Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.2

The next day was just a day out with my flatmate whom I had promised I would spend a day with to do all the touristy bullshit. To say this day didn’t drag would be a fucking understatement, it started off fun with Madame Tausauds wax museum, but then went to some bloody lizard wildlife crap. As we began queuing to get in about half a fucking school of little 9-10 year old Australian kids did too. Now picture the most annoying fucking accent and add pre puberty squeakiness to that then add fucking volume, you get the worst thing on fucking earth. As we walked around looking at these stupid fucking lizards that just lay there doing sweet fuck all, these kids were going nuts. Running into everyone and screaming like fuck. I almost chucked a couple of them into the snake enclosure, might’ve been the most excitement those poor snakes have had all year.   
After the day of doom it was time to get ready to go the the Golden Mile – Kings Cross! Now if you haven’t heard about Kings Cross, its like the red light district of Sydney. Bars, brothels, night clubs and my personal favourite strip clubs are all on offer in this delightful place, its like Disneyland for me. I started bar crawling jumping from bar to bar to find a cool atmosphere and cheapish drinks. I finally settled on one called Kings Cross Motel, the staff were so nice and the place was pumping with hot chicks. I started chatting to a group of girls by buying them a round of drinks which worked a treat and thats all it took. The next thing I know I’m on the dance floor kissing the face off this pretty ok looking ozzy. Things go down hill pretty fast though as the larger friend of her group decides to pull her away from me and tells her its time to call it a night. Everyone else in the group seemed to be having a great time but fucking chunkimus prime decided to shut the fucking fun down and go home. So I was all on my lonesome again, should I call it a night too I thought? Fuck no!!  

It was time to head to the strippers so I stroll down the street browsing which one I should go into and settle on Bada Bing nightspot. The girls are stunning and very welcoming. I immediately get given a free wee lap dance by probably the ugliest one there, to be honest I couldn’t wait for her to finish; she obviously was on the hustle as she must have seen me get one hundred dollars worth of stripper bucks out. She did a handstand putting her vagina right in my face, now usually this would be a guys dream mine but this fucking chick stunk like smoked bloody fish. I could smell it before she did the handstand move but when she did the handstand I almost threw up into her fucking vag. Luckily she couldn’t hold that position for long as I was trying so hard not to gag. Apart from that the rest of the night spent at the strip club was great! One of the dancers was a kiwi and gave me a sweet discount on a private dildo show and even let me stick the big black one in, wahoo! I ended up ubering it back to the motel at around 2am, luckily the nice manager at the strip club charged my phone for me as it was dead. 

Well that was it from my Sydney adventure, onwards to Perth. Lets see what the dating scene is like there!

Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.1

Wahooo! Mully Dates has finally gone international. First stop this past week was Sydney. The flight to Sydney was a complete disaster, not only were the airhoes rude as fuck they made my polite and nice flatmate cry. After asking to borrow a pen from one of them she got a “no, I need to keep this pen on me, ask one of the others”. Ok cool, so we asked one of the other unenthusiastic bitches who reluctantly gave her pen up so we could fill out our declaration forms. She made sure to tell us she needed it back though. Well my flattie rang the over head bell and gave it to who we both thought was the grumpy bitch. But no, 10 minutes went by and the pen giving grumpy bitch came back asking for it. What followed was a lecture on borrowing things on a plane to give back to the right person. With the embarrassment of everyone looking over to see what was going on and then to pen bitch storming off, my flatmate burst into tears. I would like to end this part with a FUCK YOU JETSTAR!
Aside from that the trips been pretty good. Once I got to the motel I jumped on the complimentary wifi and started looking for possibilities on Tinder. I started chatting to a few, most wanting to go out for a coffee – oh how metrosexual of you Sydney. But a coffee in the middle of the day was definitely not what I wanted. It wasn’t long until I found a girl and lets call her shazza. Shazza had the same idea as me which was a “hang out” at her place in Richmond. Now the next mission was finding were exactly this Richmond is. Staying by the Green Square train station I took the train to Central, now if you have been to central station its a labyrinth of tunnels, stair cases and platforms. To fast forward things up, I jumped on several different trains and wasted a few hours trying to figure out were the hell this Richmond place was. Whilst on the train I popped a Viagra I had brought over from NZ in the hope that her meaning of a “hang out” was the same as mine. I end up paying $2 to a homeless dude at central station after arriving there for a fourth time, he happily showed me which route I should be taking; top guy. 
I eventually get to Richmond then waste another 30 minutes trying to find her place. By the time I get there my penis had been fully erected for the last two hours and was fucking hurting. I knocked on her door and was greeted by this extremely large girl, oh fuck I thought I’ve been catfished yet again. “Hi are you Shazza?” I ask, “Nah mate Shazza is outback having a dart” large girl said. She invites me in and Shazza had just finished her smoke “Hi Sean, you finally bloody mate it” Shazza said in the thickest Australian accent I have come across. We start chatting which basically consisted of me listening to this chatter box yak on about her day at work. I couldn’t understand a lot as her phrases she used mixed with her accent made it difficult. Just as it looked like we were about to go to her room her phone bloody rings and its her ex and for the next ten mintutes I hear the full run down on their relationship. 

She dumped him because he drives a holden, and her family are proud die hard Ford supporters. She was embarrassed and ashamed when he brought a Holden so she dumped him straight away, fuck I better not tell her I drive a Holden. She hung up on him with a big “fuck you and fuck off”. She then rudely grabs me by the arm and says “come on sheep shagger, lets go to my room.” This kinda made me pissed off but hey I’m in her room now. We start kissing and all I can taste is tobacco, thankfully the kissing doesn’t last long as she soon begins sucking my didgeridoo. It feels ok but I could feel her teeth a lot which wasn’t making me relax much (Remember this). We end up having sex and the sheep shagger comment is still annoying me, so I flipped her around in doggy style and showed her what a sheep shagger could do with a tablet of viagra in him. She fucking loved it, so without thinking I grabbed her tits and whispered in her ear “I drive a holden” she started thrashing about “you bastard!”. I was holding on for dear fucking life but it didn’t last for long. “Just shut up and keep fucking me kiwi boy” We finished up and apart from me pissing her off with my holden revelation she loved my digerdoo even wanting me to stay the night but I put a stop to that as I had the Rabbitohs to go see play! 

Weekend Of Damage

As I head through Rotorua on my way to Taupo the stench of sulpha makes its way through my nostrils. It’s a strong smell of rotten eggs. “I’m glad I’m not staying here tonight” I say to my mate Jase who is on his third beer already. In hindsight we should have stayed there and not carried on to Taupo. What a messy weekend it was.

We pulled into a car park just off the main road in Taupo and started shopping around the back packers to find out which one would suit us. We finally settled on the backpackers, it was a pretty run down place but it had two things going for it; It was cheap and you could bring your own alcohol up to drink on the deck, loving it!

Jase and I chucked our bags in the room and headed straight to the bottle shop. I texted my other two mates who were coming from Naiper to let them know where we were staying. I couldn’t pick what to drink so I went for the ol’ faithful – the mighty Waikato draught beer! We headed back to the deck at the backpackers where we started chopping them back. By the time my other mates arrived Jase and I were already half way through our boxes. Luckily the guys had brought heaps more beers and also a bottle of the hot stuff.

We continued drinking for a while talking shit and getting louder and louder. Suddenly Jase had a brilliant idea to play a game he calls ‘Pussy’. He quickly explained this stupid came in his drunk state saying that we crack the bottle of the hot stuff, which I recall was a 1L bottle of Jim Beam, we have a swig and pass it to the next person. Whoever pulls out first is the pussy and has to be our slave for the night. The other three of us reluctantly agree. To cut a long story short none of us gave up so in about five minutes the four of us had finished off a bottle of Jim Beam. Things started to get a bit blurry now. We staggered back to our room to get ready for town. I thought it would be funny to grab the fire extinguisher from the hall way and spray Jase with it. Pointing it at the back of his head he turned around and at point blank range I sprayed him right in the face. Suddenly it was all on! He grabbed it off me and did the same thing. Before we knew it the whole room was filled up with white foam. Not to be out done my other mate flipped the mattresses and started going ape shit; I tried to tackle him but missed and smashed the window in the room. We thought we would just sort it out in the morning so we continued to party heading down to the clubs. We got turned away from the majority of them so I went back to the room and went to bed.

Waking up the next morning I slowly opened my eyes and wish I hadn’t! I had pissed the bed WHAT THE FUCK I thought. I felt like I was in lake Taupo. I looked around and saw one of the guys had punched a hole in the wall, the window was completely smashed and the empty fire extinguisher was right in the middle of the room. We had to be out by 10 and it was already 9.30. I wake the guys up asking who made the hole in the wall but nobody could remember – typical. I went and told the owner what had happened and he took it rather well, looking at the damage he asked us to stay until he got a quote on how much it would cost to fix. Eight hundred dollars was the quote being it a Sunday. Considering I smashed the big window I paid six hundred and the guys paid the rest. What a messy, messy weekend. Never drinking again ever, until next weekend!