Strippers and Viagra

When I was in living in Hamilton me and Toko – one of the rugby boys, decided to go to Firecats. Toko had been sleeping with one of the girls who worked there so he waved his girl over, we all started talking. Suddenly the lights went out and the DJ announced to the horny punters that the American bombshell Rebecca was about to take the stage. The sound of Britney Spears ‘Toxic’ fills my ear drums and I am immediately fixated on one of the hottest girls I had seen in ages. Her sparkling golden hair fluttered around and she had blue eyes as deep as the sea, she looked amazing. After she was finished her set she came over to say hi. I immediately started chatting her up; I noticed she had tattoos so I pretended I was a tattooist again which always seems like a sure fire way to pull girls. We really hit it off and for the rest of her shift she just talked to me. Toko’s stripper was going to come back to his place with us, so I asked Rebecca if she wanted to come back for a drink. She thought on it for what seemed like an eternity but then said she would love too, who could resist a fake tattoo artist right? Toko and I waited eagerly for them to arrive at his place; we set up one massive bed in the lounge and connected two queen bed mattresses together. It took forever for them to arrive.imagesYJGEMBN4 I popped a Viagra pill one of my rugby mates had been kind enough to give me. Finally we saw some head lights shine into the living room, I burst out of the house to see if it was them, and it was! After a few more drinks, my heart was throbbing, not from being nervous but from that bloody Viagra. We started having sex right next to Toko and his stripper. They were keen to swap partners but we weren’t. After we had finished my I felt like I was going to have a heart attack, I just lay there with my heart racing and a massive tent in my pants. Rebecca felt the tent and was pleasantly surprised saying “you’re already ready to go again?!” I honestly thought I was going to die that night, those blue pills are very powerful. I don’t recommend taking Viagra to anyone but if you do maybe try to half of one, not a bloody whole one like I did.

 

Cougars and Chlamydia

It’s Hamilton’s 150 year birthday today. Break out the RTD’s, dust off your skimpiest dress and head down to The Outback Inn night club! Seriously when I think of Hamilton I think of three words; clubs, chlamydia and cougars. Hamilton is infamous for being known as the chlamydia capital of New Zealand. I thought this was just a tongue and cheek joke that people like to give hamiltonians shit about. That was until I got the bloody infection myself!

I lived in Hamilon for 6 years. Moving over from the Bay Of Plenty to support my then girlfriend financially while she attended uni. I started playing league for College Old Boys. We were a young social team that loved having a beer. I started playing second row which was a good position for me as I loved tackling, and we starting winning most of our matches. Not long into the footy season my girlfriend and I broke up. I stayed in Hamilton and began playing hard and partying harder.

If you haven’t been night clubbing in Hamilton I recommend it. In my opinion it is better than Tauranga, Taupo, Wellington and even Auckland. Main reason being that the clubs are all together in two streets (Hood & Elizabeth) and there is so much selection of where to drink. Here is a quick list of clubs and what they are about:

  • The Outback Inn – The just turned 18 year old kid night club, always packed though and pumps.
  • Bar 101 – Just like the Outback although they have a no tattoo policy which I feel discriminates against a lot of people.
  • Diggers – AKA Cougar Town!! If you want some elder company try your luck here, wear protection!
  • The House Bar – I Love The House!! Always have a great time with a great band there.
  • Coyotes – “The Maori Club” I go here every time to catch up with all the boys. Another great club with great hip hop.

One night us rugby boys decided to go on a pub crawl. A pub crawl being that we go to every club and have one drink. It started off as a fun game, we got all the little shitty pubs out of the way to start with. By the time we got to the good clubs we were off off our faces. We went into Diggers were the cougars pray. Now by this stage I was totally gone swaying side to side. A cougar whom name I can’t remember nor want to, started dancing with me and before I could say ‘Hi my name is Sean’ her tongue was searching for my adams apple. I went home with her and her friend and everything else from there on is a blur. I remember waking up next to her and her friend in her bed I grabbed my belongs and got out of there. I noticed my condom had not been used as it was still in my pocket. I got a sex check that Monday which featured a hot doctor putting a cotton bid down my pee hole, fucking atrocious. The next four days seemed the longest of my life praying that the results would come back clean. No such luck. I got the dreaded text “please call to discuss your results.” I had become another victim of the cymadia capital. Luckily with a strong dose of antibiotics I got cleared up. Morale of this story is if you are single and hammered AVOID Diggers!! Those cougars will get you!!!!