2017 Year Of The Backpacker

Apologies in advance if there are a lot of spelling errors, my proof reading is being a useless shit and gone on holiday. So this is an unfiltered, unedited blog, enjoy!

If there was a book for single female tourists coming to New Zealand after this summer I feel like there should be a section on me. Right next to the night life activities there should be a photo of my tattooed penis. The amount of backpackers I’ve wined, dined and obviously shagged is bloody staggering. The main culprits are the German backpackers, aside from Asian tourists I would say Germans tourists come to New Zealand in their droves. But why? are they big Lord Of The Rings/Hobbit fan boys? Well unfortunately I don’t have the bloody answer because they can’t speak sweet fuck all English. But I guess they don’t make me wear a Gollum mask or tell me to “fuck me hobbit man” so I guess we can rule the fan boy theory possibly.

Come to think of it I should actually start my own tour guide business as the amount of times I have taken backpackers on hikes up Mount Maunganui is fucking staggering. I have to pretend I actually enjoy it too, like “wow such a nice view, I haven’t been up here in ages’ total bullshit.

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This last week I had been chatting up this chick from the Czech Republic. To make me one step a head of all the other horny Kiwi dudes on tinder I actually study the country and learn a few simple words. A bit of bloody research before meeting a European beauty can go along way. I do this to all the foreign hotties I meet and they fucking love it! It’s almost a sign of respect in their eyes that someone has taken the time to actually show an interest in where they come from and doesn’t just wanna get in their pants. Just such a gentleman is I ūüėČūüėČūüėČūüėú

Now this Czech girl oh my god what a stunner and was as honest as the day is long (most European are to be honest) After we played the age old tradition of hide the sausage, she rolled off me and before I could pretend and say “wow that was great” she said “well that was pretty average!” Bloody hell I thought, I was kinda thinking that but dam I would never say it. But don’t worry we ended up doing it again and I got her moaning saying she loves it whilst I spelt the alphabet out with my tongue on her vag. Good Times Good Times!

BTW if you don’t already chuck us a like on Facebook, trying to get that off the ground again and also instagram. Chur

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yearoftheb

 

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The Filthiest Bits Of 2016

Merry Christmas and a happy new year!! here is some of the most terrible, most shocking most filthiest bits that made up my 2016. If you enjoy this I might even recap 2015 and 2014… let me know….. Enjoy!!!

31.01.2016 Brothel Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/01/31/brothel-date-recap/

As I got out of the shower I strolled out to find her sprawled out on the bed, she put a condom on me then told me which positions she would do – which was fucking limited “you on top, me on top” she informed me, not even doggy style!?!

I decided to go on top, which started off ok until she decided to make fake moaning noises. So bad that even a low¬†budget porn director would tell her to fucking stop! Now add in some terrible and I mean TERRIBLE dirty talk, shit like “oh you’re a big boy” and “wow this is so good” and now you have the worst 30 minutes of my life. It was so bad that I even fake came just to get this shit over and done with. As I pulled my penis out I gave it a quick sniff and it smelt like 3 day old KFC that had been left in a hot car.

18.02.2016 My Gypsy Valentines Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/02/18/my-gypsy-valentines-date-recap/

She told me to clear my schedule because she was¬†going to cum, I bloody hope so! She brought a candle over and poured the hot wax on me, which kinda fucking hurt but at the same time turned me on so much. She then made me pour it on her…bad idea. She had a wee bit of fluff down there and instead of pouring it on her stomach I accidently poured it on the top of her vagina “ahhhhhhhhhhh” she screamed, that was the end of the candle foreplay.

27.02.2016 Blonde Canadian Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/02/27/blonde-canadian-date-recap/

As¬†I walk into the bathroom she is waiting/pretending to check her makeup just in case I was someone else, we go into the toilet locking the door. We kiss for a bit then she sits on the loo and begins to give me a Canadian blow job minus the maple syrup. During the bj I look down and notice the entire floor¬† we are standing on is covered in¬†piss which my jeans that were around my feet¬†are soaking up, fuck sake. Too busy to do anything about it I continue to enjoy the oral I was receiving,. She finishes sucking on my Bonita banana and¬†takes her undies off, she then bends over putting her hands on the¬†dirty toilet and tells me to put it in, you don’t have to tell me twice.

I start thrusting back and forth, my feet splashing about in the urine puddle and then it happens, we both hear the door to the bathroom open. We both freeze as we hear footsteps sounding as if they were¬†coming right for us, shit we are getting kicked out I thought.¬†Luckily it wasn’t¬†one of the staff coming to see what the hell we were doing¬†it was just some female going into the toilet next to us. We continue to fuck as quietly as we can, we hear her pee stream begin, thinking that she is just peeing we shag on .Then the unthinkable happens¬†–¬†I hear a fart and then splash, SHES DOING A FUCKING POO!!!!! The Canadian doesn’t even give a fuck. She looks back at me as I’m standing there grossed out, “keep going” she whispers. Another fucking splash, but we keep going.Then the fucking stench begins to wofffle over, fuck sake. I pull my shirt over my nose as¬†I try hard to cum so I can bail out of here, but my pre date wank is making it difficult. Another loud fart and a huge¬†splash ensues, come on mully I think to myself we have to get the fuck out of here as the stench grows stronger. I finally cum¬†as the lady beside us is grabbing for the toilet paper to wipe her arse after the massacre she has left in the toilet.

22.03.2016 Vajazzled: The St Paddies Day Blog

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/03/22/vajazzled-the-st-paddies-date-blog/

We somehow got on the subject of vagazzle which if you chuck that odd sounding slang word into google (which I should of done) it comes up with this – ‘adorn the pubic area (of a woman) with crystals, glitter, or other decoration’.

We head back to the backpackers and start the foreplay, I go down on her and in my drunken state I’m like a dog licking up water on a hot day, my tongue going fucking everywhere. I end up having a mouthful of vajazzle beads which for the next day and a bit I’m still finding them wedged between my teeth.

08.04.2016 Dominatrix Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/04/08/dominatrix-date-recap/

She served me up a drink in a metal cup and forced me to drink it. It tasted strong¬†like a¬†mix between jagermeister, absinthe and pineapple juice, what ever it was made me feel pretty numb. After polishing off the cup she snatched it off me “break times over, now get on all fours on the bed” she said pointing to the bed. So here I was balls dangling freely, hairy arse open for the world to see. After about 5 minutes she comes back in but she’s not alone –¬†she has a big BLACK STRAP ON connected to her costume.

“OH FUCK THAT” I said breaking character

“Silence! This is happening, slowly but surely you are getting this” she said.

I started thinking what the fuck am I doing, what the fuck am I doing?! I feel a cold sensation on my bum; I turn around and she is bathing me in anus relaxant lube!

23.05.2016 Mully Dates International Ed ‚Äď Sydney¬†Pt.1

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/05/23/mully-dates-international-ed-sydney-pt-1/

We end up having sex and the sheep shagger comment is still annoying me, so I flipped her around in doggy style and showed her what a sheep shagger could do with a tablet of viagra in him. She fucking loved it, so without thinking I grabbed her tits and whispered in her ear “I drive a holden” she started thrashing about “you bastard!”.

27.05.2016 Mully Dates International Ed ‚Äď Sydney¬†Pt.2

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/05/27/mully-dates-international-ed-sydney-pt-2/

Things go down hill pretty fast though as the larger friend of her group decides to pull her away from me and tells her its time to call it a night. Everyone else in the group seemed to be having a great time but fucking chunkimus prime decided to shut the fucking fun down and go home.

23.06.2016 Pokémon Go Date

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/07/23/pokemon-go-date/

Well it’s safe to say she rode me like Horsea, her Jigglypuffs looked amazing. As she played with my Pokeballs I could feel myself about to Squirlte but managed not to. It wasn’t long though until I learned ‘Water Gun’ and splashed it everywhere. As I left her place I thanked her for giving me a Cubone but told her she was just another Magicarp…I was looking for a Gyarados!

28.08.2016 From Crab Tree to Vag Pee

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/08/28/from-crab-tree-to-vag-pee/

So he starts going to town eating this girl as if she was a 2am bloody kebab, she begins to get wetter and wetter and louder and louder. All of a sudden she lets out a huge moan and boom she cums/pees right down his throat. I awake from my coma to the sound of Darren yakking his guts up, I wander into the toilet and see him fast down in the bowl, “you alright D man?” I ask, no reply, I then wander into her room and I can smell urine. “What happened to Darren?” I ask the girl. “I was cumming” she said in a sad voice “but my bladder was full and I ended up peeing.” EWW WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

26.09.2016 Ex Girlfriends Sister Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/09/26/ex-girlfriends-sister-date-recap/

We started shotting a tray of tequila shots, which after the fourth one made me vomit in my mouth a little. I kept giving her shit saying “your sister is way wilder” and then she looked me in the eye with a naughty grin “I bet she never did this.” She then went under the table we were sitting at and started undoing my pants. My eyes started darting around the room to see if anyone in the packed bar was watching, luckily no one was.

08.10.2016 Mully vs. Australian Rugby Girls

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/10/08/mully-vs-australian-rugby-girls/

Once we got back to their room, they threw me onto the bed and begun getting unchanged. What happened next was a fucked up mixture between sex and a game of footy.

04.12.2016 CranKING

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/12/04/cranking/

So yes, you guessed it, I jumped at the chance. With a roll of toilet paper in my hand and my pants around my feet ol’ Mully cranked one out in the private lap dance room to some classic Jenna Jameson Loves Brianna Banks early 2000’s porn. This was some bloody weird shit, It was as if I was at the semen clinic trying to rub one out. After about 10 minutes I popped my top, wiped myself off and bid the stripper owner goodnight.

Summer Lovin

It’s a new year and I have made a new years resolution, I am going to be celibate for the rest of 2015….jokes. Give me a piece of string and I’ll find a way to fuck it. What a crazy crazy New Years it was, one of my mates suffered a minor stroke, I found myself smack dab in the middle of two camp sites trying to kill each and got laid at least a dozen times. I guess I will have to chop this blog up into a few parts as every night as been great.

Well my holiday started off pretty tame. Had Christmas and Boxing Day with the family which consisted of beer, whiskey and BBQ food. Then I picked up my mate who was back from Scotland for the holidays and off we went to the beautiful Blue Lake just outside of Rotorua. We stayed at the camp ground there in a pretty sweet looking tent. After we got our camp site sorted we started walking around the camp trying to find out where all the girls were. To my dismay there were mostly all just bloody families here this year with their annoying little kids running rampant everywhere. By the third lap of the camp we found a couple of tents that had girls in, but we weren’t sure if they had boyfriends so in my mind I marked those tents down to revisit later on. We got some ice from the store and began to drink in our tent.

It wasn’t long before we started getting louder and louder. We decided to go for a wonder to find those girls we saw earlier. To our surprise they were drinking AND they had no boyfriends!!! We started chatting to them and they invited us to join them, they were all tourists. Two of the 5 were from England, one was from Ireland and the other two were from Russia. The one I had my eyes set on was the one from Ireland. She had a thick Irish accent that could make any kiwi boy fall for her after one sentence. Her hair was dark brown which suited her perfectly as her eyes were green like spring grass. She was a legit 10/10 stunner. We all continued to talk, my mate was getting along really well with the English girls and I was getting on good with the Irish beauty. The other two Russians could barely speak a word of English but they were trying their best to fit in. I went off to get more beers, by this stage it was about one o’clock in the morning. The Irish hottie decided to come back for a walk to my tent. When we got to the tent she said “why don’t we start our own party here?” Before I could say “fuck yeah” she took her top off to show her set of amazing tits off. We kissed and hugged for a while, I met no resistance as I pulled off her undies. We started having sex and it was LOUD, it was fantastic. We never went back to the party, the next morning as we got out of the tent I heard a young boy ask his dad “was that the tent all those animal noises were coming from” me and the girl were instantly embarrassed but to my surprise his dad said “yes son, that guy is a lucky, lucky man” what a good dude!

The next two days went by too fast at the Blue Lake, me and the Irish girl were inseparable doing everything together like kayaking, swimming and of course shagging. My mate Teeps didn’t let the team down either by scoring one of the English girls. On the last day it was the hardest thing saying goodbye, promising to stay in touch we left the Blue Lake with two huge smiles on our face and some great memories. Now it was onto the New Year‚Äôs festivities in Gisbourne at the Rhythm and Vines concert spectacular!