The Good The Bad The Shags

Well I have already completed my New Years resolution of 2017 and we are only 10 days into the New Year. It was to see how long I could stay celibate for in 2017. Well I got the answer to that…56 bloody minutes into the new year! 
If you haven’t been reading my twitter I went to the biggest music festival New Zealand puts on all year: Rhythm & Vines for New Years. From where I live in Tauranga its a bit of a drive to get to the festival. Four hours of winding scenic roads. I took off at 10am on the 31st with one of my girl mates, she didn’t wanna pay for petrol so she offered to pay in other ways on the way down 😉 hitchhikers special is what I like to call it. 

We arrived there at around 3 and saw that to get in the car park to R&V they search your car for alcohol and confiscate it. Fuckers! I do a uturn and park almost directly across the road and down as many bloody shots as I can. “Any alcohol in your car guys?” one of the security guards says. “not anymore” I reply with a large smirk coming across my face. 

We park up and begin chatting to a van of German girls parked next to us, they happily share their straight vodka they had sneaked in (in their McDonalds cups). One of them is completely stunning, I gravitate to her and begin flirting with her, she is pretty lite and lets me know she has been drinking since lunchtime. Her friends wanna go back into the festival, she says she will catch up. My girl mate knows what I’m up to and heads to the portaloo. I jump into the German van and begin to hook up with this hot German. Now I wish i could say more happen than kisses but she told me it was that time of month, which was fine with me, I was just stoked I had hooked up with someone without even stepping a foot into the festival!

After about half a dozen security checks (which included a full body pat down) I started to make my way into the festival. As I walked past the dehydration station tents I was immediately grabbed roughly by two security guards “STOP RIGHT NOW!” the big one boomed at me grabbing my arms tightly. The other one radioed to another one of his guards “can you confirm the tattoo on his neck is a butterfly” he asked. “whats going on? I just got here” I said to them but they weren’t listening. After what felt like an eternity they got a reply from the guard that I wasn’t the guy they were looking for. I was free to go with not even an apology, fucking rude bastards! 

After that small hiccup it was time to get some beers in me and enjoy the show! Now if you’re thinking of going to R&V in the future the best place I found to pick up girls is the line waiting to get drinks. Now this fucking line was so bloody long, it gave you a good chance to chat to the people behind or in front of you. 

It wasn’t long before I hooked up with someone, then another then another. This is fucking paradise I thought! As I was waiting to go for a wee a girl came out of the portaloo and flashed her tits at me laughing and throwing her bra at me. “R&V fuck yea wahoooo” she screams, obviously on pingers or something. 

3, 2, 1 happy new year!!! me and the girl I came down with neck on with each other, shes a bloody amazing kisser, as the fireworks began to go off one big firework nearly went off in my bloody pants as I got a very happy New Year hand job. We split up again and went to look for girls and guys to dance with. 

Now as I said before the best place to meet chicks and potentially hook up with them I found was the drinks line…well I also found the fucking worst place in the worst way. After breaking the seal I had to go for another wee pretty soon after the first. As I waited and waited for whoever was in this certain portaloo to finish it never crossed my mind that whoever was in there might be throwing their guts up. 

So this stunning girl opens the door and pulls me inside. You are so fucking sexy she slurs at me. We start having sex in this fucking portaloo, shes on top of me jumping up and down. She then goes to kiss me and she tastes like fucking vomit, what the fucking fuck I thought immediately pulling away from her hot breath stinky mouth. We finish up and I fucking get out of there was fast as I can, gurgling my beer around my mouth to get the taste of spew out, yuck. 

I meet my girl I came down here with back at my car at around 5am and we watch the first sunrise of 2017 in style… doggy style. HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS!

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The Proposition

Wow what a great weekend it has been, my Mum asked me what my plans are for Easter. With a smirk I said “The same as Jesus: disappear on Friday, show up on Monday.” I headed to Napier on Good Friday, the roads were packed with families all going in different directions for the long weekend. As I went through the Napier Taupo gorge I passed the paddock were I had crashed before in the blog ‘Meeting Mountain Woman’ and noticed a sweet new fence had been constructed with a home made sign saying ‘SLOW DOWN!’ when I got to Tim’s I was greeted with a cold beer and a manly hug. We began chatting about the good old days. I asked what exactly are we doing tonight, and with a grin Tim told me we are going to one of his girl mates 21st birthday parties – fucking sweet i thought! We arrived at the party already half cut, they had booked out this huge hall and it was packed! We started mingling, I was riding Tim’s coat tail for a bit which was getting boring following him around. Finally somebody asked me what I do for a job, I quickly went through all the jobs in my head I could be but came back with the most trusty answer ‘Im a tattooist’ I replied with a smirk. I was finally the “it man” with everybody wanting to talk to me about what they wanted to get tattooed. As the night was getting on, I was becoming the life of the party joking, dancing and chatting to everyone, at one stage I’m pretty sure the granny wanted to shag me but lets not digress. Tim suggested we stay at the party over going to town as there was a sweet bar tab, I wasn’t going to complain everybody was loving this (fake) tattooist. Two of the people I were hanging around with the most were this couple Erin and Dan I think their names were. She was smoking hot but he was kinda nerdy, I found out it was her birthday so I brought over a round of shots which went down a treat. These two kept disapeering which I found annoying as they were the two I was hanging around with. After the third time I asked them where they were going. With a cheeky smirk she replied quite bluntly “for a fuck, i’m a nympho” shocked I replied “whoa, nice!” As the party was wrapping up I looked at Dan, the poor guy looked buggered. I toddled off to the toilet, I started going for a leak when heard a voice behind me “can I asked you of you would be interested in something?”. It was Dan, I put my snake back in my pants turned around and nodded, he continued “well as you know it’s Erin’s Birthday today and she has always wanted to have a threesome with two guys”. Oh shit I know where this is going, he paused and took a big gulp then followed with “would you like to come back to ours with us? I think you would be perfect because your not from here”. Fuck me this took me by surprise. Now normally I would say no but thinking of this blog and what a great story it would make I agreed.
Dan went back to tell Erin the good news, she hugged him, grabbed his hand and ran over to me “Lets go home” she grinned grabbing my hand too. As I headed towards the exit I yelled out to Tim “I’m going home with these two” he looked at me with a puzzled grin as if to think “what the fuck for”. As we got back to their place I noticed Dan was as uncomfortable as me “we don’t have to do this bro” I said “na na I owe her since for my birthday we had a threesome with her girl mate”. What a fucked up relationship I thought, what ever happened to a gift voucher or some bloody flowers. We all got naked, I had no clue what the limits were so I just stood there like a twit, she began to give as both oral which was great…. if the bloody light wasn’t on. Poor ol Dan couldn’t get it up but me on the other hand was standing to attention, so Erin decided to have doggy style with me while still performing oral on Dan. I asked again before I started “you all good with this bro?” He nodded so for the next 15 minutes I shag this poor guys girlfriend in front of him even making her climax. God I was feeling for the guy. After we finished he went all weird and said he wanted to sleep now so not wanting his sadness to turn to anger I quickly got dressed and said goodbye and hiked back to Tim’s.
Well apart from sleeping with a girl the following night who filmed me snoring, that was probably the most interesting thing that happened on my Easter weekend. Thanks for reading!

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Nrl Nines Blog

The Auckland NRL Nines are nearly here! I have had my tickets sorted for weeks. I went last year and before the first game had finished I knew without a doubt I would be coming back each year. I used to go to the Sevens but got sick of not knowing any of the players, and also the number of people that just went there to get completely drunk and cause trouble. I found at the Nines since there are league superstars in each team the crowd has more interest as to what’s going on on the field. That’s not to say its not an awesome party type atmosphere but to me it just felt more behaved.

A car load of me and my mates went up last year from Hamilton and had a great time! One thing I regret though is not getting dressed up in costumes as there were hundreds of good looking girls everywhere, and they all were asking for photos with all the guys dressed up – dammit! After day one had finished buses and buses full of party goers headed for town which was awesome because a lot of us stuck together which made it an awesome night. I met one chick that was a Roosters supporter who I gave shit to most of the night as I’m a Rabbitohs man through and through. She gave great banter back and we ended up going home together, its safe to say i made her sing glory glory to South Sydney that night!

The last day of the Nines was even better than the first, although having a huge hangover didn’t help. It still didn’t stop me enjoying what was happening on the field. The semi finals were intense and the final was fantastic. Hopefully this year the final will pit the Rabbitohs and Warriors in the final, now that would be one awesome game! The countdown is on and come Saturday the 31st of January you can bet the NRL Nines is going to be one event you can’t miss!mates

Hangover Cures

As I lay in bed with the taste of last night’s regrets on my tongue, I can hear my head pounding and I start googling ‘hangover cures’. I guess many others have been in this predicament too because a number of remedies came up and yahoo questions on the topic came up too. I have tried a million different things to stop a bad hangover in its tracks and thought I would share a few with you guys.

Water. After a night of boozing I usually feel dehydrated so before actually going to bed I skull a 750ml bottle of water, which seems to make the hangover not feel as bad the next day.

Powerade Blue: This stuff is good; although slightly overrated here in New Zealand, known as ‘the best thing for a hangover’. It does make me feel a lot fresher but still only ever so slightly helps with the pounding head.

Energy Drink. After smashing fizzy drink after fizzy drink the last thing I feel like the next day is more fizzy drink, especially an energy drink that tastes like an RTD. On a positive note the caffeine in it wakes me up a bit, but the crash two hours later is the WORST!

Alcohol. I have woken up a few times and carried on drinking this made the following days hangover the worst ever.

Fry up. Drinking too much alcohol can eliminate your body’s supply of potassium and calcium. Having a fry up with hash browns, eggs and bacon is an excellent way to get the stuff back.

The best best best thing for a hangover I have tired is probably pretty controversial, but the best thing I have used for a hangover is an antidepressant pill called Lorazepam. My old flat mate had a tone of them and he suggested trying one after a night of boozing. I tried it and within half an hour my head was clear and I was good to go.

Well that is it from me! Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

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