Italy!!

“Oh my fucking god this is nice” these were not good words to say in Vatican city but fucking terrible words to see in the Sistine chapel. I’m going to hell. But holy heck it is a beautiful place!

ITALY! wow, what an amazing place, the food, the history. . . the females. I went to get a coke from the vending machine and right next to it was another vending machine I thought was only available in my dreams. Condoms, vigara, viabrators and pregnancy tests wow fucking wow! Although one box of condoms was called “Retard” obviously Italy isn’t very PC lol

Ok……. Time to que the love music. whilst in Italy I got the feels for someone on the trip, for fuck sakes. We got really really close, even to the point I flew to Melbourne (yes, she is an Australian, ughh) to see her. It didn’t work out but it’s something I look back on fondly. I even wrote a song about her (cheap plug, it’s out end of this month Tattooed Mulligan – Melbourne Girl, cheap plug)

Italy wasn’t without the drama, one of my bros lost his passport so he couldn’t leave the country. I got asked to leave the sicitene chapel for swearing, which I apologised for straight away but having a death moth tattooed on my neck I guess doesn’t make me look like the second coming of christ!

Well that’s pretty much all from my trip in Europe, I did train it back to Amsterdam after the Contiki finished and pretty my lived in a coffee shop for 3 days, guess it’s why they say “when in Rome ”

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One Night In Austria

Now if you thought the last bloody was too PG this one is definitely going to be NSFW because the night, I Spent in Austria was fucking mental! We left Germany on the bus at the terribly early time of 7.30am. My head felt like it had been skull fucked by a cactus, but my other head was pretty satisfied with last night’s events minus the intense itching JK. We were greeted in Hopfgarten by staff a Contiki owned Hostel, they were stoked to see us and informed us that they were putting on a party for at the hostel bar.

We started drinking pretty much as soon as we got there, I went down to do laundry but every dog and their fucking owner was there, so I thought fuck it and joined the crew in one of our rooms. We had some weed left from Amsterdam, so we smoked that, then one of the girls had brought some legal mock cocaine so we had that too, note to self don’t do synthetic shit again.

When I got down to the bar at 6pm I was bloody legless but the drinks were cheap, so I kept on going hard. Another Contiki group was there as well- If I wasn’t so drunk, I could’ve lined up a pretty juicy threesome apparently, but it was not to be as I lost them in my drunken haze or they steered clear of me, probably the later.

Now this part was I was sworn to secrecy as I could get someone fired so if you’re reading this keep it quiet, yeah?

So, I started chatting to one of the Contiki staff that worked there who so happened to be from New Zealand. As the party ragged on towards the early hours of the morning, we snuck back into the Contiki Staff quarters. We started shagging in her room, from what I remember it was great, I spelt the alphabet out with my tongue and then jumped on top and did my best impression of a drowning rat. Thrusting every part of my body around trying to impress this fellow kiwi. The next thing I remember is dreaming as if I was swimming at the local pools back home, what a great dream, a nice warm pool… I awoke to the realisation I defiantly was not at the local pools; I was in a pool of my own bloody piss. “oh fuck” I yelp as I start realising what had just happened, I turn over to see if the girl was also enjoying my pool party but no there was no sign of her. I quickly grab my urine-soaked clothes just in case she was coming back with a fucking axe and waddled my fat arse back to my room.

As I began the trip back to my room I couldn’t get out of the staff quarters, every fucking door was locked. I pulled and pulled on one door with all my might, my little willy n balls flopping around everywhere. “DUDE WTF?!” a fellow naked guy gasps as I fling the door open. Whoops thats a broom closet and thats a guy getting his dick wanked 😳. I try a few other doors stumbling into a room of used mattresses (Probably where the piss covered mattress will end up). Fuck me this place is locked up tighter than my arsehole, finally when all hope seemed lost I see a ausfahrt (exit) sign and navigate my naked self back to my room.

Thank god we were only staying there for a night! The next day we jump on the bus with everyone looking pretty worse for wear and take off for Italy 🇮🇹

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One Night In Germany

After smoking my body’s weight in weed, it was off to Germany we go! We jumped in on the bus at midday after the morning spent in a coffee shop, I mistakenly smoked the highest rated sativia weed Amsterdam had to offer that morning, so to say that drive to Germany wasn’t a buzz is an understatement.

We arrived in a small town in the Rhine Valley called Sankt Goar …. Or that’s what I think it was called. It was right on the Rhine River which was a bloody beautiful sight to behold. After a few jugs of Rhine’s finest beer our tour group went across the road to the night’s activity… wine tasting. Now I bloody hate wine, I could care less if I never had to sip another fucking pinot, sav or whatever they are called. After the 3rd or 4th glass of different wines I became I bit of a bloody connoisseur, swishing the wine around my mouth and describing what flavours I was tasting, fuck me I thought if only my rugby mates could see me now!

After the wine tasting was over a number of us staggered out feeling pretty legless but instead of calling it a night we continued drinking at the hotel bar. After a couple of beer’s, I got talking to one of the Aussie boys on the trip, he told me his cousin, who was also on the trip wanted a shag. He introduced us and the next thing I knew we were fucking. After a solid few minutes playing with the land down under, we started shagging. The sex was good, although at one stage I started getting that wine drunk sway on and arsed off the bed. But luckily, I came to my senses and finished like a bloody champ. When we were done, we went back down drinking at the bar like nothing happened, god bless traveling and god bless Australian cousins.

Next up Austria! wait until you find out what happens here

2017 Year Of The Backpacker

Apologies in advance if there are a lot of spelling errors, my proof reading is being a useless shit and gone on holiday. So this is an unfiltered, unedited blog, enjoy!

If there was a book for single female tourists coming to New Zealand after this summer I feel like there should be a section on me. Right next to the night life activities there should be a photo of my tattooed penis. The amount of backpackers I’ve wined, dined and obviously shagged is bloody staggering. The main culprits are the German backpackers, aside from Asian tourists I would say Germans tourists come to New Zealand in their droves. But why? are they big Lord Of The Rings/Hobbit fan boys? Well unfortunately I don’t have the bloody answer because they can’t speak sweet fuck all English. But I guess they don’t make me wear a Gollum mask or tell me to “fuck me hobbit man” so I guess we can rule the fan boy theory possibly.

Come to think of it I should actually start my own tour guide business as the amount of times I have taken backpackers on hikes up Mount Maunganui is fucking staggering. I have to pretend I actually enjoy it too, like “wow such a nice view, I haven’t been up here in ages’ total bullshit.

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This last week I had been chatting up this chick from the Czech Republic. To make me one step a head of all the other horny Kiwi dudes on tinder I actually study the country and learn a few simple words. A bit of bloody research before meeting a European beauty can go along way. I do this to all the foreign hotties I meet and they fucking love it! It’s almost a sign of respect in their eyes that someone has taken the time to actually show an interest in where they come from and doesn’t just wanna get in their pants. Just such a gentleman is I 😉😉😉😜

Now this Czech girl oh my god what a stunner and was as honest as the day is long (most European are to be honest) After we played the age old tradition of hide the sausage, she rolled off me and before I could pretend and say “wow that was great” she said “well that was pretty average!” Bloody hell I thought, I was kinda thinking that but dam I would never say it. But don’t worry we ended up doing it again and I got her moaning saying she loves it whilst I spelt the alphabet out with my tongue on her vag. Good Times Good Times!

BTW if you don’t already chuck us a like on Facebook, trying to get that off the ground again and also instagram. Chur

http://www.facebook.com/tattooedmulligan

http://www.instagram.com/tattooedmulligan

yearoftheb

 

Gone Bush

Abstinence August is well and over, thank God Sex Please September is here! Looking up sex words for that title; ‘Sex Please September’ is the best I could come up with, others considered were: 

  1. September’s Sti’s
  2. Syphilis September
  3. September Scabies

They all sounded good if I was going to Hamilton and not planning on wearing a condom, but no I am staying away from H-town this month, keeping it local here in Tauranga. 

With a fresh new batch of tourists arriving on working holidays to soak up as much of our summer as they possibly can. A huge amount of new tinder profiles have been popping up! Living by the beach here, it’s an attractive place for tourists to come work and play every summer. Anyway, I got a sweet tinder match on Wednesday and immediately started messaging this chick. She had just arrived here from Banbury in the UK on a working holiday (loving it). We were getting on well sending messages the rest of Wednesday and by Thursday she gave me her number (Go Mullie!). Thursday night the texting quickly developed into sexting. Looking back on the messages “I’m rubbing myself” text from her is how things started. After a bit of back and forth messaging one from me saying “I’m so hard for you right now”. I wasn’t at all hard though, I was playing battlefield on the PS4 but going along with her texts at the same time. She then asked if we could send a picture each, great! I thought “I’m half way through a fucking online game and now I have to stop and wake my old fella up to take a dick picture!” Sent the dick pic and she sent me back a picture of her very very un groomed vagina, Jesus christ this isn’t the fucking 70’s I thought. “Send me another” she texted, what the hell does a guy send once a dick pic has been sent??? Girls have the luxury of having 3 great assets for sexting; bum, boobs and vag. In this case a fucking monster hairy minge. Surely to god she doesn’t want a photo of my hairy arse. Me being the photo genius I took a photo from a different angle of my dick, sent it and she loved it.

We arranged to meet up last night in town for a drink. Heading in I was a little nervous hoping she had gotten her weed whackers out and dealt to that afro puff down there. We met up and got on like a house on fire, her banter was top notch and her accent made her even more attractive. After what felt like a dozen or more drinks she asked if I would like to come back to her place. Me being the gentlemen I am I said no and that we should get to know each other better first….joking! “fuck yeah keen as” was my response. We pulled up at the local backpackers where she was renting a room for the summer and immediately started the rough and tumble. Completely forgetting about her huge bush, I pulled her undies off in preparation to give her a tounge tickle down there when whoosh! The huge fucking bush protruded out in all its glory. Now this wasn’t just a little fluff, this was a fucking HUGE amount of hair, already committed I began to give her a lick, every time I swallowed whist down there I could feel hairs on my tongue. I tried to make it as quick as possible but she was loving it, “ohhh Sean don’t stop” she moaned. After awhile I said “I have to stop” looking down at me she asked “why, oh my god it feels so good”. I replied quite frankly with “Because its like a garden down here and I have a mouthful of hair.” Luckily she laughed and we had sex which was great. After it was all said and done I might have convinced her to shave or at least maintain her bush. Job well done 👍

Well thats it from me, hopefully I will be seeing more of her while she is here on her working holiday which will be great and hopefully more blogs to come as a result!

The Lil Guy Stole My Girl!

“Sorry you lot can’t stay here” the owner of the backpackers began to explain “you broke the window last time and were far too loud, we had numerous complaints from other guests”. Shit! I thought, this weekend in Taupo couldn’t have started any worse. We weren’t allowed to stay at that backpackers, so we had to go across the road and booked into the more expensive one. Unlike our usual backpackers this one doesn’t have a balcony so me and the boys are left to drink in our room.

I brought a packet of cards so we started playing circle of death/four kings in our room. It wasn’t long until I got dared to do something stupid. My mate Jase dared me to streak down the hallway and take the lift naked. So off I went balls dangling everywhere. I pressed the lift button to go up as I thought there would be a better chance nobody would be waiting to get on, as there was only one floor above us and three below us. Oh how wrong I was! The doors open and three poor Asians were standing there with a look of sheer terror on their faces. I thought ‘sweet surely they won’t get on the lift with me’ nope they got on. So there I was cupping me privates while these three Asians hugged the opposite site of the lift. That was the most awkward lift ride I have ever had!

We got ready for town and off we went. I noticed this little kid in one of the clubs “how the fuck did he get in here” I thought. On a closer look it realized it wasn’t a kid at all, it was a midget. Now to this day I do not know the acceptable term to call them so if you do, send me a tweet @mullied. I will refer to him as “the lil guy” from here on in. I grab a drink and begin to dance in a semi-circle with the guys. Scanning the dance floor I spot a group of girls and set my sights on one beautiful looking girl with blonde hair. As a group we start dancing our way over to their group. Everything starts to go well, she yells in my ear over the music that she likes my tattoos; I shout back that I’m a tattooist.;) We continue dancing and buying their group drinks and shots. I go to the toilet and when I come back the girl I was dancing with is dancing with the lil guy. Huh, what the fuck?! I immediately make my way over to my groups who have kinda been shunned to the side. This lil guy is busting out all the moves, doing the worm, spinning around and the girl was with is loving it. I start dancing beside her but she straight pie faces me and continues to dance with the lil guy. I feel like drop kicking this lil shit out the door but instead I buy him a drink and cheers him on his good dancing. The last I see of him is him getting in a taxi with the group of girls that we were dancing with, he glanced back at us guys and gave as the thumbs up the, lil buggar! “Well that sucked” Jase announced to all of us. “No it doesn’t” I said “it’s not every day you get a girl stolen off you by a dwarf, plus we still got the strip club to go to!”. So off to the strip club we went!

Why I hate blow jobs

Blow jobs; what guy doesn’t love a girl creating magic down there with her lips, mouth and if you’re lucky her throat 😉 Well sadly I don’t like them, it’s not really the fact I don’t like them per say, it’s that…well after this next story I share you might have a better understanding as to why. I have just found my old iPhone which has sparked this story from reading through old texts.

It was summer time here in New Zealand, it was January 2009. Girls were looking for summer lovin’ and I was more than happy to be multiple girls’ summertime fling. Single Ladies by Beyoncé was the number one song in the country which was great as when that song came on in the club it was so easy to spot the single girls. They’d be the ones waving their arms about asking for someone to put a ring on it. That’s not me love, but thank you for helping me out by letting me know you’re single.

Each year when I lived in Hamilton I would spend a month of summer in Tauranga at my parents. Hamilton nightlife was dead with university over for the year. At the same stage Tauranga town experiences it’s busiest two months of the year with all the uni kids back an of coarse all the tourists that flock in their masses to be by the beautiful beach.

One night I went out with two of my cousins that had come over from Australia who I hadn’t seen in a few years. We had been going bar to bar and they were really impressed by how I could pull the girls. I had hooked up with a few girls but nothing too great – that was until we entered the Bahama Hut night club. Soon Beyoncé’s single ladies came on, I spotted my pray busting out some ridiculous dance moves. I pounced; coming in with my dice shaker moves. Here’s a quick tip, if you know that they know that you know that your making a dick out of yourself by dancing and you get them to laugh your already at first base! She was a hot looking brunette, she looked around 20 years old and I could tell by her glassy eyes that she was as drunk as I felt. I waited for the song to finish and I quickly whispered in her ear that I thought she was hot.  Touching her arm I pulled away giving a sheepish smile and that’s all it took! After about another half a song we were playing tonsil hockey. I looked over at my two cousins and they gave me the big thumbs up. I took her up to the bar where we sunk a good half dozen shots. At this stage I was completely wasted, somehow we ended up in the girl’s toilet. She started speaking and I noticed she had a British accent, I love accents. She ordered me to take my pants off, I took them off and she started giving me head. It hurt so much she was using her teeth so much every suck it got worse. I was too wasted to tell her to stop but it felt like she was grating my dick in her mouth. All of a sudden she began to slow down the back and forth motion of the blow job. As I looked down I could see she was beginning to coma out, I began to lean back pulling my penis away from her but as I did she was falling back against the wall to coma. She bit down on my dick! Fortunately I had successfully pulled most of it out but I couldn’t get the tip out in time. As her teeth penetrated through the flesh of my cock I let out the biggest scream. I shook her head to wake her and luckily she immediately came to. I looked down at my best friend (not the girl, my penis!) and it had teeth holes in with dark dark blood beginning to ooze out. I snapped out of my drunken state and took off into the boy’s bathroom. My poor penis was so sore; I stuffed some toilet paper down my undies to form a makeshift nappy, grabbed my cousins and taxied home.

It took ages for my penis to heal and it was so painful whilst it tried to form a scab. Since then I have never trusted another girl with my penis in their mouth, if I did they have to be stone cold sober. I just have to look down and see the tooth scars on my mate to support my decision!