Mullys Vasectomy

As I sit looking down at my still bruised balls I can’t help but think did I do the right thing getting a vasectomy at 28…Fuck yes I did!!! I have two girls to a former partner, and recently I got two fucking “I think I might be pregnant” scares from two different ladies, so freezing some juice and getting a vasectomy sounded like a bloody good idea to me!

After the initial consultation where the doctor asks the standard questions like why do you want this and have you though this through, he fucking described in detail how he does the surgery, step by step, snip by snip. That actually nearly made me back out of the whole thing, too much information!

D Day came around quick; I got my dad to drive me to the doctors. The only other time I think I have felt that nervous was right before the tattoo needle went into my penis. I got called into the doctor’s office; he gave me two Valium and put some numbing cream on my balls then back to the waiting room I go to wait for the surgeon to prep and let the Valium take effect.

While waiting, I got myself so worked up and nervous that I felt dizzy as then suddenly Bam! The Valium kicked in and I was happy as Larry. I was called in to surgery and was more than happy to take my pants off, I was in such a non-caring state I probably would’ve let him stick a cheeky finger up my bum and check my prostate, I couldn’t give two fucks, it was great. The surgeon asked me what music, music artist and album I liked to which I said hip hop, Eminem, Marshall Mathers LP. So there I was getting my balls shaved whilst Eminem’s Kill You played in the background, was I high or was this actually happening. Oh it was happening because as soon as the song Stan came on I remember a painful tugging going on down there and being the curious guy that I am, I had to look. As I looked down I saw that the surgeon has pulled out a massive fucking tube thing and was chopping a chunk off it and it fucking hurt! Yeah so he had numbed my balls skin but this fucker hadn’t given me a local injection or anything. “This shouldn’t hurt” he said looking at me a little concerned “well fuck me it does mate!” I replied in pain. I later find out it really CAN hurt depending on a lot of different things. Thinking he was done I let out a sign of relief “Ok and now for the other side” he said “fuck me i thought we were bloody home and hosed” I replied. Thank my lucky stars the other side didn’t hurt at all and just felt like a little pulling sensation. After he was finished he left the room and let me get changed by myself. I lay there for a moment naked feeling like a cheap date that had been told to clean up and get out. I looked down at my poor nuts; the left side was already dark purple.

The next few days after having this done was difficult, every step hurt, sleeping hurt, sitting hurt, not masturbating hurt and sucked. After about a week my balls were swollen… not because of the surgery but because I couldn’t have a bloody crank! Well the first time I did it HURT!! With a mixture of blood and cream shooting out. I immediately ring the doctor and luckily that is normal. You will be pleased to know that last weekend I put it to the ultimate test and I can safely say Mulligan’s back on the horse!

Dateless Mully Goes to Hospital

Words can’t describe how beautiful you are…

But numbers can.

2/10

I thought I would start my latest blog with a laugh because these last few weeks have been anything but funny. So this blog is called ‘Dateless Mully Goes to Hospital’ Now, before I start on the hospital visit I thought I would bring up the struggle I am enduring to get a date these days. Imagine having a bad experience at a supermarket, research says you will tell at least nine people about your bad shopping experience. Now change the supermarket to me, and the shopping to shagging, and you can put together what has been happening to me. I start chatting to girls, it seems to be going well but then one way or another they find out who I am. “The guy who blogs about his dates” that sentence with the name Mulligan added to it seems to have made its rounds throughout Tauranga’s dating scene as once I start chatting to someone off Tinder or NZ dating they usually fucking click it’s me. 13152856_10208258261566091_1574999957_n

So what’s next? Hmmmm well maybe I need to tell them I blog about my dates right from the start, it sure would save a lot of time fucking around with the whole ‘what type of music do you like” generic questions that get asked constantly. Would telling them that make the date less authentic? Time will tell I guess.

Now time to tell you how I ended up taking my poor bum into hospital went down, but first a warning if you haven’t had dinner yet this might put you off. All righty so after a long week of painting it was time to put down the brush and rip the top off a cold beer. Well on this occasion one beer led to two, two beers led to a box, a box led to town, that led to the strippers, the strippers led to the brothel and then the brothel led to bed. The next morning, I woke with a pounding headache and a sore arse. I quickly started to piece my night together making sure nothing had been inserted up there at the strippers or brothel, nope. I sat on the toilet which naturally spreads ya cheeks a little, I put my finger up and I find a fucking lump! “What the fuck is that” I scream instantly thinking my body has manufactured a new STD which would soon be called Lump Mulligan. In a panic I jump on google to try and self-diagnose myself. BAD IDEA google comes up with CANCER CANCER CANCER – go to your nearest hospital. Now I’m thinking fucking hell I’m going to die with this newly formed cancer lump in my butt.

I keep searching and searching for other theories of what it could be and that’s when I found it, a really good article on boils around the anus that are formed by dramatic sweat. I have now convinced myself it’s a boil and begin to watch YouTube videos on how to pop it (why are these videos so satisfying). I grab my flat mates knitting needle, chuck it in hot water and now surgeon Mulligan is about to operate on his lump in his bum hole. I pierce the lump with the needle three or four times but no pus comes out as promised by that fucking article, no no no. What comes out is blood, fucking loads of it. I ring my mum and tell her what I’ve done as this blood hasn’t stopped coming out and it’s been half an hour. She picks me up in my tissue made nappy and off to the hospital we go. I get rushed straight in as by the time we got there my tissue nappy was fully soaked in blood. The Doctor examines me and immediately lets me know what it is, “it’s a vein that has protruded out into the anus, more commonly known as hemorrhoids” oh fuck sakes so that lump I had self-diagnosed as a boil turns out to be a vein and I stabbed the shite out of it. I got prepped for rubber band ligation surgery which is where they put a rubber band around the vein to shrink it and cause the bleeding to stop. Well the surgery went smoothly and I was discharged the next day but not before a stern telling off from the doctor. “Next time see a medical practitioner instead of diagnosing yourself, this could have all been fixed with a script of steroid cream.”

Well that’s it for me, I shall continue looking for a date and staying off Google, even if I have just a cough it’s straight to the bloody doctors!