CranKING 

INTERNATIONAL TATTOO EXPO: Wahooo I head off to it. The expo was held in New Plymouth, which is a 4 hour boring as fuckery drive through farmland. Sheep after sheep after fucking sheep, I started counting them which was a big mistake as I started to fall asleep. 
After a quick rest stop I injected a can of Red Bull into my system and off I went. I arrived in New Plymouth at around 4pm on Saturday. I found my backpackers with reasonable ease, even though New Plymouth has a fuck tonne of one way streets – which makes it bloody difficult to drive when ya stupid GPS tells you to turn down them! Fuck! 

I started drinking at my back packers almost immediately. I made friends with a German dude who couldn’t speak a lick of English. Funnily enough he knew the word penis and the phrase “let’s have a fuck”… Yes he was gay. No I didn’t sleep with him. 

After a few more beers I headed off to the tattoo expo. I arrived there and felt like a kid in a candy store, so many amazing artists creating amazing works of art. I took my time walking past each artists admiring their work. I saw Manu Vatuvei (famous Rugby League ) sussing out what to get. I told him “no point mucking around here mate, you need to get back on the park and work on catching a fucking ball”. He just looked at me and walked away hahahaha. 

I left the tattoo expo at 9pm and headed into town to a night spot called ‘Our Place’. Now during the day I had been on Tinder asking all these girls where they are drinking tonight and at least 4 of them said ‘Our Place’. Now me not knowing the New Plymouth scene I thought they meant they were drinking at their own fucking place… idiot. 

After doing the whole club thing for an hour or two I was in the mood to see some boobies…so off to the strippers I stumbled. Now here comes the funny part… when I got up to the strip club the place was fucking deserted, I saw one dude behind the bar swearing away to himself whilst holding his phone up to his ear. “Are you guys open?” I asked. He glanced over to me and said sadly “technically we are mate but the girls haven’t shown up for work.” What type of useless girls was he employing? Feeling sorry for him I bought a beer and had a chat admitting I was after a private lap dance with possible extras as this place operated as a brothel too. “Dam these girls” he said shaking his head “They have probably cost me at least 5 grand tonight with everyone I have turned away.” Now here comes the funny part, I told him I had already taken a Viagra and joked I would have to stumble back to the backpackers and rub one out. He stopped for a minute and said “Mate I can help you with that”. Startled I quickly said “oh no no I’m all good mate, I don’t swing that way”, to which he laughed and said “Nah mate neither, but I do have a TV in the private lap dance room and a porn I can put on for you”.

So yes, you guessed it, I jumped at the chance. With a roll of toilet paper in my hand and my pants around my feet ol’ Mully cranked one out in the private lap dance room to some classic Jenna Jameson Loves Brianna Banks early 2000’s porn. This was some bloody weird shit, It was as if I was at the semen clinic trying to rub one out. After about 10 minutes I popped my top, wiped myself off and bid the stripper owner goodnight. 

Well if having a crank in a strip club was on my bucket list its been fucking ticked off now!

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Tattooed Tips

My Guide to Tattoos

I only thought I was going to get one or two tattoos’ when I was younger. 10 years later I have one on my penis! For a first tattoo you want to start off small for the main reason being that you might not like the pain. For my first I got an Irish clover on my right arm. A tip for getting a tattoo DO NOT DRINK THE NIGHT BEFORE, I bled so much during my first tattoo and nearly passed out, it almost put me off getting another one. . almost.299

Always make sure you defiantly want what you are getting tattooed. I have the PlayStation symbols on my knuckles! Do I regret this? Shit yes! I play Xbox but I got convinced by the tattooist to get the PlayStation symbols. Which brings me to my next tip, don’t let your tattooist squash your idea – they are there to help and offer their opinion, not to completely knock your idea of what you want because at the end of the day it’s your skin not theirs.

223805_279911465451314_717625694_nIf you’re getting a quote or name make sure it is spelt correctly. My mate got a massive one on his chest saying ‘Live Fast Die Hard’, the tattooist for some reason tried to get all fancy with the V in live and it now looks like ‘Libe Fast Die Hard’, totally retarded.

Don’t get a fashion tattoo! Remember those tribal tattoo’s that where barely cool in the 90’s?? Well come 15 years later they are shite! They looked only acceptable on wrestling back then. Lately the new “in” tattoo is the feather with birds exploding out of it or something similar to the same effect, just don’t become a sheep get something that shows your individuality.

Last piece of advice is don’t be a tight arse with your money.tattoo-bad-vs-good A fifty dollar tattoo will get a fifty dollar job. Look around for a tattooist with a style that you like. Stalk their Facebook page if they have one and see if you like their designs. If you come to Tauranga look up Bray Revolver, he is by far the best tattooist I have seen in a long long time. His black and white pieces are amazing. If you’re in Hamilton, hit up Flax Roots tattoos, an artist called Ali Selliman is fantastic with cartoons and animals. He did my grenade on my hand and I love it.

Anyway there are a few tips on getting a tattoo if you are getting one show me on twitter @mullied I would love to see what you get!