Italy!!

“Oh my fucking god this is nice” these were not good words to say in Vatican city but fucking terrible words to see in the Sistine chapel. I’m going to hell. But holy heck it is a beautiful place!

ITALY! wow, what an amazing place, the food, the history. . . the females. I went to get a coke from the vending machine and right next to it was another vending machine I thought was only available in my dreams. Condoms, vigara, viabrators and pregnancy tests wow fucking wow! Although one box of condoms was called “Retard” obviously Italy isn’t very PC lol

Ok……. Time to que the love music. whilst in Italy I got the feels for someone on the trip, for fuck sakes. We got really really close, even to the point I flew to Melbourne (yes, she is an Australian, ughh) to see her. It didn’t work out but it’s something I look back on fondly. I even wrote a song about her (cheap plug, it’s out end of this month Tattooed Mulligan – Melbourne Girl, cheap plug)

Italy wasn’t without the drama, one of my bros lost his passport so he couldn’t leave the country. I got asked to leave the sicitene chapel for swearing, which I apologised for straight away but having a death moth tattooed on my neck I guess doesn’t make me look like the second coming of christ!

Well that’s pretty much all from my trip in Europe, I did train it back to Amsterdam after the Contiki finished and pretty my lived in a coffee shop for 3 days, guess it’s why they say “when in Rome ”

placeholder://

Liverpool Kiss

Well my trip to the UK and Ireland is over! Unfortunately my mobile provider’s data roaming service costs a bloody arm and a leg so there were no live date tweets. But not to worry, I have a whole arsenal of stories to unleash on you in the coming weeks! The first one is called the Liverpool Kiss and without further ado, let’s get into it.
 
After driving from London to Liverpool our tour group checked into the motel and began drinking. We got taken to the Cavern Club which is a huge bar underground where The Beatles used to play. Most of us felt out of our element there as even though the live music was great, if you looked around the dance floor it looked like we had gate-crashed a fucking 70th birthday party with old fuckers jiggling their loose skin all around us. 
 
After rounding up the troops we headed off in search of a club, we got conned into one club in the promise of a free shot which turned out to be some shitty lolly water. Now to say we got drunk would be an understatement, we got fucked up beyond fucked up. Shot after shot, drink after drink, so much liquid I started growing fucking fins. 
21439489_10212550192461681_400723547_o
I went outside to get some air as it was hot as a hooker’s undies in there. I started having a conversation with an older women who was part of a hens night. I was giving her heaps about her Liverpool accent which was hard to understand. Her banter was good and she loved my accent, now usually this would end in me inviting her back to my place right?
 
Yes right but this is England not New Zealand, she then tells me “you should meet my daughter” and proceeds to pull her 18 year-old daughter out of the night club to meet me. She is smoking hot and we hit it off too. We go back in the club and I dirty dance with both the mum and daughter, a Liverpool club sandwich, they both even kiss me on the cheek. 
 
Come 3am my tour group started telling me they were going to head back, her mum overheard and urged her daughter to go back with me!! “Go on, have a good time, he’s a handsome guy” she told her daughter. Well fuck me, I wasn’t complaining, I was in a wee bit of shock to be honest in my drunken state, this would never happen back home I thought.
 
We went back to mine where I had somehow scored my own room that night and I gave her the best two minutes of her bloody life. Whipping all my best moves out, missionary followed by missionary topped off with a sprinkle of missionary. After that it’s probably safe to say she would’ve blamed her mum for convincing her to go back to a bloody disappointment haha.
 
Next up Scotland! 

Another Weekend Another Tale

If you had told my 17 year old self that I would be shagging triple the amount of girls off of online dating apps instead of clubbing in town, I would have laughed in your face and told you that was flat out bloody creepy. Roll on ten years later and I only find myself going out once a week at the most with the dating app tinder using up the rest of my time. This last weekend I left town for a girl off of tinder.

I left Tauranga for Hamilton on Saturday, heading straight to my old local super liquor in Hamilton East, picking up a 12 pack of shots and a box of beers. I was staying at my mate Scotty’s place and within 5 minutes of being there we had already downed two beers and a shot. I knew we were in for a messy night when Scotty punched a hole in his wall, but instead of thinking ‘lets stay in tonight and watch the footy’ we decided to head to town.

It wasn’t long until every second club started denying us entry because of our intoxication levels. I decided to jump on tinder sitting outside a club trying to sober up a little. In my drunken state I did a mass swipe right, liking anything and anyone, it could have been a fucking goat with a profile and I would have liked it. It wasn’t long until I had some likes back with messages such as “Hi there, what’s your plans tonight”, these Hamilton girls don’t fuck about. I arranged to get picked up by an apparent nurse who was just finishing a 12 hour shift and needed some loving. I broke the news to my mate that he was on his own and I got picked up by this female stranger who I had only messaged a dozen times. We went back to her place which was on the outskirts of Hamilton, I couldn’t help thinking I was on my way to be murdered. After some good sexual chatter in the car we got to her place around half two and immediately got down to business. This wasn’t this 30 something year olds first rodeo, scratching the shit out of my back while telling me to “fuck me harder cowboy” (do I look like a cowboy?) she jumped on top and went hell for leather, I felt as if my willy was going to snap. Anyway it lasted a whooping 15 minutes, which is pretty good for me. After it was done she gave me a ride home to my mates, even going through the McDonalds drive through buying me a LARGE combo – fucking awesome!

Jelly Wrestling Jail Time

As I stared blankly at this poorly painted wall I looked down at my skinned knuckles wishing I had my phone on me. “I need to remember what happened tonight” I thought. I hadn’t lost my phone or anything; in fact it was in arguably very safe hands, I just couldn’t get to it. I started to look around at my surroundings. One ginger haired guy was asleep next to me and about two metres away another guy was pacing back and fourth like an idiot. Talking to himself emphasising the F words to sound real bad ass. No, I wasn’t at some dodgy Hamilton night spot I was in the Wellington Cells/Jail.

I flew down to Wellington last week for a work conference thing and liking it down there so much I decided to stay another night at the motel. It was O week last week which is a week-long celebration and orientation to welcome university students and help to familiarise themselves with the local surroundings, which has evolved into the night clubs being open every night of the week with different themes each night. After pre loading on drinks at my motel I stumbled into town. I met one of my friends who works in Wellington at Courtenay Place, where the majority of the clubs were going off. Every place was packed with university students and everyone was having a great time. Shots of blue looking liqueur were only $2 at one of the clubs, so I happily exchanged my crisp $20 note for 10 and downed every one of them. By this time my drunken confidence was at an all time high and saw that the club I was in was having a jelly wrestling tournament. I chucked my name down and waited for my turn. The event was in the middle of the club which consisted of an oversized kids paddling pool filled with lubrication gel. The rules were simple; two people got into the paddling pool and the winner is either the one left standing or the one that lands on top of the opponent. “Heat 8 Sean and Connor come on down” the dj called out. I was pitted against this person that looked liked a fucking carrot. He had the brightest, most ginger hair I had ever seen and he was muscly as! “Fuck i’m going to lose” I thought to myself. As we squared off he began hurling some verbal abuse at me, looking around I saw all of his gym boyfriends egging him on. Suddenly he slapped me really hard in the face. The ref was some hot girl who was pretty much there for decoration, she told him no slapping. Not one to be out done I wound my right arm up and slapped the shit out of him which made him slip and stumble over. I had won but it wasn’t over, he tackled me and began laying in punches yelling at me that I had punched him (it was a slap!) I fought back a bit until it was broken up. My knuckles were bleeding which still confuses me as to how that happened. As all of this was unfolding two police officers were doing a walk through the club and witnessed the incident. Grabbing us both they took us outside into an awaiting paddy wagon to a chorus of boos from all the other party goers. We both were still topless and drenched in lube FML.

When we got to the police station the police officers couldn’t stop cracking jokes at us about how silly two topless guys covered in lube looked. In hinds sight we must have but these young cops were acting like massive douches. We both got warnings and had to stay in the cells for awhile which turned out to be three hours. I asked Connor why he started a fight and he thought I had punched him. I told him I had just slapped him back, he apologised, I accepted and we were all good.

We got out of there at about 3am, we got our phones back and got given t-shirts out of the lost property to wear. Connors friends had gone home to Lower Hutt, I suggested we go to the strip club and he happily agreed. We stayed there until 5am, then I stumbled back to my motel alone. If it wasn’t for spending time in the cells that night was shaping up to be awesome, oh well there is always next time!

IMG_0592

Road Trip Night Two Tauranga

The second night of the weekend road trip took me to Tauranga this past Friday.  I left Hamilton around lunchtime with a sore head and an as equally sore penis. I decided to stop in and get a sex check at family planning as for some stupid reason I decided not to wear protection last night. Breaking my own rule of ALWAYS wearing protection, especially in Hamilton. This old weird looking lady is at reception at the clinic. I give her my name and surprise surprise they have me on file! I nervously wait in the waiting room, as people come in to wait for their appointments I can’t help but feel dirty. Finally my name gets called and I make my way into the lady doctor’s room. I explain to her that I didn’t wear protection last night so immediately she tells me that we should do a couple of tests. The first test she did was put this huge looking brush down my pee hole which on the way up scraped the inner sides of my penis to get DNA off it. FML that is seriously the most uncomfortable thing I have been through ….well apart from getting a tattoo on my penis which she saw and of course started asking questions about. The other test was just to wee in a cup which was actually pretty hard after having that brush up there. She told me I would get the results back in 3 working days but until then wear protection.

By this stage it was going on 5pm so I head to my mates place at Mount Maunganui and from there we head to the Mount Melic bar. Its karaoke night at the bar so after two shots of confidence juice my mate and I decide to have a go. We belt out Pinks ‘Just Give Me a Reason’ to a great reaction. By the end of it we got a $200 bar tab for the most enthusiastic singers, we didn’t even know it was a competition! By this stage the night began to get hazier and hazier. I remember lining 5 shots of tequila up and just downing them, I also remember giving shots to this girl we had been chatting to earlier on. She continued to hang around until the bar was going to close and if I recall correctly, she was going to come home with me. That was until this happened. We were outside chatting and she was having a smoke and we decided to hook up. Mid-way through kissing I could taste the gross taste of cigarettes. Now mix that in with my already curdling stomach from all the different types of alcohol consumed and I guess you know what happens next. Her tongue was down my throat when all of a sudden I could feel spew coming up. Luckily I managed to pull away just in time, but unfortunately her shoes got the majority of the spew. “What the fuck” she shreaks and takes off towards a waiting taxi. I continue throwing up until my mate comes out to get me and take me home, top guy!

Well that’s it for Round 2 of the 3 day road trip I am still recovering from what happened. Saturday night’s adventures I will post on Wednesday!