Sleeping with a Gang Memebers Daughter

Ok if you think a girl’s hot but her Dad’s an active senior member of a gang DO NOT MESSAGE HER! I wish this could be the end of the blog and I could say that’s exactly what I did; but as I sit her typing this up I’m nursing two black eyes and a suspected broken nose.

Now to be fair, at the beginning when I began messaging this beautiful 20-something-year-old girl, I had no idea of her gang ties. As we got talking she mentioned her dad was in one of the local gangs. Umm what the fuck do I say to that? Well I say like any dork would, “Oh he must have a sweet motorbike.”

I should’ve left it at that, said have a nice life and fucking RUN but no I continued to flirt with her and eventually organised to meet her.

I drove over to her house to pick her up, I didn’t know she lived with her parents but when I pulled up a Harley was parked in the drive way “Here x” I texted her. “Umm this is awk but dad wants to meet you, can you come say hi xxx?” was her reply. Fuck I thought. I nervously approach the door and am met by this huge mammoth of a man. “Hi there mate, here to pick Ashley up” I stammer, I extend my hand to shake his, he doesn’t shake mine, instead he looks around and says in a deep booming voice “Ashley your boy’s here.”

We go for dinner at a local restaurant which was nice, Ashley seemed pretty straight up, honest and quite frankly fairly rude which was a bit intimidating to me as I’m used to shy girls who open up after a couple of drinks. Not Ashley. She was loud and rude to the waitress. When our dinner turned up she grunted, looked at the waitress and said “about time.”

After dinner I should’ve made an excuse that something had come up and dropped her home but no. Thinking with my other head I invite her back to mine and we shag. The sex was good but definitely not worth what was yet to come.

Knowing pretty much from the get-go that I couldn’t see myself in a relationship with Ashley, the days following that night I completely blanked her, ignoring her messages, not opening her snaps, just being complete dickhead. Well this must’ve really pissed Ashley off because on Monday as I got back from my run I noticed a Harley motorbike parked outside my house. Thinking it might be my petrol head neighbour’s friend I carry on walking up the drive. FUCK! As I get up my drive I see what looks like the grim fucking reaper, it’s Ashley’s dad!

“Ashley tells me you are being a fuck cunt to her” he barks at me as he walks over to me. Before I can even get two words out, he punches me in the guts instantly winding me then punches me in the nose making it explode with blood “You be nice to my baby girl, if I hear you aren’t I will be back for another chat” he says as he walks off.

After profusely apologising to Ashley, she must’ve got wind that her dad didn’t actually just have a word with me as she says sorry and asks if we can be just friends. Well fuck me that is fine with me. One thing I learned from this scary experience is don’t be a dirtbag and blank a chick after you have slept with her, her dad might be a bloody gang member.

A tinder meet up

To say I am still a little shaken up from what happened on Tuesday night is an absolute bloody understatement, and sometimes saying “fuck it, just go with it” is not a great moto to live by. After getting back from a big weekend with the boys in Hamilton I did what any single, warm blooded, horny, self-obsessed male would do had a crank and then I jumped on tinder for some fun. Now, I must confess I am no Tinder virgin; I have had my fair share of girls off there so in that respect I usually have a fair idea of what I am getting myself in for. I started swiping away and I suddenly turned into this fussy prick and was swiping everything to the left, that was until I found a really hot brunette chick that was only 1km away – walking distance! I swiped right and boom I had a match. We started chatting about the usual bullshit, she seemed really natural with all the flirting and was telling me everything I wanted to hear. The only weird thing was that she admitted to having a foot fetish and asked me for a picture. So I took a photo of my hairy arse foot and she fucking loved it! I eagerly wanted to meet up but she wasn’t to sure, but after a bit of subtle convincing she agreed to meet up, but told me to keep an open mind, hmmm weird but I thought she probably just has a insecurity about something.
I grabbed her number and texted her straight away, she gave me her address where she was staying which was just down the road at the local motel. I jumped in the shower had a wash, necked back 3 beers and 4 shots and I was out the door. I was in a great cheerful mood as I made my way to the motel. I texted her when I got there and waited. After 5 minutes she replied “I’m coming out but please keep an open mind”. I waited another couple of minutes and noticed a guy had come out of one of the units. “Are you Sean” he nervously asked. Oh fuck! Its her boyfriend I thought time to fucking run, “Yeah man that’s me, are you with Candice?” I asked. “Um ok don’t be mad but um well, I am Candice” he blurted out. FUCK SAKES! What the Fucking fuck, I had just been Catfished I thought. Now if you aren’t familiar with the term catfish its when someone pretends to be someone they’re not usually using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.
“What the fuck!” I said glaring at this middle aged guy clenching my fists ready to lay the smackdown on him. “Sorry, please please hear me out, I have an offer for you, please just hear me out” he pleaded “What is it!” I demanded. “Ok sorry I know I am not Candice, and I normally wouldn’t meet up with anyone I would just string them along on tinder, but your feet are just amazing I have a offer for you” he said looking at me, “Oh great your a guy with a foot fetish” I said shaking my head. “Yes yes i am, now if you let me take a few photos of your feet I will give you five hundred dollars cash” he said pulling out five one hundred dollars notes. I stood there for a moment puzzled, what the hell do I do? I wasn’t sure what to say, “um I’m not sure mate, this is messed up” I managed say. He looked at me while his hand was busy in his pocket. “Ok I have 6 hundred dollars, that’s my last offer” he said. What the hell should i do? I stood there a moment thinking and thinking then said “Let me have the money first and you have a deal” with caution in my voice. “No problem” he said handing over the cash. With that he invited me in. The first thing I noticed was a very expensive camera set up on a tripod, the second thing that caught my eye was what looked like a dog bed which in actual fact it probably bloody was. “Ohh k so how should we do this?” I nervously asked. He smiled and replied “If you could take your shoes off and give them a rinse in the shower while I will set up the camera. As I cleaned my feet I felt as if I was an innocent Anastasia Steele about to get shown the red room of pain by Christian Grey, what the fuck am I doing.
As I walked out of the bathroom he gasped “oh my god! those are lovely feet!” I looked down at my feet and back up at him, this guy is odd. He told me he would like me to sit on the bed and to put my feet into the dog bed which had been customised with a pink silky cloth sewn into it. He offered me a beer which I gladly accepted. “Let us begin” he smiled. He made me do all these weird poses with my feet, putting one on top of the other, scrunching them up and putting these creepy rings on them. With every photo taken he seemed to get more excited. I noticed he was kind of sweating, this guy is fucking loving this. He then made me put my hands on my feet as if I was stroking them “oh yeah just like that” he said wiping the sweat from his forehead as he snapped away. While all of this was happening I was chugging down the beers and in my drunken state of mind I had what I thought was a good idea. Thinking to myself wondered how much more cash he would give me if I let this prick lick my feet, fuck it i’ll ask him”. “How much would you consider paying if I let you lick these bad boys?” I questioned. “Oh my, would you let me do that, ok ok ok I will check my account. After a few moments of checking his bank he replied; “I could give you five more hundred”. Not to sell my feet short I paused and pretended I wasn’t sure if I was guna take it, then I said “deal”.
I finished all the beers in his mini bar fridge while he went and got the money out, what the fuck am I doing I thought yet again. He came back with the cash and gladly handed it over. “Ok you have five minutes, enjoy”. Now this next five minutes were the fucking worst five minutes I have EVER experienced, getting that tattoo on my penis wasn’t as bad as this. It was as if he was giving each one of my toes a fucking blow job, he must have really liked my big toes because he was sucking the shit out of them. “This is so good” he muffled with a mouthful of toes. “Ok your five minutes are up” I said with the sound of relief in my voice. “Thank you so much, this has been an amazing night” he said smiling. “Sweet as, goodnight” and with that I got the fuck out of there, this by far was the weirdest thing I have ever done!
I don’t know what the moral is to this story as I felt so weird the next morning even though I had a pocket full of cash. I guess you could say every bad situation can turn into a good situation if you have good looking toes.




Fright Night

My mates and I decided to have a long over due catch up one weekend earlier this year. Teeps, Tim, Hanz, Darren and I all got together at my place while my flatmates were away. I lite a bonfire in the backyard in a steel bin I had pinched from work for the weekend. We shared stories and tales of our adventures in the world. Teeps had just gotten back from Scotland; he had shaved all his hair off because he was going bald. I remember thinking shit we are only twenty six and he’s already bald, poor guy. They decided it was time for me to get back on the shaggin’ wagon, so off to town we went. Now if you have been to town in Tauranga you will know how shit house it is. Once upon a time it used to pump. Grumpy Mole, Buddha Lounge, Coyote these bars were part of the foundation that made Tauranga night life special. Sadly all have closed now.

When we arrived Teeps asked where all the clubs are. Well to be honest there’s only a certain one that goes off now and it’s the Bahama Hut. So into the Bahama Hut we went. I ended up pulling a girl which was such an ego booster because this was my first girl since I had been dumped. It made it so much sweeter because none of my mates did. I took her back to my house, my flatmate had a sweet king size bed so we shacked up in there. I completely forgot about my tattoo on my penis. It was still lumpy, it had pretty much healed but the tattoo was still raised and looked yuck. We started kissing passionately, before I knew it she was going down on me. All I remember in my drunken state was the girl asked why the hell does it feel lumpy for. I immediately started to panicked as I had completely forgotten to mention my tattoo on my penis. Before I could explain she whipped the lights on and my penis was exposed in all its tattooed glory. Her eyes went as wide as two bowling balls and she let out a shrill scream. As fast as a ninja her clothes were back on and she was gone before I could even explain it was just a tattoo