Vegas Baby

I met with my Contiki group and we headed off for Vegas. Contiki, is a bus tour designed for people 18 – 35 year olds, which is great as ya don’t get any old fuck on the tour. As we hit the highway out of Los Angeles our bus and all the cars behind it were flagged down by police to stop. Two police cars had pulled over a car and the driver was refusing to stop. It didn’t take long for two police cars to become five and guns drawn. Luckily, our tour guide made light of it and played The Clash’s “I Fought The Law” song whilst this was going on.


In my previous blog, I moaned about the Los Angeles heat but as soon as we got into Las Vegas, the middle of the desert, the heat was fucking insane. I even found it hard to breath. As I tried to find the nearest casino to run into, to escape the heat I saw some fucking local with jeans on. FUCKING JEANS ON!

We checked into Westgate Resort & Casino, I have never seen anything like it. There was a tattoo studio in the place where we were staing, MERICA. We went out clubbing that night, like everything in America the clubs were huge. I hung out with one of the bro’s for most of the night drinking expensive drinks, high as a fucking kite. We met up with a few of the peeps on the trip and decided to head back to our resort.

 

As we were walking back one of the English girls kept dropping subtle hints about herself and her situation. “Single in Vegas” she said out loud which oblivoulsy got my attention. She the put her arm around me calling me fucking SAM? “Sam, I don’t have a roommate” she said to me – Sean. I played along with her “Oh you are lucky, I do and he is a bloody strange English dude” Eventually, I asked her “Am I coming back to your room?” and she said “If you want.” That night I showed her why Kiwis always come first whether it be at rugby or at sex, because I bloody eurpted in fucking minutes. Oh the shame.


The next day, involved a lot of legal weed, swims by the pool to nurse the hangover, deep fried pickles and a kick ass Cirque du Soleil show. God I love vegas.

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What Annoys Me About Tinder Girls

Lately I have been getting sick as fuck of tinder, every second profile I come across is either a fake profile or just too bloody terrible to look at. Recently I have been jotting down notes of what has been really bugging me and I thought these need to be shared. Please realise these are notes put together so they don’t have any point to them, they just random rants. Every fucking second fucking profile is from the USA for FUCK SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!! guna feel sorry for someone that is legit from the US but every time I swipe on one of these profiles they ask me to go to something along the lines of fuckme.com or some other bullshit fake as fuck site, arghhhhhhhh. 

If your tinder profile is just photos of bloody scenery don’t moan because people don’t swipe right! I don’t want to fuck a mountain, I want titties the size of mountains. Yes that’s a lovely fucking river but fuck sakes SHOW ME YOU! 

If your tinder profile is a fucking essay of what you want in a guy, don’t moan because people don’t swipe right example fucking one 

I have this personal trait where I care too much about others and go out of my way to make sure they’re happy, and forget about my own happiness. So I’ve decided I’m going to be a bit selfish for once in my life and look after myself and my happiness. I am relocating to Taupo as step one in my own happiness. Step two is hopefully meeting someone amazing down here. I have a university degree, full time job and two vehicles (whoop whoop) – so I like to think I have my head screwed on and am going places. My biggest passion is traveling the world and especially remote places of NZ, which is partly where my biggest hobby comes in. This hobby, my family and friends are the most important things in my life and would hope that one day soon I can find someone to share all these things with. I’m no model, have never claimed to be, and whilst I may not look like I did when I was 17, I’m still the exact same funny, kind hearted, somewhat sassy person I’ve always been. I’m not afraid to speak my mind or have an opinion about something, so you can guarantee I’ll always be straight with you. All I expect is the same in return! Easy huh!”

No one cares that you have two fucking cars, no one cares about any of this shit! That’s what meeting up and actually talking to someone is all about. 4 emojis in your profile would be better and hey put two fucking car emoji’s if you’re think it’s important, f sakes.

You like animals? Cool, great, amazing, praise the fucking lord. Photos of you and your animals in every photo is annoying but no photos of you and just of your fucking cat?! This isn’t a bestiality site, I’m not trying to shag ya fucking cat. SHOW ME YOU!

Close up selfies for all your photos?! fuck right off! I want to see all of you in at least one photo. Not just ya bloody face, fuck… chances are it’s for a reason and not just cause you like the look of you own face #CoughCatfishCough

Here for the LOLS you say? Then why the fuck are you asking me around for a drink? The real laugh out louds will happen when I don’t pull out … BOOM!! 

Snap Chat bloody filters!!!! Is this snap chat NO!!! then why do I see girl after freaking girl posing with their toungues out. They are the worst on tinder profiles…. Sorry love you are not a rabbit…. more like a rat. ok a bit harsh, but you get the point. 

Well those are my rants, hope you enjoyed them, I think this tinder app is taking years off my life, bloody stressful lol. Now time to plan for a date that I will be live tweeting and streaming for the first time this year! Follow along tonight on my twitter this Thursday, it’s going to be fun! Peace ✌️