Vegas Baby

I met with my Contiki group and we headed off for Vegas. Contiki, is a bus tour designed for people 18 – 35 year olds, which is great as ya don’t get any old fuck on the tour. As we hit the highway out of Los Angeles our bus and all the cars behind it were flagged down by police to stop. Two police cars had pulled over a car and the driver was refusing to stop. It didn’t take long for two police cars to become five and guns drawn. Luckily, our tour guide made light of it and played The Clash’s “I Fought The Law” song whilst this was going on.


In my previous blog, I moaned about the Los Angeles heat but as soon as we got into Las Vegas, the middle of the desert, the heat was fucking insane. I even found it hard to breath. As I tried to find the nearest casino to run into, to escape the heat I saw some fucking local with jeans on. FUCKING JEANS ON!

We checked into Westgate Resort & Casino, I have never seen anything like it. There was a tattoo studio in the place where we were staing, MERICA. We went out clubbing that night, like everything in America the clubs were huge. I hung out with one of the bro’s for most of the night drinking expensive drinks, high as a fucking kite. We met up with a few of the peeps on the trip and decided to head back to our resort.

 

As we were walking back one of the English girls kept dropping subtle hints about herself and her situation. “Single in Vegas” she said out loud which oblivoulsy got my attention. She the put her arm around me calling me fucking SAM? “Sam, I don’t have a roommate” she said to me – Sean. I played along with her “Oh you are lucky, I do and he is a bloody strange English dude” Eventually, I asked her “Am I coming back to your room?” and she said “If you want.” That night I showed her why Kiwis always come first whether it be at rugby or at sex, because I bloody eurpted in fucking minutes. Oh the shame.


The next day, involved a lot of legal weed, swims by the pool to nurse the hangover, deep fried pickles and a kick ass Cirque du Soleil show. God I love vegas.

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American Tour Part 1 LA

What a bloody whirlwind of a trip, after taking a few months hiatus from blogging to work on my music, I’m back. 

Lets get back into it and boy oh boy do I have some juicy stories from the United States to share. I started my trip in Los Angeles with a direct flight from New Zealand, which was handy. Going through customs at LAX was a pretty nerve racking experience. Everyone had told me how hard the Americans are at letting people in but luckily for me I got the coolest dude who was into tattoos and was completely chill. “Welcome to America Sean, enjoy your stay” he said handing me back my passport. America, fuck yeah! 

As I got out of the airport, it was as if I had stepped into a sauna, I had never experienced that type of heat before. 40 something degrees, the type of heat where your balls instantly start sweating and your belly button develops its own pool of sweat. I immediately got an Uber and high tailed it to my motel, it was in the heart of down town LA. My hotel was called ‘Little Tokyo Hotel’ if you are ever thinking of staying in Los Angeles, DON’T STAY THERE! It had no fucking air conditioning! It was 40 degrees outside and 50 degrees inside! I got there late and had already paid, so I attempted to sleep. Well I now know what it feels like to have no sleep on a plane, no sleep in a filthy scum fuck motel, be dehydrated and have sweaty fucking balls.

The next day, I checked into the motel across the road making bloody sure they had air conditioning before booking in. After checking in, the first thing I did was have a shower…. joking, it was to jump on Tinder! I immediately matched with over 100 women. “Fuck me!” I thought, being in a bigger country is insane. I didn’t even have to do any grafting, one of the girls messaged me saying “OMG, I love accents” and before I knew it that girl was on top of me enjoying this Kiwi sausage! 

The next few days, consisted of a lot of sightseeing which I won’t bore you with. Although the main actress off of Orange Is The New Black nearly crashed into our Hollywood sightseeing buggy, which was pretty entertaining. I ended up shagging 3 girls whilst in Los Angeles, which was pretty good, considering I was only there for 4 days. Although I would’ve loved to make it 4 from 4. 

Next stop Las Vegas! Holy heck did I get up to some mischief in the City of Sin 😍

PS I Fucking Love Hooters 👌🏼👌🏼

Liverpool Kiss

Well my trip to the UK and Ireland is over! Unfortunately my mobile provider’s data roaming service costs a bloody arm and a leg so there were no live date tweets. But not to worry, I have a whole arsenal of stories to unleash on you in the coming weeks! The first one is called the Liverpool Kiss and without further ado, let’s get into it.
 
After driving from London to Liverpool our tour group checked into the motel and began drinking. We got taken to the Cavern Club which is a huge bar underground where The Beatles used to play. Most of us felt out of our element there as even though the live music was great, if you looked around the dance floor it looked like we had gate-crashed a fucking 70th birthday party with old fuckers jiggling their loose skin all around us. 
 
After rounding up the troops we headed off in search of a club, we got conned into one club in the promise of a free shot which turned out to be some shitty lolly water. Now to say we got drunk would be an understatement, we got fucked up beyond fucked up. Shot after shot, drink after drink, so much liquid I started growing fucking fins. 
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I went outside to get some air as it was hot as a hooker’s undies in there. I started having a conversation with an older women who was part of a hens night. I was giving her heaps about her Liverpool accent which was hard to understand. Her banter was good and she loved my accent, now usually this would end in me inviting her back to my place right?
 
Yes right but this is England not New Zealand, she then tells me “you should meet my daughter” and proceeds to pull her 18 year-old daughter out of the night club to meet me. She is smoking hot and we hit it off too. We go back in the club and I dirty dance with both the mum and daughter, a Liverpool club sandwich, they both even kiss me on the cheek. 
 
Come 3am my tour group started telling me they were going to head back, her mum overheard and urged her daughter to go back with me!! “Go on, have a good time, he’s a handsome guy” she told her daughter. Well fuck me, I wasn’t complaining, I was in a wee bit of shock to be honest in my drunken state, this would never happen back home I thought.
 
We went back to mine where I had somehow scored my own room that night and I gave her the best two minutes of her bloody life. Whipping all my best moves out, missionary followed by missionary topped off with a sprinkle of missionary. After that it’s probably safe to say she would’ve blamed her mum for convincing her to go back to a bloody disappointment haha.
 
Next up Scotland! 

2017 Year Of The Backpacker

Apologies in advance if there are a lot of spelling errors, my proof reading is being a useless shit and gone on holiday. So this is an unfiltered, unedited blog, enjoy!

If there was a book for single female tourists coming to New Zealand after this summer I feel like there should be a section on me. Right next to the night life activities there should be a photo of my tattooed penis. The amount of backpackers I’ve wined, dined and obviously shagged is bloody staggering. The main culprits are the German backpackers, aside from Asian tourists I would say Germans tourists come to New Zealand in their droves. But why? are they big Lord Of The Rings/Hobbit fan boys? Well unfortunately I don’t have the bloody answer because they can’t speak sweet fuck all English. But I guess they don’t make me wear a Gollum mask or tell me to “fuck me hobbit man” so I guess we can rule the fan boy theory possibly.

Come to think of it I should actually start my own tour guide business as the amount of times I have taken backpackers on hikes up Mount Maunganui is fucking staggering. I have to pretend I actually enjoy it too, like “wow such a nice view, I haven’t been up here in ages’ total bullshit.

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This last week I had been chatting up this chick from the Czech Republic. To make me one step a head of all the other horny Kiwi dudes on tinder I actually study the country and learn a few simple words. A bit of bloody research before meeting a European beauty can go along way. I do this to all the foreign hotties I meet and they fucking love it! It’s almost a sign of respect in their eyes that someone has taken the time to actually show an interest in where they come from and doesn’t just wanna get in their pants. Just such a gentleman is I 😉😉😉😜

Now this Czech girl oh my god what a stunner and was as honest as the day is long (most European are to be honest) After we played the age old tradition of hide the sausage, she rolled off me and before I could pretend and say “wow that was great” she said “well that was pretty average!” Bloody hell I thought, I was kinda thinking that but dam I would never say it. But don’t worry we ended up doing it again and I got her moaning saying she loves it whilst I spelt the alphabet out with my tongue on her vag. Good Times Good Times!

BTW if you don’t already chuck us a like on Facebook, trying to get that off the ground again and also instagram. Chur

http://www.facebook.com/tattooedmulligan

http://www.instagram.com/tattooedmulligan

yearoftheb

 

The Good The Bad The Shags

Well I have already completed my New Years resolution of 2017 and we are only 10 days into the New Year. It was to see how long I could stay celibate for in 2017. Well I got the answer to that…56 bloody minutes into the new year! 
If you haven’t been reading my twitter I went to the biggest music festival New Zealand puts on all year: Rhythm & Vines for New Years. From where I live in Tauranga its a bit of a drive to get to the festival. Four hours of winding scenic roads. I took off at 10am on the 31st with one of my girl mates, she didn’t wanna pay for petrol so she offered to pay in other ways on the way down 😉 hitchhikers special is what I like to call it. 

We arrived there at around 3 and saw that to get in the car park to R&V they search your car for alcohol and confiscate it. Fuckers! I do a uturn and park almost directly across the road and down as many bloody shots as I can. “Any alcohol in your car guys?” one of the security guards says. “not anymore” I reply with a large smirk coming across my face. 

We park up and begin chatting to a van of German girls parked next to us, they happily share their straight vodka they had sneaked in (in their McDonalds cups). One of them is completely stunning, I gravitate to her and begin flirting with her, she is pretty lite and lets me know she has been drinking since lunchtime. Her friends wanna go back into the festival, she says she will catch up. My girl mate knows what I’m up to and heads to the portaloo. I jump into the German van and begin to hook up with this hot German. Now I wish i could say more happen than kisses but she told me it was that time of month, which was fine with me, I was just stoked I had hooked up with someone without even stepping a foot into the festival!

After about half a dozen security checks (which included a full body pat down) I started to make my way into the festival. As I walked past the dehydration station tents I was immediately grabbed roughly by two security guards “STOP RIGHT NOW!” the big one boomed at me grabbing my arms tightly. The other one radioed to another one of his guards “can you confirm the tattoo on his neck is a butterfly” he asked. “whats going on? I just got here” I said to them but they weren’t listening. After what felt like an eternity they got a reply from the guard that I wasn’t the guy they were looking for. I was free to go with not even an apology, fucking rude bastards! 

After that small hiccup it was time to get some beers in me and enjoy the show! Now if you’re thinking of going to R&V in the future the best place I found to pick up girls is the line waiting to get drinks. Now this fucking line was so bloody long, it gave you a good chance to chat to the people behind or in front of you. 

It wasn’t long before I hooked up with someone, then another then another. This is fucking paradise I thought! As I was waiting to go for a wee a girl came out of the portaloo and flashed her tits at me laughing and throwing her bra at me. “R&V fuck yea wahoooo” she screams, obviously on pingers or something. 

3, 2, 1 happy new year!!! me and the girl I came down with neck on with each other, shes a bloody amazing kisser, as the fireworks began to go off one big firework nearly went off in my bloody pants as I got a very happy New Year hand job. We split up again and went to look for girls and guys to dance with. 

Now as I said before the best place to meet chicks and potentially hook up with them I found was the drinks line…well I also found the fucking worst place in the worst way. After breaking the seal I had to go for another wee pretty soon after the first. As I waited and waited for whoever was in this certain portaloo to finish it never crossed my mind that whoever was in there might be throwing their guts up. 

So this stunning girl opens the door and pulls me inside. You are so fucking sexy she slurs at me. We start having sex in this fucking portaloo, shes on top of me jumping up and down. She then goes to kiss me and she tastes like fucking vomit, what the fucking fuck I thought immediately pulling away from her hot breath stinky mouth. We finish up and I fucking get out of there was fast as I can, gurgling my beer around my mouth to get the taste of spew out, yuck. 

I meet my girl I came down here with back at my car at around 5am and we watch the first sunrise of 2017 in style… doggy style. HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS!

The Filthiest Bits Of 2016

Merry Christmas and a happy new year!! here is some of the most terrible, most shocking most filthiest bits that made up my 2016. If you enjoy this I might even recap 2015 and 2014… let me know….. Enjoy!!!

31.01.2016 Brothel Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/01/31/brothel-date-recap/

As I got out of the shower I strolled out to find her sprawled out on the bed, she put a condom on me then told me which positions she would do – which was fucking limited “you on top, me on top” she informed me, not even doggy style!?!

I decided to go on top, which started off ok until she decided to make fake moaning noises. So bad that even a low budget porn director would tell her to fucking stop! Now add in some terrible and I mean TERRIBLE dirty talk, shit like “oh you’re a big boy” and “wow this is so good” and now you have the worst 30 minutes of my life. It was so bad that I even fake came just to get this shit over and done with. As I pulled my penis out I gave it a quick sniff and it smelt like 3 day old KFC that had been left in a hot car.

18.02.2016 My Gypsy Valentines Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/02/18/my-gypsy-valentines-date-recap/

She told me to clear my schedule because she was going to cum, I bloody hope so! She brought a candle over and poured the hot wax on me, which kinda fucking hurt but at the same time turned me on so much. She then made me pour it on her…bad idea. She had a wee bit of fluff down there and instead of pouring it on her stomach I accidently poured it on the top of her vagina “ahhhhhhhhhhh” she screamed, that was the end of the candle foreplay.

27.02.2016 Blonde Canadian Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/02/27/blonde-canadian-date-recap/

As I walk into the bathroom she is waiting/pretending to check her makeup just in case I was someone else, we go into the toilet locking the door. We kiss for a bit then she sits on the loo and begins to give me a Canadian blow job minus the maple syrup. During the bj I look down and notice the entire floor  we are standing on is covered in piss which my jeans that were around my feet are soaking up, fuck sake. Too busy to do anything about it I continue to enjoy the oral I was receiving,. She finishes sucking on my Bonita banana and takes her undies off, she then bends over putting her hands on the dirty toilet and tells me to put it in, you don’t have to tell me twice.

I start thrusting back and forth, my feet splashing about in the urine puddle and then it happens, we both hear the door to the bathroom open. We both freeze as we hear footsteps sounding as if they were coming right for us, shit we are getting kicked out I thought. Luckily it wasn’t one of the staff coming to see what the hell we were doing it was just some female going into the toilet next to us. We continue to fuck as quietly as we can, we hear her pee stream begin, thinking that she is just peeing we shag on .Then the unthinkable happens – I hear a fart and then splash, SHES DOING A FUCKING POO!!!!! The Canadian doesn’t even give a fuck. She looks back at me as I’m standing there grossed out, “keep going” she whispers. Another fucking splash, but we keep going.Then the fucking stench begins to wofffle over, fuck sake. I pull my shirt over my nose as I try hard to cum so I can bail out of here, but my pre date wank is making it difficult. Another loud fart and a huge splash ensues, come on mully I think to myself we have to get the fuck out of here as the stench grows stronger. I finally cum as the lady beside us is grabbing for the toilet paper to wipe her arse after the massacre she has left in the toilet.

22.03.2016 Vajazzled: The St Paddies Day Blog

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/03/22/vajazzled-the-st-paddies-date-blog/

We somehow got on the subject of vagazzle which if you chuck that odd sounding slang word into google (which I should of done) it comes up with this – ‘adorn the pubic area (of a woman) with crystals, glitter, or other decoration’.

We head back to the backpackers and start the foreplay, I go down on her and in my drunken state I’m like a dog licking up water on a hot day, my tongue going fucking everywhere. I end up having a mouthful of vajazzle beads which for the next day and a bit I’m still finding them wedged between my teeth.

08.04.2016 Dominatrix Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/04/08/dominatrix-date-recap/

She served me up a drink in a metal cup and forced me to drink it. It tasted strong like a mix between jagermeister, absinthe and pineapple juice, what ever it was made me feel pretty numb. After polishing off the cup she snatched it off me “break times over, now get on all fours on the bed” she said pointing to the bed. So here I was balls dangling freely, hairy arse open for the world to see. After about 5 minutes she comes back in but she’s not alone – she has a big BLACK STRAP ON connected to her costume.

“OH FUCK THAT” I said breaking character

“Silence! This is happening, slowly but surely you are getting this” she said.

I started thinking what the fuck am I doing, what the fuck am I doing?! I feel a cold sensation on my bum; I turn around and she is bathing me in anus relaxant lube!

23.05.2016 Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.1

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/05/23/mully-dates-international-ed-sydney-pt-1/

We end up having sex and the sheep shagger comment is still annoying me, so I flipped her around in doggy style and showed her what a sheep shagger could do with a tablet of viagra in him. She fucking loved it, so without thinking I grabbed her tits and whispered in her ear “I drive a holden” she started thrashing about “you bastard!”.

27.05.2016 Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.2

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/05/27/mully-dates-international-ed-sydney-pt-2/

Things go down hill pretty fast though as the larger friend of her group decides to pull her away from me and tells her its time to call it a night. Everyone else in the group seemed to be having a great time but fucking chunkimus prime decided to shut the fucking fun down and go home.

23.06.2016 Pokémon Go Date

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/07/23/pokemon-go-date/

Well it’s safe to say she rode me like Horsea, her Jigglypuffs looked amazing. As she played with my Pokeballs I could feel myself about to Squirlte but managed not to. It wasn’t long though until I learned ‘Water Gun’ and splashed it everywhere. As I left her place I thanked her for giving me a Cubone but told her she was just another Magicarp…I was looking for a Gyarados!

28.08.2016 From Crab Tree to Vag Pee

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/08/28/from-crab-tree-to-vag-pee/

So he starts going to town eating this girl as if she was a 2am bloody kebab, she begins to get wetter and wetter and louder and louder. All of a sudden she lets out a huge moan and boom she cums/pees right down his throat. I awake from my coma to the sound of Darren yakking his guts up, I wander into the toilet and see him fast down in the bowl, “you alright D man?” I ask, no reply, I then wander into her room and I can smell urine. “What happened to Darren?” I ask the girl. “I was cumming” she said in a sad voice “but my bladder was full and I ended up peeing.” EWW WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

26.09.2016 Ex Girlfriends Sister Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/09/26/ex-girlfriends-sister-date-recap/

We started shotting a tray of tequila shots, which after the fourth one made me vomit in my mouth a little. I kept giving her shit saying “your sister is way wilder” and then she looked me in the eye with a naughty grin “I bet she never did this.” She then went under the table we were sitting at and started undoing my pants. My eyes started darting around the room to see if anyone in the packed bar was watching, luckily no one was.

08.10.2016 Mully vs. Australian Rugby Girls

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/10/08/mully-vs-australian-rugby-girls/

Once we got back to their room, they threw me onto the bed and begun getting unchanged. What happened next was a fucked up mixture between sex and a game of footy.

04.12.2016 CranKING

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/12/04/cranking/

So yes, you guessed it, I jumped at the chance. With a roll of toilet paper in my hand and my pants around my feet ol’ Mully cranked one out in the private lap dance room to some classic Jenna Jameson Loves Brianna Banks early 2000’s porn. This was some bloody weird shit, It was as if I was at the semen clinic trying to rub one out. After about 10 minutes I popped my top, wiped myself off and bid the stripper owner goodnight.

CranKING 

INTERNATIONAL TATTOO EXPO: Wahooo I head off to it. The expo was held in New Plymouth, which is a 4 hour boring as fuckery drive through farmland. Sheep after sheep after fucking sheep, I started counting them which was a big mistake as I started to fall asleep. 
After a quick rest stop I injected a can of Red Bull into my system and off I went. I arrived in New Plymouth at around 4pm on Saturday. I found my backpackers with reasonable ease, even though New Plymouth has a fuck tonne of one way streets – which makes it bloody difficult to drive when ya stupid GPS tells you to turn down them! Fuck! 

I started drinking at my back packers almost immediately. I made friends with a German dude who couldn’t speak a lick of English. Funnily enough he knew the word penis and the phrase “let’s have a fuck”… Yes he was gay. No I didn’t sleep with him. 

After a few more beers I headed off to the tattoo expo. I arrived there and felt like a kid in a candy store, so many amazing artists creating amazing works of art. I took my time walking past each artists admiring their work. I saw Manu Vatuvei (famous Rugby League ) sussing out what to get. I told him “no point mucking around here mate, you need to get back on the park and work on catching a fucking ball”. He just looked at me and walked away hahahaha. 

I left the tattoo expo at 9pm and headed into town to a night spot called ‘Our Place’. Now during the day I had been on Tinder asking all these girls where they are drinking tonight and at least 4 of them said ‘Our Place’. Now me not knowing the New Plymouth scene I thought they meant they were drinking at their own fucking place… idiot. 

After doing the whole club thing for an hour or two I was in the mood to see some boobies…so off to the strippers I stumbled. Now here comes the funny part… when I got up to the strip club the place was fucking deserted, I saw one dude behind the bar swearing away to himself whilst holding his phone up to his ear. “Are you guys open?” I asked. He glanced over to me and said sadly “technically we are mate but the girls haven’t shown up for work.” What type of useless girls was he employing? Feeling sorry for him I bought a beer and had a chat admitting I was after a private lap dance with possible extras as this place operated as a brothel too. “Dam these girls” he said shaking his head “They have probably cost me at least 5 grand tonight with everyone I have turned away.” Now here comes the funny part, I told him I had already taken a Viagra and joked I would have to stumble back to the backpackers and rub one out. He stopped for a minute and said “Mate I can help you with that”. Startled I quickly said “oh no no I’m all good mate, I don’t swing that way”, to which he laughed and said “Nah mate neither, but I do have a TV in the private lap dance room and a porn I can put on for you”.

So yes, you guessed it, I jumped at the chance. With a roll of toilet paper in my hand and my pants around my feet ol’ Mully cranked one out in the private lap dance room to some classic Jenna Jameson Loves Brianna Banks early 2000’s porn. This was some bloody weird shit, It was as if I was at the semen clinic trying to rub one out. After about 10 minutes I popped my top, wiped myself off and bid the stripper owner goodnight. 

Well if having a crank in a strip club was on my bucket list its been fucking ticked off now!

Tips on How To Talk To Girls

Well its Wednesday aftanoon here in New Zealand and as I reflect on my weekend in Hamilton and make a plan for this weekend. I thought I would share a few techniques on how I have gone about picking up a girl with one that worked a bloody charm on Saturday. I have compiled a list of some ideas that I have put into play that have actually worked for me and hey, if they work for you guys great! I guess if any girls are reading this, this could be a list of what to look out for when a guy with tattoo’s approaches you ;p

  • Try a fake accent.

If the clubs really loud and you’re only looking for a hook up Try a fake accent, wear something from the country whose accent you’re trying to pull off or if you’re lucky like me point to a tattoo of an Irish shamrock, and say you’re from Ireland! I was just talking to the girl I slept with about this on facebook and she thought it was a legit accent.. Hi Ashleigh 😉                                               

  • Pretend you’re a fireman.

Going out in a volunteer fireman’s shirt helps. Girls LOVE a guy in uniform. Although real fireman HATE this and will embarrass you if they think you’re a fake.

  • Make Tattoo Business cards.                                                                                                                                       

Make sure it’s in another region of New Zealand or where ever you are from. Hand them out to girls in the club; make sure it has your number on it. This is probably one of the best ways to get talking to a girl in a bar or a club – as long as you can spin a good story. 

  • Shout a group of girls drinks all night.

I really don’t recommend this at all unless its $2 shots night then and only then splash out. I’m still paying for this after shouting a horde of girls a round of “whatever they wanted” turns out whatever they wanted cost $120 bucks, fuck!

  • Go on a club tour in the city you are in. 

Auckland use to have a fantastic one called ‘The Big Night Out’. It’s targeted at tourists but anyone can go. For $25 they take you to all the best clubs as a group stopping at each one for a shot or a drink. Unfortunately they relocated to Queenstown but looking at their facebook it looks bloody fantastic. This is a great way to talk to girls as the organisers make you do different fun social activities which is always a good time! 

  • Meet up with Girls off Social Media

Jump on Tinder arrange to meet a different girl at a different club throughout the night. If the first one is weird move onto the second one! This is what i’m planning to do this weekend I just hope they bloody turn up!!!

So there are a few things I have done that helped me mingle with girls. Truthfully just being confident and honest is the best bet for anyone but fuck anyone can use a couple of tweeks in their game to meet a gal Happy Dating!!