Sex Toys

Ever felt like purchasing a sex toy? Maybe as a gift to the girlfriend, or maybe just for yourself. I hate going into the seedy adult stores here in New Zealand, having to awkwardly look around while getting stared at by in most cases, a creepy old man behind the counter.

I remember the first time using a dildo on a girl, I had just picked her up from town I would have been about 18. We both basically stumbled onto each other outside The Grumpy Mole night club in Tauranga. After a few pleasantries followed by a couple of dances, then topped off by a back draft shot we jumped in a taxi and headed for hers, standard type of night for Mr Mulligan! We got back to her place and proceeded to do the drunken bump n’ grind, I noticed she wasn’t that into it for some reason. I asked her what was wrong; she insisted nothing but asked if her friend could join us. “Yeah of course” I replied. I jumped off her beaming with excitement thinking she was going to yell out to her girl flatmate to come join us but that wasn’t the case. She rummaged through her drawers and came back to the bed with what looked like a massive wobbly looking arm, at second glance I realised it was a big black dildo! She put it in my hand and told me to use it on her, my porn knowledge came into effect here and I went for it. The bloody thing was at least three times bigger than my penis, I felt embarrassed but at the same time she loved the big black dildo. After she climaxed she told me to hop back on and cum but I declined as I didn’t feel like throwing my penis down a hall way that the big dildo had made, plus I felt pretty inadequate.

That was my first experience, my next came when I got given a blow up sheep as a present for my 21st. It was a joke present but I thought I would give it a go. So once my flat mates had gone to the gym I blew that sheep up, lubed it, got on all fours and started rooting that plastic sheep! I guess it’s true what Australians say – we kiwis are sheep lovers deep down. That was probably my lowest point of my life, try to picture my mate’s faces if they had come in and seen me with my pants down, fucking a plastic sheep. That would have been a pretty horrific scene to walk in on, and hard to explain.

From then up until now I’ve played with all different types of sex toys on girls. Dildos, vibrators, butt plugs and on one occasion anal beads .Although all of this was great I wanted something for myself. How come girls get all the fun and I only get my dumb hand? I started googling and came onto these things called Fleshlight’s. Picture a big looking flashlight casing; unscrew the top to find a flesh-like vagina, anus or mouth. I ended up getting one sent to me, when it arrived it was like Christmas! I couldn’t wait to try it. I got the Kayden Kross one which had been specially shaped like her actual vagina. I lube it up and begin using it. It legit feels like the really thing, 30 seconds go by and I’m all done. I have finally found something better than my trusty hand. Way better! Here is a tip though, remember to clean them out, nothing worse than two day old cum smell!

Well that’s all from me on sex toys. Make sure to check out: for a range of awesome toys, and if you like my blog buy a Tattooed Mulligan T shirt from: all profits going to the New Zealand Cancer Society. Thanks everyone, see you next Monday. #PlayHardShagHarder.

Getting Shat on Literally

I first meet Bayley in Tauranga town one weekend. I was catching up with a couple of mates outside a bar on the strand; I hadn’t seen them since school. We were watching all the talent walk past making comments to one another on who was looking hot and what not. It had been 6 years since we had finished high school and these two had always been the nerdiest friends I had hung out with. Since school had finished I had gotten on with my rugby moving to Hamilton, whereas they just hadn’t seemed to have changed at all. To show them how much I had changed I decided to approach a girl in front of them just to show them “look at me now lads!” Even though I was pretty confident that this would work I still was a little nervous. I scanned the packed street for any girls that looked single, finally I spotted one that had dropped her bag and I fucking pounced! She was picking it up when I walked over to her, “are you ok”? I said. As she looked up at me she had the most amazing eyes I had ever seen. They were as green as an emerald. I started stuttering “come on Mullie” I thought, the nerds are watching. “you’re like really nice tonight” is all I could manage to say. “Fuck” I thought, she grabbed me, kissed me and said “you’re coming home with me”. “WHAT THE FUCK!” I thought, I looked at the nerds and they looked as gobsmacked as me! Later on I found out Bayley was on the lookout for a guy to take home because her step brother was up from wellington that she used to fuck and she wanted to rub a guy in his face.

I think Bayley intended this to be a one night stand because after we finished rooting – which was pretty average to be honest, she started doing the fake yawning. “Fuck!” I thought thats my trick. I started to think “well if this is a one night stand I need to take a souvenir to show the boys because they would never believe I scored someone as moist as this” I still couldn’t get over how cool her eyes were; she had all these photos over her wall of her and all her friends. While she went to the toilet to wash all the sex away. I got changed, grabbed a photo, stuffed it in my pocket and proceeded to leave.

The following Tuesday I took the photos to rugby training to show the boys. They all asked what her name was, shit I never asked for it, typical. One of the boys noticed it was on the back of one of the photos. I couldn’t get home fast enough to find her on Facebook, I found her and sent her a message. She was kinda creeped out how I found her, I convinced her she told me, and luckily she believed me. I wasn’t going to tell her the truth that I stole a couple of her photos for the Mulligan wank bank

I started browsing her profile noticing she liked some weird shit, stuff like “two girls one cup” and “Scat appreciation” which to all of you that don’t know what that is – its poo porn, really fucked up shit. I didn’t think much of it as we continued to talk for ages. I still lived in Hamilton and she lived in Otumoetai in Tauranga. Her parents were away one weekend and she invited me over to have a crazy sex session, as she put it. I turned up there and was greeted with tequila shot after tequila shot until the bottle was demolished not to mention a few fat lines of mdma.

We started fucking with the lights on dim so I was fixated on her eyes, she was so hot. The sex though was just boring; she lay there like a dead person while I wiggled my arse back and forth. Suddenly out of nowhere she rolled me and suddenly she was on top, penis not even falling out, rather skilful of her. She lent in and whispered in my ear “do you wanna try something crazy?” here we go I thought, we are gonna have anal. “Yes of coarse” I whispered back. Then she whispered the unthinkable “can I shit on you” WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK I thought WHY IS THIS HOT GIRL WANTING TO POO ON ME!! Arhhhhh I quickly contemplated it and then I whispered back… “ok” now before you ask why, I did it so I could tell the story to the boys. Looking back I wish I said no no no NOOOO. But alas I continue, she reverse cow girled on me. The next thing I know in my drunken haze I’m staring into her bum hole. It gradually begins to expand and slowly but surely this log of doom starts to appear. As soon as it touches my stomach I freaked out “Ewww yuck what the fuck” I scream. She starts laughing and starts to make out that its normal and I’m the weird one for not letting her finish. “Finish in the toilet you weirdo!” I scream. She walks to the toilet with half a shit hanging out of her arse. I take off into the shower poo smudge on my tummy and all I jump in the shower, then quickly say goodbye attempting to drive not realising I would probably be over the limit. I zoom to my parent’s place and have another shower for what seemed like an hour using every different type of soap I could find. Safe to say I deleted and blocked Bayley on Facebook, moral of the story – if you see that someone likes scat porn on Facebook INVESTIGATE because they just might wanna take a dump on ya bloody chest.