Sleeping with My Mums Friend….Almost

As much as I enjoy writing and sharing all about the good times I have had scoring girls and how I have gone about it, I have also had some shameful experiences. This next story happened back before I had tattoos and before I had sneaky ways to pick up girls, like pretending I was a tattooist.

I had just turned eighteen, here in New Zealand when you turn eighteen you can buy alcohol and go clubbing. I was still living with mum and dad in Tauranga so it was extremely hard to bring a girl back to my place and I had never actually tried to at this point.

I was in my final year of college. Half of my friends had already turned eighteen, they were raving how good going to town clubbing was so I was desperate to go. Finally it was my birthday and off to town I went. Back in these days the now closed Grumpy Mole night club used to pump. As I first entered the club it felt like a whole new world. Fake smoke mist had surrounded the dance floor and the loud obnoxious sound of the Black Eyed Peas pounded deep into my ears. I had never seen people dance in the club only in movies, it was so weird. You have all different types of dancer, the boy’s pack which is a bunch of guys dancing in a group searching around with their eyes on the lookout for girls. The next is the girl group, they dance in a group but usually they aren’t on the lookout for guys – they remind me of Zebras oblivious to the male lions stalking them. Then there are the couples, usually dirty dancing and kissing each other. I HATE these ones. Go home and have sex, I don’t wanna see you practically fucking on the dance floor!kissingd

Anyway the dancing freaked me out so I went outside to the smoker’s area. I had already pre-loaded with a box of Double Brown beer before town so I was pretty happy. Suddenly I hear a squeaky voice yell out “Sean!”  It was my mum’s friend Carol. She came staggering over sloshing her glass of wine everywhere. She practically launched at me and gave me the biggest drunken hug ever. I saw my two mates giving me the thumbs up behind her back. “what are you doing here” she said half slurring her words. I explained to her I am eighteen now and this was my first night out. I’m not sure if this turned her on or what but she thought it was awesome that it was my first night in town and proceeded to take me onto the dance floor and dance with me.  A little about Carol – she is my mums friend from tennis. She is this lady in her mid-thirties; she has long luscious black hair and an amazing sporty figure. She is known for loving her wine and being a bit of a party animal.

We continued dancing and she finally bounced on me in this young club, shoving her tongue down my throat. All I could taste was cigarettes and the sourness of the wine she was sculling back. We continued dancing the rest of the night until 3am. I asked her what she wanted to do now. She asked if she could come back to mine, I reminded her mum and dad are home but she insisted she would be quiet so off to get a taxi we went.

We got home and started tip toeing down the hallway to my room. Finally we got into bed and started kissing. I went down on her, she must have completely forgotten about my parents being home because all of a sudden she started moaning so loud. All of a sudden I hear loud footsteps and bang! The door swings open and mum and dad are standing there. Mums eyes go from half asleep to as wide as golf balls. “SEAN!! What the hell do you think you’re doing!?” before I could say anything she recognised who it was there with me. “Carol??!!!!”  Walking over she grabbed Carol by the arm, ripped her out of my bed and began yelling at her. She eventually kicked her out, I quickly texted Carol saying I had ordered her a taxi at the end of the road. “You go to bed now, we will talk in the morning” mum said before shutting my door. In the morning Dad talked to me suggesting it might be a wise idea if I got my own place, mum never brought the Carol situation up again, safe to say they we not friends anymore. I didn’t care about that all I cared about was mum seriously cock blocked me, cheers mum!!!

Cougars and Chlamydia

It’s Hamilton’s 150 year birthday today. Break out the RTD’s, dust off your skimpiest dress and head down to The Outback Inn night club! Seriously when I think of Hamilton I think of three words; clubs, chlamydia and cougars. Hamilton is infamous for being known as the chlamydia capital of New Zealand. I thought this was just a tongue and cheek joke that people like to give hamiltonians shit about. That was until I got the bloody infection myself!

I lived in Hamilon for 6 years. Moving over from the Bay Of Plenty to support my then girlfriend financially while she attended uni. I started playing league for College Old Boys. We were a young social team that loved having a beer. I started playing second row which was a good position for me as I loved tackling, and we starting winning most of our matches. Not long into the footy season my girlfriend and I broke up. I stayed in Hamilton and began playing hard and partying harder.

If you haven’t been night clubbing in Hamilton I recommend it. In my opinion it is better than Tauranga, Taupo, Wellington and even Auckland. Main reason being that the clubs are all together in two streets (Hood & Elizabeth) and there is so much selection of where to drink. Here is a quick list of clubs and what they are about:

  • The Outback Inn – The just turned 18 year old kid night club, always packed though and pumps.
  • Bar 101 – Just like the Outback although they have a no tattoo policy which I feel discriminates against a lot of people.
  • Diggers – AKA Cougar Town!! If you want some elder company try your luck here, wear protection!
  • The House Bar – I Love The House!! Always have a great time with a great band there.
  • Coyotes – “The Maori Club” I go here every time to catch up with all the boys. Another great club with great hip hop.

One night us rugby boys decided to go on a pub crawl. A pub crawl being that we go to every club and have one drink. It started off as a fun game, we got all the little shitty pubs out of the way to start with. By the time we got to the good clubs we were off off our faces. We went into Diggers were the cougars pray. Now by this stage I was totally gone swaying side to side. A cougar whom name I can’t remember nor want to, started dancing with me and before I could say ‘Hi my name is Sean’ her tongue was searching for my adams apple. I went home with her and her friend and everything else from there on is a blur. I remember waking up next to her and her friend in her bed I grabbed my belongs and got out of there. I noticed my condom had not been used as it was still in my pocket. I got a sex check that Monday which featured a hot doctor putting a cotton bid down my pee hole, fucking atrocious. The next four days seemed the longest of my life praying that the results would come back clean. No such luck. I got the dreaded text “please call to discuss your results.” I had become another victim of the cymadia capital. Luckily with a strong dose of antibiotics I got cleared up. Morale of this story is if you are single and hammered AVOID Diggers!! Those cougars will get you!!!!