Sleeping With A Celebrity

Before I start this story, I used to think that this was such an achievement and I would constantly brag about it to my mates. But looking back celebrities are just like us just with a lot more money and ego!

My friend Luke is a doctor in Auckland and he always bugs me to go up there and drink with him, I always made excuses when he asked me as he goes to all the swanky night spots on the Viaduct. The Viaduct has all the fancy clubs and bars where all of the ‘in’ people fester. I prefer the tourist clubs that have $2 shots and $4 beers.  I finally caved in and headed up from Hamilton to his place. He had a pretty cool apartment one street off Queen Street. We started drinking at his, preloading before we got into town.  Luke was drinking top shelf whiskey mixing it himself with coke showing off how well off he is. I could care less cracking into my double brown beer cans, nothing tastes better!

He asked what I was wearing to town with half a smirk on his face. I pointed to what I was wearing a pretty nice t-shirt with jeans and white shoes.  “You can’t wear that” he chuckled. He ended up giving me one of his dress shirts, dress pants and black shoes and away we went.

We met up with a few of his doctor mates at a bar called Bubble Champagne Loungebubble. The beers were $9.50 each, luckily my mate was shouting – I defiantly wasn’t going to complain. Suddenly this chick walked in with a couple a friends, I instantly knew who she was. She was off a show here in New Zealand called Shortland Street. Now, if you’re not familiar with Shortland Street I envy you!! It’s a New Zealand prime-time soap opera centering around the “real” Shortland Street Hospital. I quickly googled her to see if she had been in any independent films that the average Shortland Street fan wouldn’t really know about.  I had already got my drunken swagger on so I decided to go say hi. “Hi!” I yelled at her “I think your pretty awesome” she was pretty drunk or wasted herself she hugged me and said “thanks so much”  I continued and said ” I thought you portrayed your character in that film you were recently in really well” . She was surprised that I had seen it as it hadn’t got a theatrical release in cinemas as was one of those independant films. I continued to stroke her ego like this for the next half hour.

Finally my mate Luke came over and asked if we were going to our next bar, I asked her if she would like to come and she said yes. I was nervous with excitement. I quickly transferred $200 from my savings hoping that this could buy at least two bloody beers at the next place. It was going off at the next club; I think it was called Kermadec, or something like. I quickly got us shots and we continued talking. She suddenly asked what I did for work with no hesitation I blurted out tattoo artist. She totally dug that thank god. We started dancing and soon we began kissing. She asked where I was staying and I said just around the corner. I asked if she wanted to come back she nodded and gave a cheeky smile. I grabbed the keys of Luke and off we staggered.

We got to Luke’s and started kissing, she was so self-conscious though about taking her top off, I began to stroke her ego like I had done earlier. She loosened up and away we went. She asked if I could call her by her character’s name on off the movie she was in, fuck! I couldn’t remember it so I said ‘no no I wanna calll you by your Shortland Street chacter” she nodded. The sex was great apart from her calling me daddy which I found kinda creepy. Afterwards she needed to catch up with her friends by this stage it was about 1am so she left leaving me with her number. On her way out I said to her -“you know that Shortland Street you’re on?”  “Yeah?” she said “It’s a load of crap aye” I said laughing. I could see the anger in her face “um no its not!” she said and she slammed the door and that was that. So that was my experience sleeping with a famous person, nothing overly exciting but something funny to tell the mates about.

Seduced by a Cougar and everything in between

Me, Tim and Hanz had been saving for a trip to Sydney for a while. There was a special deal going with Jetstar so we snapped up three tickets. We were getting so excited, three eighteen year old single boys going to party for a week in Sydney. As we got to the airport Tim confessed he was scared about flying, me and Hanz just played it off as a bit of a joke. We got through customs without a problem and brought 2 bottles of spirits each. As we waited for the plane I noticed Tim was really fidgety and couldn’t sit still, I didn’t say anything but I sure noticed it. We boarded the plane and as we sat there, the plane started its engine. I looked at Tim and he had his head in his hands. Me and Hanz were cracking up. As the plane took off Tim let out a slight whimper and started freaking out, we eventually calmed him down with some vodka. Poor guy was all sweaty and everything.

As we stepped out of the airport the intense heat hit me like a Mack truck, it was early September and it was so hot. We made our way to our motel which was right in the centre of china town. We immediately started to get ready to go out that night. We headed out to Kings Cross, a notorious part of Sydney made famous on the television show ‘Underbelly’. It was awesome and we went to a nightclub called ‘Candy’s Apartment’, it was pumping. Hanz was the first to hook up with someone followed closely by me. Tim was far too drunk, he had continued drinking after he had got off the plane. We ended up in Porky’s Nite Spot, Porky’s is part of the seedy side of Kings Cross and is famous for being one of those classic sleazy neon-lit titty joints. We sat in complete shock, there were titties sydney-party-porkysnitespoteverywhere. Being young and naïve we got hustled for our money pretty good by the strippers. Tim went all out tipping them, getting a private lap dance. He was completely in his element. Eventually we all got so worked up we had no choice but to go visit the local brothel. I couldn’t bring myself to pay for sex so I stayed in the waiting room. Tim and Hanz wanted the same girl so they decided to pay a bit extra to have a threesome with her. I waited for half an hour, they finally reappeared, Tim smiling from ear to ear and Hanz couldn’t stop laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he told me after he was done Tim went down on the prostitute. You don’t go down on a one night stand let alone a prostitute. It got worse though, she was just finishing her shift for the night so god knows how many other client’s she had had that night. Tim didn’t seem to care until the next morning where he was throwing up, regretting every single moment of it. I would have too if I had spent $600 Australian on strippers and a prostitute.

We did all the touristy things in Sydney. We caught two rugby league games which was probably the highlight of the whole trip. The atmosphere was incredible. We got to watch one quarter final game and one semi-final game at the Sydney football Stadium. The crowd is so passionate over there; I immediately a die-hard supporter after being in that crowd. I now live and breathe South Sydney Rabbitohs. tattoorabbitWe decided to get tattoos when we were out one night. I got the south Sydney mascot tattooed on my arm, a little bunny.


The last night of our trip we decided to to go out in style. We all had about a grand left so we went and brought suits. We went to the swanky posh night clubs that night. Hanz and Tim where giving me heaps because I was yet to sleep with someone. Suddenly this 40 something year old approached me and brought me a drink. Her name was Vanessa, she was a posh sophisticated women. She had long luscious blonde hair and unforgivingly blue eyes that felt as if they looked deep into mysoul.  Vanessa was a television producer for channel nine over there. Not to be out done I told her I was a song writer, she loved it. I could feel my mates envious eyes burning a hole in my head, I played it cool though. Vanessa invited me back to her apartment. She lived at the Sheraton, it was so flash, her room was on the 10th floor and had a great view. She showed me her boob job which looked amazing. We sat and cuddled for a while. I asked her why she didn’t have a boyfriend and she told me her husband had passed away several years ago and, although she occasionally went out, it always turned out to be disappointing. I started to get up and leave as I started to feel uncomfortable when she suddenly blurted out “Sean, I really like sex”. Somewhat startled by her remark, I sat back down and the only thing I could think of to say was “I really like sex too” She got up from her chair and came over to the couch where I was sitting. Kneeling with her legs outside of mine, she leant down and our lips met in a very tender kiss. Pulling back slightly she said “Would you like to have sex with me”? A slight smile came over my face. “Does that mean yes?” she whispered. I answered her question by pulling her forward to me,  kissing her as passionately as an eighteen year old could. For 10 minutes we had amazing sex. I could bullshit and say 20 minutes but it wasn’t 😛 .  Her screams of ecstasy drove me faster and faster. The only weird thing was I think she thought she was in a porno as she was saying some really porn-like sayings along the lines of: “I need you, Sean. Fuck me, baby.” And even “God, I love young cock” I tried so hard not to laugh as I don’t find it a turn on when girls talk dirty I find it slightly put on . In the end I couldn’t contain myself any longer an burst out in laughter but so did she. I had a great time and Vanessa did too . . . I hope. I got back to the hotel at 9 the next morning, my mates waiting for me to dish the dirt. I got the typical macho man type hi fives all around. This trip was amazing we had finally become men that didn’t need to rely on their parents, we talked about doing another one as soon as possible but it never eventuated as soon I got a girlfriend, Tim got a girl pregnant and Hanz fell of the face of the earth for several years.