I Have A Girlfriend… Had

3 days have passed and I’m still feeling sick to my stomach. No it wasn’t the result of drugs, pills or dodgy sex; I got dumped. Yes I had a girlfriend for three whole weeks, the longest relationship I’ve been in for a long, long time.

It all began when I met this girl over in Scotland back in August. We had kept in contact ever since with her eventually flying to New Zealand to be with me. For the first week or so everything was amazing, the sex? AMAZING, everything you could dream of, blowjobs, toys, biting and even the odd finger up the bum. The second week, well fuck me, if you have ever thought someone has a different personality when they drink, think that but times a hundred.

The first night of meeting Jen’s drunk personality happened at the local fishing club. Every second week me and the boys go to the local fishing club for a catch-up and to participate in quiz night. Jen got shit-faced quickly and began loudly asking to suck my penis in front of all the other teams. My mates were looking at me wondering who the fuck was this girl I had invited?

She then attempted to take my penis out of my pants and suck it in front of the place. Now, take into account there were families there, this was fucked. I put this night down to her being nervous but two nights later shit was inexcusable – although surely just this would’ve been to most people.

So the dreadful night was finally here, my mates were having a party at their house, what a perfect time for them to meet my new girlfriend Jen I thought. We go to their place and everyone was having a good time, drinking beers, listening to music and dancing.

We all then decided to head to town, at this point I noticed Jen’s drunken alter ego was coming out as she let me finger bang her in the taxi on the way to town, something her sober self would detest. We went to the local bar club called The Mellick, the live band was pumping. Jen was being social, talking to a couple while the rest of us were enjoying the band. I went to get us a drink and turned around just in time to see Jen leaving with the couple! “Where you going babe?” I said, thinking maybe she’s just going outside for a ciggie. “Going back to their place for a threesome” she said bluntly. Ya fucking what?! Before I could stop her, she was in the taxi and on her way home with them.

That night for me was the lowest of lows, wasn’t I good enough? Is she actually having a threesome? What the fuck just happened? Am I dreaming? Well most of those questions got answered in the morning when she finally answered her phone “oh my god Sean, I am so

sorry” she messaged.

She went on to admit she had slept with the couple and tried to make me believe she regretted it.

Well suffice to say we broke up after that night and she was on her way back to where she came from. That’s me done with relationships for the foreseeable future, that really gave me self doubt about myself and make me question a lot of things. Time to get back to tinder, shagging and making music, bring on the summer!

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Every Rose Has Its Thorn 

A lot can happen in a week. Feelings can develop, friendships can blossom and in some bloody odd cases; popcorn can be thrown. Now retracing my steps from last weeks blog, Kate told me she loved me whilst shagging and then again the next day. Following some good advice from some twitter tweeps (is that what their called?). I talked her feelings through and found out she had been in an abusive relationship recently where her partner didn’t treat her well, and then meeting me she said I treated her like a queen. So I worked out that she didn’t actually love me, she just loved how I had made her feel. 
Moving forward to this week, we had an awesome weekend with her staying at my house exploring each others bodies through epic shagging sessions that lasted what seemed like hours (in reality it probably lasted a good 10 minutes). One thing she mastered was whilst she was on top in cowgirl she could turn around into reverse cowgirl without my doodle falling out, fucking amazing! 

So on Monday and Tuesday night I was in Hamilton on a work do so I couldn’t see Kate. Although we would be texting constantly until Tuesday night when I didn’t hear from her apart from the shitty “nite hun x” bullshitty text. Now Wednesday comes along and off to the movies we go to watch that Paranormal Activity 3D. Thinking that everything was good between us I rip a hole in the bottom of the popcorn and stick my penis through it. Chuckling away to myself I think “man I can’t wait till she reaches for some popcorn and grabs my salted penis”. 30 minutes go by and she hasn’t touched the popcorn nor is she watching the movie, shes on her phone. The bright light of of her screen is annoying the shit out of me so I decide to glance over at her, moving my eyes under my 3D glasses looking at her phone to see whats so important. I see she is in her messages and notice she is texting “Chaz”. Wait a minute her ex’s name is Chaz. My heart sunk as I began reading along to what she was saying. “Can I see you tonight, keen for pipe time” was a message I made out that he had said. Hoping to god she was going to say something like “get lost dickhead”. I watched on as she said “maybe later, text you after xx.” Well my sadness turned to rage, as this was the girl that was going on about how much of a prick this guy was and how abusive he had been towards her, fuck sake what is she doing. I looked down and noticed my dick was still in the popcorn, now I’m no saint and already regret this but I decide to pee on the popcorn a little. Without her knowing it I grabbed the napkins I had gotten with my ice cream wiped the excess wee off me and once the credits started rolling I said “I see you have been texting fucking Chaz, you two deserve each other” and with that I dumped the pee soaked popcorn over her head.

Well since then I have only had two texts which happened to be right after I walked out of the movies by myself. Firstly one to say “I’m sorry Sean” quickly followed by “did you fucking pee on this popcorn you sick fucking fuck” to which I said “Well its a lot better then the p your’re obviously going to smoke with Chaz tonight, goodbye Kate.”

So yeah that wraps up my time with Kate, onwards and upwards for me. 

The Morally Wrong Date Recap

Well yesterday I decided to do another Mulligan Live Date tweet session. This would be my third one and to be honest I wanted to do something a little different. Instead of what could be a potentially boring as shite date with boring arse tweets about how great the food is, I wanted to do something a little mean. 12212134_10206988755909243_2033046877_nThat’s where the idea of doing a morally wrong date came up, now I can’t take all the credit for this as my flatmate helped me come up with it and also set me up with one of her friends for a blind date, what a mean friend, great flatmate though!

Anyway here is the recap of the Morally Wrong Date I went on and tweeted about last night enjoy! 12204646_10206988757349279_206653240_n

So we had agreed over text to meet at 6pm at the Pizza Library, so
my first morally wrong act was to turn up late . . twenty odd minutes late. Walking up to her car she didn’t look impressed at all

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We headed into the Pizza Library to order our meals, we ordered one of the huge American style pizzas and I get a beer. When it’s time to pay I haven’t got my wallet on me (morally wrong act number 2) Looking embarrassed she insists she will pay. At this stage I was feeling like a dick and was getting it on social media being called a bully and mean ( I’m really not).

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Now the next thing to do throughout the whole date was to make no conversation, give one word answers and be on my phone the whole time.10575918_10206988757829291_198506399_n I started feeling awful around the time the pizza came out, this was clearly a lovely girl and she was trying so hard to talk to me. After what seemed like a good half an hour I jumped on tinder deliberately and made sure she saw it and fuck me she snapped!! She started having a go at me and while she was I was tweeting the whole conversation . . . until I got a little bit wet.

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She started getting up to leave and I had to bring her in on the secret, at first she didn’t believe me but luckily I had told my flatmate to DM her on Facebook to say it was just a social experiment I was doing on twitter (Social experiment?! fuck me my flatmate made it sound bloody awesome). She laughed and said I was an A hole. We then had a proper date with me buying dessert and then we set off to the pub.

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We had such a good time at the pub with her looking through my twitter feed laughing at all my tweets about our date. 9After sinking about half a dozen beers each (yes she drinks beer! dream girl) she put her hand on mine and suggested I tweet about that which of course I did. Things got a lot steamier from there onwards, we shared a few kisses on the empty balcony at which point I asked her if she wanted to come back to mine for a movie and to my amazement she said yes. This date had come full circle which was a big relief to me as she is such a cool chick.

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Well we got into about a third of the movie in the spooning cuddle p12osition and you know what they say about spooning, it leads to a bloody good forking and that it did! She spent the night at my place with the only downside being that she snored the house down.

Well that was the recap of the morally wrong date, hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did – T Mulligan

Floppy Joe

Well what a shockingly embarrassing type of weekend I have just had. I got two perfect opportunities to get with two different (fairly) attractive chicks but for reasons which I will explain; I completely cocked it up!
I think I put a hex on myself because before the weekend had even started, I tweeted the magic eight ball asking it ‘If I am going to get lucky this weekend’ and its wise response was ‘this is an easy one to answer, no way’. Fuck my life! Way to boost a guys confidence Mr. Eightball. Not letting that deter me I cracked on. Before heading out on Friday I had my pre going-out wank, in the hopes that if I slept with a girl it would build my stamina; making the sex last longer if it happened. It’s all about strategy. 😉 

On Friday I met up with a 38 year old I had been talking to on tinder, she immediately gave me a hug and sniffed my neck, “Hugo Boss? yummy” she giggled. I could tell this chick was already pretty lit, I needed to catch up. While she was in the toilet I brought a line of tequila and necked back 4 of them just in time for her to come out of the toilet. “I brought us a shot each” I said trying not to hurl up the last four I had just downed. “Oh you’re so lovely, come here” she smiled, and thats all it took we were making out in the middle of this half empty bar. The poor bartender looked sickened shaking his head as he collected my empty shot glasses. It wasn’t long till she asked if I would like to come back to her apartment and off we went. Things got hot and heavy as soon as we got there, she threw me on the bed and proceeded to do a drunk strip show. Now by this stage you would think I would be rocking a tent pole, but no such fucking luck. I begin slapping it around as if to wake it up ‘come on lil buddy!’ I thought. Still nothing. She crept on top of me “ughh I can’t get it up” I say with a sigh. “Don’t worry, I will” she said with a smile. She put it in her mouth and usually by this stage my small breakfast sausage would evolve into a freaking frankfurter but no, nothing happened. Fuck sakes! She even tried a cheeky finger in the bum (her idea not mine) but to no avail. This droopy penis was fast asleep. I counted my loses and called it a night.

Roll on Saturday night and it was all on again, after cutting some shapes on the dance floor I bumped into an old friend at the bar. She had won a $250 bar tab and was struggling to get through it. She begged me to help her, I happily obliged. We head back to my place at about 3am, we were kissing in the taxi and all I could think of was if my lil buddy would stand to attention for me tonight. We got out of the taxi just in time for me to chunder everywhere, I was wasted. We staggered into my bed and began trying to get it on. Now, picture trying to play a game of pool with a fucking rope, it just doesn’t work!! Fuckkkkkk.

What a shitty shit shit weekend that was. This coming weekend there will definitely be no pre going-out wanks….or huge bar tabs to go through. Lessons learnt 😞   

Enough to drink

How do you know when you have had enough to drink in a night? Throwing up? Passing out? Getting breath tested? These are the common ways that normal people would know when enough is enough. Fortunately for you readers I’m not a normal guy, as much as I make out I am. I get myself into some fucked up situations.

I hate going into town when it’s one of those nights that every girl just seems uninterested, my ego takes a hammering and I just feel like going home to have a cry-wank combo. That was until I become a gold member on an NZ Dating website. I couldn’t help it, I love sex. I would go onto the website, change the preferences to Sexual meetings and just go for it. So this time when town was sucking I went to the toilet in The Outback night club in Hamilton, closed the door and sat in the toilet making it my sex office while I prepared to arrange a booty call. At this stage on a Saturday night the NZ dating site was thriving with traffic with all the solo mums on it looking for a chat, or in a lot of cases, a quick shag. I found one girl that was online but I didn’t have enough battery on my phone to exchange pleasantries so I immediately asked her if she wanted a shag. For a girl that’s 25 with the username HotWetANDReady it took a bloody lot of convincing to meet up! Finally she caved after I sent her a penis picture, I told her where I was and she promised to come pick me up.

At this stage my mood had perked up, as I walked out of the toilet I bumped into my mates whom were partaking in a yardy competition. I had to get involved! We went outside of the club where it had become a bit of a spectacle. They gave me a huge yard glass full of beer mixed with straight vodka. I smashed it; we continued to drink for what seemed an hour.yardyyy  Shit, I had completely forgotten about the NZ dating girl, I checked my phone and luckily she had just pulled up an was waiting.

I staggered out to her, completely out of it. Looking back I don’t know why she let me in her car, I must of looked like a complete write off but she did and after an awkward hello we headed back to her place.  It was all a big blur from here, I remember her asking me if I had a condom which I didn’t and neither did she, which mustn’t have mattered because we got straight into having sex.  I remember attempting doggy style but I couldn’t hold myself up I was far too drunk. So I just lay there and let her go for it. By this point all that alcohol I had downed from the yardy had made its way down into my bladder. She was still on top of me and suddenly I thought I was going to cum “I’m not sure if I’m gonna cum or piss” I said, She said “what’s that?” TOO LATE it’s piss!!!  I began relieving myself right there inside her.  She quickly realised that’s too much fluid to be cum, “WHAT THE FUCK!” she screamed as she got off me but I couldn’t stop. Urine continued to come out everywhere all over the bed. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry I don’t know what’s happening” I say. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”  She screams. I quickly grab my clothes, not even putting my pants on and I take off. I had no idea what suburb I was in so I staggered to the end of the street to see what the street sign said. Luckily I was only one suburb away from where I was living. I woke up to about 20 messages from her in pure rage threatening to get her brother onto me or what not; I can’t blame her that was so disgusting of me. I had already said sorry to her so I just text back “does your brother want to get pissed in too!!?”

And that’s when I knew I had enough to drink; I relived myself in someone.  Safe to say I haven’t had a yardy since.

That’s it from me till next Monday, hope you all enjoyed it. Remember, Play hard and shag harder!!

Ps Buy a Tattooed Mulligan T shirt 😉 http://www.prowrestlingtees.com/related/tatooed-opinion-1/tattooed-for-love.html

Meeting Mountain Women

I decided to go on a holiday down to Napier. The Taupo-Napier Gorge is a hard drive especially in winter. The corners are unforgivingly sharp, mix that in with black ice and you have a recipe for some dangerous terrain. Driving down this time I was super tired and I was mucking around on my phone texting. I totally misjudged one corner going far too fast. I hit the brakes but slid off the road. I ended up in a paddock with luckily only a bloodied nose from smashing it on the steering wheel. Thank god for AA roadside rescue but what a waste of a day – it took 3 hours to get the car out of the paddock. Nothing was too wrong with it surprisingly and the AA guy said to take it to the garage immediately when I get to Napier. Yeah right, I thought. I’m getting on the piss!

I eventually made it down to Tim’s with my car looking a bit worse for wear. Tim had begun seeing a girl so he promised to be my wing-man when we went out so we decided to gear up for a big night. We went to the local Liquor Land bottle store to get some beer, the indian behind the counter looked exactly the same as the guy in the Hamilton and the Tauranga one – in fact I’m certain it’s the same guy!   We got back to Tim’s and I started chatting with someone off NZ dating which is a New Zealand dating site. So before we went to the clubs I thought we might as well go and meet this girl and her aunty. They lived up on the Napier Hill and before we arrived there me and Tim joked and said they would be simple mountain people, imagine dwarf’s off Lord of the Rings that had been raised in west Auckland then moved to a mountain. Well when we met them that’s definitely what they were.images4WKT5AUR They were already skin full of liquor, downing straight vodka. There were no pre mixed drinks for these dwarfs. As we walked through the door a strong stench of cigarettes and cat piss engulfed my nostrils, I could barely breathe. While Tim chatted with the aunty I went to the nieces room. There was no chit chat needed she knew what she wanted and we got it on, that’s all she wanted as after we finished she simply said ‘You can leave now’. Damn, I felt like a piece of meat and I kinda felt sad almost. I got changed and went back to see Tim. The Aunty causally asked me “is she done with you?” I nodded. She then asked if I was ready for round two with her! “No thanks’ I said. She then told us to leave and that was that’s.  These mountain folk are a weird bunch I thought with a smirk!