Mullys Vasectomy

As I sit looking down at my still bruised balls I can’t help but think did I do the right thing getting a vasectomy at 28…Fuck yes I did!!! I have two girls to a former partner, and recently I got two fucking “I think I might be pregnant” scares from two different ladies, so freezing some juice and getting a vasectomy sounded like a bloody good idea to me!

After the initial consultation where the doctor asks the standard questions like why do you want this and have you though this through, he fucking described in detail how he does the surgery, step by step, snip by snip. That actually nearly made me back out of the whole thing, too much information!

D Day came around quick; I got my dad to drive me to the doctors. The only other time I think I have felt that nervous was right before the tattoo needle went into my penis. I got called into the doctor’s office; he gave me two Valium and put some numbing cream on my balls then back to the waiting room I go to wait for the surgeon to prep and let the Valium take effect.

While waiting, I got myself so worked up and nervous that I felt dizzy as then suddenly Bam! The Valium kicked in and I was happy as Larry. I was called in to surgery and was more than happy to take my pants off, I was in such a non-caring state I probably would’ve let him stick a cheeky finger up my bum and check my prostate, I couldn’t give two fucks, it was great. The surgeon asked me what music, music artist and album I liked to which I said hip hop, Eminem, Marshall Mathers LP. So there I was getting my balls shaved whilst Eminem’s Kill You played in the background, was I high or was this actually happening. Oh it was happening because as soon as the song Stan came on I remember a painful tugging going on down there and being the curious guy that I am, I had to look. As I looked down I saw that the surgeon has pulled out a massive fucking tube thing and was chopping a chunk off it and it fucking hurt! Yeah so he had numbed my balls skin but this fucker hadn’t given me a local injection or anything. “This shouldn’t hurt” he said looking at me a little concerned “well fuck me it does mate!” I replied in pain. I later find out it really CAN hurt depending on a lot of different things. Thinking he was done I let out a sign of relief “Ok and now for the other side” he said “fuck me i thought we were bloody home and hosed” I replied. Thank my lucky stars the other side didn’t hurt at all and just felt like a little pulling sensation. After he was finished he left the room and let me get changed by myself. I lay there for a moment naked feeling like a cheap date that had been told to clean up and get out. I looked down at my poor nuts; the left side was already dark purple.

The next few days after having this done was difficult, every step hurt, sleeping hurt, sitting hurt, not masturbating hurt and sucked. After about a week my balls were swollen… not because of the surgery but because I couldn’t have a bloody crank! Well the first time I did it HURT!! With a mixture of blood and cream shooting out. I immediately ring the doctor and luckily that is normal. You will be pleased to know that last weekend I put it to the ultimate test and I can safely say Mulligan’s back on the horse!

Advertisements

Sex, Selfies and One Sore Back

“Ohhh you’re so tight!!!!!”……… unfortunately this wasn’t me talking nasty to one of the dirty girls at the massage parlour, nope this was the voice of the physiotherapist as she examined the damage I had done to my back. “How did you do this to yourself?” she questioned as she begun poking needles into swollen areas of my back. Without wanting to lie, but at the same time not wanting to be too graphic I answered “in the bedroom” with a smirk on my face. She paused for a minute then she chuckled “go on then, tell me the story and don’t worry I hear all sorts working here”. Well I hope she’s ready for this one…

So lets rewind a couple of days before going to physio. I was up to my old tricks putting in some graft to a chick I met through a friend. This girl was a serial selfie picture sender, sending a shit tonne to me through facebook messenger. Luckily for me I have a whole folder full of selfie pictures I send girls, from the cute innocent smiling ones to the full blown dirty dick pics. This girl though was sending me one every bloody half hour, I started thinking “cool you have lots of clothes doesn’t mean I want a fucking photo of you modelling everything you own”. I would be going for a run and my notifications on my phone would be going mental, “you have been sent a photo’ ughhh. We decided to meet up for a drink on Friday after work, she messaged me about 5.30pm asking if she could have my opinion on something, thinking it was something saucy I replied “sure”. Boom! about 20 selfie photos of different outfits came through, fuck sake!

Well we met up, and she was a lovely chick, I began joking about her ridiculous amount of selfies she sent me, she admitted she was obsessed with taking them. Going out for a drink ended up turning into a fully fledged pub crawl. We ended up back at mine at sometime in the AM and immediately got naked, as we began to have sex she proceeded to talk dirty with running commentary. “Take it, take it, I’m you’re nasty girl” she said in between moans. “Harder! Faster! Harder!” she yelled. I was going back and forth so fast that if I was on survivor I bet my penis could have made a fire. Suddenly I felt my lower back go on me “arhhhhh fuck!!!!” I yelp in pain and crumple into a ball next to the naked girl. I had thrust too hard and fast that I had fucked my back. Luckily for me this girl was really nice and stayed with me because I couldn’t move and the pain was horrendous, thank god I had some codeine in the bathroom.

I finished telling the physio the story and all she could say was “maybe next time let her go on top and do some of the work” Classic.

Why I hate blow jobs

Blow jobs; what guy doesn’t love a girl creating magic down there with her lips, mouth and if you’re lucky her throat 😉 Well sadly I don’t like them, it’s not really the fact I don’t like them per say, it’s that…well after this next story I share you might have a better understanding as to why. I have just found my old iPhone which has sparked this story from reading through old texts.

It was summer time here in New Zealand, it was January 2009. Girls were looking for summer lovin’ and I was more than happy to be multiple girls’ summertime fling. Single Ladies by Beyoncé was the number one song in the country which was great as when that song came on in the club it was so easy to spot the single girls. They’d be the ones waving their arms about asking for someone to put a ring on it. That’s not me love, but thank you for helping me out by letting me know you’re single.

Each year when I lived in Hamilton I would spend a month of summer in Tauranga at my parents. Hamilton nightlife was dead with university over for the year. At the same stage Tauranga town experiences it’s busiest two months of the year with all the uni kids back an of coarse all the tourists that flock in their masses to be by the beautiful beach.

One night I went out with two of my cousins that had come over from Australia who I hadn’t seen in a few years. We had been going bar to bar and they were really impressed by how I could pull the girls. I had hooked up with a few girls but nothing too great – that was until we entered the Bahama Hut night club. Soon Beyoncé’s single ladies came on, I spotted my pray busting out some ridiculous dance moves. I pounced; coming in with my dice shaker moves. Here’s a quick tip, if you know that they know that you know that your making a dick out of yourself by dancing and you get them to laugh your already at first base! She was a hot looking brunette, she looked around 20 years old and I could tell by her glassy eyes that she was as drunk as I felt. I waited for the song to finish and I quickly whispered in her ear that I thought she was hot.  Touching her arm I pulled away giving a sheepish smile and that’s all it took! After about another half a song we were playing tonsil hockey. I looked over at my two cousins and they gave me the big thumbs up. I took her up to the bar where we sunk a good half dozen shots. At this stage I was completely wasted, somehow we ended up in the girl’s toilet. She started speaking and I noticed she had a British accent, I love accents. She ordered me to take my pants off, I took them off and she started giving me head. It hurt so much she was using her teeth so much every suck it got worse. I was too wasted to tell her to stop but it felt like she was grating my dick in her mouth. All of a sudden she began to slow down the back and forth motion of the blow job. As I looked down I could see she was beginning to coma out, I began to lean back pulling my penis away from her but as I did she was falling back against the wall to coma. She bit down on my dick! Fortunately I had successfully pulled most of it out but I couldn’t get the tip out in time. As her teeth penetrated through the flesh of my cock I let out the biggest scream. I shook her head to wake her and luckily she immediately came to. I looked down at my best friend (not the girl, my penis!) and it had teeth holes in with dark dark blood beginning to ooze out. I snapped out of my drunken state and took off into the boy’s bathroom. My poor penis was so sore; I stuffed some toilet paper down my undies to form a makeshift nappy, grabbed my cousins and taxied home.

It took ages for my penis to heal and it was so painful whilst it tried to form a scab. Since then I have never trusted another girl with my penis in their mouth, if I did they have to be stone cold sober. I just have to look down and see the tooth scars on my mate to support my decision!

Tattooed Tips

My Guide to Tattoos

I only thought I was going to get one or two tattoos’ when I was younger. 10 years later I have one on my penis! For a first tattoo you want to start off small for the main reason being that you might not like the pain. For my first I got an Irish clover on my right arm. A tip for getting a tattoo DO NOT DRINK THE NIGHT BEFORE, I bled so much during my first tattoo and nearly passed out, it almost put me off getting another one. . almost.299

Always make sure you defiantly want what you are getting tattooed. I have the PlayStation symbols on my knuckles! Do I regret this? Shit yes! I play Xbox but I got convinced by the tattooist to get the PlayStation symbols. Which brings me to my next tip, don’t let your tattooist squash your idea – they are there to help and offer their opinion, not to completely knock your idea of what you want because at the end of the day it’s your skin not theirs.

223805_279911465451314_717625694_nIf you’re getting a quote or name make sure it is spelt correctly. My mate got a massive one on his chest saying ‘Live Fast Die Hard’, the tattooist for some reason tried to get all fancy with the V in live and it now looks like ‘Libe Fast Die Hard’, totally retarded.

Don’t get a fashion tattoo! Remember those tribal tattoo’s that where barely cool in the 90’s?? Well come 15 years later they are shite! They looked only acceptable on wrestling back then. Lately the new “in” tattoo is the feather with birds exploding out of it or something similar to the same effect, just don’t become a sheep get something that shows your individuality.

Last piece of advice is don’t be a tight arse with your money.tattoo-bad-vs-good A fifty dollar tattoo will get a fifty dollar job. Look around for a tattooist with a style that you like. Stalk their Facebook page if they have one and see if you like their designs. If you come to Tauranga look up Bray Revolver, he is by far the best tattooist I have seen in a long long time. His black and white pieces are amazing. If you’re in Hamilton, hit up Flax Roots tattoos, an artist called Ali Selliman is fantastic with cartoons and animals. He did my grenade on my hand and I love it.

Anyway there are a few tips on getting a tattoo if you are getting one show me on twitter @mullied I would love to see what you get!