Blonde Canadian Date Recap

Waking up with a hangover is bad, but waking up and remembering what you did the night before can be the fucking worst – especially with the stench of numerous other peoples urine covering my jeans and shoes. Previously on the life of Mulligan I went on a double date to a water park (https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/02/22/gettingwetdate-recap/ ) me and the blonde Canadian got on great but my mate Kurt wasn’t her mates cup of tea, which left spending alone time with the Canadian difficult. Luckily she agreed to another date with just me and her for this past Thursday and #BlondeCanadianDate was born!

Before any date it was time to peal back a few cold ones which on a hot day go down exceptionally well, after that it was a shit, shave, shower and the pre date wank/crank.

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Once all of that was done it was time to ring a taxi. I fucking hate taxi’s especially here in Tauranga, they are always late and they don’t have a clue where they are going. This time was no exception, after ordering the taxi and getting an estimated time of pick up being 10 minutes these fuckers didn’t turn up for forty minutes, tossers. What made matters worse is that they stopped at every just turned orange light and pretended they didn’t know where to go, fuck sakes if I said take me to town I’m sure even a non taxi driver would understand where fucking town was!

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When I got to the restaurant the Canadian was visibly annoyed for having to wait but while she was waiting she had sunken quite a few drinks, so it was almost a blessing in disguise as once I had explained what happened she planted a big hello kiss on my lips.

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We ordered drinks and began chatting and joking resuming where we had left things from the previous date. I could tell she was also a bit tipsy as she immediately stated flirting with me by telling me she was moist. Moist is such a creepy word, whenever I hear it I picture sweaty underarms which came to mind when she told me that.

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We continue talking about different things, I ask a lot about Canada which she is happy to tell me about. At one point she asks me if I know what a Canadian Goose is. My initial reply was a native bird, nope she gives me a clue what it is and after a quick google I find out it is something bloody disgusting!

Canadian Goose

You lay a girl down in the middle of the floor naked. you proceed to take a running start diving over her and shitting on her in mid-air. For full effect make a honking sound. – Urban Dictionary
After asking her if that’s what it is, she burst out laughing like a dying goat nodding her head, ” I can’t believe you hadn’t heard of it” she says between skunk laughs. She then brings up how Canadians created maple syrup claiming her and her friends have it on everything from pancake to penises which she says makes for an amazing blow job.
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Dinner finally gets here with another couple of rounds of drinks, at this stage both of us don’t really need anymore, all she has been talking about is sex sex sex, which compared to our last date makes me think she is on her way to drunk city. During dinner it was time for her to quiz me and she asked if I was good at oral to which I said “if it doesn’t smell like an expired roll of fish sushi then yes I think I’m pretty good” this made the goat laugh come back in full force and by god she has a good set of lungs on her as she can laugh fucking loud!

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She continues the sexual talking telling me she wants my willy for dessert but when she said that I didn’t think actually meant that she wanted it right there and then at the restaurant!

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OHHHH SHIT!!! She just asked me outright if I want a shag.

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As I walk into the bathroom she is waiting/pretending to check her makeup just in case I was someone else, we go into the toilet locking the door. We kiss for a bit then she sits on the loo and begins to give me a Canadian blow job minus the maple syrup. During the bj I look down and notice the entire floor  we are standing on is covered in piss which my jeans that were around my feet are soaking up, fuck sake. Too busy to do anything about it I continue to enjoy the oral I was receiving,. She finishes sucking on my Bonita banana and takes her undies off, she then bends over putting her hands on the dirty toilet and tells me to put it in, you don’t have to tell me twice.

I start thrusting back and forth, my feet splashing about in the urine puddle and then it happens, we both hear the door to the bathroom open. We both freeze as we hear footsteps sounding as if they were coming right for us, shit we are getting kicked out I thought. Luckily it wasn’t one of the staff coming to see what the hell we were doing it was just some female going into the toilet next to us. We continue to fuck as quietly as we can, we hear her pee stream begin, thinking that she is just peeing we shag on .Then the unthinkable happens – I hear a fart and then splash, SHES DOING A FUCKING POO!!!!! The Canadian doesn’t even give a fuck. She looks back at me as I’m standing there grossed out, “keep going” she whispers. Another fucking splash, but we keep going.Then the fucking stench begins to wofffle over, fuck sake. I pull my shirt over my nose as I try hard to cum so I can bail out of here, but my pre date wank is making it difficult. Another loud fart and a huge splash ensues, come on mully I think to myself we have to get the fuck out of here as the stench grows stronger. I finally cum as the lady beside us is grabbing for the toilet paper to wipe her arse after the massacre she has left in the toilet. We wait until she is finished and both leave the toilet at the same time. THAT WAS ONE OF THE WORST THINGS I HAVE BEEN APART OF.

 

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We sit back down and quickly finish our drinks as my pants were soaked in urine. She began laughing about what had just happened “I wonder if that lady heard us” she laughed. I don’t know if she heard us but I bloody heard and smelt her destroy the toilet! We get up and say our goodbyes as we both grab different taxi’s going in different directions. Since the date I have made her promise that if we are going to have sex again (which I hope we are because the sex was great) it will be in a bloody bed this time!

 

 

Testing the Faith Date Blog Recap

 

Another week, another date. Now before I start this recap I thought I better say that I don’t give much of a toss what people believe in, that’s their business and if you don’t force it on me I’m not one to care or judge. Though when I get woken up almost every second weekend to a bunch of door knockers whom are convinced I need saving from fucking Jehovah I soon begin to form opinions on these people. Anyway happily painting away this past week (not sure if I have mentioned that’s what I do for a job, house painter Mulligan, yup). I bumped into my mate at the local paint shop, he works for another painting outfit. He knows of my dates I go on and suggests going on a blind date with his new worker. I was so keen, almost jumping out of my skin thinking that I don’t have to stoop to finding one off tinder. I asked him about her, but he was acting really coy as he said “It’s going to be a blind date bro, it be good for your tweet thingy”. I needed to know something though as he wouldn’t even give me her number telling me he would tell her where to meet me. Finally as he was jumping in his van he said “ok ok ok I will tell you one thing about her; she’s a Jehovah Witness” and with a chuckle he drove off, well this was going to be an interesting date. The few following days leading up to the date I was actually pretty nervous not knowing what to expect or say. Time seems to go fast as before I knew it, it was the day of the date. Fuck I thought – I better have a few beers.

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It was so hot on Saturday here in Tauranga at 28 degrees, which made the beers go down even better then usual. So after a few in the pool it was off to meet my blind date.

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As I get there I spot her sitting at the back left table, where my mate had organised her to sit. As I walk over she peers up from her phone and I could see her looking me up and down with her eyes which felt like more than what one of my other dates would usually do. “Hi you must be Mandy, I’m Sean” I say smiling “Hi” is all she says in return in a cold unfriendly voice. I attempt to start the usual chit chat but instead of getting answers and receiving questions she just gives one word answers, what a rude bitch. That’s when I thought fuck it I’m going to ask about her Jehovah Witness faith because hey she doesn’t want to ask me anything about myself.

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Ask I begin to ask her about her Jehovah-ness I could tell she had already made her mind up that she didn’t want to be here, but to her credit she did answer most things I put to her. I almost felt bad for her when she said she didn’t even know her date of birth, but when she dissed my tattoos practically calling them disgraceful well any shit I gave went out the bloody window. It was time to get another drink and piss this tart off.

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I hadn’t really got a clue as to what would be too far with her, then I thought fuck I could say anything and she would be offended. What I tweeted next wouldn’t even make my mum raise an eyebrow but when I said it to Mandy, well she fucking stormed out disgusted in what she had just heard leaving me to fork out for the bill.

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Well the date was over but the night was young and I was tipsy, so off to the pub I went. Now usually the pub is going off but it was as dead as the fucking chemistry between me and my date. Not letting the mundane atmosphere get in the way I began to drink and drink and drink until I began singing karaoke. I thought I was the next Sam Smith busting out some huge ballads which looking back at it now, I feel sorry for the bar staff. After a couple of hours this bar was still only under a quarter full so I thought bugger it I’m going to see if my stripper friend was at work. Yup she was, and she was so happy to see me giving me a topless hug. In fact she was so happy to see me she finished early! Well I don’t really need to say what happened for the rest of my night apart from hide the sausage became a reality – wahoo!!

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