CranKING 

INTERNATIONAL TATTOO EXPO: Wahooo I head off to it. The expo was held in New Plymouth, which is a 4 hour boring as fuckery drive through farmland. Sheep after sheep after fucking sheep, I started counting them which was a big mistake as I started to fall asleep. 
After a quick rest stop I injected a can of Red Bull into my system and off I went. I arrived in New Plymouth at around 4pm on Saturday. I found my backpackers with reasonable ease, even though New Plymouth has a fuck tonne of one way streets – which makes it bloody difficult to drive when ya stupid GPS tells you to turn down them! Fuck! 

I started drinking at my back packers almost immediately. I made friends with a German dude who couldn’t speak a lick of English. Funnily enough he knew the word penis and the phrase “let’s have a fuck”… Yes he was gay. No I didn’t sleep with him. 

After a few more beers I headed off to the tattoo expo. I arrived there and felt like a kid in a candy store, so many amazing artists creating amazing works of art. I took my time walking past each artists admiring their work. I saw Manu Vatuvei (famous Rugby League ) sussing out what to get. I told him “no point mucking around here mate, you need to get back on the park and work on catching a fucking ball”. He just looked at me and walked away hahahaha. 

I left the tattoo expo at 9pm and headed into town to a night spot called ‘Our Place’. Now during the day I had been on Tinder asking all these girls where they are drinking tonight and at least 4 of them said ‘Our Place’. Now me not knowing the New Plymouth scene I thought they meant they were drinking at their own fucking place… idiot. 

After doing the whole club thing for an hour or two I was in the mood to see some boobies…so off to the strippers I stumbled. Now here comes the funny part… when I got up to the strip club the place was fucking deserted, I saw one dude behind the bar swearing away to himself whilst holding his phone up to his ear. “Are you guys open?” I asked. He glanced over to me and said sadly “technically we are mate but the girls haven’t shown up for work.” What type of useless girls was he employing? Feeling sorry for him I bought a beer and had a chat admitting I was after a private lap dance with possible extras as this place operated as a brothel too. “Dam these girls” he said shaking his head “They have probably cost me at least 5 grand tonight with everyone I have turned away.” Now here comes the funny part, I told him I had already taken a Viagra and joked I would have to stumble back to the backpackers and rub one out. He stopped for a minute and said “Mate I can help you with that”. Startled I quickly said “oh no no I’m all good mate, I don’t swing that way”, to which he laughed and said “Nah mate neither, but I do have a TV in the private lap dance room and a porn I can put on for you”.

So yes, you guessed it, I jumped at the chance. With a roll of toilet paper in my hand and my pants around my feet ol’ Mully cranked one out in the private lap dance room to some classic Jenna Jameson Loves Brianna Banks early 2000’s porn. This was some bloody weird shit, It was as if I was at the semen clinic trying to rub one out. After about 10 minutes I popped my top, wiped myself off and bid the stripper owner goodnight. 

Well if having a crank in a strip club was on my bucket list its been fucking ticked off now!

Things I Hate About Going Out

Talk about a dry mouth of female company. My god forget about Dry July, this month has been Abstinence August for yours truly. So since I can’t seem to shag a thing at the moment I thought I would compile a list of things I hate when going out.  

Taxi Drivers!

God I hate when ya ring a taxi company to book a taxi and the operator gives you an ETA of fifteen minutes, so typically you crack open a new beer but as soon as you do the bloody taxi is waiting outside! First world problem I know but its shit having to skull a delicious beer like Desperados (shameless plug). Then on the other side of the spectrum you can be waiting bloody ages for a taxi especially around 12am when every other mug is trying to get to town. 
Bouncers!!

 In the dictionary they should add another meaning for these tossers – ‘Jumped up fuck wits that have anger problems’. Ok ok a lot are good buggers, in fact I was one for a couple of weeks but EVERY WEEKEND I go out there is at least 4 or 5 that are just looking to get physical when physicality is not necessarily needed. 

Club Owners!!! 

There is a certain club in Hamilton where the toss of an owner does not allow people with tattoos in; even though he employs a DJ that has fucking tattoos. Arhhhh this guy does my head in! Another bar owner here in Tauranga is just a full on sleaze. Promising one girl I know a measly thirty cent pay rise to sleep with him and sadly she did, which she regrets to this day. 

Drunk Students!!!!

God I hate youngsters (I’m sounding like an old prick) that have just turned eighteen and decide to go to town clubbing, yet don’t really know the club etiquette (is there such a thing?). A perfect example of this is while I’m dancing having a great time with who ever these pimply little fucks just drunkenly push past, shouldering guys and gals with no fucks given – little bastards! 
Girl’s Mates!!!!!

When a girls into me & i’m into her and she has invited me to come back to her place and then her bloody friends have given me the red card, the get lost, the ‘she doesn’t need this right now’. After three bloody hours of dancing and buying drinks the last thing I need is for a girls ugly friend, who couldn’t score a guy, put the brakes on mine and her friends fun – sod off! 

Kebab Shops!!!!!

Trying to get a few extra dollars out of some drunk fella is a pretty clever idea, but when you charge me thirty five dollars for a fucking soggy arse kebab I think I am going to notice! I may certainly be drunk but i’m not stupid. If you are going to Auckland be very very wary of this, there is a kebab shop on a side street off Queen street that will rip you off if you are not paying attention.
Well that’s a load off my chest, hopefully this time next week I will have gone out, met a girl and have a story to tell! 

-Tattooed Mulligan