The Happy Ending Massage Story

For a guy who prides himself on being a bit of a sexual deviant, I haven’t had a happy ending massage… WTF! I was in Melbourne two weekends back for a catch up with some mates when one of them questioned if I had ever had a erotic Thai massage. My answer quite simply was no, but dammit this motivated me to have one!

Now for those of you who don’t know what a erotic Thai massage is; basically it’s just a massage with a hand job at the end.. basically. Now let’s paint the scene before we get to the happy ending.

On the Thursday  I flew out to Melbourne, loaded up with duty free booze and as soon as we touched down it was balls to the walls drinking.

I was staying in a motel in the heart of the city called Space Motel, an upmarket hostel. I met my mates who had booked the same motel. By this stage I was fucking legless and the rest of the night’s a bloody blur.

I woke up at about 6am in a pool of my own piss, yes human fucking urine. So for the next day I went shopping for a bloody blow dryer to dry my sheets and pee-infused mattress.

The next night I bedded a Swedish chick and my god, she was freaking sexy. I took her back to my room and we were enjoying the drunk sex for a few minutes until she noticed the bed was wet. My pee hadn’t dried and it fucking STUNK, in her broken English she said “eww pee pee ewww disgusting” and she took off, fuck me dead that was so bloody embarrassing.

Finally it was the day of the massage. After scouting a few places I settled on one in the city called Tender Touch. When I arrived I was welcomed by an Asian-looking Mr Bean, “Hi are you here for some boom boom?” he asked, “No, no, just a massage, happy one” I explained. He stood there for a second so I continued saying “Massage” and sign language with my hands “happy ending” doing the wanking action. “Oh oh ok hi hi, I bring girls for you to pick.”

After about 10 girls walking out introducing themselves to me, I felt like a judge on American Idol about to give one the ticket to Hollywood. I ended up choosing Ayumi, a slim looking Asian who was very, very beautiful. She invited me into the room “You undress now, all clothes off” she commanded. She came back in as I had stood there naked, “You sure you no want boom boom, you a sexy man?” she asked trying to up-sell me a shag. “No, no just a massage and happy ending thanks”

She begin massaging my back and holy heck it was so good, just the right amount of pressure. She worked her way down to my bum and began massaging me bum hole, “This is fucking weird” I thought. She focused on this area a bit too much, rubbing her thumbs into the hole. After drinking heavily the night before, all this did was make me wanna have a poo. “Turn over now” she told me. I turned over and she began the happy ending. She began rubbing my balls and then eventually started wanking me. I didn’t last long, she was that good I exploded all over my stomach. “Ohh wow lots of juice” she giggled and with that she left the room.

Well that was different but I’m glad I can tick that off my deviant bucket list. Wonder what I could do next? The Mile High club sounds like a good idea!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys and gals. Thanks so much for reading my blogs over the year.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn 

A lot can happen in a week. Feelings can develop, friendships can blossom and in some bloody odd cases; popcorn can be thrown. Now retracing my steps from last weeks blog, Kate told me she loved me whilst shagging and then again the next day. Following some good advice from some twitter tweeps (is that what their called?). I talked her feelings through and found out she had been in an abusive relationship recently where her partner didn’t treat her well, and then meeting me she said I treated her like a queen. So I worked out that she didn’t actually love me, she just loved how I had made her feel. 
Moving forward to this week, we had an awesome weekend with her staying at my house exploring each others bodies through epic shagging sessions that lasted what seemed like hours (in reality it probably lasted a good 10 minutes). One thing she mastered was whilst she was on top in cowgirl she could turn around into reverse cowgirl without my doodle falling out, fucking amazing! 

So on Monday and Tuesday night I was in Hamilton on a work do so I couldn’t see Kate. Although we would be texting constantly until Tuesday night when I didn’t hear from her apart from the shitty “nite hun x” bullshitty text. Now Wednesday comes along and off to the movies we go to watch that Paranormal Activity 3D. Thinking that everything was good between us I rip a hole in the bottom of the popcorn and stick my penis through it. Chuckling away to myself I think “man I can’t wait till she reaches for some popcorn and grabs my salted penis”. 30 minutes go by and she hasn’t touched the popcorn nor is she watching the movie, shes on her phone. The bright light of of her screen is annoying the shit out of me so I decide to glance over at her, moving my eyes under my 3D glasses looking at her phone to see whats so important. I see she is in her messages and notice she is texting “Chaz”. Wait a minute her ex’s name is Chaz. My heart sunk as I began reading along to what she was saying. “Can I see you tonight, keen for pipe time” was a message I made out that he had said. Hoping to god she was going to say something like “get lost dickhead”. I watched on as she said “maybe later, text you after xx.” Well my sadness turned to rage, as this was the girl that was going on about how much of a prick this guy was and how abusive he had been towards her, fuck sake what is she doing. I looked down and noticed my dick was still in the popcorn, now I’m no saint and already regret this but I decide to pee on the popcorn a little. Without her knowing it I grabbed the napkins I had gotten with my ice cream wiped the excess wee off me and once the credits started rolling I said “I see you have been texting fucking Chaz, you two deserve each other” and with that I dumped the pee soaked popcorn over her head.

Well since then I have only had two texts which happened to be right after I walked out of the movies by myself. Firstly one to say “I’m sorry Sean” quickly followed by “did you fucking pee on this popcorn you sick fucking fuck” to which I said “Well its a lot better then the p your’re obviously going to smoke with Chaz tonight, goodbye Kate.”

So yeah that wraps up my time with Kate, onwards and upwards for me. 

Enough to drink

How do you know when you have had enough to drink in a night? Throwing up? Passing out? Getting breath tested? These are the common ways that normal people would know when enough is enough. Fortunately for you readers I’m not a normal guy, as much as I make out I am. I get myself into some fucked up situations.

I hate going into town when it’s one of those nights that every girl just seems uninterested, my ego takes a hammering and I just feel like going home to have a cry-wank combo. That was until I become a gold member on an NZ Dating website. I couldn’t help it, I love sex. I would go onto the website, change the preferences to Sexual meetings and just go for it. So this time when town was sucking I went to the toilet in The Outback night club in Hamilton, closed the door and sat in the toilet making it my sex office while I prepared to arrange a booty call. At this stage on a Saturday night the NZ dating site was thriving with traffic with all the solo mums on it looking for a chat, or in a lot of cases, a quick shag. I found one girl that was online but I didn’t have enough battery on my phone to exchange pleasantries so I immediately asked her if she wanted a shag. For a girl that’s 25 with the username HotWetANDReady it took a bloody lot of convincing to meet up! Finally she caved after I sent her a penis picture, I told her where I was and she promised to come pick me up.

At this stage my mood had perked up, as I walked out of the toilet I bumped into my mates whom were partaking in a yardy competition. I had to get involved! We went outside of the club where it had become a bit of a spectacle. They gave me a huge yard glass full of beer mixed with straight vodka. I smashed it; we continued to drink for what seemed an hour.yardyyy  Shit, I had completely forgotten about the NZ dating girl, I checked my phone and luckily she had just pulled up an was waiting.

I staggered out to her, completely out of it. Looking back I don’t know why she let me in her car, I must of looked like a complete write off but she did and after an awkward hello we headed back to her place.  It was all a big blur from here, I remember her asking me if I had a condom which I didn’t and neither did she, which mustn’t have mattered because we got straight into having sex.  I remember attempting doggy style but I couldn’t hold myself up I was far too drunk. So I just lay there and let her go for it. By this point all that alcohol I had downed from the yardy had made its way down into my bladder. She was still on top of me and suddenly I thought I was going to cum “I’m not sure if I’m gonna cum or piss” I said, She said “what’s that?” TOO LATE it’s piss!!!  I began relieving myself right there inside her.  She quickly realised that’s too much fluid to be cum, “WHAT THE FUCK!” she screamed as she got off me but I couldn’t stop. Urine continued to come out everywhere all over the bed. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry I don’t know what’s happening” I say. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”  She screams. I quickly grab my clothes, not even putting my pants on and I take off. I had no idea what suburb I was in so I staggered to the end of the street to see what the street sign said. Luckily I was only one suburb away from where I was living. I woke up to about 20 messages from her in pure rage threatening to get her brother onto me or what not; I can’t blame her that was so disgusting of me. I had already said sorry to her so I just text back “does your brother want to get pissed in too!!?”

And that’s when I knew I had enough to drink; I relived myself in someone.  Safe to say I haven’t had a yardy since.

That’s it from me till next Monday, hope you all enjoyed it. Remember, Play hard and shag harder!!

Ps Buy a Tattooed Mulligan T shirt 😉