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Middle Of Nowhere Date Recap

If you watch too much of something you get convinced real life is going to be like that. Well that’s exactly what happened to me last night. As I lay in bed trying to recount what exactly happened to me, all I can do is laugh…

I had been chatting to a girl on Tinder for a week or so, when she asked if I would like to meet up. I looked at how far away she was, about a two hour or so round trip. I agreed. This meant I could keep Twitter informed as my dating posts were live. 

Now, if you haven’t followed my live Twitter dating updates before shame on you! But, people seem to get a kick out of me updating everyone on how a date is progressing. 

So after an hour drive to the middle of nowhere, I finally came across her address. Her house looks like something out of one of ‘The Conjuring’ movies. The outside of the house was run down to fuck. I knocked on the door, and had convinced myself that the fucking Texas chainsaw dude was about to answer the door and saw my cock off. But to my surprise the girl I had been messaging answered the door. Fuck yes! She greeted me with a smile and welcomed me in.

There were no pubs where my date lived, so we drank at her place and then eventually went to her friends. We chatted about bullshit like cars, hunting and fishing which I had know idea about, but I was winging it and sprinkled bullshit on top made those conversations work. 

We got to her friends place just before 8pm, which I thought was pretty early, but not for her friend who had already polished off 10 x 7% cans of whiskey and cola. She was happy to see us. That happiness must’ve been a relief as she wanted us to play the drinking game, kings cup/circle of death/ four kings ….fuck….

At first her friend refused to let us play, telling us to take 4 shots of vodka so we would be on her level. We took the shots and the game was on! With some luck I got the rule card a couple of times. The first rule I made was pretty tame “if someone turns over a heart card you have to act out what your favourite thing to do in foreplay is. WOW! So I have never got my finger sucked before, but fuck me that was one lucky finger. The pressure was spot on and the technique was fucking lush. I wished it was something else feeling that pressure.


After all three of us were pretty sloshed, I decided to push my luck and make a saucy rule. “If either of you pick up a heart you have to kiss” I felt like a fucking horny 16 year old announcing this, minus the erection and with a pretty happy sucked off finger.

Well my date got a heart and they kissed. A peck? No, these middle of nowhere chicks were going hard. They were groping each other, their tongues getting lost in each others mouths. Well have no fear Mullie was there! I wanted the game to continue so I got in the middle of them. I honestly tried to remind them of the importance of the game at hand. “Fuck the game” the friend said as she knocked away the cards “give us that cock”

If there was an Olympic medal for getting naked I would have won it. Those two eager beavers commanded my clothes came off and that I gave them the D. Within seconds I was completely naked. They started giving me head and for the next 10 minutes we continued the foreplay. Eventually,  I decided it was time for my ‘lil boy’ to venture into a couple of blackholes. As I got it ready my date said “Lets do the swamp thing.” The fuck…? I thought as I laid there with a rock hard one.

They grabbed my hands and took me outside, for some reason I thought I was going to be sacrificed to the bloody middle of nowhere gods. But luckily that wasn’t the case. Those two horny girls just wanted to fuck outdoors. Most of us call it public sex, dogging or just simply sex outside, but not these girls. They had made my penis retreat into my body as they took me outside for some fucking swamp thing.

Luckily, a bit of mouth to mouth resuscitation woke ‘lil mate’ up and we fucked outside while the full moon beamed down on us. What a bloody great time to be alive. Now I wish I could sound like a blogging pimp and say we were out there shagging for fucking ages but no. Uncle Mulligan tired his best not to explode by thinking of his grandma in the middle of the fun but eventually I fucking exploded like firework in a letterbox.

We then went inside because who wants to cuddle outside. They continued drinking and I stopped in preparation to drive back early Sunday morning. I had a nap on the couch and as soon as my alarm went off I was greeted with morning sex.

 I bloody love the middle of nowhere!!!
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Live Tweeting at a Swingers Party

Sometimes going to something the second time never lives up to what it was like the first time. But suck me sideways, this second time at a swingers party was amazeballs!
I got permission to live tweet the event as last time I shagged the hosts; I didn’t even know they were until we got invited to a private Facebook group to set this party up. The only conditions people had were no photos and no names on the tweets which was fine by me.

When we got to the party there was no sign of the dude who had the pineapple rings around his penis – which sucked as he was pretty funny. It was almost a completely different set of people apart from the hosts and one other couple. 

After chatting for a while, every second person was a business owner from around the local area obviously looking for a bit of fun away from the stresses of work.

Two pretty extroverted couples announced they are going into the bedroom and people were free to come watch. You don’t have to tell me fucking twice or my partner in crime for that fact. These couples weren’t shy either, dicks, fannies, tits and balls were on show for everybody to see. The couples started sucking their partners then changed over. The guys followed suit then oral, one of the girl’s bushes looked straight out of the 70’s, hairy as fuck. I felt sorry for the dudes that had to eat that, a little care trim goes a long way. 

The guys began shagging these two woman missionary, then swapping over, then the girls wanted a go on top. One of the woman told me to grab her tits, this is awesome I thought! Not long both guys’ corks blew and it was back to the party we went. 

We started chatting to a younger couple who seemed pretty cool, girl was blonde about 5’1′ and looked about 25. The bloke was in his early thirties from what I could tell. They were newly married but had an open relationship from the get go as they both liked sharing each other. 

They invited us to go down to a room, my date was a little reluctant because the guy thought he was hot shit, but she knew I wanted to shag his mrs so off we went. Now you know when some people like heaps of sauce of their fries/chips? Well these motherfuckers were the same when it pertained to lube. Fuck me they used what felt like half a bottle on my date and me. It was the slipperiest fuck ever, so slippery I went to do doggy style with the dude’s mrs and my dick slid right into her arse. “Ughhhhhhh” she yelped, “wrong hole! wrong hole!” 

Apart from the overuse of the lube the sex was amazing, the woman was amazing on top and even twerked – fucking awesome! We left the party not long after that still smelling like strawberry fucking lube!

Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.2

The next day was just a day out with my flatmate whom I had promised I would spend a day with to do all the touristy bullshit. To say this day didn’t drag would be a fucking understatement, it started off fun with Madame Tausauds wax museum, but then went to some bloody lizard wildlife crap. As we began queuing to get in about half a fucking school of little 9-10 year old Australian kids did too. Now picture the most annoying fucking accent and add pre puberty squeakiness to that then add fucking volume, you get the worst thing on fucking earth. As we walked around looking at these stupid fucking lizards that just lay there doing sweet fuck all, these kids were going nuts. Running into everyone and screaming like fuck. I almost chucked a couple of them into the snake enclosure, might’ve been the most excitement those poor snakes have had all year.   
After the day of doom it was time to get ready to go the the Golden Mile – Kings Cross! Now if you haven’t heard about Kings Cross, its like the red light district of Sydney. Bars, brothels, night clubs and my personal favourite strip clubs are all on offer in this delightful place, its like Disneyland for me. I started bar crawling jumping from bar to bar to find a cool atmosphere and cheapish drinks. I finally settled on one called Kings Cross Motel, the staff were so nice and the place was pumping with hot chicks. I started chatting to a group of girls by buying them a round of drinks which worked a treat and thats all it took. The next thing I know I’m on the dance floor kissing the face off this pretty ok looking ozzy. Things go down hill pretty fast though as the larger friend of her group decides to pull her away from me and tells her its time to call it a night. Everyone else in the group seemed to be having a great time but fucking chunkimus prime decided to shut the fucking fun down and go home. So I was all on my lonesome again, should I call it a night too I thought? Fuck no!!  

It was time to head to the strippers so I stroll down the street browsing which one I should go into and settle on Bada Bing nightspot. The girls are stunning and very welcoming. I immediately get given a free wee lap dance by probably the ugliest one there, to be honest I couldn’t wait for her to finish; she obviously was on the hustle as she must have seen me get one hundred dollars worth of stripper bucks out. She did a handstand putting her vagina right in my face, now usually this would be a guys dream mine but this fucking chick stunk like smoked bloody fish. I could smell it before she did the handstand move but when she did the handstand I almost threw up into her fucking vag. Luckily she couldn’t hold that position for long as I was trying so hard not to gag. Apart from that the rest of the night spent at the strip club was great! One of the dancers was a kiwi and gave me a sweet discount on a private dildo show and even let me stick the big black one in, wahoo! I ended up ubering it back to the motel at around 2am, luckily the nice manager at the strip club charged my phone for me as it was dead. 

Well that was it from my Sydney adventure, onwards to Perth. Lets see what the dating scene is like there!

A tinder meet up

To say I am still a little shaken up from what happened on Tuesday night is an absolute bloody understatement, and sometimes saying “fuck it, just go with it” is not a great moto to live by. After getting back from a big weekend with the boys in Hamilton I did what any single, warm blooded, horny, self-obsessed male would do had a crank and then I jumped on tinder for some fun. Now, I must confess I am no Tinder virgin; I have had my fair share of girls off there so in that respect I usually have a fair idea of what I am getting myself in for. I started swiping away and I suddenly turned into this fussy prick and was swiping everything to the left, that was until I found a really hot brunette chick that was only 1km away – walking distance! I swiped right and boom I had a match. We started chatting about the usual bullshit, she seemed really natural with all the flirting and was telling me everything I wanted to hear. The only weird thing was that she admitted to having a foot fetish and asked me for a picture. So I took a photo of my hairy arse foot and she fucking loved it! I eagerly wanted to meet up but she wasn’t to sure, but after a bit of subtle convincing she agreed to meet up, but told me to keep an open mind, hmmm weird but I thought she probably just has a insecurity about something.
I grabbed her number and texted her straight away, she gave me her address where she was staying which was just down the road at the local motel. I jumped in the shower had a wash, necked back 3 beers and 4 shots and I was out the door. I was in a great cheerful mood as I made my way to the motel. I texted her when I got there and waited. After 5 minutes she replied “I’m coming out but please keep an open mind”. I waited another couple of minutes and noticed a guy had come out of one of the units. “Are you Sean” he nervously asked. Oh fuck! Its her boyfriend I thought time to fucking run, “Yeah man that’s me, are you with Candice?” I asked. “Um ok don’t be mad but um well, I am Candice” he blurted out. FUCK SAKES! What the Fucking fuck, I had just been Catfished I thought. Now if you aren’t familiar with the term catfish its when someone pretends to be someone they’re not usually using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.
“What the fuck!” I said glaring at this middle aged guy clenching my fists ready to lay the smackdown on him. “Sorry, please please hear me out, I have an offer for you, please just hear me out” he pleaded “What is it!” I demanded. “Ok sorry I know I am not Candice, and I normally wouldn’t meet up with anyone I would just string them along on tinder, but your feet are just amazing I have a offer for you” he said looking at me, “Oh great your a guy with a foot fetish” I said shaking my head. “Yes yes i am, now if you let me take a few photos of your feet I will give you five hundred dollars cash” he said pulling out five one hundred dollars notes. I stood there for a moment puzzled, what the hell do I do? I wasn’t sure what to say, “um I’m not sure mate, this is messed up” I managed say. He looked at me while his hand was busy in his pocket. “Ok I have 6 hundred dollars, that’s my last offer” he said. What the hell should i do? I stood there a moment thinking and thinking then said “Let me have the money first and you have a deal” with caution in my voice. “No problem” he said handing over the cash. With that he invited me in. The first thing I noticed was a very expensive camera set up on a tripod, the second thing that caught my eye was what looked like a dog bed which in actual fact it probably bloody was. “Ohh k so how should we do this?” I nervously asked. He smiled and replied “If you could take your shoes off and give them a rinse in the shower while I will set up the camera. As I cleaned my feet I felt as if I was an innocent Anastasia Steele about to get shown the red room of pain by Christian Grey, what the fuck am I doing.
As I walked out of the bathroom he gasped “oh my god! those are lovely feet!” I looked down at my feet and back up at him, this guy is odd. He told me he would like me to sit on the bed and to put my feet into the dog bed which had been customised with a pink silky cloth sewn into it. He offered me a beer which I gladly accepted. “Let us begin” he smiled. He made me do all these weird poses with my feet, putting one on top of the other, scrunching them up and putting these creepy rings on them. With every photo taken he seemed to get more excited. I noticed he was kind of sweating, this guy is fucking loving this. He then made me put my hands on my feet as if I was stroking them “oh yeah just like that” he said wiping the sweat from his forehead as he snapped away. While all of this was happening I was chugging down the beers and in my drunken state of mind I had what I thought was a good idea. Thinking to myself wondered how much more cash he would give me if I let this prick lick my feet, fuck it i’ll ask him”. “How much would you consider paying if I let you lick these bad boys?” I questioned. “Oh my, would you let me do that, ok ok ok I will check my account. After a few moments of checking his bank he replied; “I could give you five more hundred”. Not to sell my feet short I paused and pretended I wasn’t sure if I was guna take it, then I said “deal”.
I finished all the beers in his mini bar fridge while he went and got the money out, what the fuck am I doing I thought yet again. He came back with the cash and gladly handed it over. “Ok you have five minutes, enjoy”. Now this next five minutes were the fucking worst five minutes I have EVER experienced, getting that tattoo on my penis wasn’t as bad as this. It was as if he was giving each one of my toes a fucking blow job, he must have really liked my big toes because he was sucking the shit out of them. “This is so good” he muffled with a mouthful of toes. “Ok your five minutes are up” I said with the sound of relief in my voice. “Thank you so much, this has been an amazing night” he said smiling. “Sweet as, goodnight” and with that I got the fuck out of there, this by far was the weirdest thing I have ever done!
I don’t know what the moral is to this story as I felt so weird the next morning even though I had a pocket full of cash. I guess you could say every bad situation can turn into a good situation if you have good looking toes.

 

 

 

Sleeping With A Celebrity

Before I start this story, I used to think that this was such an achievement and I would constantly brag about it to my mates. But looking back celebrities are just like us just with a lot more money and ego!

My friend Luke is a doctor in Auckland and he always bugs me to go up there and drink with him, I always made excuses when he asked me as he goes to all the swanky night spots on the Viaduct. The Viaduct has all the fancy clubs and bars where all of the ‘in’ people fester. I prefer the tourist clubs that have $2 shots and $4 beers.  I finally caved in and headed up from Hamilton to his place. He had a pretty cool apartment one street off Queen Street. We started drinking at his, preloading before we got into town.  Luke was drinking top shelf whiskey mixing it himself with coke showing off how well off he is. I could care less cracking into my double brown beer cans, nothing tastes better!

He asked what I was wearing to town with half a smirk on his face. I pointed to what I was wearing a pretty nice t-shirt with jeans and white shoes.  “You can’t wear that” he chuckled. He ended up giving me one of his dress shirts, dress pants and black shoes and away we went.

We met up with a few of his doctor mates at a bar called Bubble Champagne Loungebubble. The beers were $9.50 each, luckily my mate was shouting – I defiantly wasn’t going to complain. Suddenly this chick walked in with a couple a friends, I instantly knew who she was. She was off a show here in New Zealand called Shortland Street. Now, if you’re not familiar with Shortland Street I envy you!! It’s a New Zealand prime-time soap opera centering around the “real” Shortland Street Hospital. I quickly googled her to see if she had been in any independent films that the average Shortland Street fan wouldn’t really know about.  I had already got my drunken swagger on so I decided to go say hi. “Hi!” I yelled at her “I think your pretty awesome” she was pretty drunk or wasted herself she hugged me and said “thanks so much”  I continued and said ” I thought you portrayed your character in that film you were recently in really well” . She was surprised that I had seen it as it hadn’t got a theatrical release in cinemas as was one of those independant films. I continued to stroke her ego like this for the next half hour.

Finally my mate Luke came over and asked if we were going to our next bar, I asked her if she would like to come and she said yes. I was nervous with excitement. I quickly transferred $200 from my savings hoping that this could buy at least two bloody beers at the next place. It was going off at the next club; I think it was called Kermadec, or something like. I quickly got us shots and we continued talking. She suddenly asked what I did for work with no hesitation I blurted out tattoo artist. She totally dug that thank god. We started dancing and soon we began kissing. She asked where I was staying and I said just around the corner. I asked if she wanted to come back she nodded and gave a cheeky smile. I grabbed the keys of Luke and off we staggered.

We got to Luke’s and started kissing, she was so self-conscious though about taking her top off, I began to stroke her ego like I had done earlier. She loosened up and away we went. She asked if I could call her by her character’s name on off the movie she was in, fuck! I couldn’t remember it so I said ‘no no I wanna calll you by your Shortland Street chacter” she nodded. The sex was great apart from her calling me daddy which I found kinda creepy. Afterwards she needed to catch up with her friends by this stage it was about 1am so she left leaving me with her number. On her way out I said to her -“you know that Shortland Street you’re on?”  “Yeah?” she said “It’s a load of crap aye” I said laughing. I could see the anger in her face “um no its not!” she said and she slammed the door and that was that. So that was my experience sleeping with a famous person, nothing overly exciting but something funny to tell the mates about.

Fright Night

My mates and I decided to have a long over due catch up one weekend earlier this year. Teeps, Tim, Hanz, Darren and I all got together at my place while my flatmates were away. I lite a bonfire in the backyard in a steel bin I had pinched from work for the weekend. We shared stories and tales of our adventures in the world. Teeps had just gotten back from Scotland; he had shaved all his hair off because he was going bald. I remember thinking shit we are only twenty six and he’s already bald, poor guy. They decided it was time for me to get back on the shaggin’ wagon, so off to town we went. Now if you have been to town in Tauranga you will know how shit house it is. Once upon a time it used to pump. Grumpy Mole, Buddha Lounge, Coyote these bars were part of the foundation that made Tauranga night life special. Sadly all have closed now.

When we arrived Teeps asked where all the clubs are. Well to be honest there’s only a certain one that goes off now and it’s the Bahama Hut. So into the Bahama Hut we went. I ended up pulling a girl which was such an ego booster because this was my first girl since I had been dumped. It made it so much sweeter because none of my mates did. I took her back to my house, my flatmate had a sweet king size bed so we shacked up in there. I completely forgot about my tattoo on my penis. It was still lumpy, it had pretty much healed but the tattoo was still raised and looked yuck. We started kissing passionately, before I knew it she was going down on me. All I remember in my drunken state was the girl asked why the hell does it feel lumpy for. I immediately started to panicked as I had completely forgotten to mention my tattoo on my penis. Before I could explain she whipped the lights on and my penis was exposed in all its tattooed glory. Her eyes went as wide as two bowling balls and she let out a shrill scream. As fast as a ninja her clothes were back on and she was gone before I could even explain it was just a tattoo

!evil-dead-girl-screaming