The Good The Bad The Shags

Well I have already completed my New Years resolution of 2017 and we are only 10 days into the New Year. It was to see how long I could stay celibate for in 2017. Well I got the answer to that…56 bloody minutes into the new year! 
If you haven’t been reading my twitter I went to the biggest music festival New Zealand puts on all year: Rhythm & Vines for New Years. From where I live in Tauranga its a bit of a drive to get to the festival. Four hours of winding scenic roads. I took off at 10am on the 31st with one of my girl mates, she didn’t wanna pay for petrol so she offered to pay in other ways on the way down 😉 hitchhikers special is what I like to call it. 

We arrived there at around 3 and saw that to get in the car park to R&V they search your car for alcohol and confiscate it. Fuckers! I do a uturn and park almost directly across the road and down as many bloody shots as I can. “Any alcohol in your car guys?” one of the security guards says. “not anymore” I reply with a large smirk coming across my face. 

We park up and begin chatting to a van of German girls parked next to us, they happily share their straight vodka they had sneaked in (in their McDonalds cups). One of them is completely stunning, I gravitate to her and begin flirting with her, she is pretty lite and lets me know she has been drinking since lunchtime. Her friends wanna go back into the festival, she says she will catch up. My girl mate knows what I’m up to and heads to the portaloo. I jump into the German van and begin to hook up with this hot German. Now I wish i could say more happen than kisses but she told me it was that time of month, which was fine with me, I was just stoked I had hooked up with someone without even stepping a foot into the festival!

After about half a dozen security checks (which included a full body pat down) I started to make my way into the festival. As I walked past the dehydration station tents I was immediately grabbed roughly by two security guards “STOP RIGHT NOW!” the big one boomed at me grabbing my arms tightly. The other one radioed to another one of his guards “can you confirm the tattoo on his neck is a butterfly” he asked. “whats going on? I just got here” I said to them but they weren’t listening. After what felt like an eternity they got a reply from the guard that I wasn’t the guy they were looking for. I was free to go with not even an apology, fucking rude bastards! 

After that small hiccup it was time to get some beers in me and enjoy the show! Now if you’re thinking of going to R&V in the future the best place I found to pick up girls is the line waiting to get drinks. Now this fucking line was so bloody long, it gave you a good chance to chat to the people behind or in front of you. 

It wasn’t long before I hooked up with someone, then another then another. This is fucking paradise I thought! As I was waiting to go for a wee a girl came out of the portaloo and flashed her tits at me laughing and throwing her bra at me. “R&V fuck yea wahoooo” she screams, obviously on pingers or something. 

3, 2, 1 happy new year!!! me and the girl I came down with neck on with each other, shes a bloody amazing kisser, as the fireworks began to go off one big firework nearly went off in my bloody pants as I got a very happy New Year hand job. We split up again and went to look for girls and guys to dance with. 

Now as I said before the best place to meet chicks and potentially hook up with them I found was the drinks line…well I also found the fucking worst place in the worst way. After breaking the seal I had to go for another wee pretty soon after the first. As I waited and waited for whoever was in this certain portaloo to finish it never crossed my mind that whoever was in there might be throwing their guts up. 

So this stunning girl opens the door and pulls me inside. You are so fucking sexy she slurs at me. We start having sex in this fucking portaloo, shes on top of me jumping up and down. She then goes to kiss me and she tastes like fucking vomit, what the fucking fuck I thought immediately pulling away from her hot breath stinky mouth. We finish up and I fucking get out of there was fast as I can, gurgling my beer around my mouth to get the taste of spew out, yuck. 

I meet my girl I came down here with back at my car at around 5am and we watch the first sunrise of 2017 in style… doggy style. HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS!

New Years – Cheapskates, Mates and Sandy Dates

What an extremely bizarre News Years it was, I have been really reluctant to blog about it because it was a little too messed up to put into words. But after taking a harden up pill I decided to share with you all – enjoy.

Since Rhythm and Vines was off the cards because my two mates wanted me to pay for them and promised they would pay me back sometime (heard that old chestnut before), I decided against that idea and to head to Ohope beach for the night, which is where a lot of my family are from. Before I went I needed to pick up a present for my Aunty as her birthday is the 31st of December. I stopped off in Tauranga looking around eventually strolling down to where all the pubs are located. “Hello” a foreign sounding voice said. I turned my head and saw two girls sitting at the bar, both looked pretty decent. “You like drink?” they asked. I grab myself a beer and sat down with them.

I couldn’t believe my luck, being asked to come for a beer with two fairly attractive foreigners. I attempted to start a conversation but they did not have a clue to what I was saying. I then started using hand gestures which seemed to do the trick. I got out of them that they were from France and staying in Tauranga next door at the backpackers. After an awkward 5 minutes of smiling and simple conversation like “weather very hot yea” their larger ‘I just walked out of a Zombie casting call’ friend turned up. She looked dead with bags under her eyes larger than her mates fucking tits. Luckily she spoke much better English and told me she had just slept for 20 hours straight suffering from chronic jet lag.

We continue chatting and I notice the original two had not refilled their drinks since I had been there, being the gentleman I am and also thinking fuck me I could do alright here; I brought all three of them a drink. We continue to chat until The Walking Dead extra lets it slip that they all have boyfriends “yeah our boyfriends are all asleep upstairs night now”. Ummmm you fucking what are where. These cheapskate lil shits had invited me for a drink so I could pay for theirs. I could tell the other two weren’t very happy with her as they must have understood what she said, as they gave her the evils probably thinking that they could bleed another couple of drinks out of me. After necking my beer and contemplating drinking their drinks I got up and said “see you later” and that was that.

Not long after that I head to Ohope beach, with the new motorway open it only took an hour 20 to get there. Once I got to my cousins it was cold beer after cold beer, he had been drinking since mid-day so was pretty toasted when I rocked up at 6. We continued drinking with my Aunty and Uncle till around ten, then me and my cousin headed off to the Ohope beach camping grounds. We found a ton of other people drinking there, introduced ourselves and began drinking. I set my eyes on this fairly attractive goth looking chick with piercings all over her face. We struck it off pretty well, she introduced me to her best friend whom she was sharing a tent with – a dude. ‘Oh he’s cute babe” he said to gothy after shaking my hand, thank god he’s an Adam and Steve type of guy I thought.

We carried on chatting for what seemed like a good hour. These two certainly live the alternative lifestyle, telling me how they live up in Auckland and usually squat at homes that are being built or live between friends’ houses. Me and gothy had a New Year’s kiss at the countdown and we all continued chatting and drinking. As it does, the subject of sex came up and gothys gay friend; whose name is Lance, started going on about how great gothy is at giving head. Chiming in she admits she is and loves doing it. Getting all hot and horny she tells me she is going to the toilet inviting me to come, I leap up like a spring chicken. Lance says he needs to go as well; instant cock block I thought. Gothy takes me into the boy’s toilet’s kissing me and grabbing my penis out of my pants like a women possessed. She starts stroking it “you wanna try something fun” she asked “fuck yeah” I replied. Pointing to a make shift glory hole that had been made in the wall she tells me to put my penis in there and she will go into the toilet next door and suck me off. I shove my willy in there as fast as possible and suddenly my penis is getting the best blow job, damn this is some weird shit but it was so bloody good. Suddenly gothy reappears in my toilet but wait a fucking minute this blow job is still happening.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING” I say in a frightened voice.

“Don’t worry” she says fondling my balls. “Just enjoy it”.

“Nah nah, oi stop please” I say to the blow jobber.

I stagger out of the toilet with a full chubby to find fucking Lance on this knees, “boy you seemed to really like that Seany”.

All I could get out of my mouth was “n n nah I didn’t”.

WHAT THE FUCK HAD JUST HAPPENED!!!! These filthy squatters had fooled me into thinking I was getting head from gothy only to find Lance sucking me off.

“Come back and let me finish you” Lance said excitedly.

“No fuck no, you guys tricked me, I’ve got to go” I said, and with that I fucking legged it out of there completely mind fucked as to what had just happened. I ran the half way back to my Aunty and Uncles along the beach leaving my cousin there to fend for himself, realizing how drunk I was and sit down to a rest and end up passing up on the sand dunes.

Well it’s been a few days since New Year’s now and I have processed what happened, another lesson learnt. If you get a blow job from putting your willy through a glory hole make sure you know, or are prepared for who is on the other fucking side!