2017 Year Of The Backpacker

Apologies in advance if there are a lot of spelling errors, my proof reading is being a useless shit and gone on holiday. So this is an unfiltered, unedited blog, enjoy!

If there was a book for single female tourists coming to New Zealand after this summer I feel like there should be a section on me. Right next to the night life activities there should be a photo of my tattooed penis. The amount of backpackers I’ve wined, dined and obviously shagged is bloody staggering. The main culprits are the German backpackers, aside from Asian tourists I would say Germans tourists come to New Zealand in their droves. But why? are they big Lord Of The Rings/Hobbit fan boys? Well unfortunately I don’t have the bloody answer because they can’t speak sweet fuck all English. But I guess they don’t make me wear a Gollum mask or tell me to “fuck me hobbit man” so I guess we can rule the fan boy theory possibly.

Come to think of it I should actually start my own tour guide business as the amount of times I have taken backpackers on hikes up Mount Maunganui is fucking staggering. I have to pretend I actually enjoy it too, like “wow such a nice view, I haven’t been up here in ages’ total bullshit.

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This last week I had been chatting up this chick from the Czech Republic. To make me one step a head of all the other horny Kiwi dudes on tinder I actually study the country and learn a few simple words. A bit of bloody research before meeting a European beauty can go along way. I do this to all the foreign hotties I meet and they fucking love it! It’s almost a sign of respect in their eyes that someone has taken the time to actually show an interest in where they come from and doesn’t just wanna get in their pants. Just such a gentleman is I 😉😉😉😜

Now this Czech girl oh my god what a stunner and was as honest as the day is long (most European are to be honest) After we played the age old tradition of hide the sausage, she rolled off me and before I could pretend and say “wow that was great” she said “well that was pretty average!” Bloody hell I thought, I was kinda thinking that but dam I would never say it. But don’t worry we ended up doing it again and I got her moaning saying she loves it whilst I spelt the alphabet out with my tongue on her vag. Good Times Good Times!

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One Night Stand Tips

I thought I would write a blog on tips to getting a one night stand, and what to do when you have one. Being the self proclaimed Kiwi Cassanova (Just thought that up now :p) I thought I would share my tips on one night stands and how to keep them as just that.

Firstly getting ready to go to town; instead of using wax or gel in my hair I wash it and put lube through it. Yes you heard that right, i style my hair with KY jelly lubrication. When you get back to a girls house the last thing you want is a dry vagina, and instead of having to bring a bottle of bloody lube into town I came up with the brilliant idea of putting it through my hair, and it works a treat!

If you are really just looking for a tap and gap and don’t really want it going anywhere past a one night slam, I mean stand, don’t make it the best sex of her life. Be selfish, if she gives you oral don’t give it back! Finish early, don’t pace yourself just do the ol’ five minute job. I even make the comment sometimes saying “whoa I bet my best time” This will make her think “what the fuck?! This is his best time, jesus”. These things will definitely make it hard for her to ask for your number and if she does just give her your mates number. I have my mates number lodged into my brain.

If you really like the girl your taking home now thats a different story! It seems easier to make a girl not want to see you again than want to, and it takes alot of ground work. Be interested in what they are talking about, once you have them in bed make it the best sex they have ever had! Oral, different moves, caressing there face while kissing them. Making it as intimate as possible will practically make them cough up there phone number right after sex, if they don’t you have done something wrong.

Well thats it from me, if you ever see me in town don’t touch the hair unless you want a handful of lube to go!

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