Live Tweeting at a Swingers Party

Sometimes going to something the second time never lives up to what it was like the first time. But suck me sideways, this second time at a swingers party was amazeballs!
I got permission to live tweet the event as last time I shagged the hosts; I didn’t even know they were until we got invited to a private Facebook group to set this party up. The only conditions people had were no photos and no names on the tweets which was fine by me.

When we got to the party there was no sign of the dude who had the pineapple rings around his penis – which sucked as he was pretty funny. It was almost a completely different set of people apart from the hosts and one other couple. 

After chatting for a while, every second person was a business owner from around the local area obviously looking for a bit of fun away from the stresses of work.

Two pretty extroverted couples announced they are going into the bedroom and people were free to come watch. You don’t have to tell me fucking twice or my partner in crime for that fact. These couples weren’t shy either, dicks, fannies, tits and balls were on show for everybody to see. The couples started sucking their partners then changed over. The guys followed suit then oral, one of the girl’s bushes looked straight out of the 70’s, hairy as fuck. I felt sorry for the dudes that had to eat that, a little care trim goes a long way. 

The guys began shagging these two woman missionary, then swapping over, then the girls wanted a go on top. One of the woman told me to grab her tits, this is awesome I thought! Not long both guys’ corks blew and it was back to the party we went. 

We started chatting to a younger couple who seemed pretty cool, girl was blonde about 5’1′ and looked about 25. The bloke was in his early thirties from what I could tell. They were newly married but had an open relationship from the get go as they both liked sharing each other. 

They invited us to go down to a room, my date was a little reluctant because the guy thought he was hot shit, but she knew I wanted to shag his mrs so off we went. Now you know when some people like heaps of sauce of their fries/chips? Well these motherfuckers were the same when it pertained to lube. Fuck me they used what felt like half a bottle on my date and me. It was the slipperiest fuck ever, so slippery I went to do doggy style with the dude’s mrs and my dick slid right into her arse. “Ughhhhhhh” she yelped, “wrong hole! wrong hole!” 

Apart from the overuse of the lube the sex was amazing, the woman was amazing on top and even twerked – fucking awesome! We left the party not long after that still smelling like strawberry fucking lube!

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Shite on the dance floor

Girls don’t like it if ya leave them in the club for long periods of time nor do they like it if ya fart during sex. Well this past weekend both of those things happened last night
I had been messaging this girl for a couple of days off of this new dating app called Bumble (surely whoever made that app could’ve named it something fucking better them bloody Bumble) when I thought fuck I’m getting bored with all this chitchat bullshit, I’ll just ask her out. She said yes, I got her address and promised to pick her up at 10pm that night. Around this time my stomach began playing up, feeling really tight, but thinking it was just indigestion, I thought nothing of it. 

I took her to the rugby flat where several dozen people had congregated earlier to watch the Maori All Blacks play the British & Irish Lions. We started pre-loading before going to town, doing shots of homemade spirits to doing funnels of beer, shit was getting hectic. We all decided it was time to go when my mate Bazza decide to tackle the wall; the wall lost. 

When we got to town the majority of us got declined entry at most places but luckily my mate knew the bouncers on the Bahama Hut nightclub door so in we went. We started dancing or attempting to, the place was packed, my stomach began playing up again. I thought I would let it out with a hard satisfying fart…. 

 

Arhhhhh Sqeeze Arhhhhh

 

PLOOP…. OMG 

 

FUCK

 

I’ve shit myself.

 

I bolt to the bathroom, pushing past people feeling the runny shit dribbling down my inner of my pants. I get to the toilet, pull my pants down and it looks like a fucking bomb had gone off in there. Still pretty drunk and not wanting to cut the night short I grab my soiled undies and take them with me back to the nightclub. Just before I spot my date I drop them on the dance floor and shuffle over to her. “Where have you been!” she wails. “Taking care of some business in the loo” I yell to her over the loud music, “I thought you left me!” she said.

Now back to the soiled undies as we continued to dance I saw these shitty things get kicked to all corners of the fucking club. It was like a beachball at a concert only shittier. Whoever the poor cunt was at the end of the night that had to do clean up I’m sorry.  

I took the girl back to mine with my stomach feeling better after emptying it at the club. We start having sex which by all accounts was great and then it hit me halfway through, I need to fart but I don’t know if a fart is all that will happen. I try holding it which made it worst and eventually it falls out. BURRRRRRRRTTT luckily it was just a fart but it was a loud bastard. “Ewwww get off, you’re disgusting” my date said, getting up and dressed “ring me a taxi”.

All I could think when she left was, I’m glad she didn’t see the shit that happened at the bloody club if she thought a fucking fart was disgusting! 

Floppy Joe

Well what a shockingly embarrassing type of weekend I have just had. I got two perfect opportunities to get with two different (fairly) attractive chicks but for reasons which I will explain; I completely cocked it up!
I think I put a hex on myself because before the weekend had even started, I tweeted the magic eight ball asking it ‘If I am going to get lucky this weekend’ and its wise response was ‘this is an easy one to answer, no way’. Fuck my life! Way to boost a guys confidence Mr. Eightball. Not letting that deter me I cracked on. Before heading out on Friday I had my pre going-out wank, in the hopes that if I slept with a girl it would build my stamina; making the sex last longer if it happened. It’s all about strategy. 😉 

On Friday I met up with a 38 year old I had been talking to on tinder, she immediately gave me a hug and sniffed my neck, “Hugo Boss? yummy” she giggled. I could tell this chick was already pretty lit, I needed to catch up. While she was in the toilet I brought a line of tequila and necked back 4 of them just in time for her to come out of the toilet. “I brought us a shot each” I said trying not to hurl up the last four I had just downed. “Oh you’re so lovely, come here” she smiled, and thats all it took we were making out in the middle of this half empty bar. The poor bartender looked sickened shaking his head as he collected my empty shot glasses. It wasn’t long till she asked if I would like to come back to her apartment and off we went. Things got hot and heavy as soon as we got there, she threw me on the bed and proceeded to do a drunk strip show. Now by this stage you would think I would be rocking a tent pole, but no such fucking luck. I begin slapping it around as if to wake it up ‘come on lil buddy!’ I thought. Still nothing. She crept on top of me “ughh I can’t get it up” I say with a sigh. “Don’t worry, I will” she said with a smile. She put it in her mouth and usually by this stage my small breakfast sausage would evolve into a freaking frankfurter but no, nothing happened. Fuck sakes! She even tried a cheeky finger in the bum (her idea not mine) but to no avail. This droopy penis was fast asleep. I counted my loses and called it a night.

Roll on Saturday night and it was all on again, after cutting some shapes on the dance floor I bumped into an old friend at the bar. She had won a $250 bar tab and was struggling to get through it. She begged me to help her, I happily obliged. We head back to my place at about 3am, we were kissing in the taxi and all I could think of was if my lil buddy would stand to attention for me tonight. We got out of the taxi just in time for me to chunder everywhere, I was wasted. We staggered into my bed and began trying to get it on. Now, picture trying to play a game of pool with a fucking rope, it just doesn’t work!! Fuckkkkkk.

What a shitty shit shit weekend that was. This coming weekend there will definitely be no pre going-out wanks….or huge bar tabs to go through. Lessons learnt 😞   

Sleeping With A Follower

“Hey thanks for the follow Tattooed Mulligan x” this was the first private message I got from one crazy crazy follower I have on twitter. It all started about a week ago, after tweeting out a funny joke I thought I would follow a few people who had favourited or retweeted the joke. Almost immediately up pops a message from a pretty attractive girl I had just followed. We did the back and forth chatting and favoriting each others posts, you know just the usual odd shit you do in this day and age to seduce someone.
We continued this for the next few days chatting and even exchanging naked selfies. After rugby training last wednesday I checked my Twitter and I had a message from her “Boo, I’m heading up from Wellington to see you xo” Sweet! Time to get back in the game I thought. After a few beers with the rugby boys at the local bar I texted her my address (bad idea) and headed home. I remembered on the way of my last hook up which turned out to be a guy posing as a girl, I really hope this one is legit. I got to my place, jumped in the shower and within moments of hoping out I heard a knock at the door, the moment of truth had arrived!
I opened the door and to my surprise she looked exactly like she was meant to! I invited her in, exchanged pleasantries, had a few drinks and then she asked “Can we have sex now?” You don’t have to asked me twice! The sex was pretty good nothing to write home about, or blog about. Afterwards we both fell asleep or so I thought, I woke up to the most fucking loud snoring, “I’m sleeping with a fucking frieght train” I thought. I jumped on my Twitter and I was shocked to see she had posted photos of herself with an asleep me to her followers (luckily she only has 200 but still). The posts read something like “sleeping with blogger Tattooed Mulligan #love” What the hell, I quietly grabbed her phone trying not to wake the freight train. Yes! No password protection, I went onto her camera roll and what I saw creeped me out, this weirdo had taken selfies with my Tattooed penis!! What the fuck! I immediately deleted them all, deleted her twitter post, woke her up and verbally threw her out of my house. Through all the commotion of kicking her out she couldn’t understand what she did wrong, laughing it off as if it wasn’t a big deal to which I replied “Maybe take a photo when i’m actually conscious would be a start” With that I slammed the door on her and went back to bed.phonecall
Since then I have blocked her on Twitter but have I have still had hundreds of texts and phone calls. Today after coming back from a run I had 13 bloody missed calls. Why aren’t there any normal girls out there???

Road Trip Night Two Tauranga

The second night of the weekend road trip took me to Tauranga this past Friday.  I left Hamilton around lunchtime with a sore head and an as equally sore penis. I decided to stop in and get a sex check at family planning as for some stupid reason I decided not to wear protection last night. Breaking my own rule of ALWAYS wearing protection, especially in Hamilton. This old weird looking lady is at reception at the clinic. I give her my name and surprise surprise they have me on file! I nervously wait in the waiting room, as people come in to wait for their appointments I can’t help but feel dirty. Finally my name gets called and I make my way into the lady doctor’s room. I explain to her that I didn’t wear protection last night so immediately she tells me that we should do a couple of tests. The first test she did was put this huge looking brush down my pee hole which on the way up scraped the inner sides of my penis to get DNA off it. FML that is seriously the most uncomfortable thing I have been through ….well apart from getting a tattoo on my penis which she saw and of course started asking questions about. The other test was just to wee in a cup which was actually pretty hard after having that brush up there. She told me I would get the results back in 3 working days but until then wear protection.

By this stage it was going on 5pm so I head to my mates place at Mount Maunganui and from there we head to the Mount Melic bar. Its karaoke night at the bar so after two shots of confidence juice my mate and I decide to have a go. We belt out Pinks ‘Just Give Me a Reason’ to a great reaction. By the end of it we got a $200 bar tab for the most enthusiastic singers, we didn’t even know it was a competition! By this stage the night began to get hazier and hazier. I remember lining 5 shots of tequila up and just downing them, I also remember giving shots to this girl we had been chatting to earlier on. She continued to hang around until the bar was going to close and if I recall correctly, she was going to come home with me. That was until this happened. We were outside chatting and she was having a smoke and we decided to hook up. Mid-way through kissing I could taste the gross taste of cigarettes. Now mix that in with my already curdling stomach from all the different types of alcohol consumed and I guess you know what happens next. Her tongue was down my throat when all of a sudden I could feel spew coming up. Luckily I managed to pull away just in time, but unfortunately her shoes got the majority of the spew. “What the fuck” she shreaks and takes off towards a waiting taxi. I continue throwing up until my mate comes out to get me and take me home, top guy!

Well that’s it for Round 2 of the 3 day road trip I am still recovering from what happened. Saturday night’s adventures I will post on Wednesday!

Manscaping

A boy or man comes to a point in his life when he looks down at his neither region and thinks ‘jeez that’s a bit hairy!’ Manscaping is what it’s generally referred to and if you are in your late teens or twenties, surely you have manscaped. If you haven’t I have a couple of tips before you decide to pick up ya mums razor to start pruning your pube bush.

A wise man once said ‘a little less lawn makes the tree appear taller’. Make it look natural. Firstly, do not use a razor! Girls get away with the shaven look, it’s hot. Real hot. I’m pretty sure if I was a girl and a guy pulled his pants down to show a bald doodle I would run for the hills! It just looks super weird. Also you’re likely to get ingrown hairs.

Using wax or that cream stuff will likely end in blood, sweat and a nasty rash. It usually doesn’t work very well anyway. All I use is the good old scissors, making sure not to cut anything off. Although I have attempted to cut the hair off my balls one time when I was drunk and gave the poor old sack cut. Don’t drink and snip!

Luckily I don’t have hair on my chest, although if I did I would probably give that Nads cream a go. I would never ever ever ever touch the hair under my arms after seeing what happened to a guy in my rugby team. He shaved under his arms and all that friction from sweat and what not created disgusting boils of puss and sweat under his arms, it was so sick!

That’s it for Tattooed Mulligans Friday quickie. Enjoy ya weekend and remember – Play hard, shag harder!

See you Monday!

Why I hate blow jobs

Blow jobs; what guy doesn’t love a girl creating magic down there with her lips, mouth and if you’re lucky her throat 😉 Well sadly I don’t like them, it’s not really the fact I don’t like them per say, it’s that…well after this next story I share you might have a better understanding as to why. I have just found my old iPhone which has sparked this story from reading through old texts.

It was summer time here in New Zealand, it was January 2009. Girls were looking for summer lovin’ and I was more than happy to be multiple girls’ summertime fling. Single Ladies by Beyoncé was the number one song in the country which was great as when that song came on in the club it was so easy to spot the single girls. They’d be the ones waving their arms about asking for someone to put a ring on it. That’s not me love, but thank you for helping me out by letting me know you’re single.

Each year when I lived in Hamilton I would spend a month of summer in Tauranga at my parents. Hamilton nightlife was dead with university over for the year. At the same stage Tauranga town experiences it’s busiest two months of the year with all the uni kids back an of coarse all the tourists that flock in their masses to be by the beautiful beach.

One night I went out with two of my cousins that had come over from Australia who I hadn’t seen in a few years. We had been going bar to bar and they were really impressed by how I could pull the girls. I had hooked up with a few girls but nothing too great – that was until we entered the Bahama Hut night club. Soon Beyoncé’s single ladies came on, I spotted my pray busting out some ridiculous dance moves. I pounced; coming in with my dice shaker moves. Here’s a quick tip, if you know that they know that you know that your making a dick out of yourself by dancing and you get them to laugh your already at first base! She was a hot looking brunette, she looked around 20 years old and I could tell by her glassy eyes that she was as drunk as I felt. I waited for the song to finish and I quickly whispered in her ear that I thought she was hot.  Touching her arm I pulled away giving a sheepish smile and that’s all it took! After about another half a song we were playing tonsil hockey. I looked over at my two cousins and they gave me the big thumbs up. I took her up to the bar where we sunk a good half dozen shots. At this stage I was completely wasted, somehow we ended up in the girl’s toilet. She started speaking and I noticed she had a British accent, I love accents. She ordered me to take my pants off, I took them off and she started giving me head. It hurt so much she was using her teeth so much every suck it got worse. I was too wasted to tell her to stop but it felt like she was grating my dick in her mouth. All of a sudden she began to slow down the back and forth motion of the blow job. As I looked down I could see she was beginning to coma out, I began to lean back pulling my penis away from her but as I did she was falling back against the wall to coma. She bit down on my dick! Fortunately I had successfully pulled most of it out but I couldn’t get the tip out in time. As her teeth penetrated through the flesh of my cock I let out the biggest scream. I shook her head to wake her and luckily she immediately came to. I looked down at my best friend (not the girl, my penis!) and it had teeth holes in with dark dark blood beginning to ooze out. I snapped out of my drunken state and took off into the boy’s bathroom. My poor penis was so sore; I stuffed some toilet paper down my undies to form a makeshift nappy, grabbed my cousins and taxied home.

It took ages for my penis to heal and it was so painful whilst it tried to form a scab. Since then I have never trusted another girl with my penis in their mouth, if I did they have to be stone cold sober. I just have to look down and see the tooth scars on my mate to support my decision!

Tattooed Tips

My Guide to Tattoos

I only thought I was going to get one or two tattoos’ when I was younger. 10 years later I have one on my penis! For a first tattoo you want to start off small for the main reason being that you might not like the pain. For my first I got an Irish clover on my right arm. A tip for getting a tattoo DO NOT DRINK THE NIGHT BEFORE, I bled so much during my first tattoo and nearly passed out, it almost put me off getting another one. . almost.299

Always make sure you defiantly want what you are getting tattooed. I have the PlayStation symbols on my knuckles! Do I regret this? Shit yes! I play Xbox but I got convinced by the tattooist to get the PlayStation symbols. Which brings me to my next tip, don’t let your tattooist squash your idea – they are there to help and offer their opinion, not to completely knock your idea of what you want because at the end of the day it’s your skin not theirs.

223805_279911465451314_717625694_nIf you’re getting a quote or name make sure it is spelt correctly. My mate got a massive one on his chest saying ‘Live Fast Die Hard’, the tattooist for some reason tried to get all fancy with the V in live and it now looks like ‘Libe Fast Die Hard’, totally retarded.

Don’t get a fashion tattoo! Remember those tribal tattoo’s that where barely cool in the 90’s?? Well come 15 years later they are shite! They looked only acceptable on wrestling back then. Lately the new “in” tattoo is the feather with birds exploding out of it or something similar to the same effect, just don’t become a sheep get something that shows your individuality.

Last piece of advice is don’t be a tight arse with your money.tattoo-bad-vs-good A fifty dollar tattoo will get a fifty dollar job. Look around for a tattooist with a style that you like. Stalk their Facebook page if they have one and see if you like their designs. If you come to Tauranga look up Bray Revolver, he is by far the best tattooist I have seen in a long long time. His black and white pieces are amazing. If you’re in Hamilton, hit up Flax Roots tattoos, an artist called Ali Selliman is fantastic with cartoons and animals. He did my grenade on my hand and I love it.

Anyway there are a few tips on getting a tattoo if you are getting one show me on twitter @mullied I would love to see what you get!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fright Night

My mates and I decided to have a long over due catch up one weekend earlier this year. Teeps, Tim, Hanz, Darren and I all got together at my place while my flatmates were away. I lite a bonfire in the backyard in a steel bin I had pinched from work for the weekend. We shared stories and tales of our adventures in the world. Teeps had just gotten back from Scotland; he had shaved all his hair off because he was going bald. I remember thinking shit we are only twenty six and he’s already bald, poor guy. They decided it was time for me to get back on the shaggin’ wagon, so off to town we went. Now if you have been to town in Tauranga you will know how shit house it is. Once upon a time it used to pump. Grumpy Mole, Buddha Lounge, Coyote these bars were part of the foundation that made Tauranga night life special. Sadly all have closed now.

When we arrived Teeps asked where all the clubs are. Well to be honest there’s only a certain one that goes off now and it’s the Bahama Hut. So into the Bahama Hut we went. I ended up pulling a girl which was such an ego booster because this was my first girl since I had been dumped. It made it so much sweeter because none of my mates did. I took her back to my house, my flatmate had a sweet king size bed so we shacked up in there. I completely forgot about my tattoo on my penis. It was still lumpy, it had pretty much healed but the tattoo was still raised and looked yuck. We started kissing passionately, before I knew it she was going down on me. All I remember in my drunken state was the girl asked why the hell does it feel lumpy for. I immediately started to panicked as I had completely forgotten to mention my tattoo on my penis. Before I could explain she whipped the lights on and my penis was exposed in all its tattooed glory. Her eyes went as wide as two bowling balls and she let out a shrill scream. As fast as a ninja her clothes were back on and she was gone before I could even explain it was just a tattoo

!evil-dead-girl-screaming