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One Night In Amsterdam

“thank you everyone for an awesome trip” that was my tour manager saying his final speech to us. It suddenly sunk in that I properly wouldn’t see a lot of these people ever again. While to be honest I am/was pretty happy to see the back of a number of these people there were a number that I got on with so well. Now lets back track and start at the beginning…

“European Discovery over to Matt” shouted one of the hot contiki staff. As i walked over my aniexty took over, I felt like saying fuck this trip i’m off home. But I walked my arse to the assembly area. I began scouting the talent for my trip, “hmmmm” i began to think “there is definitely a few options to pursue here.”

The contiki trip started, I made friends pretty easy, linking up with Kiwi’s one city over from where I live and also a tattooed canadian dude whom I clicked with instantly. First night was Amsterdam, all I can say bout Amsterdam is ‘fuck me I’m moving to Amsterdam’. How good is that?! Coffee shops with weed, strong weed, chillax weed, weed lolliops, weed brownies, weed ice cream and weed lubricant if ya little fella is missing out!

Now knowing me weed isn’t obviously the number one thing Amsterdam does well imo insert creepy smirking emoji here. The Red Light District! wow just WOW. Walking down the street in the district I began to notice that these beautiful women in the windows were sexy as fuck. My pre misconception was that they would be hideous. Well I’m here to tell you they were lush dot bloody com! One of the american dudes on our trip went into one and two minutes later he was done.. talk about a bloody quickie!

Now my favourite part on my night in Amsterdam was the live sex show! A group of us paid sixty euros each and that got us into this old dingy theatre. On the stage wasn’t a fucking Phantom of the Opera play no no no it was a new play called Dick in Vagina!!!!! The first act was a couple shagging on a rotating bed. starting off like a porno with foreplay and then finishing with ol mate giving her the jackhammer. We then enjoyed several other acts that included a lesbian act, another couple and then the infamous banana act🍌

Ok so what happened here was the girl picks three dudes from the audience. I couldn’t put my hand up any bloody higher but alas they pick three other lucky fuckers. So once on stage, the said girl chucks the banana slightly inside her and then peels the banana. The first guy got the first bite, he got up looking happy. The next guy got the next bite looking even more happy. Then came the third guy, there wasn’t much banana left so he had to go right in there. Once he manage to get a bit of the banana the girl whipped her legs around him and pushed his head into her vagina. Ol mate got up with both hands in the air and yelled “i’m the king of the world” yes you are you lucky bugger.

Well that was my first night in europe and lets just say I get up to a helluva lot of more mischief. More blogs to come!

CranKING 

INTERNATIONAL TATTOO EXPO: Wahooo I head off to it. The expo was held in New Plymouth, which is a 4 hour boring as fuckery drive through farmland. Sheep after sheep after fucking sheep, I started counting them which was a big mistake as I started to fall asleep. 
After a quick rest stop I injected a can of Red Bull into my system and off I went. I arrived in New Plymouth at around 4pm on Saturday. I found my backpackers with reasonable ease, even though New Plymouth has a fuck tonne of one way streets – which makes it bloody difficult to drive when ya stupid GPS tells you to turn down them! Fuck! 

I started drinking at my back packers almost immediately. I made friends with a German dude who couldn’t speak a lick of English. Funnily enough he knew the word penis and the phrase “let’s have a fuck”… Yes he was gay. No I didn’t sleep with him. 

After a few more beers I headed off to the tattoo expo. I arrived there and felt like a kid in a candy store, so many amazing artists creating amazing works of art. I took my time walking past each artists admiring their work. I saw Manu Vatuvei (famous Rugby League ) sussing out what to get. I told him “no point mucking around here mate, you need to get back on the park and work on catching a fucking ball”. He just looked at me and walked away hahahaha. 

I left the tattoo expo at 9pm and headed into town to a night spot called ‘Our Place’. Now during the day I had been on Tinder asking all these girls where they are drinking tonight and at least 4 of them said ‘Our Place’. Now me not knowing the New Plymouth scene I thought they meant they were drinking at their own fucking place… idiot. 

After doing the whole club thing for an hour or two I was in the mood to see some boobies…so off to the strippers I stumbled. Now here comes the funny part… when I got up to the strip club the place was fucking deserted, I saw one dude behind the bar swearing away to himself whilst holding his phone up to his ear. “Are you guys open?” I asked. He glanced over to me and said sadly “technically we are mate but the girls haven’t shown up for work.” What type of useless girls was he employing? Feeling sorry for him I bought a beer and had a chat admitting I was after a private lap dance with possible extras as this place operated as a brothel too. “Dam these girls” he said shaking his head “They have probably cost me at least 5 grand tonight with everyone I have turned away.” Now here comes the funny part, I told him I had already taken a Viagra and joked I would have to stumble back to the backpackers and rub one out. He stopped for a minute and said “Mate I can help you with that”. Startled I quickly said “oh no no I’m all good mate, I don’t swing that way”, to which he laughed and said “Nah mate neither, but I do have a TV in the private lap dance room and a porn I can put on for you”.

So yes, you guessed it, I jumped at the chance. With a roll of toilet paper in my hand and my pants around my feet ol’ Mully cranked one out in the private lap dance room to some classic Jenna Jameson Loves Brianna Banks early 2000’s porn. This was some bloody weird shit, It was as if I was at the semen clinic trying to rub one out. After about 10 minutes I popped my top, wiped myself off and bid the stripper owner goodnight. 

Well if having a crank in a strip club was on my bucket list its been fucking ticked off now!

Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.2

The next day was just a day out with my flatmate whom I had promised I would spend a day with to do all the touristy bullshit. To say this day didn’t drag would be a fucking understatement, it started off fun with Madame Tausauds wax museum, but then went to some bloody lizard wildlife crap. As we began queuing to get in about half a fucking school of little 9-10 year old Australian kids did too. Now picture the most annoying fucking accent and add pre puberty squeakiness to that then add fucking volume, you get the worst thing on fucking earth. As we walked around looking at these stupid fucking lizards that just lay there doing sweet fuck all, these kids were going nuts. Running into everyone and screaming like fuck. I almost chucked a couple of them into the snake enclosure, might’ve been the most excitement those poor snakes have had all year.   
After the day of doom it was time to get ready to go the the Golden Mile – Kings Cross! Now if you haven’t heard about Kings Cross, its like the red light district of Sydney. Bars, brothels, night clubs and my personal favourite strip clubs are all on offer in this delightful place, its like Disneyland for me. I started bar crawling jumping from bar to bar to find a cool atmosphere and cheapish drinks. I finally settled on one called Kings Cross Motel, the staff were so nice and the place was pumping with hot chicks. I started chatting to a group of girls by buying them a round of drinks which worked a treat and thats all it took. The next thing I know I’m on the dance floor kissing the face off this pretty ok looking ozzy. Things go down hill pretty fast though as the larger friend of her group decides to pull her away from me and tells her its time to call it a night. Everyone else in the group seemed to be having a great time but fucking chunkimus prime decided to shut the fucking fun down and go home. So I was all on my lonesome again, should I call it a night too I thought? Fuck no!!  

It was time to head to the strippers so I stroll down the street browsing which one I should go into and settle on Bada Bing nightspot. The girls are stunning and very welcoming. I immediately get given a free wee lap dance by probably the ugliest one there, to be honest I couldn’t wait for her to finish; she obviously was on the hustle as she must have seen me get one hundred dollars worth of stripper bucks out. She did a handstand putting her vagina right in my face, now usually this would be a guys dream mine but this fucking chick stunk like smoked bloody fish. I could smell it before she did the handstand move but when she did the handstand I almost threw up into her fucking vag. Luckily she couldn’t hold that position for long as I was trying so hard not to gag. Apart from that the rest of the night spent at the strip club was great! One of the dancers was a kiwi and gave me a sweet discount on a private dildo show and even let me stick the big black one in, wahoo! I ended up ubering it back to the motel at around 2am, luckily the nice manager at the strip club charged my phone for me as it was dead. 

Well that was it from my Sydney adventure, onwards to Perth. Lets see what the dating scene is like there!

Jelly Wrestling Jail Time

As I stared blankly at this poorly painted wall I looked down at my skinned knuckles wishing I had my phone on me. “I need to remember what happened tonight” I thought. I hadn’t lost my phone or anything; in fact it was in arguably very safe hands, I just couldn’t get to it. I started to look around at my surroundings. One ginger haired guy was asleep next to me and about two metres away another guy was pacing back and fourth like an idiot. Talking to himself emphasising the F words to sound real bad ass. No, I wasn’t at some dodgy Hamilton night spot I was in the Wellington Cells/Jail.

I flew down to Wellington last week for a work conference thing and liking it down there so much I decided to stay another night at the motel. It was O week last week which is a week-long celebration and orientation to welcome university students and help to familiarise themselves with the local surroundings, which has evolved into the night clubs being open every night of the week with different themes each night. After pre loading on drinks at my motel I stumbled into town. I met one of my friends who works in Wellington at Courtenay Place, where the majority of the clubs were going off. Every place was packed with university students and everyone was having a great time. Shots of blue looking liqueur were only $2 at one of the clubs, so I happily exchanged my crisp $20 note for 10 and downed every one of them. By this time my drunken confidence was at an all time high and saw that the club I was in was having a jelly wrestling tournament. I chucked my name down and waited for my turn. The event was in the middle of the club which consisted of an oversized kids paddling pool filled with lubrication gel. The rules were simple; two people got into the paddling pool and the winner is either the one left standing or the one that lands on top of the opponent. “Heat 8 Sean and Connor come on down” the dj called out. I was pitted against this person that looked liked a fucking carrot. He had the brightest, most ginger hair I had ever seen and he was muscly as! “Fuck i’m going to lose” I thought to myself. As we squared off he began hurling some verbal abuse at me, looking around I saw all of his gym boyfriends egging him on. Suddenly he slapped me really hard in the face. The ref was some hot girl who was pretty much there for decoration, she told him no slapping. Not one to be out done I wound my right arm up and slapped the shit out of him which made him slip and stumble over. I had won but it wasn’t over, he tackled me and began laying in punches yelling at me that I had punched him (it was a slap!) I fought back a bit until it was broken up. My knuckles were bleeding which still confuses me as to how that happened. As all of this was unfolding two police officers were doing a walk through the club and witnessed the incident. Grabbing us both they took us outside into an awaiting paddy wagon to a chorus of boos from all the other party goers. We both were still topless and drenched in lube FML.

When we got to the police station the police officers couldn’t stop cracking jokes at us about how silly two topless guys covered in lube looked. In hinds sight we must have but these young cops were acting like massive douches. We both got warnings and had to stay in the cells for awhile which turned out to be three hours. I asked Connor why he started a fight and he thought I had punched him. I told him I had just slapped him back, he apologised, I accepted and we were all good.

We got out of there at about 3am, we got our phones back and got given t-shirts out of the lost property to wear. Connors friends had gone home to Lower Hutt, I suggested we go to the strip club and he happily agreed. We stayed there until 5am, then I stumbled back to my motel alone. If it wasn’t for spending time in the cells that night was shaping up to be awesome, oh well there is always next time!

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Road Trip Night Three Auckland

BOOM!!! No STD/STI! I’m clean. Got that great news back on Tuesday which is such a relief. All the nervous scratching down there and constant thought of “am I clean?” can finally be put to rest. If I had to make a survival kit for having a one night stand, especially with someone off tinder, it would definitely consist of a box of condoms and possibly pepper spray if that chick be crazy. (Remember hitting woman isn’t cool, but if they hitting you I bet you wish you had listened to me about buying some pepper spray!) Anyway, here is Round 3 – the final round of my weekend road trip, Auckland here I come! ;);P

I awake at my mates place in Mount Maunganui attempting to piece together what happened last night. Luckily these days I take notes and videos while I’m drunk so I can write the most accurate account of what happened, such a geek aye! At this stage its lunchtime, so it’s time to make my way up to Auckland. Still hung over I smash back a Blue powerade sports drink that usually seems to make things slightly better. I pick up my two mates from Hamilton on the way. They have already started making their way through their first box when I pick them up. My Auckland mate Azza lives in Mt Roskill in this lush two story house. As soon as we get there we are greeted by Azza with a warm smile and cold beer. We start drinking, drinking and more drinking. Soon the afternoon becomes evening and evening becomes night. The rugby league has just finished so we decide to start getting ready to hit town. I get into my routine which seems to come so naturally when I’m drunk. Hot cloth, cold cloth, face moisturizer. Hair wax, deodorant, cologne and then town clothes. Such an effort to look good! We get into town at about midnight. We spent a good hour down the viaduct which was so costly. We met these Canadian girls who suggested we follow them to Globe night club, Jesus I would follow these blonde bombshells anywhere! We headed to Globe night club which was awesome. We danced and danced with these Canadian girls even though they told us they had boyfriends. They asked what I did for a job so I pulled the “I am a tattooist” card which they thought was awesome, obviously. They told me their friend would probably like me and we should go meet her, I asked where and they said Show Girls the strip club.

“Please welcome to the stage the saucy sultry siren!!” booms the DJ and out comes the sexiest blonde girl I have seen in ages. She has a banging body and works the pole as if it was a part of her. After her routine is finished she comes over and hugs her friends. “Who are these guys?” she asks in her Canadian accent. They introduce us and quickly announce that I’m a tattooist. That’s all it took, she is suddenly all over me asking me questions, showing me her tattoos and flirting. I ordered a private lap dance off her, which cost me 150 bucks. Stuff started to get hot and heavy in the private rooms. She immediately got naked putting her legs over my head letting me lick her vag which she seemed to enjoy a lot. We started hooking up and she gave me a hand job. I asked when she finished and she said 4, me being forth coming I asked if she wanted to come back to my mates place but she said no! She had a better idea, she told me to go back to her place with her friends, sweet! She told her friends what was happening so I bid farewell to my mates and went back to her friends place.

These girls have the nicest apartment right in the city, as I waited for the stripper to finish work one of her friends went to bed but the other one stayed up with me. I knew she had a boyfriend (or so she said) so I didn’t wanna flirt with her, plus I was waiting for her mate. She came and sat right next to me, and then started snuggling into me. The next thing I knew we were kissing and off to her bedroom I went. We had sex for about half an hour which was pretty great, probably greater because her mate was coming home soon. After we had finished I quickly got changed and waited on the couch for round 2. The stripper finally came home and it was all on again. She brought some toys home from her job, looking back on it I bloody hope they were sanitized! She tied me to her bed post and began whipping me which fucking hurt and started to make me bleed on my stomach; I played along with this weird shit until it really started to hurt. She wanted me to do her now. By this stage I was pissed off with how sore she had whipped me, so I gladly grabbed that whip and whipped the shit out of her. To my surprise she fucking loved it! After this weird foreplay we finally had sex which was great and went to sleep. I got a taxi in the morning back to Azza’s, I told the boys what went down and it was as if I had won lotto there were high fives all around – typical lad shit.

That brings the curtain on my big weekend road trip, thanks for reading I think I am gonna have this week off the booze so I can let my poor liver recover!

Strippers and Viagra

When I was in living in Hamilton me and Toko – one of the rugby boys, decided to go to Firecats. Toko had been sleeping with one of the girls who worked there so he waved his girl over, we all started talking. Suddenly the lights went out and the DJ announced to the horny punters that the American bombshell Rebecca was about to take the stage. The sound of Britney Spears ‘Toxic’ fills my ear drums and I am immediately fixated on one of the hottest girls I had seen in ages. Her sparkling golden hair fluttered around and she had blue eyes as deep as the sea, she looked amazing. After she was finished her set she came over to say hi. I immediately started chatting her up; I noticed she had tattoos so I pretended I was a tattooist again which always seems like a sure fire way to pull girls. We really hit it off and for the rest of her shift she just talked to me. Toko’s stripper was going to come back to his place with us, so I asked Rebecca if she wanted to come back for a drink. She thought on it for what seemed like an eternity but then said she would love too, who could resist a fake tattoo artist right? Toko and I waited eagerly for them to arrive at his place; we set up one massive bed in the lounge and connected two queen bed mattresses together. It took forever for them to arrive.imagesYJGEMBN4 I popped a Viagra pill one of my rugby mates had been kind enough to give me. Finally we saw some head lights shine into the living room, I burst out of the house to see if it was them, and it was! After a few more drinks, my heart was throbbing, not from being nervous but from that bloody Viagra. We started having sex right next to Toko and his stripper. They were keen to swap partners but we weren’t. After we had finished my I felt like I was going to have a heart attack, I just lay there with my heart racing and a massive tent in my pants. Rebecca felt the tent and was pleasantly surprised saying “you’re already ready to go again?!” I honestly thought I was going to die that night, those blue pills are very powerful. I don’t recommend taking Viagra to anyone but if you do maybe try to half of one, not a bloody whole one like I did.