Surgeon Date Recap

So these last two weeks have been pretty bloody tough to be honest, my nephew is basically in hospital permanently now which sucks. He is up in Auckland at a hospital called Starship, which is about 3 and a half hours from where I live.Luckily my boss is pretty chill and lets me drive up whenever I ask. 

I met a surgeon up there you in the cafeteria, we got talking and I let her know why I was there and that I was from Tauranga. She mentioned her parents live in Tauranga in a suburb called Matua and that she would be coming down for the weekend. I asked her if she wasn’t too busy if she would like to get a drink when she’s down; she smiles and says of course, yeahhaa boy!

We start texting and Snapchatting for a few days leading up to our Friday date with her even sending a naked snap which was bloody lush. On the Thursday night after she sent the nudie snap we got talking about sex and she asked if I had any fetishes. I must’ve sounded fucking boring as I couldn’t think of any. I asked her if she had any, her reply was weird and not very forthcoming. “I do but most people find it really weird so I don’t tell them until they know me well” she said.

Well fuck me, it could be anything a lot of weird shit started going through my mind. What if it’s poo porn? What if it’s humping a pillow porn, foot porn, shoving things up guy’s arses? – oh God not again.

After pressing her for a bit she wouldn’t reveal what her fetish was so come Friday I was slighty nervous and so was my bung hole. The chemistry was instantly noticeable when we started drinking, me pretending to be dumber than I am, asking stupid questions about surgeries etc. I again asked her what her fetish was but she wouldn’t tell me. After half a dozen shots of tequlia she opened up “I like to masturbate over those Dr Pipple popping videos, please don’t laugh” um what the fuck? Even in my drunken state I knew that was fucked up and all I could say to pretend it wasn’t too fucked was “oh well at least you’re not into poo porn”. I changed the subject pretty swiftly after that revelation.

Come midnight we taxied back to mine and, me being the gentleman and trying to support her fucked-up fetish, I asked her if she wanted to watch one. “Omg yes please if you don’t mind, there is a new one out I haven’t seen where she bursts a massive cyst.” I put the Youtube clip on the TV and she immediately starts fucking me, first with me on top, but she can’t get a good view of the TV. So she jumps on top and reverse cowgirls it. Now picture this fucked up situation; On the TV is a massive fucking cyst on some unwashed fucker’s back getting popped and then look at us, this chick is jumping up and down on my doodle organsming over this filthy shit. No amount of hotness would make me want to do this again but hey she fucking loved it.

After we finished I immediately turn the TV off as she gushed “that was the best sex ever”. All I could say was “that’s nice” because quite frankly that was one of the weirdest bloody things I have ever been a part of! 

Blonde Canadian Date Recap

Waking up with a hangover is bad, but waking up and remembering what you did the night before can be the fucking worst – especially with the stench of numerous other peoples urine covering my jeans and shoes. Previously on the life of Mulligan I went on a double date to a water park (https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/02/22/gettingwetdate-recap/ ) me and the blonde Canadian got on great but my mate Kurt wasn’t her mates cup of tea, which left spending alone time with the Canadian difficult. Luckily she agreed to another date with just me and her for this past Thursday and #BlondeCanadianDate was born!

Before any date it was time to peal back a few cold ones which on a hot day go down exceptionally well, after that it was a shit, shave, shower and the pre date wank/crank.

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Once all of that was done it was time to ring a taxi. I fucking hate taxi’s especially here in Tauranga, they are always late and they don’t have a clue where they are going. This time was no exception, after ordering the taxi and getting an estimated time of pick up being 10 minutes these fuckers didn’t turn up for forty minutes, tossers. What made matters worse is that they stopped at every just turned orange light and pretended they didn’t know where to go, fuck sakes if I said take me to town I’m sure even a non taxi driver would understand where fucking town was!

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When I got to the restaurant the Canadian was visibly annoyed for having to wait but while she was waiting she had sunken quite a few drinks, so it was almost a blessing in disguise as once I had explained what happened she planted a big hello kiss on my lips.

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We ordered drinks and began chatting and joking resuming where we had left things from the previous date. I could tell she was also a bit tipsy as she immediately stated flirting with me by telling me she was moist. Moist is such a creepy word, whenever I hear it I picture sweaty underarms which came to mind when she told me that.

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We continue talking about different things, I ask a lot about Canada which she is happy to tell me about. At one point she asks me if I know what a Canadian Goose is. My initial reply was a native bird, nope she gives me a clue what it is and after a quick google I find out it is something bloody disgusting!

Canadian Goose

You lay a girl down in the middle of the floor naked. you proceed to take a running start diving over her and shitting on her in mid-air. For full effect make a honking sound. – Urban Dictionary
After asking her if that’s what it is, she burst out laughing like a dying goat nodding her head, ” I can’t believe you hadn’t heard of it” she says between skunk laughs. She then brings up how Canadians created maple syrup claiming her and her friends have it on everything from pancake to penises which she says makes for an amazing blow job.
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Dinner finally gets here with another couple of rounds of drinks, at this stage both of us don’t really need anymore, all she has been talking about is sex sex sex, which compared to our last date makes me think she is on her way to drunk city. During dinner it was time for her to quiz me and she asked if I was good at oral to which I said “if it doesn’t smell like an expired roll of fish sushi then yes I think I’m pretty good” this made the goat laugh come back in full force and by god she has a good set of lungs on her as she can laugh fucking loud!

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She continues the sexual talking telling me she wants my willy for dessert but when she said that I didn’t think actually meant that she wanted it right there and then at the restaurant!

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OHHHH SHIT!!! She just asked me outright if I want a shag.

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As I walk into the bathroom she is waiting/pretending to check her makeup just in case I was someone else, we go into the toilet locking the door. We kiss for a bit then she sits on the loo and begins to give me a Canadian blow job minus the maple syrup. During the bj I look down and notice the entire floor  we are standing on is covered in piss which my jeans that were around my feet are soaking up, fuck sake. Too busy to do anything about it I continue to enjoy the oral I was receiving,. She finishes sucking on my Bonita banana and takes her undies off, she then bends over putting her hands on the dirty toilet and tells me to put it in, you don’t have to tell me twice.

I start thrusting back and forth, my feet splashing about in the urine puddle and then it happens, we both hear the door to the bathroom open. We both freeze as we hear footsteps sounding as if they were coming right for us, shit we are getting kicked out I thought. Luckily it wasn’t one of the staff coming to see what the hell we were doing it was just some female going into the toilet next to us. We continue to fuck as quietly as we can, we hear her pee stream begin, thinking that she is just peeing we shag on .Then the unthinkable happens – I hear a fart and then splash, SHES DOING A FUCKING POO!!!!! The Canadian doesn’t even give a fuck. She looks back at me as I’m standing there grossed out, “keep going” she whispers. Another fucking splash, but we keep going.Then the fucking stench begins to wofffle over, fuck sake. I pull my shirt over my nose as I try hard to cum so I can bail out of here, but my pre date wank is making it difficult. Another loud fart and a huge splash ensues, come on mully I think to myself we have to get the fuck out of here as the stench grows stronger. I finally cum as the lady beside us is grabbing for the toilet paper to wipe her arse after the massacre she has left in the toilet. We wait until she is finished and both leave the toilet at the same time. THAT WAS ONE OF THE WORST THINGS I HAVE BEEN APART OF.

 

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We sit back down and quickly finish our drinks as my pants were soaked in urine. She began laughing about what had just happened “I wonder if that lady heard us” she laughed. I don’t know if she heard us but I bloody heard and smelt her destroy the toilet! We get up and say our goodbyes as we both grab different taxi’s going in different directions. Since the date I have made her promise that if we are going to have sex again (which I hope we are because the sex was great) it will be in a bloody bed this time!

 

 

Shit Happens (at the worst times)

Ever dabbled with pre workout supplements? Most give you a huge energy boost. People that have used them say it gives you an intense focus during training, allowing them to train harder for longer. It contains DMAA, dimethylamylamine  which increases the heart rate and is often used as a dietary fat burner. After using it I read a lot of articles about all the side effects it has and also how it had been linked to a few deaths caused by heart attacks, fuck! Anyway this is my story about using it, I wouldn’t endorse people to take it after what happened to me. After the footy season came to a close last year I decided to hit the gym hard, getting a personal trainer to give me a program was step one. Step two was to find some good supplements, which my trainer gave me advise on. Whey protein, amino caps and something I hadn’t tried people called ‘Jack3d’ pre workout. I mixed it in with my water before my workout and holy shit I haven’t worked out so hard in my life, it made my heart pump and I felt like I could do anything! I started using this shit everywhere; before workouts, rugby and even before going night clubbing. You could dance all night on this stuff which is just what I did and that is where I met my girlfriend I had for a week. I was dancing and dancing at the club, jack3d pumping through my veins and that’s when I met her, this really sporty looking chick that was dancing as hard as me. We danced the night away and exchanged numbers as the club closed at 3am, now at this stage I was hoping we would go home together but she gave me a good night kiss, hopped into a taxi and left me outside the club alone. This was going to take some ground work.

This chick was a gym bunny. Going on a date with her was a hard session at the gym, so for the next two weeks we would meet at the gym for flirty workouts. Finally she asked if I wanted to go on a marathon like run along the beach and up Mount Maunganui. I started stressing, hoping that I could keep up with her, but then I remembered I had my jack3d stuff. Still nervous I doubled the amount of the pre workout that was recommended and skulled it down. We started off jogging at a relatively easy pase, she looked smoking in her tight running pants. My stomach began to churn mid way through, thinking nothing of it we continued jogging heading towards the base of the mountain. As we headed up the mount my stomach started getting worse “keep up” she said smiling. She started striding out with her legs so without thinking I did the same, suddenly the churning in my guts violently dropped into my bowels and without warning I shit myself. “Oh my god, I’m having an accident” I yell to her as my arse continues to spray brown goo everywhere. My shorts, legs and shoes are all drenched in shit, “what the fuck Sean, gross!!” she said taking off, leaving me half way up the mount covered in shit. For the next hour I couldn’t stop shitting, it was the worst! Whatever was in this jack3d shit was unforgiving. shithappensMy stomach was extremely sore, luckily I had my phone on me and called mum to come with some fresh pants. The dried shit on my legs took some scrubbing to get off when I got home. That night I got a text saying “sorry for leaving you” which I replied back “shit happens”.

My Birthday Blog!

This past weekend was my birthday so off to Hamilton I went! I give Hamilton a lot of grief, but to be honest nothing beats its night life. (Queenstown and Dunedin come close) When I look back at this weekend I feel like I did a shit load of observing. Usually I’m so drunk and focused on one thing – chatting up girls. Although that was obviously on my mind I couldn’t help but watch what other people were doing while they were out on the town.

My mates and I got into town at 11pm, since it was my birthday we went to the Sky City Casino! The first time you go to a Casino the shiny lights make it feel like you have walked into Emerald City. It looks amazing and so fancy. After a few visits you start to notice little things like at least fifty percent of the clientele are either people on welfare using all their money up, or people that can’t stop gambling. The other fifty percent of the clientele are Asians. It just feels like a sad, sad place to be for too long. Anyway after the machines had chewed about one hundred dollars of my money I decided to go to the bar and get a drink. I got the cheapest beer they had on tap after feeling dejected for wasting so much. Suddenly this lady came up to me and asked if I had seen her purse. I said no, and suggested she go check with security. She then yelled out to the bartender and told him that she had seen a girl with his uniform come up and take her purse; this was when it started to get weird. The barmen told her that if any of them had seen an abandoned purse they can’t touch it until security gets there so that’s impossible. To be honest the bartender was a bit of a prick which added fuel to this ladies fire. Annoyed with his answer this 40 year old women now gets up on the bar and starts screaming, asking if anyone has seen her purse. Out of nowhere the security pops up along with the police whom must have been doing a walkthrough as they normally do. The police grab her and arrest her, ‘what the fuck’ I thought, that’s pretty harsh. I asked the security guard why they arrested her – turns out that security had found her bag filled with meth, syringes and the lady’s I.D, that’s why she was freaking out.

I went back and found my mates, one of which had won the mini jackpot of four hundred and fifty dollars. I convinced him not to waste it and off to The Hood night club we went. The place was packed and pumping. My mate who won all that money was just splashing it out on drinks for all of us, shots round after round. I start talking to these two British chicks (love the Brits!). We start chatting and dancing together. Everything is going so good; I’m kissing both of them feeling like a total stud.  We grab another round of shots and drinks and continue dancing.  Suddenly I smell what I thought was a really, really disgusting fart. Thinking nothing of it I continue dancing till a few people stop and start smelling it too. “What the Fuck” one of the girls I’m dancing with shrieks looking down at her feet, some dirty bugger has taken a massive shit on the dance floor. I start to pray hoping my shoes haven’t got any on them but yup, there is poo in the crevices. There is shit everywhere mushed and stomped around the club. Most of the club leaves after people start looking down at their shoes; I can’t get to the two British backpackers in time as they hurry into the nearest taxi – fuck! Whoever took a shit on the dance floor has cock blocked me with their fucking feces. Admitting defeat I grab a taxi and head back to my mates place and crash not before chucking my shoes in the bin outsid, yuck!

Well that’s it from me, I got my birthday kiss from not one, but two babes. Good times, but to whoever shat on the dance floor I hope you went and wiped after!

Getting Shat on Literally

I first meet Bayley in Tauranga town one weekend. I was catching up with a couple of mates outside a bar on the strand; I hadn’t seen them since school. We were watching all the talent walk past making comments to one another on who was looking hot and what not. It had been 6 years since we had finished high school and these two had always been the nerdiest friends I had hung out with. Since school had finished I had gotten on with my rugby moving to Hamilton, whereas they just hadn’t seemed to have changed at all. To show them how much I had changed I decided to approach a girl in front of them just to show them “look at me now lads!” Even though I was pretty confident that this would work I still was a little nervous. I scanned the packed street for any girls that looked single, finally I spotted one that had dropped her bag and I fucking pounced! She was picking it up when I walked over to her, “are you ok”? I said. As she looked up at me she had the most amazing eyes I had ever seen. They were as green as an emerald. I started stuttering “come on Mullie” I thought, the nerds are watching. “you’re like really nice tonight” is all I could manage to say. “Fuck” I thought, she grabbed me, kissed me and said “you’re coming home with me”. “WHAT THE FUCK!” I thought, I looked at the nerds and they looked as gobsmacked as me! Later on I found out Bayley was on the lookout for a guy to take home because her step brother was up from wellington that she used to fuck and she wanted to rub a guy in his face.

I think Bayley intended this to be a one night stand because after we finished rooting – which was pretty average to be honest, she started doing the fake yawning. “Fuck!” I thought thats my trick. I started to think “well if this is a one night stand I need to take a souvenir to show the boys because they would never believe I scored someone as moist as this” I still couldn’t get over how cool her eyes were; she had all these photos over her wall of her and all her friends. While she went to the toilet to wash all the sex away. I got changed, grabbed a photo, stuffed it in my pocket and proceeded to leave.

The following Tuesday I took the photos to rugby training to show the boys. They all asked what her name was, shit I never asked for it, typical. One of the boys noticed it was on the back of one of the photos. I couldn’t get home fast enough to find her on Facebook, I found her and sent her a message. She was kinda creeped out how I found her, I convinced her she told me, and luckily she believed me. I wasn’t going to tell her the truth that I stole a couple of her photos for the Mulligan wank bank

I started browsing her profile noticing she liked some weird shit, stuff like “two girls one cup” and “Scat appreciation” which to all of you that don’t know what that is – its poo porn, really fucked up shit. I didn’t think much of it as we continued to talk for ages. I still lived in Hamilton and she lived in Otumoetai in Tauranga. Her parents were away one weekend and she invited me over to have a crazy sex session, as she put it. I turned up there and was greeted with tequila shot after tequila shot until the bottle was demolished not to mention a few fat lines of mdma.

We started fucking with the lights on dim so I was fixated on her eyes, she was so hot. The sex though was just boring; she lay there like a dead person while I wiggled my arse back and forth. Suddenly out of nowhere she rolled me and suddenly she was on top, penis not even falling out, rather skilful of her. She lent in and whispered in my ear “do you wanna try something crazy?” here we go I thought, we are gonna have anal. “Yes of coarse” I whispered back. Then she whispered the unthinkable “can I shit on you” WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK I thought WHY IS THIS HOT GIRL WANTING TO POO ON ME!! Arhhhhh I quickly contemplated it and then I whispered back… “ok” now before you ask why, I did it so I could tell the story to the boys. Looking back I wish I said no no no NOOOO. But alas I continue, she reverse cow girled on me. The next thing I know in my drunken haze I’m staring into her bum hole. It gradually begins to expand and slowly but surely this log of doom starts to appear. As soon as it touches my stomach I freaked out “Ewww yuck what the fuck” I scream. She starts laughing and starts to make out that its normal and I’m the weird one for not letting her finish. “Finish in the toilet you weirdo!” I scream. She walks to the toilet with half a shit hanging out of her arse. I take off into the shower poo smudge on my tummy and all I jump in the shower, then quickly say goodbye attempting to drive not realising I would probably be over the limit. I zoom to my parent’s place and have another shower for what seemed like an hour using every different type of soap I could find. Safe to say I deleted and blocked Bayley on Facebook, moral of the story – if you see that someone likes scat porn on Facebook INVESTIGATE because they just might wanna take a dump on ya bloody chest.