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Middle Of Nowhere Date Recap

If you watch too much of something you get convinced real life is going to be like that. Well that’s exactly what happened to me last night. As I lay in bed trying to recount what exactly happened to me, all I can do is laugh…

I had been chatting to a girl on Tinder for a week or so, when she asked if I would like to meet up. I looked at how far away she was, about a two hour or so round trip. I agreed. This meant I could keep Twitter informed as my dating posts were live. 

Now, if you haven’t followed my live Twitter dating updates before shame on you! But, people seem to get a kick out of me updating everyone on how a date is progressing. 

So after an hour drive to the middle of nowhere, I finally came across her address. Her house looks like something out of one of ‘The Conjuring’ movies. The outside of the house was run down to fuck. I knocked on the door, and had convinced myself that the fucking Texas chainsaw dude was about to answer the door and saw my cock off. But to my surprise the girl I had been messaging answered the door. Fuck yes! She greeted me with a smile and welcomed me in.

There were no pubs where my date lived, so we drank at her place and then eventually went to her friends. We chatted about bullshit like cars, hunting and fishing which I had know idea about, but I was winging it and sprinkled bullshit on top made those conversations work. 

We got to her friends place just before 8pm, which I thought was pretty early, but not for her friend who had already polished off 10 x 7% cans of whiskey and cola. She was happy to see us. That happiness must’ve been a relief as she wanted us to play the drinking game, kings cup/circle of death/ four kings ….fuck….

At first her friend refused to let us play, telling us to take 4 shots of vodka so we would be on her level. We took the shots and the game was on! With some luck I got the rule card a couple of times. The first rule I made was pretty tame “if someone turns over a heart card you have to act out what your favourite thing to do in foreplay is. WOW! So I have never got my finger sucked before, but fuck me that was one lucky finger. The pressure was spot on and the technique was fucking lush. I wished it was something else feeling that pressure.


After all three of us were pretty sloshed, I decided to push my luck and make a saucy rule. “If either of you pick up a heart you have to kiss” I felt like a fucking horny 16 year old announcing this, minus the erection and with a pretty happy sucked off finger.

Well my date got a heart and they kissed. A peck? No, these middle of nowhere chicks were going hard. They were groping each other, their tongues getting lost in each others mouths. Well have no fear Mullie was there! I wanted the game to continue so I got in the middle of them. I honestly tried to remind them of the importance of the game at hand. “Fuck the game” the friend said as she knocked away the cards “give us that cock”

If there was an Olympic medal for getting naked I would have won it. Those two eager beavers commanded my clothes came off and that I gave them the D. Within seconds I was completely naked. They started giving me head and for the next 10 minutes we continued the foreplay. Eventually,  I decided it was time for my ‘lil boy’ to venture into a couple of blackholes. As I got it ready my date said “Lets do the swamp thing.” The fuck…? I thought as I laid there with a rock hard one.

They grabbed my hands and took me outside, for some reason I thought I was going to be sacrificed to the bloody middle of nowhere gods. But luckily that wasn’t the case. Those two horny girls just wanted to fuck outdoors. Most of us call it public sex, dogging or just simply sex outside, but not these girls. They had made my penis retreat into my body as they took me outside for some fucking swamp thing.

Luckily, a bit of mouth to mouth resuscitation woke ‘lil mate’ up and we fucked outside while the full moon beamed down on us. What a bloody great time to be alive. Now I wish I could sound like a blogging pimp and say we were out there shagging for fucking ages but no. Uncle Mulligan tired his best not to explode by thinking of his grandma in the middle of the fun but eventually I fucking exploded like firework in a letterbox.

We then went inside because who wants to cuddle outside. They continued drinking and I stopped in preparation to drive back early Sunday morning. I had a nap on the couch and as soon as my alarm went off I was greeted with morning sex.

 I bloody love the middle of nowhere!!!
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American Tour Part 1 LA

What a bloody whirlwind of a trip, after taking a few months hiatus from blogging to work on my music, I’m back. 

Lets get back into it and boy oh boy do I have some juicy stories from the United States to share. I started my trip in Los Angeles with a direct flight from New Zealand, which was handy. Going through customs at LAX was a pretty nerve racking experience. Everyone had told me how hard the Americans are at letting people in but luckily for me I got the coolest dude who was into tattoos and was completely chill. “Welcome to America Sean, enjoy your stay” he said handing me back my passport. America, fuck yeah! 

As I got out of the airport, it was as if I had stepped into a sauna, I had never experienced that type of heat before. 40 something degrees, the type of heat where your balls instantly start sweating and your belly button develops its own pool of sweat. I immediately got an Uber and high tailed it to my motel, it was in the heart of down town LA. My hotel was called ‘Little Tokyo Hotel’ if you are ever thinking of staying in Los Angeles, DON’T STAY THERE! It had no fucking air conditioning! It was 40 degrees outside and 50 degrees inside! I got there late and had already paid, so I attempted to sleep. Well I now know what it feels like to have no sleep on a plane, no sleep in a filthy scum fuck motel, be dehydrated and have sweaty fucking balls.

The next day, I checked into the motel across the road making bloody sure they had air conditioning before booking in. After checking in, the first thing I did was have a shower…. joking, it was to jump on Tinder! I immediately matched with over 100 women. “Fuck me!” I thought, being in a bigger country is insane. I didn’t even have to do any grafting, one of the girls messaged me saying “OMG, I love accents” and before I knew it that girl was on top of me enjoying this Kiwi sausage! 

The next few days, consisted of a lot of sightseeing which I won’t bore you with. Although the main actress off of Orange Is The New Black nearly crashed into our Hollywood sightseeing buggy, which was pretty entertaining. I ended up shagging 3 girls whilst in Los Angeles, which was pretty good, considering I was only there for 4 days. Although I would’ve loved to make it 4 from 4. 

Next stop Las Vegas! Holy heck did I get up to some mischief in the City of Sin 😍

PS I Fucking Love Hooters 👌🏼👌🏼

THE WORST WEEKEND OF MY SEX LIFE EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

You think you had a bad weekend as it pertains to sex? Believe you me; mine was 10 times worse! With just the shit that went down last Friday night I was going to put pen to paper and write up a blog called ‘A Bad Weekend’, but then Saturday night came and went and I’m changing the title to THE WORST WEEKEND OF MY SEX LIFE EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
It all started on the Friday. I had been messaging a Tinder girl from Tauranga for a while. We had already gone on two dates and she had a three-date minimum before sex – which was fine, totally respectable and commendable. So I called over to her place after I had finished work with a bottle of honey whiskey. She’d already started drinking a couple of hours before and urged me to catch up. Not only did I catch up, I bloody overtook her shot-ing most of my 1 litre of whiskey I had brought. We started kissing on her sofa, I remember popping a Viagra and sneakily putting my shiny new cock ring I had brought on. Then the whiskey hit me like a freight train and I passed out.
I woke up/came too with her on top of me, with me inside her but I could hear a guy’s voice. “WTF” I thought as no guy had been at her place beforehand. I look up and while she was riding me she was sucking off a random guy. I admittedly panicked and told her to get off and that I wasn’t comfortable with this. To say she hit the roof was an understatement! “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!” she began “WHY ARE YOU BEING SO WEIRD THIS!” Hmmm maybe because I had no clue as to what was going on? She stormed out of her room and random guy walked out to console her. I went to the toilet and as they were outside still having a smoke, I went back to sleep. I woke up in the morning in her bed with no-one else, I walked out to the lounge to see him and her cuddled on the sofa. I picked up my shoes and got the fuck outta there, still trying to figure out what the fuck had happened.
Saturday didn’t start for me until about 3pm when I stumbled out of bed, hopped into the car and took off to Hamilton. I met up with the girl whom I shagged on New Year’s at her place. We had been talking since New Year and were going to go to town clubbing on Saturday. We started drinking and she decides to bust out the Jager and here we go, another slippery slope for Mr Mulligan. She ordered a taxi and fuck me I can’t find my wallet, we look everywhere for it even ripping my car apart but to no avail. She still wants to go to town so she puts me to bed in her bed and whispers “I’ll be back to have some fun” I smile and pass out.
“Sean? Sean? Sean!!!!!!!” she yells at me shaking me. I wake up and start to grin, for the fun to come I thought. But I look up at her and notice a big buff Maori bloke behind her. Fuck me I thought, not another repeat of Friday night’s debauchery. It’s even fucking worse, “Um hi” she begins nicely. “Can you go sleep on the sofa please?” she asks. She has brought back a fucking shag!!!!!!!! Feeling defeated and dejected I go lie on her sofa and try to drift back to sleep but not before I hear this girl that I actually liked moaning as this dude rooted her. WORST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE DOT COM.

Shite on the dance floor

Girls don’t like it if ya leave them in the club for long periods of time nor do they like it if ya fart during sex. Well this past weekend both of those things happened last night
I had been messaging this girl for a couple of days off of this new dating app called Bumble (surely whoever made that app could’ve named it something fucking better them bloody Bumble) when I thought fuck I’m getting bored with all this chitchat bullshit, I’ll just ask her out. She said yes, I got her address and promised to pick her up at 10pm that night. Around this time my stomach began playing up, feeling really tight, but thinking it was just indigestion, I thought nothing of it. 

I took her to the rugby flat where several dozen people had congregated earlier to watch the Maori All Blacks play the British & Irish Lions. We started pre-loading before going to town, doing shots of homemade spirits to doing funnels of beer, shit was getting hectic. We all decided it was time to go when my mate Bazza decide to tackle the wall; the wall lost. 

When we got to town the majority of us got declined entry at most places but luckily my mate knew the bouncers on the Bahama Hut nightclub door so in we went. We started dancing or attempting to, the place was packed, my stomach began playing up again. I thought I would let it out with a hard satisfying fart…. 

 

Arhhhhh Sqeeze Arhhhhh

 

PLOOP…. OMG 

 

FUCK

 

I’ve shit myself.

 

I bolt to the bathroom, pushing past people feeling the runny shit dribbling down my inner of my pants. I get to the toilet, pull my pants down and it looks like a fucking bomb had gone off in there. Still pretty drunk and not wanting to cut the night short I grab my soiled undies and take them with me back to the nightclub. Just before I spot my date I drop them on the dance floor and shuffle over to her. “Where have you been!” she wails. “Taking care of some business in the loo” I yell to her over the loud music, “I thought you left me!” she said.

Now back to the soiled undies as we continued to dance I saw these shitty things get kicked to all corners of the fucking club. It was like a beachball at a concert only shittier. Whoever the poor cunt was at the end of the night that had to do clean up I’m sorry.  

I took the girl back to mine with my stomach feeling better after emptying it at the club. We start having sex which by all accounts was great and then it hit me halfway through, I need to fart but I don’t know if a fart is all that will happen. I try holding it which made it worst and eventually it falls out. BURRRRRRRRTTT luckily it was just a fart but it was a loud bastard. “Ewwww get off, you’re disgusting” my date said, getting up and dressed “ring me a taxi”.

All I could think when she left was, I’m glad she didn’t see the shit that happened at the bloody club if she thought a fucking fart was disgusting! 

Sean Bigalow Male Gigolo

Being a known lothario in the Tauranga community definitely has its setbacks especially as almost every girl I stumble across has at least half a dozen mutual friends with me. But on the plus side, having everyone know I’m up for a good time does have its benefits especially if someone’s mate needs a good shagging! 
 
This plus side came into effect on Monday night this week, on the eve of Anzac Day (an annual holiday here in New Zealand, look it up if you wanna know more, this isn’t a fucking history lesson), one of my mates flicked me an interesting message saying “Mully! Call me, my mate urgently needs a date, she will pay you!” Being a clueless twat I message back “hey… uh wtf?” She went on to explain her friend was having a school reunion party and she wanted to bring a trophy boy/ toy boy with her to show off to all her old classmates. “How much?” was my next question, “unlimited drinks, dinner and $200”. Well fuck, she had me at the unlimited drinks! 
 
She also requested that I wear something formal… ‘fucking formal’ I thought. Well I end up decking myself out in my outfit I wore for my best mate’s wedding.
 
I go to met this chick – and my mate who had arranged this all hadn’t even let me stalk the lass’s Facebook – all I managed to get out of her was “she won’t be your type”. Well fuck me she wasn’t wrong. I knock on her door and I thought Tauranga had been hit by a fucking earthquake. The ground was shaking more and more until she opened the door. “Hi I’m Trish” she bellowed, now fuck me if it weren’t for her feet and arms she would be perfectly fucking round, fuck’s sakes my mate set me up.
 
Ok yes I know I’m a shallow prick rah de rah, but hey if you have every used Tinder YOU YOURSELF are a shallow motherfucker too! You solely judge by swiping right if you like the way someone looks so take ya fucking judgemental hat off and continue reading this blog :p 
 
We head out to the event in my poor car and its suspension got the workout of its bloody life. We arrived at the event with all her old classmates looking at us with ‘wtf, how does that work?’ expressions plastered all over their middle-aged faces. After standing for about an hour or so with her making her way around everyone with me by her side, we finally got a seat and I started knocking the drinks back! 
 
Everything from here on in was a bloody blur, but I do remember getting questioned by a dude in the bathroom. He asked me “Bro what’s with you and Trish? You can’t be serious” now ok Trish is large, like really really fucking large but she seems really nice too so fuck that guy. I replied “I have a thing for large women with awesome personalities, sick of stick-figured airhead bitches” – knowing full well that’s exactly what his partner looked and sounded like. I relayed this to Trish who burst out laughing and claimed that prick was in his 3rd marriage to a Barbie doll, good luck to him haha. 
 
Me and Trish started getting on really well, laughing at all her old classmates with her dishing dirt on the majority of them. We left the do just after midnight leaving my car there and getting a taxi. She invited me back to her place which ended up being a bad idea as we shagged. But holy guacamole NOTHING and I mean fucking nothing was out of bounds for her… I will let your mind do the wondering :p 
 
I woke up early, she gave me the $200 cash, thanked me for my services and boom! I was on my way. Sean Bigalow Male Fucking Gigolo is born 😎😎😎😮😮😮🙈🙈🙈
sean big

What Annoys Me About Tinder Girls

Lately I have been getting sick as fuck of tinder, every second profile I come across is either a fake profile or just too bloody terrible to look at. Recently I have been jotting down notes of what has been really bugging me and I thought these need to be shared. Please realise these are notes put together so they don’t have any point to them, they just random rants. Every fucking second fucking profile is from the USA for FUCK SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!! guna feel sorry for someone that is legit from the US but every time I swipe on one of these profiles they ask me to go to something along the lines of fuckme.com or some other bullshit fake as fuck site, arghhhhhhhh. 

If your tinder profile is just photos of bloody scenery don’t moan because people don’t swipe right! I don’t want to fuck a mountain, I want titties the size of mountains. Yes that’s a lovely fucking river but fuck sakes SHOW ME YOU! 

If your tinder profile is a fucking essay of what you want in a guy, don’t moan because people don’t swipe right example fucking one 

I have this personal trait where I care too much about others and go out of my way to make sure they’re happy, and forget about my own happiness. So I’ve decided I’m going to be a bit selfish for once in my life and look after myself and my happiness. I am relocating to Taupo as step one in my own happiness. Step two is hopefully meeting someone amazing down here. I have a university degree, full time job and two vehicles (whoop whoop) – so I like to think I have my head screwed on and am going places. My biggest passion is traveling the world and especially remote places of NZ, which is partly where my biggest hobby comes in. This hobby, my family and friends are the most important things in my life and would hope that one day soon I can find someone to share all these things with. I’m no model, have never claimed to be, and whilst I may not look like I did when I was 17, I’m still the exact same funny, kind hearted, somewhat sassy person I’ve always been. I’m not afraid to speak my mind or have an opinion about something, so you can guarantee I’ll always be straight with you. All I expect is the same in return! Easy huh!”

No one cares that you have two fucking cars, no one cares about any of this shit! That’s what meeting up and actually talking to someone is all about. 4 emojis in your profile would be better and hey put two fucking car emoji’s if you’re think it’s important, f sakes.

You like animals? Cool, great, amazing, praise the fucking lord. Photos of you and your animals in every photo is annoying but no photos of you and just of your fucking cat?! This isn’t a bestiality site, I’m not trying to shag ya fucking cat. SHOW ME YOU!

Close up selfies for all your photos?! fuck right off! I want to see all of you in at least one photo. Not just ya bloody face, fuck… chances are it’s for a reason and not just cause you like the look of you own face #CoughCatfishCough

Here for the LOLS you say? Then why the fuck are you asking me around for a drink? The real laugh out louds will happen when I don’t pull out … BOOM!! 

Snap Chat bloody filters!!!! Is this snap chat NO!!! then why do I see girl after freaking girl posing with their toungues out. They are the worst on tinder profiles…. Sorry love you are not a rabbit…. more like a rat. ok a bit harsh, but you get the point. 

Well those are my rants, hope you enjoyed them, I think this tinder app is taking years off my life, bloody stressful lol. Now time to plan for a date that I will be live tweeting and streaming for the first time this year! Follow along tonight on my twitter this Thursday, it’s going to be fun! Peace ✌️

The Girls Of Tinder 

Well while I’m sitting here listening to a great song called ‘Swipe Her’ – by yours truly. I’m swiping through tinder and noticing more and more different types of girls that can be rounded up into different categories. So if you’re a noob to Tinder or just wanna get the 4-1-1 on what to expect, have a read of this blog that I just wrote called ‘The Girls Of Tinder’.
Now, the first type of girl and normally my favourite is Fun Girl. Fun Girl will make it crystal clear that she is here for a good time not a long time. She will either drop some big hints like; ‘Wanna hang tonight?’ (aka Netflix and chill aka hide the sausage). Either that or she will actually write “here for a good time not a long time” on her profile! Super like her if thats what you’re wanting.

Next girl is Bong Girl. Bong Girl is looking for weed, obviously, now she may say she is looking for someone to smoke her weed with but what she is really saying is “Hey, I don’t have any weed but i’ll come meet you and smoke all of yours and grace you with my company.”

Next is Fuck Knows What I Want Girl. Now Fuck Knows What I Want Girl doesn’t fucking know what she wants and she will MESSAGE YOU ALL FUCKING NIGHT and you still won’t know what she fucking wants. If it says this on her profile SWIPE LEFT unless you wanna talk about how her day is, how the fucking weather is, what she had for tea, how she wipes her bum. Swipe left please. 

Looking For Friends Girl is next…….. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING FOR FRIENDS ON TINDER! Swipe Left for fuck sakes.

Dinner Girl is next, she may disguise herself as fun girl but she’s not! I had a Dinner Girl last week: brought her the first drink thinking I was hanging with Fun Girl then fucking Boom!! Fun Girl asks if we should get a menu, my Tinder senses started tingling and fucking Bam! She orders food and ol mully has to pay as she has no money. DINNER GIRL. 

Lastly is Relationship Girl, like a Dinner Girl but one big difference… she offers to split the bill if you go out on a date. Obviously you’re going to pick up the bill on the first date but just her offering changes her from Dinner Girl to Relationship Girl. Also Relationship Girl goes home on first date if she doesn’t, mate you gotta Fun Girl! 

Well thats it, of course there are more types like Sally Barry Girl when the girl is actually a fucking dude but hey lets hope you don’t come across one of them!

Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.1

Wahooo! Mully Dates has finally gone international. First stop this past week was Sydney. The flight to Sydney was a complete disaster, not only were the airhoes rude as fuck they made my polite and nice flatmate cry. After asking to borrow a pen from one of them she got a “no, I need to keep this pen on me, ask one of the others”. Ok cool, so we asked one of the other unenthusiastic bitches who reluctantly gave her pen up so we could fill out our declaration forms. She made sure to tell us she needed it back though. Well my flattie rang the over head bell and gave it to who we both thought was the grumpy bitch. But no, 10 minutes went by and the pen giving grumpy bitch came back asking for it. What followed was a lecture on borrowing things on a plane to give back to the right person. With the embarrassment of everyone looking over to see what was going on and then to pen bitch storming off, my flatmate burst into tears. I would like to end this part with a FUCK YOU JETSTAR!
Aside from that the trips been pretty good. Once I got to the motel I jumped on the complimentary wifi and started looking for possibilities on Tinder. I started chatting to a few, most wanting to go out for a coffee – oh how metrosexual of you Sydney. But a coffee in the middle of the day was definitely not what I wanted. It wasn’t long until I found a girl and lets call her shazza. Shazza had the same idea as me which was a “hang out” at her place in Richmond. Now the next mission was finding were exactly this Richmond is. Staying by the Green Square train station I took the train to Central, now if you have been to central station its a labyrinth of tunnels, stair cases and platforms. To fast forward things up, I jumped on several different trains and wasted a few hours trying to figure out were the hell this Richmond place was. Whilst on the train I popped a Viagra I had brought over from NZ in the hope that her meaning of a “hang out” was the same as mine. I end up paying $2 to a homeless dude at central station after arriving there for a fourth time, he happily showed me which route I should be taking; top guy. 
I eventually get to Richmond then waste another 30 minutes trying to find her place. By the time I get there my penis had been fully erected for the last two hours and was fucking hurting. I knocked on her door and was greeted by this extremely large girl, oh fuck I thought I’ve been catfished yet again. “Hi are you Shazza?” I ask, “Nah mate Shazza is outback having a dart” large girl said. She invites me in and Shazza had just finished her smoke “Hi Sean, you finally bloody mate it” Shazza said in the thickest Australian accent I have come across. We start chatting which basically consisted of me listening to this chatter box yak on about her day at work. I couldn’t understand a lot as her phrases she used mixed with her accent made it difficult. Just as it looked like we were about to go to her room her phone bloody rings and its her ex and for the next ten mintutes I hear the full run down on their relationship. 

She dumped him because he drives a holden, and her family are proud die hard Ford supporters. She was embarrassed and ashamed when he brought a Holden so she dumped him straight away, fuck I better not tell her I drive a Holden. She hung up on him with a big “fuck you and fuck off”. She then rudely grabs me by the arm and says “come on sheep shagger, lets go to my room.” This kinda made me pissed off but hey I’m in her room now. We start kissing and all I can taste is tobacco, thankfully the kissing doesn’t last long as she soon begins sucking my didgeridoo. It feels ok but I could feel her teeth a lot which wasn’t making me relax much (Remember this). We end up having sex and the sheep shagger comment is still annoying me, so I flipped her around in doggy style and showed her what a sheep shagger could do with a tablet of viagra in him. She fucking loved it, so without thinking I grabbed her tits and whispered in her ear “I drive a holden” she started thrashing about “you bastard!”. I was holding on for dear fucking life but it didn’t last for long. “Just shut up and keep fucking me kiwi boy” We finished up and apart from me pissing her off with my holden revelation she loved my digerdoo even wanting me to stay the night but I put a stop to that as I had the Rabbitohs to go see play! 

No Luck Mulligan

Before I start the blog, three things I learnt this past weekend are:

  • Ponsonby girls think their shit don’t stink
  • Don’t mix drinks. Just don’t.
  • Flush the fucking toilet if you’re going to pass out on it.

Anyway, this past weekend I headed up to Auckland for the NRL Nines. An awesome two-day tournament that is held annually which kicks off the footy season for the year. As I woke up on Saturday morning I felt this rush of excitement come over me realizing it was time for a road trip. My mates turned up around 8am with boxes of beer on the ute, “It’s beer O’clock mully” one shouted smiling handing me a beer. By the time we got up to Auckland me and the boys were already feeling pretty merry. As we head to find our seats I see a number of people dressed up in some pretty cool costumes like The T Birds off Grease, Hulk Hogan, Power Rangers and my favorite – the hot nurses. Unfortunately, I didn’t end up dressing up because the lot I was with didn’t want to which pissed me off, looking back now I should have just dressed up anyway. After my second round of 4 beers for myself I decided to go for a wonder, I ended up at the merchandise tent being served by this banging Australian chick. She was really nice and in my drunken state I could have bloody sworn she was flirting with me. While the eftpos machine was processing my payment for $120 worth of merchandise I asked for her number. Thinking about this now makes me fucking cringe as it must have been so awkward for this sober chick just trying to do her job. Looking up at me from the eftpos machine she says loudly “sorry I have a boyfriend”. Everyone around me looks at me as I grab my gears and sadly walk back to my seat embarrassed as hell.

Not letting this deter me I began sniffing around the stadium like a dog on heat with not much luck. At one point I started chatting to a girl who decided to tell me after I had brought her a beer that she had a bloody boyfriend who was finishing work to meet her there, fuck! Tinder time! As you can see by this tweet I did https://twitter.com/mullied/status/695808476920963072  I was on a massive swipe right/saying yes to anything in a bloody 5km radius, boom! Congratulations you have a match was the last thing I saw on my phone until it decides to go fucking flat, arhhhhhhhhh!!!

After the last game finished we ubered it back to our motel, stopping on the way to get some tequila and two dozen bourbon and cola RTD’s. We smashed them back in time to order another uber taxi into the Ponsonby clubs. Now if you haven’t been to Ponsonby clubs and think hey I might go there, FUCKING DON’T and here’s a Mulligan rant as to why. To get into this wank club called the Long room we waited half an hour in line only to be told by this complete yogi bear looking bastard that we need to make more of an effort dressing up next time but he would do us a favor and let us in this once, gee thanks! We go inside and this place is packed. I immediately make a bee line for the dance floor and begin doing my Mulligan shuffle. I look around and nobody seems interested, I start looking at the girls closer and a lot of them look like snobby bitches dancing in circles with their groups. Not being one to give up I try and dance into the groups only to be told to “get lost” what the fuck Ponsonby! Feeling sad I order some shots that cost way more than they should have. I eventually did find a 40 something year old to dance with that had a massive arse but just as things started getting physical, (I got told by my mates the next morning that I was dry humping this lady) I get grabbed by the arm by Yogi Bears fucking side kick Boo Boo telling me I was being too offensive and to please leave as I was too intoxicated. FUCK YOU PONSONBY!

I passed out at around 3.30 am after finishing our mini bar off which included wine, beers, and little beer fridge spirits. The next thing I remember is running to the toilet throwing up. It must have still been dark because my mate found me passed out lying by the toilet at 7. Spew and one of the bros poos still in the toilet. He wakes me up but not before taking a photo of the whole incident and sharing it on my Facebook. Well that was the weekend, no luck on the girl front but hey the footy was bloody excellent.12421459_10207554580854513_1356785412_n12714148_10207554581174521_1447356815_n

 

Another Weekend Another Tale

If you had told my 17 year old self that I would be shagging triple the amount of girls off of online dating apps instead of clubbing in town, I would have laughed in your face and told you that was flat out bloody creepy. Roll on ten years later and I only find myself going out once a week at the most with the dating app tinder using up the rest of my time. This last weekend I left town for a girl off of tinder.

I left Tauranga for Hamilton on Saturday, heading straight to my old local super liquor in Hamilton East, picking up a 12 pack of shots and a box of beers. I was staying at my mate Scotty’s place and within 5 minutes of being there we had already downed two beers and a shot. I knew we were in for a messy night when Scotty punched a hole in his wall, but instead of thinking ‘lets stay in tonight and watch the footy’ we decided to head to town.

It wasn’t long until every second club started denying us entry because of our intoxication levels. I decided to jump on tinder sitting outside a club trying to sober up a little. In my drunken state I did a mass swipe right, liking anything and anyone, it could have been a fucking goat with a profile and I would have liked it. It wasn’t long until I had some likes back with messages such as “Hi there, what’s your plans tonight”, these Hamilton girls don’t fuck about. I arranged to get picked up by an apparent nurse who was just finishing a 12 hour shift and needed some loving. I broke the news to my mate that he was on his own and I got picked up by this female stranger who I had only messaged a dozen times. We went back to her place which was on the outskirts of Hamilton, I couldn’t help thinking I was on my way to be murdered. After some good sexual chatter in the car we got to her place around half two and immediately got down to business. This wasn’t this 30 something year olds first rodeo, scratching the shit out of my back while telling me to “fuck me harder cowboy” (do I look like a cowboy?) she jumped on top and went hell for leather, I felt as if my willy was going to snap. Anyway it lasted a whooping 15 minutes, which is pretty good for me. After it was done she gave me a ride home to my mates, even going through the McDonalds drive through buying me a LARGE combo – fucking awesome!