Mully vs. Australian Rugby Girls

First off I have to say UP! UP! Cronulla. What an amazing game that was to see live, as the final whistle blew the excitement and noise in the stadium was off the charts! This isn’t a footy blog so that’s enough about that. This is the next instalment of Mully Dates. Unfortunately having ran out of data I couldn’t live tweet it out but not to worry I took notes.

After flying into Sydney and getting patted down by ozzy boarder security it was off to Kings Cross for a well-deserved beer. After pub hoping for a bit me and the boys spotted the perfect pub. There were about a good 30-40 girls all dressed up as maids, policewomen etc. and no guys?! WTF. I asked one of them where all the penises were. “We’re on a double hen’s night” one of them replied in a thick ozzy accent. “So why are you guys drinking at this seedy place?” I asked. With a smirk she replied “upstairs is a male strip club mate”. Well fuck me dead I had found the perfect place to pick up girls, the fucking holy-grail!! The girls went up to the strippers, got themselves all bloody hot and heavy and ol’ mully waited downstairs to swoop in! Well the first horde of girls went up and half an hour later came down but scurried off into the night “fuck sake!” I thought. I asked the bartender if there was another show later on. Luckily another show was scheduled in an hours’ time.

After a few more beers the next horde of ladies came into the bar, these ones were noticeably fit with muscly legs bulging out. “Fuck it’s a bunch of cross fit muppets’’ I thought. But after chatting to them they revealed that they played rugby league, nice! All these beers had me in dire need to drain my vain, so I headed into the toilet but, just like a fucking league game, I got intercepted by two of the big beefy girls. They shoved me into the ladies toilet and began giving me the best bj I have ever bloody had, they sucked my balls better than any fucking vacuum cleaner ever has! Wanting to obviously get their end away after the strip show the big girls grabbed me and basically tackled me into a taxi “We’re going back to our room big boy” the biggest one scoffed. Once we got back to their room, they threw me onto the bed and begun getting unchanged. What happened next was a fucked up mixture between sex and a game of footy. They grabbed my willy as if it was a fucking gear shift, shoving it between their legs, once one thought the other girl had had enough of a turn on it she shoved her off and sat on it. This carried on for a good 40 minutes until I was drenched in ozzy girl slime. I bid them a good night saying I had to get back to my mates but these fuckers wouldn’t let me leave, tackling me back onto the saturated bed for round two! I eventually got away and back to where I was staying thankfully with only minimum bruising. Those ozzy girls like sex like they love their footy; sweaty and rough as fuck!

 

No Luck Mulligan

Before I start the blog, three things I learnt this past weekend are:

  • Ponsonby girls think their shit don’t stink
  • Don’t mix drinks. Just don’t.
  • Flush the fucking toilet if you’re going to pass out on it.

Anyway, this past weekend I headed up to Auckland for the NRL Nines. An awesome two-day tournament that is held annually which kicks off the footy season for the year. As I woke up on Saturday morning I felt this rush of excitement come over me realizing it was time for a road trip. My mates turned up around 8am with boxes of beer on the ute, “It’s beer O’clock mully” one shouted smiling handing me a beer. By the time we got up to Auckland me and the boys were already feeling pretty merry. As we head to find our seats I see a number of people dressed up in some pretty cool costumes like The T Birds off Grease, Hulk Hogan, Power Rangers and my favorite – the hot nurses. Unfortunately, I didn’t end up dressing up because the lot I was with didn’t want to which pissed me off, looking back now I should have just dressed up anyway. After my second round of 4 beers for myself I decided to go for a wonder, I ended up at the merchandise tent being served by this banging Australian chick. She was really nice and in my drunken state I could have bloody sworn she was flirting with me. While the eftpos machine was processing my payment for $120 worth of merchandise I asked for her number. Thinking about this now makes me fucking cringe as it must have been so awkward for this sober chick just trying to do her job. Looking up at me from the eftpos machine she says loudly “sorry I have a boyfriend”. Everyone around me looks at me as I grab my gears and sadly walk back to my seat embarrassed as hell.

Not letting this deter me I began sniffing around the stadium like a dog on heat with not much luck. At one point I started chatting to a girl who decided to tell me after I had brought her a beer that she had a bloody boyfriend who was finishing work to meet her there, fuck! Tinder time! As you can see by this tweet I did https://twitter.com/mullied/status/695808476920963072  I was on a massive swipe right/saying yes to anything in a bloody 5km radius, boom! Congratulations you have a match was the last thing I saw on my phone until it decides to go fucking flat, arhhhhhhhhh!!!

After the last game finished we ubered it back to our motel, stopping on the way to get some tequila and two dozen bourbon and cola RTD’s. We smashed them back in time to order another uber taxi into the Ponsonby clubs. Now if you haven’t been to Ponsonby clubs and think hey I might go there, FUCKING DON’T and here’s a Mulligan rant as to why. To get into this wank club called the Long room we waited half an hour in line only to be told by this complete yogi bear looking bastard that we need to make more of an effort dressing up next time but he would do us a favor and let us in this once, gee thanks! We go inside and this place is packed. I immediately make a bee line for the dance floor and begin doing my Mulligan shuffle. I look around and nobody seems interested, I start looking at the girls closer and a lot of them look like snobby bitches dancing in circles with their groups. Not being one to give up I try and dance into the groups only to be told to “get lost” what the fuck Ponsonby! Feeling sad I order some shots that cost way more than they should have. I eventually did find a 40 something year old to dance with that had a massive arse but just as things started getting physical, (I got told by my mates the next morning that I was dry humping this lady) I get grabbed by the arm by Yogi Bears fucking side kick Boo Boo telling me I was being too offensive and to please leave as I was too intoxicated. FUCK YOU PONSONBY!

I passed out at around 3.30 am after finishing our mini bar off which included wine, beers, and little beer fridge spirits. The next thing I remember is running to the toilet throwing up. It must have still been dark because my mate found me passed out lying by the toilet at 7. Spew and one of the bros poos still in the toilet. He wakes me up but not before taking a photo of the whole incident and sharing it on my Facebook. Well that was the weekend, no luck on the girl front but hey the footy was bloody excellent.12421459_10207554580854513_1356785412_n12714148_10207554581174521_1447356815_n

 

Why I Bleed Blue

Yes, before you ask I am a Kiwi. A.k.a a sheep shagger, a dole bludger, a hobbit or whatever else we are called over the ditch, but I bleed blue. Ever since I was eight years old I have been a huge supporter of the blues; which I guess is weird for a kiwi boy that should only know who the bloody all blacks are. Which for me was true until I met a boy named Steven.

It was the first day at school for the year. It was roll call time, when my name got called “Mulligan” some kids laughed, and then later the teasing started. The main culprit was a boy named Steven who was doing most of the teasing. Steve was the typical looking bully; a big fat kid that enjoyed picking on other kids just because he could. He began to tease me again at lunchtime but by this stage I had had enough. I really let him have it, blooding his nose up pretty good. We were taken to the principal’s office, but we didn’t really get into any trouble as neither of us dobbed on each other.

Steve and I quickly made up and soon became friends. We ended up playing rugby together, he would always ask if I liked the Blues to which I would say “the Auckland Blues?” he would shake his head in disgust, “Oh god no, state of origin! New South Wales mate, ask your mum if you can stay at mine tonight game one is on” Steven said with a smile. It was 1995 and I remember watching in amazement as these two rugged teams unapologetically batted and bruised each other, this was awesome! This was my first glimpse’s of Andrew Johns and Geoff Tovey – who’s half combination that night was amazing, I was hooked! that year the Blues won the series 3-0 and had gained a new fan in the process.

Later that year Steven sadly died in a tragic accident when his mother ran him over while he was on his bike, obviously not seeing him. I ended up being one of his pallbearers at his funeral, as his casket was being lowered I remember making a promise to Steven that I would never miss an Origin match ever again. To this day I have never broken that promise. I will be going out to the local pub tonight to watch game 2, as I do every year. I keep an empty seat next to me for Steven and together we watch the mighty Blues go to work. I bleed Blue.

Black Eyed Shagga 

After playing a brutal rugby tournament last Saturday which included yours truly scoring a great try, the sweet sound of beer bottles cracking open was music to my ears. After sinking at least half a dozen in the changing rooms I jumped in a mini van full of us boys and headed off to a house to continue drinking. 

Everything was going great, all us guys analysing the game we had just played, each of us trying to put our two cents in on how if we had played differently we could have won the whole tournament. Suddenly I remembered that none of them had seen my tattoo I have recently gotten of my one millionth Twitter follower which turned out to be @BieberFeverrr16, obviously a Justin Bieber fan. Well me being me and not thinking twice I begin to parade my new tattoo off to everyone. One thing that fucks me off is when your in a group of people, there is always a couple of them that ignore you when your talking or showing something, it grates on my nerves. So thinking one of the boys was deliberately ignoring me (which he bloody was!) I thrust my arm in his face “seen my new tattoo mate” and the next thing I know I’m waking up on the ground with an extremely sore face. The wanker had punched me in the face and knocked me out, I look up from the ground feeling pretty dazed and confused to a couple of the boys pushing him back and asking why he did that for. I remember him saying “I fucking hate Justin Bieber, thats the stupidest thing I have ever seen, and he put it right in my face”. I get up holding my face “what the fuck bro?” I say to him. He glanced over at me realising what he had done and suddenly became really apologetic. We managed to hug it out just before the taxi to town got there. 

With a puffed up cheek I was pretty reluctant to go to town but I thought buggar it i’ll go. Now this might be hard to believe but I got more attention from girls than ever before! “aww your poor face” “are you ok” “what happened!?” are just a few comments from girls I got at the club. Who would of thought getting whacked in the head would be such a great opener to talk to girls! Well I ended up turning a negative of getting punched in the face into a  positive by scoring a pretty nice looking chick. I shagged in her the night club toilets as she didn’t wanna ditch her friends. Funny how she said “I can’t hear you over this music, lets go in here and talk”. I can tell you right now that there wasn’t any fucking talking that took place, because when the door shut she whipped down my pants faster then I could string the sentence “what do you wanna talk about” together. 

Well thats it from this black eyed shagga, thanks so much for reading and remember when something appears to be bad it can always turn itself into some good 😊

Shit Happens (at the worst times)

Ever dabbled with pre workout supplements? Most give you a huge energy boost. People that have used them say it gives you an intense focus during training, allowing them to train harder for longer. It contains DMAA, dimethylamylamine  which increases the heart rate and is often used as a dietary fat burner. After using it I read a lot of articles about all the side effects it has and also how it had been linked to a few deaths caused by heart attacks, fuck! Anyway this is my story about using it, I wouldn’t endorse people to take it after what happened to me. After the footy season came to a close last year I decided to hit the gym hard, getting a personal trainer to give me a program was step one. Step two was to find some good supplements, which my trainer gave me advise on. Whey protein, amino caps and something I hadn’t tried people called ‘Jack3d’ pre workout. I mixed it in with my water before my workout and holy shit I haven’t worked out so hard in my life, it made my heart pump and I felt like I could do anything! I started using this shit everywhere; before workouts, rugby and even before going night clubbing. You could dance all night on this stuff which is just what I did and that is where I met my girlfriend I had for a week. I was dancing and dancing at the club, jack3d pumping through my veins and that’s when I met her, this really sporty looking chick that was dancing as hard as me. We danced the night away and exchanged numbers as the club closed at 3am, now at this stage I was hoping we would go home together but she gave me a good night kiss, hopped into a taxi and left me outside the club alone. This was going to take some ground work.

This chick was a gym bunny. Going on a date with her was a hard session at the gym, so for the next two weeks we would meet at the gym for flirty workouts. Finally she asked if I wanted to go on a marathon like run along the beach and up Mount Maunganui. I started stressing, hoping that I could keep up with her, but then I remembered I had my jack3d stuff. Still nervous I doubled the amount of the pre workout that was recommended and skulled it down. We started off jogging at a relatively easy pase, she looked smoking in her tight running pants. My stomach began to churn mid way through, thinking nothing of it we continued jogging heading towards the base of the mountain. As we headed up the mount my stomach started getting worse “keep up” she said smiling. She started striding out with her legs so without thinking I did the same, suddenly the churning in my guts violently dropped into my bowels and without warning I shit myself. “Oh my god, I’m having an accident” I yell to her as my arse continues to spray brown goo everywhere. My shorts, legs and shoes are all drenched in shit, “what the fuck Sean, gross!!” she said taking off, leaving me half way up the mount covered in shit. For the next hour I couldn’t stop shitting, it was the worst! Whatever was in this jack3d shit was unforgiving. shithappensMy stomach was extremely sore, luckily I had my phone on me and called mum to come with some fresh pants. The dried shit on my legs took some scrubbing to get off when I got home. That night I got a text saying “sorry for leaving you” which I replied back “shit happens”.

Sleeping With A Follower

“Hey thanks for the follow Tattooed Mulligan x” this was the first private message I got from one crazy crazy follower I have on twitter. It all started about a week ago, after tweeting out a funny joke I thought I would follow a few people who had favourited or retweeted the joke. Almost immediately up pops a message from a pretty attractive girl I had just followed. We did the back and forth chatting and favoriting each others posts, you know just the usual odd shit you do in this day and age to seduce someone.
We continued this for the next few days chatting and even exchanging naked selfies. After rugby training last wednesday I checked my Twitter and I had a message from her “Boo, I’m heading up from Wellington to see you xo” Sweet! Time to get back in the game I thought. After a few beers with the rugby boys at the local bar I texted her my address (bad idea) and headed home. I remembered on the way of my last hook up which turned out to be a guy posing as a girl, I really hope this one is legit. I got to my place, jumped in the shower and within moments of hoping out I heard a knock at the door, the moment of truth had arrived!
I opened the door and to my surprise she looked exactly like she was meant to! I invited her in, exchanged pleasantries, had a few drinks and then she asked “Can we have sex now?” You don’t have to asked me twice! The sex was pretty good nothing to write home about, or blog about. Afterwards we both fell asleep or so I thought, I woke up to the most fucking loud snoring, “I’m sleeping with a fucking frieght train” I thought. I jumped on my Twitter and I was shocked to see she had posted photos of herself with an asleep me to her followers (luckily she only has 200 but still). The posts read something like “sleeping with blogger Tattooed Mulligan #love” What the hell, I quietly grabbed her phone trying not to wake the freight train. Yes! No password protection, I went onto her camera roll and what I saw creeped me out, this weirdo had taken selfies with my Tattooed penis!! What the fuck! I immediately deleted them all, deleted her twitter post, woke her up and verbally threw her out of my house. Through all the commotion of kicking her out she couldn’t understand what she did wrong, laughing it off as if it wasn’t a big deal to which I replied “Maybe take a photo when i’m actually conscious would be a start” With that I slammed the door on her and went back to bed.phonecall
Since then I have blocked her on Twitter but have I have still had hundreds of texts and phone calls. Today after coming back from a run I had 13 bloody missed calls. Why aren’t there any normal girls out there???

Nrl Nines Blog

The Auckland NRL Nines are nearly here! I have had my tickets sorted for weeks. I went last year and before the first game had finished I knew without a doubt I would be coming back each year. I used to go to the Sevens but got sick of not knowing any of the players, and also the number of people that just went there to get completely drunk and cause trouble. I found at the Nines since there are league superstars in each team the crowd has more interest as to what’s going on on the field. That’s not to say its not an awesome party type atmosphere but to me it just felt more behaved.

A car load of me and my mates went up last year from Hamilton and had a great time! One thing I regret though is not getting dressed up in costumes as there were hundreds of good looking girls everywhere, and they all were asking for photos with all the guys dressed up – dammit! After day one had finished buses and buses full of party goers headed for town which was awesome because a lot of us stuck together which made it an awesome night. I met one chick that was a Roosters supporter who I gave shit to most of the night as I’m a Rabbitohs man through and through. She gave great banter back and we ended up going home together, its safe to say i made her sing glory glory to South Sydney that night!

The last day of the Nines was even better than the first, although having a huge hangover didn’t help. It still didn’t stop me enjoying what was happening on the field. The semi finals were intense and the final was fantastic. Hopefully this year the final will pit the Rabbitohs and Warriors in the final, now that would be one awesome game! The countdown is on and come Saturday the 31st of January you can bet the NRL Nines is going to be one event you can’t miss!mates

FIGHT FOR LIFE BLOG

TONIGHTS THE NIGHT!!! Its the Fight For Life Boxing event live on Sky PPV, and for the first time ever its being held in my old shagging ground Hamilton!

I have been to Fight for Life a couple of years ago when they held it in Auckland and it was awesome. If you don’t know these Fight for Life boxing events are done to raise money for charity. This year i believe its the Hospice Waikato charity.

Last time I went Christian Cullen fought my favourite league player ever – Issac Luke. There was a van load of us boys from our local rugby team that headed up. The event was awesome, top to bottom the card was stacked with awesome fights. My favourite fight of the night though had to be the womens fight between Hayley Holt and Paige Hareb. These girls slugged it out and gave it their all and the crowd went nuts! Tonights fight between Millie Elder-Holmes and Frankie Adams is going to be awesome.

After the event all us boys went to town to go clubbing. We were all pretty liquored so I decided to get the boys to give me a black eye which they reluctantly agreed too. About four of them lined up and swung away at my face. Three of them connected sweetly but the fourth guy was wasted and whacked me square in the nose. Blood started seeping out everywhere, SHIT!! I was so pissed off but I couldn’t really blame my mate though it was my own stupid idea after all. So there I was in town black eye and all. Suddenly all these girls kept coming up to me and asking if I was alright. My response was “yeah i’m fine, i’ve just been in a boxing fight earlier on”. The girls bloody loved it, was a great talking point and to be honest, it got me pretty lucky 😉

Anyway! Fight For Life is on tonight, book it on Sky PPV or come to Hamilton to watch it live. You definitely won’t be disappointed! Just if you go out in Hamilton afterwards and decide to go home with someone, wear protection. They don’t call Hamilton the chlamydia capital of New Zealand for fun! IMG_0028.JPG

How Wrestling And The Young Bucks Saved My life

It was half way through 2012 and I had just broken up with my girlfriend.  She had thrown all my stuff onto the front lawn because she had snooped onto my Facebook and seen I had been talking to a a girl – even though the girl I was talking to was my cousin in regards to my grandma’s funeral.  I tried to explain it to her, but did she believe me though? No. Her mum rang me while I was out fishing saying “um you better come home, Jess is throwing all ya gear out on the grass”. Not my playboy magazines I thought!

Everything started falling apart for me around this time. My Grandma who I was extremely close to passed, my girlfriend broke up with me and then I had transferred rugby league clubs. I struggled to fit in at the new club. These things happened all at the same time give or take a week or two. I started to get depressed badly, I could hardly eat, I wasn’t looking forward to anything and I was now living on my own so I became I recluse for a while.

Waking up in the morning I felt like just hiding in bed, not wanting to face anyone. I lost interest in all things I enjoyed like chasing woman and going to the gym. Nothing seemed to be able to fix me. That was until a package came in the mail I had ordered from the USA a month back. It was a whole bunch of wrestling dvd’s I had ordered off a website. I’ve been a big time wrestling fan since I was young.  I got the package, normally I would tear it open and begin watching but being in the state I was in I just didn’t feel like it.

Eventually I decided to open the package; I had brought a new dvd from a company I had not heard of. The Company was called Pro Wrestling Guerrilla and the event I had brought was called Threemendous 3. I began to watch it and every match I watched just kept getting better and the more entertained I was. I started to forget about my worries and was fully immersed into what I was watching.

Then came the main event it was a tag team ladder match. One of the teams in this was called the Young Bucks, Nick and Matt Jackson. They were these two cocky brothers in their mid-twenties. They were so charismatic and sure of themselves; I immediately started rooting for them to win. They reminded me a lot of myself before all this stuff had started happening to me. The ladder match was awesome; it was probably my all-time favourite match with so many amazing and unbelievable moments throughout. One being when Nick jumped off the ladder bounced off the top rope, flipped and landed on his opponent on the floor.  At the end of the dvd I had stopped worrying so much about my problems and wanted more of what I had seen!

I finally got through my depression thanks to wrestling and the Young Bucks, I began to make good mates in my new rugby team and soon began to get back on the dating scene again, everything was perfect!

Strippers and Viagra

When I was in living in Hamilton me and Toko – one of the rugby boys, decided to go to Firecats. Toko had been sleeping with one of the girls who worked there so he waved his girl over, we all started talking. Suddenly the lights went out and the DJ announced to the horny punters that the American bombshell Rebecca was about to take the stage. The sound of Britney Spears ‘Toxic’ fills my ear drums and I am immediately fixated on one of the hottest girls I had seen in ages. Her sparkling golden hair fluttered around and she had blue eyes as deep as the sea, she looked amazing. After she was finished her set she came over to say hi. I immediately started chatting her up; I noticed she had tattoos so I pretended I was a tattooist again which always seems like a sure fire way to pull girls. We really hit it off and for the rest of her shift she just talked to me. Toko’s stripper was going to come back to his place with us, so I asked Rebecca if she wanted to come back for a drink. She thought on it for what seemed like an eternity but then said she would love too, who could resist a fake tattoo artist right? Toko and I waited eagerly for them to arrive at his place; we set up one massive bed in the lounge and connected two queen bed mattresses together. It took forever for them to arrive.imagesYJGEMBN4 I popped a Viagra pill one of my rugby mates had been kind enough to give me. Finally we saw some head lights shine into the living room, I burst out of the house to see if it was them, and it was! After a few more drinks, my heart was throbbing, not from being nervous but from that bloody Viagra. We started having sex right next to Toko and his stripper. They were keen to swap partners but we weren’t. After we had finished my I felt like I was going to have a heart attack, I just lay there with my heart racing and a massive tent in my pants. Rebecca felt the tent and was pleasantly surprised saying “you’re already ready to go again?!” I honestly thought I was going to die that night, those blue pills are very powerful. I don’t recommend taking Viagra to anyone but if you do maybe try to half of one, not a bloody whole one like I did.