Lately I have been getting sick as fuck of tinder, every second profile I come across is either a fake profile or just too bloody terrible to look at. Recently I have been jotting down notes of what has been really bugging me and I thought these need to be shared. Please realise these are notes put together so they don’t have any point to them, they just random rants. Every fucking second fucking profile is from the USA for FUCK SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!! guna feel sorry for someone that is legit from the US but every time I swipe on one of these profiles they ask me to go to something along the lines of fuckme.com or some other bullshit fake as fuck site, arghhhhhhhh.
If your tinder profile is just photos of bloody scenery don’t moan because people don’t swipe right! I don’t want to fuck a mountain, I want titties the size of mountains. Yes that’s a lovely fucking river but fuck sakes SHOW ME YOU!
If your tinder profile is a fucking essay of what you want in a guy, don’t moan because people don’t swipe right example fucking one
“I have this personal trait where I care too much about others and go out of my way to make sure they’re happy, and forget about my own happiness. So I’ve decided I’m going to be a bit selfish for once in my life and look after myself and my happiness. I am relocating to Taupo as step one in my own happiness. Step two is hopefully meeting someone amazing down here. I have a university degree, full time job and two vehicles (whoop whoop) – so I like to think I have my head screwed on and am going places. My biggest passion is traveling the world and especially remote places of NZ, which is partly where my biggest hobby comes in. This hobby, my family and friends are the most important things in my life and would hope that one day soon I can find someone to share all these things with. I’m no model, have never claimed to be, and whilst I may not look like I did when I was 17, I’m still the exact same funny, kind hearted, somewhat sassy person I’ve always been. I’m not afraid to speak my mind or have an opinion about something, so you can guarantee I’ll always be straight with you. All I expect is the same in return! Easy huh!”
No one cares that you have two fucking cars, no one cares about any of this shit! That’s what meeting up and actually talking to someone is all about. 4 emojis in your profile would be better and hey put two fucking car emoji’s if you’re think it’s important, f sakes.
You like animals? Cool, great, amazing, praise the fucking lord. Photos of you and your animals in every photo is annoying but no photos of you and just of your fucking cat?! This isn’t a bestiality site, I’m not trying to shag ya fucking cat. SHOW ME YOU!
Close up selfies for all your photos?! fuck right off! I want to see all of you in at least one photo. Not just ya bloody face, fuck… chances are it’s for a reason and not just cause you like the look of you own face #CoughCatfishCough
Here for the LOLS you say? Then why the fuck are you asking me around for a drink? The real laugh out louds will happen when I don’t pull out … BOOM!!
Snap Chat bloody filters!!!! Is this snap chat NO!!! then why do I see girl after freaking girl posing with their toungues out. They are the worst on tinder profiles…. Sorry love you are not a rabbit…. more like a rat. ok a bit harsh, but you get the point.
Well those are my rants, hope you enjoyed them, I think this tinder app is taking years off my life, bloody stressful lol. Now time to plan for a date that I will be live tweeting and streaming for the first time this year! Follow along tonight on my twitter this Thursday, it’s going to be fun! Peace ✌️
Apologies in advance if there are a lot of spelling errors, my proof reading is being a useless shit and gone on holiday. So this is an unfiltered, unedited blog, enjoy!
If there was a book for single female tourists coming to New Zealand after this summer I feel like there should be a section on me. Right next to the night life activities there should be a photo of my tattooed penis. The amount of backpackers I’ve wined, dined and obviously shagged is bloody staggering. The main culprits are the German backpackers, aside from Asian tourists I would say Germans tourists come to New Zealand in their droves. But why? are they big Lord Of The Rings/Hobbit fan boys? Well unfortunately I don’t have the bloody answer because they can’t speak sweet fuck all English. But I guess they don’t make me wear a Gollum mask or tell me to “fuck me hobbit man” so I guess we can rule the fan boy theory possibly.
Come to think of it I should actually start my own tour guide business as the amount of times I have taken backpackers on hikes up Mount Maunganui is fucking staggering. I have to pretend I actually enjoy it too, like “wow such a nice view, I haven’t been up here in ages’ total bullshit.
This last week I had been chatting up this chick from the Czech Republic. To make me one step a head of all the other horny Kiwi dudes on tinder I actually study the country and learn a few simple words. A bit of bloody research before meeting a European beauty can go along way. I do this to all the foreign hotties I meet and they fucking love it! It’s almost a sign of respect in their eyes that someone has taken the time to actually show an interest in where they come from and doesn’t just wanna get in their pants. Just such a gentleman is I
Now this Czech girl oh my god what a stunner and was as honest as the day is long (most European are to be honest) After we played the age old tradition of hide the sausage, she rolled off me and before I could pretend and say “wow that was great” she said “well that was pretty average!” Bloody hell I thought, I was kinda thinking that but dam I would never say it. But don’t worry we ended up doing it again and I got her moaning saying she loves it whilst I spelt the alphabet out with my tongue on her vag. Good Times Good Times!
BTW if you don’t already chuck us a like on Facebook, trying to get that off the ground again and also instagram. Chur
As I sit looking down at my still bruised balls I can’t help but think did I do the right thing getting a vasectomy at 28…Fuck yes I did!!! I have two girls to a former partner, and recently I got two fucking “I think I might be pregnant” scares from two different ladies, so freezing some juice and getting a vasectomy sounded like a bloody good idea to me!
After the initial consultation where the doctor asks the standard questions like why do you want this and have you though this through, he fucking described in detail how he does the surgery, step by step, snip by snip. That actually nearly made me back out of the whole thing, too much information!
D Day came around quick; I got my dad to drive me to the doctors. The only other time I think I have felt that nervous was right before the tattoo needle went into my penis. I got called into the doctor’s office; he gave me two Valium and put some numbing cream on my balls then back to the waiting room I go to wait for the surgeon to prep and let the Valium take effect.
While waiting, I got myself so worked up and nervous that I felt dizzy as then suddenly Bam! The Valium kicked in and I was happy as Larry. I was called in to surgery and was more than happy to take my pants off, I was in such a non-caring state I probably would’ve let him stick a cheeky finger up my bum and check my prostate, I couldn’t give two fucks, it was great. The surgeon asked me what music, music artist and album I liked to which I said hip hop, Eminem, Marshall Mathers LP. So there I was getting my balls shaved whilst Eminem’s Kill You played in the background, was I high or was this actually happening. Oh it was happening because as soon as the song Stan came on I remember a painful tugging going on down there and being the curious guy that I am, I had to look. As I looked down I saw that the surgeon has pulled out a massive fucking tube thing and was chopping a chunk off it and it fucking hurt! Yeah so he had numbed my balls skin but this fucker hadn’t given me a local injection or anything. “This shouldn’t hurt” he said looking at me a little concerned “well fuck me it does mate!” I replied in pain. I later find out it really CAN hurt depending on a lot of different things. Thinking he was done I let out a sign of relief “Ok and now for the other side” he said “fuck me i thought we were bloody home and hosed” I replied. Thank my lucky stars the other side didn’t hurt at all and just felt like a little pulling sensation. After he was finished he left the room and let me get changed by myself. I lay there for a moment naked feeling like a cheap date that had been told to clean up and get out. I looked down at my poor nuts; the left side was already dark purple.
The next few days after having this done was difficult, every step hurt, sleeping hurt, sitting hurt, not masturbating hurt and sucked. After about a week my balls were swollen… not because of the surgery but because I couldn’t have a bloody crank! Well the first time I did it HURT!! With a mixture of blood and cream shooting out. I immediately ring the doctor and luckily that is normal. You will be pleased to know that last weekend I put it to the ultimate test and I can safely say Mulligan’s back on the horse!
Well I have already completed my New Years resolution of 2017 and we are only 10 days into the New Year. It was to see how long I could stay celibate for in 2017. Well I got the answer to that…56 bloody minutes into the new year!
If you haven’t been reading my twitter I went to the biggest music festival New Zealand puts on all year: Rhythm & Vines for New Years. From where I live in Tauranga its a bit of a drive to get to the festival. Four hours of winding scenic roads. I took off at 10am on the 31st with one of my girl mates, she didn’t wanna pay for petrol so she offered to pay in other ways on the way down 😉 hitchhikers special is what I like to call it.
We arrived there at around 3 and saw that to get in the car park to R&V they search your car for alcohol and confiscate it. Fuckers! I do a uturn and park almost directly across the road and down as many bloody shots as I can. “Any alcohol in your car guys?” one of the security guards says. “not anymore” I reply with a large smirk coming across my face.
We park up and begin chatting to a van of German girls parked next to us, they happily share their straight vodka they had sneaked in (in their McDonalds cups). One of them is completely stunning, I gravitate to her and begin flirting with her, she is pretty lite and lets me know she has been drinking since lunchtime. Her friends wanna go back into the festival, she says she will catch up. My girl mate knows what I’m up to and heads to the portaloo. I jump into the German van and begin to hook up with this hot German. Now I wish i could say more happen than kisses but she told me it was that time of month, which was fine with me, I was just stoked I had hooked up with someone without even stepping a foot into the festival!
After about half a dozen security checks (which included a full body pat down) I started to make my way into the festival. As I walked past the dehydration station tents I was immediately grabbed roughly by two security guards “STOP RIGHT NOW!” the big one boomed at me grabbing my arms tightly. The other one radioed to another one of his guards “can you confirm the tattoo on his neck is a butterfly” he asked. “whats going on? I just got here” I said to them but they weren’t listening. After what felt like an eternity they got a reply from the guard that I wasn’t the guy they were looking for. I was free to go with not even an apology, fucking rude bastards!
After that small hiccup it was time to get some beers in me and enjoy the show! Now if you’re thinking of going to R&V in the future the best place I found to pick up girls is the line waiting to get drinks. Now this fucking line was so bloody long, it gave you a good chance to chat to the people behind or in front of you.
It wasn’t long before I hooked up with someone, then another then another. This is fucking paradise I thought! As I was waiting to go for a wee a girl came out of the portaloo and flashed her tits at me laughing and throwing her bra at me. “R&V fuck yea wahoooo” she screams, obviously on pingers or something.
3, 2, 1 happy new year!!! me and the girl I came down with neck on with each other, shes a bloody amazing kisser, as the fireworks began to go off one big firework nearly went off in my bloody pants as I got a very happy New Year hand job. We split up again and went to look for girls and guys to dance with.
Now as I said before the best place to meet chicks and potentially hook up with them I found was the drinks line…well I also found the fucking worst place in the worst way. After breaking the seal I had to go for another wee pretty soon after the first. As I waited and waited for whoever was in this certain portaloo to finish it never crossed my mind that whoever was in there might be throwing their guts up.
So this stunning girl opens the door and pulls me inside. You are so fucking sexy she slurs at me. We start having sex in this fucking portaloo, shes on top of me jumping up and down. She then goes to kiss me and she tastes like fucking vomit, what the fucking fuck I thought immediately pulling away from her hot breath stinky mouth. We finish up and I fucking get out of there was fast as I can, gurgling my beer around my mouth to get the taste of spew out, yuck.
I meet my girl I came down here with back at my car at around 5am and we watch the first sunrise of 2017 in style… doggy style. HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS!
First off I have to say UP! UP! Cronulla. What an amazing game that was to see live, as the final whistle blew the excitement and noise in the stadium was off the charts! This isn’t a footy blog so that’s enough about that. This is the next instalment of Mully Dates. Unfortunately having ran out of data I couldn’t live tweet it out but not to worry I took notes.
After flying into Sydney and getting patted down by ozzy boarder security it was off to Kings Cross for a well-deserved beer. After pub hoping for a bit me and the boys spotted the perfect pub. There were about a good 30-40 girls all dressed up as maids, policewomen etc. and no guys?! WTF. I asked one of them where all the penises were. “We’re on a double hen’s night” one of them replied in a thick ozzy accent. “So why are you guys drinking at this seedy place?” I asked. With a smirk she replied “upstairs is a male strip club mate”. Well fuck me dead I had found the perfect place to pick up girls, the fucking holy-grail!! The girls went up to the strippers, got themselves all bloody hot and heavy and ol’ mully waited downstairs to swoop in! Well the first horde of girls went up and half an hour later came down but scurried off into the night “fuck sake!” I thought. I asked the bartender if there was another show later on. Luckily another show was scheduled in an hours’ time.
After a few more beers the next horde of ladies came into the bar, these ones were noticeably fit with muscly legs bulging out. “Fuck it’s a bunch of cross fit muppets’’ I thought. But after chatting to them they revealed that they played rugby league, nice! All these beers had me in dire need to drain my vain, so I headed into the toilet but, just like a fucking league game, I got intercepted by two of the big beefy girls. They shoved me into the ladies toilet and began giving me the best bj I have ever bloody had, they sucked my balls better than any fucking vacuum cleaner ever has! Wanting to obviously get their end away after the strip show the big girls grabbed me and basically tackled me into a taxi “We’re going back to our room big boy” the biggest one scoffed. Once we got back to their room, they threw me onto the bed and begun getting unchanged. What happened next was a fucked up mixture between sex and a game of footy. They grabbed my willy as if it was a fucking gear shift, shoving it between their legs, once one thought the other girl had had enough of a turn on it she shoved her off and sat on it. This carried on for a good 40 minutes until I was drenched in ozzy girl slime. I bid them a good night saying I had to get back to my mates but these fuckers wouldn’t let me leave, tackling me back onto the saturated bed for round two! I eventually got away and back to where I was staying thankfully with only minimum bruising. Those ozzy girls like sex like they love their footy; sweaty and rough as fuck!
If anyone ever says in the future “imagine sleeping with one of your ex’s sisters” I will answer with “mate read my blog; been there done that!”
So let’s give this blog a sprinkle of a background story before recapping the date. Quite a few girls ago… I mean years ago… undoubtedly the same thing, I dated this stunning chick, absolute10 out of 10, even her personality would have been a solid 8. She was almost bloody perfect. Except for when she drunk, she would flirt with anything and anyone, eventually to the point where she cheated. So that’s what happened and we broke up but I stayed in touch with her sisters and mum on facebook. I kinda wish that I could say I got revenge on her by shagging her mum, but I didn’t, I just broke up with her and wisely moved on…….. until last Thursday.
As I said, I had kept in contact with her mum and sisters, but only as acquaintances on facebook. All of a sudden out of the blue her eldest sister began messaging me last Thursday. After a bit of back and forth banter she asked me out for a drink the following night and the Hashtag #ExGirlfriendsSisterDate was born.
Let us recap: after work I met up with one of the bros at the local. We ended up getting dinner there and admittedly I had one too many brews, considering it was still early evening. Anyway I managed to wander past a few bars to meet her just after 8.30pm luckily she had only just arrived, I could see her from across the packed bar and fuck me she looked beautiful. We started chatting and soon enough her sister, my ex was brought up, apparently a leopard doesn’t change its spots, because according to my date she has had a string of boyfriends but can’t keep ‘em since, yup you guessed it; she cheats.
We started flirting quite quickly, she even began bragging about how much more wild she was compared to her sister, I jokingly asked her to prove it, to which she says “buy me some tequila shots and i will”. We started shotting a tray of tequila shots, which after the fourth one made me vomit in my mouth a little. I kept giving her shit saying “your sister is way wilder” and then she looked me in the eye with a naughty grin “I bet she never did this.” She then went under the table we were sitting at and started undoing my pants. My eyes started darting around the room to see if anyone in the packed bar was watching, luckily no one was. She started sucking me off as I pretended to go on my phone, holy shit this was crazy! She was down there for a couple of minutes then stopped and re-emerged. “You are crazy!” I said smiling as she took a swig of her wine “let’s get out of here, I’m really wet” she said grinning. Bloody hell you don’t have to tell me twice.
We went back to her place and started shagging, I sensed she was trying to be more crazy than she would normally be, by making me shove a finger up her bum and eventually goading me to partake in anal… a shitty time. I stayed at her place the entire night, high fiving myself silently while she slept, thinking that I had finally got some sweet revenge on my ex. Now to send my ex the selfie I took of me and her older sister in bed haha.
Well, well, well, first date back from a brief hiatus and fuck me, it doesn’t go smoothly. Now I wish I could just tweet my date out and have it end with me banging the chick, but this isn’t a fairy tale where we bang happily ever after. No, no, no this shit is real life where anything can happen and did.
After sub-contracting all week to another painting crew I got talking to one of the boys from the other painting crew. He told me about this chick that his boss had employed and given a painting apprenticeship almost straight away. Apparently there was a lot of animosity towards her from all of the other painters as they had to prove themselves for over a year before they got offered an apprenticeship. Not thinking too much into like hmmm her boss might have the hot’s for her, I got her number and began texting her.
She seemed pretty cool over text and apparently had seen me on building sites in the past. I asked her out for a drink on Thursday night and she accepted… The #PainterDate was born. Let us recap…..
Before meeting up with her I tried this new Cider that had just come out and holy shit it was so good, best thing I had tasted since I had gone down on that Canadian girl back in February and that shit tasted like fucking peaches. We meet up down at her local pub in a suburb in Tauranga called Bureta. She glammed herself up pretty good but I still could see bits of paint under her nails. She had good banter and even ordered a bloody jug of beer for herself.
We started getting jolly and opening up after a couple of jugs of beer. We started talking about sex and she admitted to being so horny on a job she used her paint brush as a dildo, holy fuck! And here was me thinking I was a weirdo for fucking my paint roller sleeve!
I got back from a pee and noticed a concerned look on her face as she was furiously texting someone. It was her boss, she hadn’t finished sanding the room she was on or some shit like that and he wasn’t happy! He kept trying to ring her and eventually resorted to texting her, not being one to let a cock ruin my night I brought us shots and soldiered on.
Before long her fucking boss turned up and started having a full blown argument. He pointed towards me saying “who’s this guy?? Aren’t you supposed to be with Andy?!” Who the fucks Andy I thought. “Fuck Andy, he’s boring” She replied “We broke up on Sunday” Her boss changed his tune as soon as he clicked she was single and the 50 something year old turned on his McSleeze. He stopped arguing, got us all a round and added himself to our fucking date, what the fucking fuck!!!
This fucker started to her all touchy, touchy with her and instead of shrugging it off this tart is fucking loving it. I snap a couple of pictures for twitter, knock back a beer he paid for and bid them a good night by saying “well enjoying having his wrinkly balls hitting your arse tonight.” I walk out of the bar to her yelling at me “fucking prick” and her boss saying “come back and say it to my face” Pfft whatever mate.
As I sit in this empty diner on my way back from Napier with no reception on my phone I can’t help but laugh at what happened down in Napier. It was my mates 30th and me and his mate have decided to go down there for the weekend.
Now from a shagging aspect this past weekend was shite, the only action I got was from Mrs Palmer and even she was pretty unenthused. It wasn’t as if it was from lack of trying, I was tindering a tonne of girls but everyone either had plans elsewhere or it was that time of the month.
My lucky mate Darren who had flown down from Auckland, found a hottie who was keen to meet up with him at the Sons of Zion concert. So that was us off to the Sons of Zion concert at a vineyard called The Crabtree. Now I don’t usually like New Zealand bands but these guys kicked arse, what made them sound even better was probably the thick cloud of weed smoke that encompassed the crowd. Darren eventually found his chick whom had a couple of mates with her.
Darren and me decided to go back to their place which was situated on the notorious Napier Hills (see one of my first blogs to see why they are so notorious https://tattooedmulligan.com/2014/08/26/meeting-mountain-women/) Tim wanted to get back to his Mrs so we shared a taxi with him, got off at the Napier hills and he carried onto Tamatea where he lives.
Once we got there we carried on drinking until I comatosed out on the sofa with her dog. Darren and the three girls carried on drinking until two of them went home and him and his girl went to bed. Darren and the girl started getting down and dirty sharing oral with each other, trading a blow job for a finger blast, then Darren thought ‘Fuck it, I’m going to go down on her’ which in my eyes is a cardinal sin to eat out a one night stand, but hey, everyone’s different.
So he starts going to town eating this girl as if she was a 2am bloody kebab, she begins to get wetter and wetter and louder and louder. All of a sudden she lets out a huge moan and boom she cums/pees right down his throat. I awake from my coma to the sound of Darren yakking his guts up, I wander into the toilet and see him fast down in the bowl, “you alright D man?” I ask, no reply, I then wander into her room and I can smell urine. “What happened to Darren?” I ask the girl. “I was cumming” she said in a sad voice “but my bladder was full and I ended up peeing.” EWW WHAT THE FUCK!?!?
Well Darren and me ended up getting the hell out of there and back to Tim’s as fast as we could. In the morning we broke the news to Tim and his partner while they were eating breakfast, Tim choked on a mouthful of coffee…which was more tasty than what poor Darren choked on the night before!!
If someone told me a month ago that I wouldn’t be drinking on a Saturday night but would be driving across the city catching fucking Pokemon I would of laughed in their face. That’s exactly what happened last Saturday night and to be honest I still can’t believe it.
I went for a run early on Saturday to hatch my eggs (if you walk or run in real life the Pokemon app tracks it and your Pokemon eggs hatch at 2km, 5km or 10km) I stopped off at a Pokestop and noticed a few groups hanging around. I approached one of them and began chatting about what they have caught etc. One of them looked pretty decent in the nerdy-type way with blue hair and metal rings stuck to every facet of her face. I hit it off pretty well talking about Pokemon showing her mine and her showing me hers…Pokemon that is. I eventually got her number with the promise that if I see any special Pokemon in certain areas of Tauranga I would let her know. I wanted to point to my crotch and let her know there was a special edition Charmander in there waiting to evolve but I thought better of it.
When I got home I almost immediately started texting her, all she seemed interested in was Pokemon, which was fine and I didn’t think much of it. I ended up asking her if she would like to get dinner and go on a Pokemon hunt. I picked her up and she politely demanded we only eat at a place right next to a Pokestop or Gym. I found a nice pub but it was too far away from a Pokestop, so back in the fucking car and off to find another one. I drove all over town until I found one in a suburb called Greerton. She made sure to test that the Pokestop was close enough, gave the approving yes, and I ordered myself a jug of well deserved beer. Over dinner all she did was constantly check her phone for Pokemon, I knew this was what the date was all about…but fuck me lets get drunk and get naked!
Dinner was pretty non eventful apart from her yelling out “Fuck sake not an Eevee!!” The whole pub turned to look at her as she raged out loud about a Pokemon egg that just bloody hatched.
After dinner she suggested we go down to the local hook up spot down by the water at memorial park. ‘Fuck yes’ I thought – time for my Charmander in my pants to evolve. When we parked up I was about to lean in for a kiss when she yelled out “Yay we are by the water. We can catch water type Pokemon!!” Ugh for fuck sake I just wanted to grab her phone off her, but keeping my calm I played along pretending to be into it too.
After about 10 minutes a car pulls up beside us. Three dodgy looking characters get out and begin to knock on my car door. “Can I see your Pokemon bro” the hooded lad says. “Lets get the fuck outta here” says my now spooked date. I start the car and take off leaving the three hooded dudes behind.
This must have snapped the girl out of her Pokemon hypnosis as now she turned back into a normal human being and began to fucking talk! I could tell she was nervous as she wanted to go home but I was just glad she was talking.
Once we got to her house she noticed her flatmate was gone, not wanting to be alone as she was still a bit spooked she invited me in.
Well it’s safe to say she rode me like Horsea, her Jigglypuffs looked amazing. As she played with my Pokeballs I could feel myself about to Squirlte but managed not to. It wasn’t long though until I learned ‘Water Gun’ and splashed it everywhere. As I left her place I thanked her for giving me a Cubone but told her she was just another Magicarp…I was looking for a Gyarados