2017 Year Of The Backpacker

Apologies in advance if there are a lot of spelling errors, my proof reading is being a useless shit and gone on holiday. So this is an unfiltered, unedited blog, enjoy!

If there was a book for single female tourists coming to New Zealand after this summer I feel like there should be a section on me. Right next to the night life activities there should be a photo of my tattooed penis. The amount of backpackers I’ve wined, dined and obviously shagged is bloody staggering. The main culprits are the German backpackers, aside from Asian tourists I would say Germans tourists come to New Zealand in their droves. But why? are they big Lord Of The Rings/Hobbit fan boys? Well unfortunately I don’t have the bloody answer because they can’t speak sweet fuck all English. But I guess they don’t make me wear a Gollum mask or tell me to “fuck me hobbit man” so I guess we can rule the fan boy theory possibly.

Come to think of it I should actually start my own tour guide business as the amount of times I have taken backpackers on hikes up Mount Maunganui is fucking staggering. I have to pretend I actually enjoy it too, like “wow such a nice view, I haven’t been up here in ages’ total bullshit.

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This last week I had been chatting up this chick from the Czech Republic. To make me one step a head of all the other horny Kiwi dudes on tinder I actually study the country and learn a few simple words. A bit of bloody research before meeting a European beauty can go along way. I do this to all the foreign hotties I meet and they fucking love it! It’s almost a sign of respect in their eyes that someone has taken the time to actually show an interest in where they come from and doesn’t just wanna get in their pants. Just such a gentleman is I ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜œ

Now this Czech girl oh my god what a stunner and was as honest as the day is long (most European are to be honest) After we played the age old tradition of hide the sausage, she rolled off me and before I could pretend and say “wow that was great” she said “well that was pretty average!” Bloody hell I thought, I was kinda thinking that but dam I would never say it. But don’t worry we ended up doing it again and I got her moaning saying she loves it whilst I spelt the alphabet out with my tongue on her vag. Good Times Good Times!

BTW if you don’t already chuck us a like on Facebook, trying to get that off the ground again and also instagram. Chur

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Summer Lovin

Itโ€™s a new year and I have made a new years resolution, I am going to be celibate for the rest of 2015โ€ฆ.jokes. Give me a piece of string and Iโ€™ll find a way to fuck it. What a crazy crazy New Years it was, one of my mates suffered a minor stroke, I found myself smack dab in the middle of two camp sites trying to kill each and got laid at least a dozen times. I guess I will have to chop this blog up into a few parts as every night as been great.

Well my holiday started off pretty tame. Had Christmas and Boxing Day with the family which consisted of beer, whiskey and BBQ food. Then I picked up my mate who was back from Scotland for the holidays and off we went to the beautiful Blue Lake just outside of Rotorua. We stayed at the camp ground there in a pretty sweet looking tent. After we got our camp site sorted we started walking around the camp trying to find out where all the girls were. To my dismay there were mostly all just bloody families here this year with their annoying little kids running rampant everywhere. By the third lap of the camp we found a couple of tents that had girls in, but we weren’t sure if they had boyfriends so in my mind I marked those tents down to revisit later on. We got some ice from the store and began to drink in our tent.

It wasn’t long before we started getting louder and louder. We decided to go for a wonder to find those girls we saw earlier. To our surprise they were drinking AND they had no boyfriends!!! We started chatting to them and they invited us to join them, they were all tourists. Two of the 5 were from England, one was from Ireland and the other two were from Russia. The one I had my eyes set on was the one from Ireland. She had a thick Irish accent that could make any kiwi boy fall for her after one sentence. Her hair was dark brown which suited her perfectly as her eyes were green like spring grass. She was a legit 10/10 stunner. We all continued to talk, my mate was getting along really well with the English girls and I was getting on good with the Irish beauty. The other two Russians could barely speak a word of English but they were trying their best to fit in. I went off to get more beers, by this stage it was about one o’clock in the morning. The Irish hottie decided to come back for a walk to my tent. When we got to the tent she said “why don’t we start our own party here?” Before I could say “fuck yeah” she took her top off to show her set of amazing tits off. We kissed and hugged for a while, I met no resistance as I pulled off her undies. We started having sex and it was LOUD, it was fantastic. We never went back to the party, the next morning as we got out of the tent I heard a young boy ask his dad “was that the tent all those animal noises were coming from” me and the girl were instantly embarrassed but to my surprise his dad said “yes son, that guy is a lucky, lucky man” what a good dude!

The next two days went by too fast at the Blue Lake, me and the Irish girl were inseparable doing everything together like kayaking, swimming and of course shagging. My mate Teeps didn’t let the team down either by scoring one of the English girls. On the last day it was the hardest thing saying goodbye, promising to stay in touch we left the Blue Lake with two huge smiles on our face and some great memories. Now it was onto the New Yearโ€™s festivities in Gisbourne at the Rhythm and Vines concert spectacular!