CranKING 

INTERNATIONAL TATTOO EXPO: Wahooo I head off to it. The expo was held in New Plymouth, which is a 4 hour boring as fuckery drive through farmland. Sheep after sheep after fucking sheep, I started counting them which was a big mistake as I started to fall asleep. 
After a quick rest stop I injected a can of Red Bull into my system and off I went. I arrived in New Plymouth at around 4pm on Saturday. I found my backpackers with reasonable ease, even though New Plymouth has a fuck tonne of one way streets – which makes it bloody difficult to drive when ya stupid GPS tells you to turn down them! Fuck! 

I started drinking at my back packers almost immediately. I made friends with a German dude who couldn’t speak a lick of English. Funnily enough he knew the word penis and the phrase “let’s have a fuck”… Yes he was gay. No I didn’t sleep with him. 

After a few more beers I headed off to the tattoo expo. I arrived there and felt like a kid in a candy store, so many amazing artists creating amazing works of art. I took my time walking past each artists admiring their work. I saw Manu Vatuvei (famous Rugby League ) sussing out what to get. I told him “no point mucking around here mate, you need to get back on the park and work on catching a fucking ball”. He just looked at me and walked away hahahaha. 

I left the tattoo expo at 9pm and headed into town to a night spot called ‘Our Place’. Now during the day I had been on Tinder asking all these girls where they are drinking tonight and at least 4 of them said ‘Our Place’. Now me not knowing the New Plymouth scene I thought they meant they were drinking at their own fucking place… idiot. 

After doing the whole club thing for an hour or two I was in the mood to see some boobies…so off to the strippers I stumbled. Now here comes the funny part… when I got up to the strip club the place was fucking deserted, I saw one dude behind the bar swearing away to himself whilst holding his phone up to his ear. “Are you guys open?” I asked. He glanced over to me and said sadly “technically we are mate but the girls haven’t shown up for work.” What type of useless girls was he employing? Feeling sorry for him I bought a beer and had a chat admitting I was after a private lap dance with possible extras as this place operated as a brothel too. “Dam these girls” he said shaking his head “They have probably cost me at least 5 grand tonight with everyone I have turned away.” Now here comes the funny part, I told him I had already taken a Viagra and joked I would have to stumble back to the backpackers and rub one out. He stopped for a minute and said “Mate I can help you with that”. Startled I quickly said “oh no no I’m all good mate, I don’t swing that way”, to which he laughed and said “Nah mate neither, but I do have a TV in the private lap dance room and a porn I can put on for you”.

So yes, you guessed it, I jumped at the chance. With a roll of toilet paper in my hand and my pants around my feet ol’ Mully cranked one out in the private lap dance room to some classic Jenna Jameson Loves Brianna Banks early 2000’s porn. This was some bloody weird shit, It was as if I was at the semen clinic trying to rub one out. After about 10 minutes I popped my top, wiped myself off and bid the stripper owner goodnight. 

Well if having a crank in a strip club was on my bucket list its been fucking ticked off now!

The Lil Guy Stole My Girl!

“Sorry you lot can’t stay here” the owner of the backpackers began to explain “you broke the window last time and were far too loud, we had numerous complaints from other guests”. Shit! I thought, this weekend in Taupo couldn’t have started any worse. We weren’t allowed to stay at that backpackers, so we had to go across the road and booked into the more expensive one. Unlike our usual backpackers this one doesn’t have a balcony so me and the boys are left to drink in our room.

I brought a packet of cards so we started playing circle of death/four kings in our room. It wasn’t long until I got dared to do something stupid. My mate Jase dared me to streak down the hallway and take the lift naked. So off I went balls dangling everywhere. I pressed the lift button to go up as I thought there would be a better chance nobody would be waiting to get on, as there was only one floor above us and three below us. Oh how wrong I was! The doors open and three poor Asians were standing there with a look of sheer terror on their faces. I thought ‘sweet surely they won’t get on the lift with me’ nope they got on. So there I was cupping me privates while these three Asians hugged the opposite site of the lift. That was the most awkward lift ride I have ever had!

We got ready for town and off we went. I noticed this little kid in one of the clubs “how the fuck did he get in here” I thought. On a closer look it realized it wasn’t a kid at all, it was a midget. Now to this day I do not know the acceptable term to call them so if you do, send me a tweet @mullied. I will refer to him as “the lil guy” from here on in. I grab a drink and begin to dance in a semi-circle with the guys. Scanning the dance floor I spot a group of girls and set my sights on one beautiful looking girl with blonde hair. As a group we start dancing our way over to their group. Everything starts to go well, she yells in my ear over the music that she likes my tattoos; I shout back that I’m a tattooist.;) We continue dancing and buying their group drinks and shots. I go to the toilet and when I come back the girl I was dancing with is dancing with the lil guy. Huh, what the fuck?! I immediately make my way over to my groups who have kinda been shunned to the side. This lil guy is busting out all the moves, doing the worm, spinning around and the girl was with is loving it. I start dancing beside her but she straight pie faces me and continues to dance with the lil guy. I feel like drop kicking this lil shit out the door but instead I buy him a drink and cheers him on his good dancing. The last I see of him is him getting in a taxi with the group of girls that we were dancing with, he glanced back at us guys and gave as the thumbs up the, lil buggar! “Well that sucked” Jase announced to all of us. “No it doesn’t” I said “it’s not every day you get a girl stolen off you by a dwarf, plus we still got the strip club to go to!”. So off to the strip club we went!