Road Trip Night Three Auckland

BOOM!!! No STD/STI! I’m clean. Got that great news back on Tuesday which is such a relief. All the nervous scratching down there and constant thought of “am I clean?” can finally be put to rest. If I had to make a survival kit for having a one night stand, especially with someone off tinder, it would definitely consist of a box of condoms and possibly pepper spray if that chick be crazy. (Remember hitting woman isn’t cool, but if they hitting you I bet you wish you had listened to me about buying some pepper spray!) Anyway, here is Round 3 – the final round of my weekend road trip, Auckland here I come! ;);P

I awake at my mates place in Mount Maunganui attempting to piece together what happened last night. Luckily these days I take notes and videos while I’m drunk so I can write the most accurate account of what happened, such a geek aye! At this stage its lunchtime, so it’s time to make my way up to Auckland. Still hung over I smash back a Blue powerade sports drink that usually seems to make things slightly better. I pick up my two mates from Hamilton on the way. They have already started making their way through their first box when I pick them up. My Auckland mate Azza lives in Mt Roskill in this lush two story house. As soon as we get there we are greeted by Azza with a warm smile and cold beer. We start drinking, drinking and more drinking. Soon the afternoon becomes evening and evening becomes night. The rugby league has just finished so we decide to start getting ready to hit town. I get into my routine which seems to come so naturally when I’m drunk. Hot cloth, cold cloth, face moisturizer. Hair wax, deodorant, cologne and then town clothes. Such an effort to look good! We get into town at about midnight. We spent a good hour down the viaduct which was so costly. We met these Canadian girls who suggested we follow them to Globe night club, Jesus I would follow these blonde bombshells anywhere! We headed to Globe night club which was awesome. We danced and danced with these Canadian girls even though they told us they had boyfriends. They asked what I did for a job so I pulled the “I am a tattooist” card which they thought was awesome, obviously. They told me their friend would probably like me and we should go meet her, I asked where and they said Show Girls the strip club.

“Please welcome to the stage the saucy sultry siren!!” booms the DJ and out comes the sexiest blonde girl I have seen in ages. She has a banging body and works the pole as if it was a part of her. After her routine is finished she comes over and hugs her friends. “Who are these guys?” she asks in her Canadian accent. They introduce us and quickly announce that I’m a tattooist. That’s all it took, she is suddenly all over me asking me questions, showing me her tattoos and flirting. I ordered a private lap dance off her, which cost me 150 bucks. Stuff started to get hot and heavy in the private rooms. She immediately got naked putting her legs over my head letting me lick her vag which she seemed to enjoy a lot. We started hooking up and she gave me a hand job. I asked when she finished and she said 4, me being forth coming I asked if she wanted to come back to my mates place but she said no! She had a better idea, she told me to go back to her place with her friends, sweet! She told her friends what was happening so I bid farewell to my mates and went back to her friends place.

These girls have the nicest apartment right in the city, as I waited for the stripper to finish work one of her friends went to bed but the other one stayed up with me. I knew she had a boyfriend (or so she said) so I didn’t wanna flirt with her, plus I was waiting for her mate. She came and sat right next to me, and then started snuggling into me. The next thing I knew we were kissing and off to her bedroom I went. We had sex for about half an hour which was pretty great, probably greater because her mate was coming home soon. After we had finished I quickly got changed and waited on the couch for round 2. The stripper finally came home and it was all on again. She brought some toys home from her job, looking back on it I bloody hope they were sanitized! She tied me to her bed post and began whipping me which fucking hurt and started to make me bleed on my stomach; I played along with this weird shit until it really started to hurt. She wanted me to do her now. By this stage I was pissed off with how sore she had whipped me, so I gladly grabbed that whip and whipped the shit out of her. To my surprise she fucking loved it! After this weird foreplay we finally had sex which was great and went to sleep. I got a taxi in the morning back to Azza’s, I told the boys what went down and it was as if I had won lotto there were high fives all around – typical lad shit.

That brings the curtain on my big weekend road trip, thanks for reading I think I am gonna have this week off the booze so I can let my poor liver recover!

Breaking Up

I got asked the other day by my mate, “how do I end this relationship?” Before I answered I started to think back on how I had ended things with my ex’s. Probably the easiest way I have found is to say “I just don’t love you anymore” its honest and up front. At the end of the day after all the hurt has gone a girl usually respects you for being honest. A lot of guys have trouble with this though and in the past, myself included. I had one girlfriend that was such hard work; constantly texting me when I was with my mates always asking if I’m cheating on her and getting angry if I hadn’t texted back within a minute. I would always try to break up with her but she wouldn’t have a bar of it and I would cave. Eventually I ended up deliberately leaving my Facebook open at her place with messages I had typed to a girls account I had made. That worked a bloody treat! Girls hate nothing more than a cheat and I can handle being labelled that by her, I just wanted to break up with the crazy bitch!

Here are a few different ways I’ve broken up with someone:

  • Text her. (depending on how deep into the relationship it is) Just slip her a text saying ‘I can’t do this anymore’. A pretty douche way to get the job done and will probably leave her in the dark but at least you will be single.017
  • Cheat on her, yes I have done this and if you have a good collection of something prepare for it to get smashed if she finds out…RIP my wrestling DVD collection. I will rebuild you.
  • Sit her down and let it all out. This can go around in a circle though and suddenly you can be working things out with her before you know it.
  • Suddenly stop talking to her, texting her and block her on Facebook. I did this to a chick I was dating for two weeks. As far as she knows we are still together although it’s been four years!

Being with girls that have been broken up with badly by guys I’ve seen how much of a wall a girl can put up from it, so being as gentle as possible seems to be the best way. Girls like a truthful explanation that doesn’t leave them with too many questions even though it might be so simple to me as to why.

Well I’m taking my Guru Mulligan hat off now and starting to pack for an eventful weekend in Taupo! Go The AB’s and Go the Kiwis!

Getting Shat on Literally

I first meet Bayley in Tauranga town one weekend. I was catching up with a couple of mates outside a bar on the strand; I hadn’t seen them since school. We were watching all the talent walk past making comments to one another on who was looking hot and what not. It had been 6 years since we had finished high school and these two had always been the nerdiest friends I had hung out with. Since school had finished I had gotten on with my rugby moving to Hamilton, whereas they just hadn’t seemed to have changed at all. To show them how much I had changed I decided to approach a girl in front of them just to show them “look at me now lads!” Even though I was pretty confident that this would work I still was a little nervous. I scanned the packed street for any girls that looked single, finally I spotted one that had dropped her bag and I fucking pounced! She was picking it up when I walked over to her, “are you ok”? I said. As she looked up at me she had the most amazing eyes I had ever seen. They were as green as an emerald. I started stuttering “come on Mullie” I thought, the nerds are watching. “you’re like really nice tonight” is all I could manage to say. “Fuck” I thought, she grabbed me, kissed me and said “you’re coming home with me”. “WHAT THE FUCK!” I thought, I looked at the nerds and they looked as gobsmacked as me! Later on I found out Bayley was on the lookout for a guy to take home because her step brother was up from wellington that she used to fuck and she wanted to rub a guy in his face.

I think Bayley intended this to be a one night stand because after we finished rooting – which was pretty average to be honest, she started doing the fake yawning. “Fuck!” I thought thats my trick. I started to think “well if this is a one night stand I need to take a souvenir to show the boys because they would never believe I scored someone as moist as this” I still couldn’t get over how cool her eyes were; she had all these photos over her wall of her and all her friends. While she went to the toilet to wash all the sex away. I got changed, grabbed a photo, stuffed it in my pocket and proceeded to leave.

The following Tuesday I took the photos to rugby training to show the boys. They all asked what her name was, shit I never asked for it, typical. One of the boys noticed it was on the back of one of the photos. I couldn’t get home fast enough to find her on Facebook, I found her and sent her a message. She was kinda creeped out how I found her, I convinced her she told me, and luckily she believed me. I wasn’t going to tell her the truth that I stole a couple of her photos for the Mulligan wank bank

I started browsing her profile noticing she liked some weird shit, stuff like “two girls one cup” and “Scat appreciation” which to all of you that don’t know what that is – its poo porn, really fucked up shit. I didn’t think much of it as we continued to talk for ages. I still lived in Hamilton and she lived in Otumoetai in Tauranga. Her parents were away one weekend and she invited me over to have a crazy sex session, as she put it. I turned up there and was greeted with tequila shot after tequila shot until the bottle was demolished not to mention a few fat lines of mdma.

We started fucking with the lights on dim so I was fixated on her eyes, she was so hot. The sex though was just boring; she lay there like a dead person while I wiggled my arse back and forth. Suddenly out of nowhere she rolled me and suddenly she was on top, penis not even falling out, rather skilful of her. She lent in and whispered in my ear “do you wanna try something crazy?” here we go I thought, we are gonna have anal. “Yes of coarse” I whispered back. Then she whispered the unthinkable “can I shit on you” WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK I thought WHY IS THIS HOT GIRL WANTING TO POO ON ME!! Arhhhhh I quickly contemplated it and then I whispered back… “ok” now before you ask why, I did it so I could tell the story to the boys. Looking back I wish I said no no no NOOOO. But alas I continue, she reverse cow girled on me. The next thing I know in my drunken haze I’m staring into her bum hole. It gradually begins to expand and slowly but surely this log of doom starts to appear. As soon as it touches my stomach I freaked out “Ewww yuck what the fuck” I scream. She starts laughing and starts to make out that its normal and I’m the weird one for not letting her finish. “Finish in the toilet you weirdo!” I scream. She walks to the toilet with half a shit hanging out of her arse. I take off into the shower poo smudge on my tummy and all I jump in the shower, then quickly say goodbye attempting to drive not realising I would probably be over the limit. I zoom to my parent’s place and have another shower for what seemed like an hour using every different type of soap I could find. Safe to say I deleted and blocked Bayley on Facebook, moral of the story – if you see that someone likes scat porn on Facebook INVESTIGATE because they just might wanna take a dump on ya bloody chest.