Jelly Wrestling Jail Time

As I stared blankly at this poorly painted wall I looked down at my skinned knuckles wishing I had my phone on me. “I need to remember what happened tonight” I thought. I hadn’t lost my phone or anything; in fact it was in arguably very safe hands, I just couldn’t get to it. I started to look around at my surroundings. One ginger haired guy was asleep next to me and about two metres away another guy was pacing back and fourth like an idiot. Talking to himself emphasising the F words to sound real bad ass. No, I wasn’t at some dodgy Hamilton night spot I was in the Wellington Cells/Jail.

I flew down to Wellington last week for a work conference thing and liking it down there so much I decided to stay another night at the motel. It was O week last week which is a week-long celebration and orientation to welcome university students and help to familiarise themselves with the local surroundings, which has evolved into the night clubs being open every night of the week with different themes each night. After pre loading on drinks at my motel I stumbled into town. I met one of my friends who works in Wellington at Courtenay Place, where the majority of the clubs were going off. Every place was packed with university students and everyone was having a great time. Shots of blue looking liqueur were only $2 at one of the clubs, so I happily exchanged my crisp $20 note for 10 and downed every one of them. By this time my drunken confidence was at an all time high and saw that the club I was in was having a jelly wrestling tournament. I chucked my name down and waited for my turn. The event was in the middle of the club which consisted of an oversized kids paddling pool filled with lubrication gel. The rules were simple; two people got into the paddling pool and the winner is either the one left standing or the one that lands on top of the opponent. “Heat 8 Sean and Connor come on down” the dj called out. I was pitted against this person that looked liked a fucking carrot. He had the brightest, most ginger hair I had ever seen and he was muscly as! “Fuck i’m going to lose” I thought to myself. As we squared off he began hurling some verbal abuse at me, looking around I saw all of his gym boyfriends egging him on. Suddenly he slapped me really hard in the face. The ref was some hot girl who was pretty much there for decoration, she told him no slapping. Not one to be out done I wound my right arm up and slapped the shit out of him which made him slip and stumble over. I had won but it wasn’t over, he tackled me and began laying in punches yelling at me that I had punched him (it was a slap!) I fought back a bit until it was broken up. My knuckles were bleeding which still confuses me as to how that happened. As all of this was unfolding two police officers were doing a walk through the club and witnessed the incident. Grabbing us both they took us outside into an awaiting paddy wagon to a chorus of boos from all the other party goers. We both were still topless and drenched in lube FML.

When we got to the police station the police officers couldn’t stop cracking jokes at us about how silly two topless guys covered in lube looked. In hinds sight we must have but these young cops were acting like massive douches. We both got warnings and had to stay in the cells for awhile which turned out to be three hours. I asked Connor why he started a fight and he thought I had punched him. I told him I had just slapped him back, he apologised, I accepted and we were all good.

We got out of there at about 3am, we got our phones back and got given t-shirts out of the lost property to wear. Connors friends had gone home to Lower Hutt, I suggested we go to the strip club and he happily agreed. We stayed there until 5am, then I stumbled back to my motel alone. If it wasn’t for spending time in the cells that night was shaping up to be awesome, oh well there is always next time!

IMG_0592

My Birthday Blog!

This past weekend was my birthday so off to Hamilton I went! I give Hamilton a lot of grief, but to be honest nothing beats its night life. (Queenstown and Dunedin come close) When I look back at this weekend I feel like I did a shit load of observing. Usually I’m so drunk and focused on one thing – chatting up girls. Although that was obviously on my mind I couldn’t help but watch what other people were doing while they were out on the town.

My mates and I got into town at 11pm, since it was my birthday we went to the Sky City Casino! The first time you go to a Casino the shiny lights make it feel like you have walked into Emerald City. It looks amazing and so fancy. After a few visits you start to notice little things like at least fifty percent of the clientele are either people on welfare using all their money up, or people that can’t stop gambling. The other fifty percent of the clientele are Asians. It just feels like a sad, sad place to be for too long. Anyway after the machines had chewed about one hundred dollars of my money I decided to go to the bar and get a drink. I got the cheapest beer they had on tap after feeling dejected for wasting so much. Suddenly this lady came up to me and asked if I had seen her purse. I said no, and suggested she go check with security. She then yelled out to the bartender and told him that she had seen a girl with his uniform come up and take her purse; this was when it started to get weird. The barmen told her that if any of them had seen an abandoned purse they can’t touch it until security gets there so that’s impossible. To be honest the bartender was a bit of a prick which added fuel to this ladies fire. Annoyed with his answer this 40 year old women now gets up on the bar and starts screaming, asking if anyone has seen her purse. Out of nowhere the security pops up along with the police whom must have been doing a walkthrough as they normally do. The police grab her and arrest her, ‘what the fuck’ I thought, that’s pretty harsh. I asked the security guard why they arrested her – turns out that security had found her bag filled with meth, syringes and the lady’s I.D, that’s why she was freaking out.

I went back and found my mates, one of which had won the mini jackpot of four hundred and fifty dollars. I convinced him not to waste it and off to The Hood night club we went. The place was packed and pumping. My mate who won all that money was just splashing it out on drinks for all of us, shots round after round. I start talking to these two British chicks (love the Brits!). We start chatting and dancing together. Everything is going so good; I’m kissing both of them feeling like a total stud.  We grab another round of shots and drinks and continue dancing.  Suddenly I smell what I thought was a really, really disgusting fart. Thinking nothing of it I continue dancing till a few people stop and start smelling it too. “What the Fuck” one of the girls I’m dancing with shrieks looking down at her feet, some dirty bugger has taken a massive shit on the dance floor. I start to pray hoping my shoes haven’t got any on them but yup, there is poo in the crevices. There is shit everywhere mushed and stomped around the club. Most of the club leaves after people start looking down at their shoes; I can’t get to the two British backpackers in time as they hurry into the nearest taxi – fuck! Whoever took a shit on the dance floor has cock blocked me with their fucking feces. Admitting defeat I grab a taxi and head back to my mates place and crash not before chucking my shoes in the bin outsid, yuck!

Well that’s it from me, I got my birthday kiss from not one, but two babes. Good times, but to whoever shat on the dance floor I hope you went and wiped after!