THE WORST WEEKEND OF MY SEX LIFE EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

You think you had a bad weekend as it pertains to sex? Believe you me; mine was 10 times worse! With just the shit that went down last Friday night I was going to put pen to paper and write up a blog called ‘A Bad Weekend’, but then Saturday night came and went and I’m changing the title to THE WORST WEEKEND OF MY SEX LIFE EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
It all started on the Friday. I had been messaging a Tinder girl from Tauranga for a while. We had already gone on two dates and she had a three-date minimum before sex – which was fine, totally respectable and commendable. So I called over to her place after I had finished work with a bottle of honey whiskey. She’d already started drinking a couple of hours before and urged me to catch up. Not only did I catch up, I bloody overtook her shot-ing most of my 1 litre of whiskey I had brought. We started kissing on her sofa, I remember popping a Viagra and sneakily putting my shiny new cock ring I had brought on. Then the whiskey hit me like a freight train and I passed out.
I woke up/came too with her on top of me, with me inside her but I could hear a guy’s voice. “WTF” I thought as no guy had been at her place beforehand. I look up and while she was riding me she was sucking off a random guy. I admittedly panicked and told her to get off and that I wasn’t comfortable with this. To say she hit the roof was an understatement! “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!” she began “WHY ARE YOU BEING SO WEIRD THIS!” Hmmm maybe because I had no clue as to what was going on? She stormed out of her room and random guy walked out to console her. I went to the toilet and as they were outside still having a smoke, I went back to sleep. I woke up in the morning in her bed with no-one else, I walked out to the lounge to see him and her cuddled on the sofa. I picked up my shoes and got the fuck outta there, still trying to figure out what the fuck had happened.
Saturday didn’t start for me until about 3pm when I stumbled out of bed, hopped into the car and took off to Hamilton. I met up with the girl whom I shagged on New Year’s at her place. We had been talking since New Year and were going to go to town clubbing on Saturday. We started drinking and she decides to bust out the Jager and here we go, another slippery slope for Mr Mulligan. She ordered a taxi and fuck me I can’t find my wallet, we look everywhere for it even ripping my car apart but to no avail. She still wants to go to town so she puts me to bed in her bed and whispers “I’ll be back to have some fun” I smile and pass out.
“Sean? Sean? Sean!!!!!!!” she yells at me shaking me. I wake up and start to grin, for the fun to come I thought. But I look up at her and notice a big buff Maori bloke behind her. Fuck me I thought, not another repeat of Friday night’s debauchery. It’s even fucking worse, “Um hi” she begins nicely. “Can you go sleep on the sofa please?” she asks. She has brought back a fucking shag!!!!!!!! Feeling defeated and dejected I go lie on her sofa and try to drift back to sleep but not before I hear this girl that I actually liked moaning as this dude rooted her. WORST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE DOT COM.
Advertisements

A tinder meet up

To say I am still a little shaken up from what happened on Tuesday night is an absolute bloody understatement, and sometimes saying “fuck it, just go with it” is not a great moto to live by. After getting back from a big weekend with the boys in Hamilton I did what any single, warm blooded, horny, self-obsessed male would do had a crank and then I jumped on tinder for some fun. Now, I must confess I am no Tinder virgin; I have had my fair share of girls off there so in that respect I usually have a fair idea of what I am getting myself in for. I started swiping away and I suddenly turned into this fussy prick and was swiping everything to the left, that was until I found a really hot brunette chick that was only 1km away – walking distance! I swiped right and boom I had a match. We started chatting about the usual bullshit, she seemed really natural with all the flirting and was telling me everything I wanted to hear. The only weird thing was that she admitted to having a foot fetish and asked me for a picture. So I took a photo of my hairy arse foot and she fucking loved it! I eagerly wanted to meet up but she wasn’t to sure, but after a bit of subtle convincing she agreed to meet up, but told me to keep an open mind, hmmm weird but I thought she probably just has a insecurity about something.
I grabbed her number and texted her straight away, she gave me her address where she was staying which was just down the road at the local motel. I jumped in the shower had a wash, necked back 3 beers and 4 shots and I was out the door. I was in a great cheerful mood as I made my way to the motel. I texted her when I got there and waited. After 5 minutes she replied “I’m coming out but please keep an open mind”. I waited another couple of minutes and noticed a guy had come out of one of the units. “Are you Sean” he nervously asked. Oh fuck! Its her boyfriend I thought time to fucking run, “Yeah man that’s me, are you with Candice?” I asked. “Um ok don’t be mad but um well, I am Candice” he blurted out. FUCK SAKES! What the Fucking fuck, I had just been Catfished I thought. Now if you aren’t familiar with the term catfish its when someone pretends to be someone they’re not usually using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.
“What the fuck!” I said glaring at this middle aged guy clenching my fists ready to lay the smackdown on him. “Sorry, please please hear me out, I have an offer for you, please just hear me out” he pleaded “What is it!” I demanded. “Ok sorry I know I am not Candice, and I normally wouldn’t meet up with anyone I would just string them along on tinder, but your feet are just amazing I have a offer for you” he said looking at me, “Oh great your a guy with a foot fetish” I said shaking my head. “Yes yes i am, now if you let me take a few photos of your feet I will give you five hundred dollars cash” he said pulling out five one hundred dollars notes. I stood there for a moment puzzled, what the hell do I do? I wasn’t sure what to say, “um I’m not sure mate, this is messed up” I managed say. He looked at me while his hand was busy in his pocket. “Ok I have 6 hundred dollars, that’s my last offer” he said. What the hell should i do? I stood there a moment thinking and thinking then said “Let me have the money first and you have a deal” with caution in my voice. “No problem” he said handing over the cash. With that he invited me in. The first thing I noticed was a very expensive camera set up on a tripod, the second thing that caught my eye was what looked like a dog bed which in actual fact it probably bloody was. “Ohh k so how should we do this?” I nervously asked. He smiled and replied “If you could take your shoes off and give them a rinse in the shower while I will set up the camera. As I cleaned my feet I felt as if I was an innocent Anastasia Steele about to get shown the red room of pain by Christian Grey, what the fuck am I doing.
As I walked out of the bathroom he gasped “oh my god! those are lovely feet!” I looked down at my feet and back up at him, this guy is odd. He told me he would like me to sit on the bed and to put my feet into the dog bed which had been customised with a pink silky cloth sewn into it. He offered me a beer which I gladly accepted. “Let us begin” he smiled. He made me do all these weird poses with my feet, putting one on top of the other, scrunching them up and putting these creepy rings on them. With every photo taken he seemed to get more excited. I noticed he was kind of sweating, this guy is fucking loving this. He then made me put my hands on my feet as if I was stroking them “oh yeah just like that” he said wiping the sweat from his forehead as he snapped away. While all of this was happening I was chugging down the beers and in my drunken state of mind I had what I thought was a good idea. Thinking to myself wondered how much more cash he would give me if I let this prick lick my feet, fuck it i’ll ask him”. “How much would you consider paying if I let you lick these bad boys?” I questioned. “Oh my, would you let me do that, ok ok ok I will check my account. After a few moments of checking his bank he replied; “I could give you five more hundred”. Not to sell my feet short I paused and pretended I wasn’t sure if I was guna take it, then I said “deal”.
I finished all the beers in his mini bar fridge while he went and got the money out, what the fuck am I doing I thought yet again. He came back with the cash and gladly handed it over. “Ok you have five minutes, enjoy”. Now this next five minutes were the fucking worst five minutes I have EVER experienced, getting that tattoo on my penis wasn’t as bad as this. It was as if he was giving each one of my toes a fucking blow job, he must have really liked my big toes because he was sucking the shit out of them. “This is so good” he muffled with a mouthful of toes. “Ok your five minutes are up” I said with the sound of relief in my voice. “Thank you so much, this has been an amazing night” he said smiling. “Sweet as, goodnight” and with that I got the fuck out of there, this by far was the weirdest thing I have ever done!
I don’t know what the moral is to this story as I felt so weird the next morning even though I had a pocket full of cash. I guess you could say every bad situation can turn into a good situation if you have good looking toes.

 

 

 

The Proposition

Wow what a great weekend it has been, my Mum asked me what my plans are for Easter. With a smirk I said “The same as Jesus: disappear on Friday, show up on Monday.” I headed to Napier on Good Friday, the roads were packed with families all going in different directions for the long weekend. As I went through the Napier Taupo gorge I passed the paddock were I had crashed before in the blog ‘Meeting Mountain Woman’ and noticed a sweet new fence had been constructed with a home made sign saying ‘SLOW DOWN!’ when I got to Tim’s I was greeted with a cold beer and a manly hug. We began chatting about the good old days. I asked what exactly are we doing tonight, and with a grin Tim told me we are going to one of his girl mates 21st birthday parties – fucking sweet i thought! We arrived at the party already half cut, they had booked out this huge hall and it was packed! We started mingling, I was riding Tim’s coat tail for a bit which was getting boring following him around. Finally somebody asked me what I do for a job, I quickly went through all the jobs in my head I could be but came back with the most trusty answer ‘Im a tattooist’ I replied with a smirk. I was finally the “it man” with everybody wanting to talk to me about what they wanted to get tattooed. As the night was getting on, I was becoming the life of the party joking, dancing and chatting to everyone, at one stage I’m pretty sure the granny wanted to shag me but lets not digress. Tim suggested we stay at the party over going to town as there was a sweet bar tab, I wasn’t going to complain everybody was loving this (fake) tattooist. Two of the people I were hanging around with the most were this couple Erin and Dan I think their names were. She was smoking hot but he was kinda nerdy, I found out it was her birthday so I brought over a round of shots which went down a treat. These two kept disapeering which I found annoying as they were the two I was hanging around with. After the third time I asked them where they were going. With a cheeky smirk she replied quite bluntly “for a fuck, i’m a nympho” shocked I replied “whoa, nice!” As the party was wrapping up I looked at Dan, the poor guy looked buggered. I toddled off to the toilet, I started going for a leak when heard a voice behind me “can I asked you of you would be interested in something?”. It was Dan, I put my snake back in my pants turned around and nodded, he continued “well as you know it’s Erin’s Birthday today and she has always wanted to have a threesome with two guys”. Oh shit I know where this is going, he paused and took a big gulp then followed with “would you like to come back to ours with us? I think you would be perfect because your not from here”. Fuck me this took me by surprise. Now normally I would say no but thinking of this blog and what a great story it would make I agreed.
Dan went back to tell Erin the good news, she hugged him, grabbed his hand and ran over to me “Lets go home” she grinned grabbing my hand too. As I headed towards the exit I yelled out to Tim “I’m going home with these two” he looked at me with a puzzled grin as if to think “what the fuck for”. As we got back to their place I noticed Dan was as uncomfortable as me “we don’t have to do this bro” I said “na na I owe her since for my birthday we had a threesome with her girl mate”. What a fucked up relationship I thought, what ever happened to a gift voucher or some bloody flowers. We all got naked, I had no clue what the limits were so I just stood there like a twit, she began to give as both oral which was great…. if the bloody light wasn’t on. Poor ol Dan couldn’t get it up but me on the other hand was standing to attention, so Erin decided to have doggy style with me while still performing oral on Dan. I asked again before I started “you all good with this bro?” He nodded so for the next 15 minutes I shag this poor guys girlfriend in front of him even making her climax. God I was feeling for the guy. After we finished he went all weird and said he wanted to sleep now so not wanting his sadness to turn to anger I quickly got dressed and said goodbye and hiked back to Tim’s.
Well apart from sleeping with a girl the following night who filmed me snoring, that was probably the most interesting thing that happened on my Easter weekend. Thanks for reading!

IMG_0697

Meeting Mountain Women

I decided to go on a holiday down to Napier. The Taupo-Napier Gorge is a hard drive especially in winter. The corners are unforgivingly sharp, mix that in with black ice and you have a recipe for some dangerous terrain. Driving down this time I was super tired and I was mucking around on my phone texting. I totally misjudged one corner going far too fast. I hit the brakes but slid off the road. I ended up in a paddock with luckily only a bloodied nose from smashing it on the steering wheel. Thank god for AA roadside rescue but what a waste of a day – it took 3 hours to get the car out of the paddock. Nothing was too wrong with it surprisingly and the AA guy said to take it to the garage immediately when I get to Napier. Yeah right, I thought. I’m getting on the piss!

I eventually made it down to Tim’s with my car looking a bit worse for wear. Tim had begun seeing a girl so he promised to be my wing-man when we went out so we decided to gear up for a big night. We went to the local Liquor Land bottle store to get some beer, the indian behind the counter looked exactly the same as the guy in the Hamilton and the Tauranga one – in fact I’m certain it’s the same guy!   We got back to Tim’s and I started chatting with someone off NZ dating which is a New Zealand dating site. So before we went to the clubs I thought we might as well go and meet this girl and her aunty. They lived up on the Napier Hill and before we arrived there me and Tim joked and said they would be simple mountain people, imagine dwarf’s off Lord of the Rings that had been raised in west Auckland then moved to a mountain. Well when we met them that’s definitely what they were.images4WKT5AUR They were already skin full of liquor, downing straight vodka. There were no pre mixed drinks for these dwarfs. As we walked through the door a strong stench of cigarettes and cat piss engulfed my nostrils, I could barely breathe. While Tim chatted with the aunty I went to the nieces room. There was no chit chat needed she knew what she wanted and we got it on, that’s all she wanted as after we finished she simply said ‘You can leave now’. Damn, I felt like a piece of meat and I kinda felt sad almost. I got changed and went back to see Tim. The Aunty causally asked me “is she done with you?” I nodded. She then asked if I was ready for round two with her! “No thanks’ I said. She then told us to leave and that was that’s.  These mountain folk are a weird bunch I thought with a smirk!