2017 Year Of The Backpacker

Apologies in advance if there are a lot of spelling errors, my proof reading is being a useless shit and gone on holiday. So this is an unfiltered, unedited blog, enjoy!

If there was a book for single female tourists coming to New Zealand after this summer I feel like there should be a section on me. Right next to the night life activities there should be a photo of my tattooed penis. The amount of backpackers I’ve wined, dined and obviously shagged is bloody staggering. The main culprits are the German backpackers, aside from Asian tourists I would say Germans tourists come to New Zealand in their droves. But why? are they big Lord Of The Rings/Hobbit fan boys? Well unfortunately I don’t have the bloody answer because they can’t speak sweet fuck all English. But I guess they don’t make me wear a Gollum mask or tell me to “fuck me hobbit man” so I guess we can rule the fan boy theory possibly.

Come to think of it I should actually start my own tour guide business as the amount of times I have taken backpackers on hikes up Mount Maunganui is fucking staggering. I have to pretend I actually enjoy it too, like “wow such a nice view, I haven’t been up here in ages’ total bullshit.

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This last week I had been chatting up this chick from the Czech Republic. To make me one step a head of all the other horny Kiwi dudes on tinder I actually study the country and learn a few simple words. A bit of bloody research before meeting a European beauty can go along way. I do this to all the foreign hotties I meet and they fucking love it! It’s almost a sign of respect in their eyes that someone has taken the time to actually show an interest in where they come from and doesn’t just wanna get in their pants. Just such a gentleman is I 😉😉😉😜

Now this Czech girl oh my god what a stunner and was as honest as the day is long (most European are to be honest) After we played the age old tradition of hide the sausage, she rolled off me and before I could pretend and say “wow that was great” she said “well that was pretty average!” Bloody hell I thought, I was kinda thinking that but dam I would never say it. But don’t worry we ended up doing it again and I got her moaning saying she loves it whilst I spelt the alphabet out with my tongue on her vag. Good Times Good Times!

BTW if you don’t already chuck us a like on Facebook, trying to get that off the ground again and also instagram. Chur

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The Good The Bad The Shags

Well I have already completed my New Years resolution of 2017 and we are only 10 days into the New Year. It was to see how long I could stay celibate for in 2017. Well I got the answer to that…56 bloody minutes into the new year! 
If you haven’t been reading my twitter I went to the biggest music festival New Zealand puts on all year: Rhythm & Vines for New Years. From where I live in Tauranga its a bit of a drive to get to the festival. Four hours of winding scenic roads. I took off at 10am on the 31st with one of my girl mates, she didn’t wanna pay for petrol so she offered to pay in other ways on the way down 😉 hitchhikers special is what I like to call it. 

We arrived there at around 3 and saw that to get in the car park to R&V they search your car for alcohol and confiscate it. Fuckers! I do a uturn and park almost directly across the road and down as many bloody shots as I can. “Any alcohol in your car guys?” one of the security guards says. “not anymore” I reply with a large smirk coming across my face. 

We park up and begin chatting to a van of German girls parked next to us, they happily share their straight vodka they had sneaked in (in their McDonalds cups). One of them is completely stunning, I gravitate to her and begin flirting with her, she is pretty lite and lets me know she has been drinking since lunchtime. Her friends wanna go back into the festival, she says she will catch up. My girl mate knows what I’m up to and heads to the portaloo. I jump into the German van and begin to hook up with this hot German. Now I wish i could say more happen than kisses but she told me it was that time of month, which was fine with me, I was just stoked I had hooked up with someone without even stepping a foot into the festival!

After about half a dozen security checks (which included a full body pat down) I started to make my way into the festival. As I walked past the dehydration station tents I was immediately grabbed roughly by two security guards “STOP RIGHT NOW!” the big one boomed at me grabbing my arms tightly. The other one radioed to another one of his guards “can you confirm the tattoo on his neck is a butterfly” he asked. “whats going on? I just got here” I said to them but they weren’t listening. After what felt like an eternity they got a reply from the guard that I wasn’t the guy they were looking for. I was free to go with not even an apology, fucking rude bastards! 

After that small hiccup it was time to get some beers in me and enjoy the show! Now if you’re thinking of going to R&V in the future the best place I found to pick up girls is the line waiting to get drinks. Now this fucking line was so bloody long, it gave you a good chance to chat to the people behind or in front of you. 

It wasn’t long before I hooked up with someone, then another then another. This is fucking paradise I thought! As I was waiting to go for a wee a girl came out of the portaloo and flashed her tits at me laughing and throwing her bra at me. “R&V fuck yea wahoooo” she screams, obviously on pingers or something. 

3, 2, 1 happy new year!!! me and the girl I came down with neck on with each other, shes a bloody amazing kisser, as the fireworks began to go off one big firework nearly went off in my bloody pants as I got a very happy New Year hand job. We split up again and went to look for girls and guys to dance with. 

Now as I said before the best place to meet chicks and potentially hook up with them I found was the drinks line…well I also found the fucking worst place in the worst way. After breaking the seal I had to go for another wee pretty soon after the first. As I waited and waited for whoever was in this certain portaloo to finish it never crossed my mind that whoever was in there might be throwing their guts up. 

So this stunning girl opens the door and pulls me inside. You are so fucking sexy she slurs at me. We start having sex in this fucking portaloo, shes on top of me jumping up and down. She then goes to kiss me and she tastes like fucking vomit, what the fucking fuck I thought immediately pulling away from her hot breath stinky mouth. We finish up and I fucking get out of there was fast as I can, gurgling my beer around my mouth to get the taste of spew out, yuck. 

I meet my girl I came down here with back at my car at around 5am and we watch the first sunrise of 2017 in style… doggy style. HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS!