learnt. If you get a blow job from putting your willy through a glory hole make sure you know, or are prepared for who is on the other fucking side!


A tinder meet up

To say I am still a little shaken up from what happened on Tuesday night is an absolute bloody understatement, and sometimes saying “fuck it, just go with it” is not a great moto to live by. After getting back from a big weekend with the boys in Hamilton I did what any single, warm blooded, horny, self-obsessed male would do had a crank and then I jumped on tinder for some fun. Now, I must confess I am no Tinder virgin; I have had my fair share of girls off there so in that respect I usually have a fair idea of what I am getting myself in for. I started swiping away and I suddenly turned into this fussy prick and was swiping everything to the left, that was until I found a really hot brunette chick that was only 1km away – walking distance! I swiped right and boom I had a match. We started chatting about the usual bullshit, she seemed really natural with all the flirting and was telling me everything I wanted to hear. The only weird thing was that she admitted to having a foot fetish and asked me for a picture. So I took a photo of my hairy arse foot and she fucking loved it! I eagerly wanted to meet up but she wasn’t to sure, but after a bit of subtle convincing she agreed to meet up, but told me to keep an open mind, hmmm weird but I thought she probably just has a insecurity about something.
I grabbed her number and texted her straight away, she gave me her address where she was staying which was just down the road at the local motel. I jumped in the shower had a wash, necked back 3 beers and 4 shots and I was out the door. I was in a great cheerful mood as I made my way to the motel. I texted her when I got there and waited. After 5 minutes she replied “I’m coming out but please keep an open mind”. I waited another couple of minutes and noticed a guy had come out of one of the units. “Are you Sean” he nervously asked. Oh fuck! Its her boyfriend I thought time to fucking run, “Yeah man that’s me, are you with Candice?” I asked. “Um ok don’t be mad but um well, I am Candice” he blurted out. FUCK SAKES! What the Fucking fuck, I had just been Catfished I thought. Now if you aren’t familiar with the term catfish its when someone pretends to be someone they’re not usually using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.
“What the fuck!” I said glaring at this middle aged guy clenching my fists ready to lay the smackdown on him. “Sorry, please please hear me out, I have an offer for you, please just hear me out” he pleaded “What is it!” I demanded. “Ok sorry I know I am not Candice, and I normally wouldn’t meet up with anyone I would just string them along on tinder, but your feet are just amazing I have a offer for you” he said looking at me, “Oh great your a guy with a foot fetish” I said shaking my head. “Yes yes i am, now if you let me take a few photos of your feet I will give you five hundred dollars cash” he said pulling out five one hundred dollars notes. I stood there for a moment puzzled, what the hell do I do? I wasn’t sure what to say, “um I’m not sure mate, this is messed up” I managed say. He looked at me while his hand was busy in his pocket. “Ok I have 6 hundred dollars, that’s my last offer” he said. What the hell should i do? I stood there a moment thinking and thinking then said “Let me have the money first and you have a deal” with caution in my voice. “No problem” he said handing over the cash. With that he invited me in. The first thing I noticed was a very expensive camera set up on a tripod, the second thing that caught my eye was what looked like a dog bed which in actual fact it probably bloody was. “Ohh k so how should we do this?” I nervously asked. He smiled and replied “If you could take your shoes off and give them a rinse in the shower while I will set up the camera. As I cleaned my feet I felt as if I was an innocent Anastasia Steele about to get shown the red room of pain by Christian Grey, what the fuck am I doing.
As I walked out of the bathroom he gasped “oh my god! those are lovely feet!” I looked down at my feet and back up at him, this guy is odd. He told me he would like me to sit on the bed and to put my feet into the dog bed which had been customised with a pink silky cloth sewn into it. He offered me a beer which I gladly accepted. “Let us begin” he smiled. He made me do all these weird poses with my feet, putting one on top of the other, scrunching them up and putting these creepy rings on them. With every photo taken he seemed to get more excited. I noticed he was kind of sweating, this guy is fucking loving this. He then made me put my hands on my feet as if I was stroking them “oh yeah just like that” he said wiping the sweat from his forehead as he snapped away. While all of this was happening I was chugging down the beers and in my drunken state of mind I had what I thought was a good idea. Thinking to myself wondered how much more cash he would give me if I let this prick lick my feet, fuck it i’ll ask him”. “How much would you consider paying if I let you lick these bad boys?” I questioned. “Oh my, would you let me do that, ok ok ok I will check my account. After a few moments of checking his bank he replied; “I could give you five more hundred”. Not to sell my feet short I paused and pretended I wasn’t sure if I was guna take it, then I said “deal”.
I finished all the beers in his mini bar fridge while he went and got the money out, what the fuck am I doing I thought yet again. He came back with the cash and gladly handed it over. “Ok you have five minutes, enjoy”. Now this next five minutes were the fucking worst five minutes I have EVER experienced, getting that tattoo on my penis wasn’t as bad as this. It was as if he was giving each one of my toes a fucking blow job, he must have really liked my big toes because he was sucking the shit out of them. “This is so good” he muffled with a mouthful of toes. “Ok your five minutes are up” I said with the sound of relief in my voice. “Thank you so much, this has been an amazing night” he said smiling. “Sweet as, goodnight” and with that I got the fuck out of there, this by far was the weirdest thing I have ever done!
I don’t know what the moral is to this story as I felt so weird the next morning even though I had a pocket full of cash. I guess you could say every bad situation can turn into a good situation if you have good looking toes.




Getting Shat on Literally

I first meet Bayley in Tauranga town one weekend. I was catching up with a couple of mates outside a bar on the strand; I hadn’t seen them since school. We were watching all the talent walk past making comments to one another on who was looking hot and what not. It had been 6 years since we had finished high school and these two had always been the nerdiest friends I had hung out with. Since school had finished I had gotten on with my rugby moving to Hamilton, whereas they just hadn’t seemed to have changed at all. To show them how much I had changed I decided to approach a girl in front of them just to show them “look at me now lads!” Even though I was pretty confident that this would work I still was a little nervous. I scanned the packed street for any girls that looked single, finally I spotted one that had dropped her bag and I fucking pounced! She was picking it up when I walked over to her, “are you ok”? I said. As she looked up at me she had the most amazing eyes I had ever seen. They were as green as an emerald. I started stuttering “come on Mullie” I thought, the nerds are watching. “you’re like really nice tonight” is all I could manage to say. “Fuck” I thought, she grabbed me, kissed me and said “you’re coming home with me”. “WHAT THE FUCK!” I thought, I looked at the nerds and they looked as gobsmacked as me! Later on I found out Bayley was on the lookout for a guy to take home because her step brother was up from wellington that she used to fuck and she wanted to rub a guy in his face.

I think Bayley intended this to be a one night stand because after we finished rooting – which was pretty average to be honest, she started doing the fake yawning. “Fuck!” I thought thats my trick. I started to think “well if this is a one night stand I need to take a souvenir to show the boys because they would never believe I scored someone as moist as this” I still couldn’t get over how cool her eyes were; she had all these photos over her wall of her and all her friends. While she went to the toilet to wash all the sex away. I got changed, grabbed a photo, stuffed it in my pocket and proceeded to leave.

The following Tuesday I took the photos to rugby training to show the boys. They all asked what her name was, shit I never asked for it, typical. One of the boys noticed it was on the back of one of the photos. I couldn’t get home fast enough to find her on Facebook, I found her and sent her a message. She was kinda creeped out how I found her, I convinced her she told me, and luckily she believed me. I wasn’t going to tell her the truth that I stole a couple of her photos for the Mulligan wank bank

I started browsing her profile noticing she liked some weird shit, stuff like “two girls one cup” and “Scat appreciation” which to all of you that don’t know what that is – its poo porn, really fucked up shit. I didn’t think much of it as we continued to talk for ages. I still lived in Hamilton and she lived in Otumoetai in Tauranga. Her parents were away one weekend and she invited me over to have a crazy sex session, as she put it. I turned up there and was greeted with tequila shot after tequila shot until the bottle was demolished not to mention a few fat lines of mdma.

We started fucking with the lights on dim so I was fixated on her eyes, she was so hot. The sex though was just boring; she lay there like a dead person while I wiggled my arse back and forth. Suddenly out of nowhere she rolled me and suddenly she was on top, penis not even falling out, rather skilful of her. She lent in and whispered in my ear “do you wanna try something crazy?” here we go I thought, we are gonna have anal. “Yes of coarse” I whispered back. Then she whispered the unthinkable “can I shit on you” WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK I thought WHY IS THIS HOT GIRL WANTING TO POO ON ME!! Arhhhhh I quickly contemplated it and then I whispered back… “ok” now before you ask why, I did it so I could tell the story to the boys. Looking back I wish I said no no no NOOOO. But alas I continue, she reverse cow girled on me. The next thing I know in my drunken haze I’m staring into her bum hole. It gradually begins to expand and slowly but surely this log of doom starts to appear. As soon as it touches my stomach I freaked out “Ewww yuck what the fuck” I scream. She starts laughing and starts to make out that its normal and I’m the weird one for not letting her finish. “Finish in the toilet you weirdo!” I scream. She walks to the toilet with half a shit hanging out of her arse. I take off into the shower poo smudge on my tummy and all I jump in the shower, then quickly say goodbye attempting to drive not realising I would probably be over the limit. I zoom to my parent’s place and have another shower for what seemed like an hour using every different type of soap I could find. Safe to say I deleted and blocked Bayley on Facebook, moral of the story – if you see that someone likes scat porn on Facebook INVESTIGATE because they just might wanna take a dump on ya bloody chest.