THE WORST WEEKEND OF MY SEX LIFE EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

You think you had a bad weekend as it pertains to sex? Believe you me; mine was 10 times worse! With just the shit that went down last Friday night I was going to put pen to paper and write up a blog called ‘A Bad Weekend’, but then Saturday night came and went and I’m changing the title to THE WORST WEEKEND OF MY SEX LIFE EVERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
It all started on the Friday. I had been messaging a Tinder girl from Tauranga for a while. We had already gone on two dates and she had a three-date minimum before sex – which was fine, totally respectable and commendable. So I called over to her place after I had finished work with a bottle of honey whiskey. She’d already started drinking a couple of hours before and urged me to catch up. Not only did I catch up, I bloody overtook her shot-ing most of my 1 litre of whiskey I had brought. We started kissing on her sofa, I remember popping a Viagra and sneakily putting my shiny new cock ring I had brought on. Then the whiskey hit me like a freight train and I passed out.
I woke up/came too with her on top of me, with me inside her but I could hear a guy’s voice. “WTF” I thought as no guy had been at her place beforehand. I look up and while she was riding me she was sucking off a random guy. I admittedly panicked and told her to get off and that I wasn’t comfortable with this. To say she hit the roof was an understatement! “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!” she began “WHY ARE YOU BEING SO WEIRD THIS!” Hmmm maybe because I had no clue as to what was going on? She stormed out of her room and random guy walked out to console her. I went to the toilet and as they were outside still having a smoke, I went back to sleep. I woke up in the morning in her bed with no-one else, I walked out to the lounge to see him and her cuddled on the sofa. I picked up my shoes and got the fuck outta there, still trying to figure out what the fuck had happened.
Saturday didn’t start for me until about 3pm when I stumbled out of bed, hopped into the car and took off to Hamilton. I met up with the girl whom I shagged on New Year’s at her place. We had been talking since New Year and were going to go to town clubbing on Saturday. We started drinking and she decides to bust out the Jager and here we go, another slippery slope for Mr Mulligan. She ordered a taxi and fuck me I can’t find my wallet, we look everywhere for it even ripping my car apart but to no avail. She still wants to go to town so she puts me to bed in her bed and whispers “I’ll be back to have some fun” I smile and pass out.
“Sean? Sean? Sean!!!!!!!” she yells at me shaking me. I wake up and start to grin, for the fun to come I thought. But I look up at her and notice a big buff Maori bloke behind her. Fuck me I thought, not another repeat of Friday night’s debauchery. It’s even fucking worse, “Um hi” she begins nicely. “Can you go sleep on the sofa please?” she asks. She has brought back a fucking shag!!!!!!!! Feeling defeated and dejected I go lie on her sofa and try to drift back to sleep but not before I hear this girl that I actually liked moaning as this dude rooted her. WORST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE DOT COM.
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What You look for in Partner: Boys vs. Girls

For the last week I have been doing a bit of deep thinking as to what I want in the future. This usually always happens around this time, with the weather getting colder I start wanting a girlfriend to cuddle. Luckily I usually snap myself out of this self-loathing shit and remind myself the grass isn’t greener on the relationship side.
But every year on I get a little bit older and my belt gets another hundred or so notches added to it. This year though I got to thinking of what I actually want in a relationship and to be completely honest I have no idea. You would think after enjoying the company of hundreds of girls I would have an idea of what I want but I don’t.

Now let’s delve into what a girl wants in a guy. After sleeping and then asking 100 girls, below is the top 4 things a girl wants in a relationship

1.Trust – usually at the top of the list, nobody likes a cheat!

2.Looks – this is on every girl’s list. Usually it’s secretly on there as when a girl is quizzed by someone they will deny it but I call utter bullshit on that!

3.Sense of humour – or lack of. I have met some girls who hate a sense of humour and want their relationship to be like a fucking business. Fuck those girls.

4.Family – A guy that gets on well with her family is high on a girl’s list as is starting a family with the lad.
Now looking into what I want and chatting to my mates from rugby, what they want in a relationship it kinda differs. It makes us males look like complete fuckers, but hey you have to be happy in your relationship.

1.Looks – Rated number one! Shallow fuckers much, all of us admitted that if a girl ever asked us what we looked for in a relationship we would NEVER admit to this but yes this tops the list sadly. This is probably a good reason as to why a number of relationships don’t work, as we base far too much on looks and end up with a crazy bitch.

2.Good at sex – Number fucking two on my list, does this make me shallow? A horndog? A fuck boy? Probably yes. But if you aren’t having healthy sex in your relationship then that isn’t a bloody relationship I want to be a part of.

3. Not a psycho – Not texting every fucking two minute, letting you go out with mates. I would write a whole blog on how not to be a psycho but you get the point.

4. Sociable – Having friends and going out so us males don’t feel bad if we are on a 3-day bender and ya partner is home the whole time watching 13 fucking reasons why. Basically not being a home body.

Well that’s the lists and almost completely different thinking between females and males, it’s crazy how we co-exist together. If you are getting into a relationship sooner or later just remember this blog and how the other person thinks, it could bloody shock you!