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Middle Of Nowhere Date Recap

If you watch too much of something you get convinced real life is going to be like that. Well that’s exactly what happened to me last night. As I lay in bed trying to recount what exactly happened to me, all I can do is laugh…

I had been chatting to a girl on Tinder for a week or so, when she asked if I would like to meet up. I looked at how far away she was, about a two hour or so round trip. I agreed. This meant I could keep Twitter informed as my dating posts were live. 

Now, if you haven’t followed my live Twitter dating updates before shame on you! But, people seem to get a kick out of me updating everyone on how a date is progressing. 

So after an hour drive to the middle of nowhere, I finally came across her address. Her house looks like something out of one of ‘The Conjuring’ movies. The outside of the house was run down to fuck. I knocked on the door, and had convinced myself that the fucking Texas chainsaw dude was about to answer the door and saw my cock off. But to my surprise the girl I had been messaging answered the door. Fuck yes! She greeted me with a smile and welcomed me in.

There were no pubs where my date lived, so we drank at her place and then eventually went to her friends. We chatted about bullshit like cars, hunting and fishing which I had know idea about, but I was winging it and sprinkled bullshit on top made those conversations work. 

We got to her friends place just before 8pm, which I thought was pretty early, but not for her friend who had already polished off 10 x 7% cans of whiskey and cola. She was happy to see us. That happiness must’ve been a relief as she wanted us to play the drinking game, kings cup/circle of death/ four kings ….fuck….

At first her friend refused to let us play, telling us to take 4 shots of vodka so we would be on her level. We took the shots and the game was on! With some luck I got the rule card a couple of times. The first rule I made was pretty tame “if someone turns over a heart card you have to act out what your favourite thing to do in foreplay is. WOW! So I have never got my finger sucked before, but fuck me that was one lucky finger. The pressure was spot on and the technique was fucking lush. I wished it was something else feeling that pressure.


After all three of us were pretty sloshed, I decided to push my luck and make a saucy rule. “If either of you pick up a heart you have to kiss” I felt like a fucking horny 16 year old announcing this, minus the erection and with a pretty happy sucked off finger.

Well my date got a heart and they kissed. A peck? No, these middle of nowhere chicks were going hard. They were groping each other, their tongues getting lost in each others mouths. Well have no fear Mullie was there! I wanted the game to continue so I got in the middle of them. I honestly tried to remind them of the importance of the game at hand. “Fuck the game” the friend said as she knocked away the cards “give us that cock”

If there was an Olympic medal for getting naked I would have won it. Those two eager beavers commanded my clothes came off and that I gave them the D. Within seconds I was completely naked. They started giving me head and for the next 10 minutes we continued the foreplay. Eventually,  I decided it was time for my ‘lil boy’ to venture into a couple of blackholes. As I got it ready my date said “Lets do the swamp thing.” The fuck…? I thought as I laid there with a rock hard one.

They grabbed my hands and took me outside, for some reason I thought I was going to be sacrificed to the bloody middle of nowhere gods. But luckily that wasn’t the case. Those two horny girls just wanted to fuck outdoors. Most of us call it public sex, dogging or just simply sex outside, but not these girls. They had made my penis retreat into my body as they took me outside for some fucking swamp thing.

Luckily, a bit of mouth to mouth resuscitation woke ‘lil mate’ up and we fucked outside while the full moon beamed down on us. What a bloody great time to be alive. Now I wish I could sound like a blogging pimp and say we were out there shagging for fucking ages but no. Uncle Mulligan tired his best not to explode by thinking of his grandma in the middle of the fun but eventually I fucking exploded like firework in a letterbox.

We then went inside because who wants to cuddle outside. They continued drinking and I stopped in preparation to drive back early Sunday morning. I had a nap on the couch and as soon as my alarm went off I was greeted with morning sex.

 I bloody love the middle of nowhere!!!
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The Happy Ending Massage Story

For a guy who prides himself on being a bit of a sexual deviant, I haven’t had a happy ending massage… WTF! I was in Melbourne two weekends back for a catch up with some mates when one of them questioned if I had ever had a erotic Thai massage. My answer quite simply was no, but dammit this motivated me to have one!

Now for those of you who don’t know what a erotic Thai massage is; basically it’s just a massage with a hand job at the end.. basically. Now let’s paint the scene before we get to the happy ending.

On the Thursday  I flew out to Melbourne, loaded up with duty free booze and as soon as we touched down it was balls to the walls drinking.

I was staying in a motel in the heart of the city called Space Motel, an upmarket hostel. I met my mates who had booked the same motel. By this stage I was fucking legless and the rest of the night’s a bloody blur.

I woke up at about 6am in a pool of my own piss, yes human fucking urine. So for the next day I went shopping for a bloody blow dryer to dry my sheets and pee-infused mattress.

The next night I bedded a Swedish chick and my god, she was freaking sexy. I took her back to my room and we were enjoying the drunk sex for a few minutes until she noticed the bed was wet. My pee hadn’t dried and it fucking STUNK, in her broken English she said “eww pee pee ewww disgusting” and she took off, fuck me dead that was so bloody embarrassing.

Finally it was the day of the massage. After scouting a few places I settled on one in the city called Tender Touch. When I arrived I was welcomed by an Asian-looking Mr Bean, “Hi are you here for some boom boom?” he asked, “No, no, just a massage, happy one” I explained. He stood there for a second so I continued saying “Massage” and sign language with my hands “happy ending” doing the wanking action. “Oh oh ok hi hi, I bring girls for you to pick.”

After about 10 girls walking out introducing themselves to me, I felt like a judge on American Idol about to give one the ticket to Hollywood. I ended up choosing Ayumi, a slim looking Asian who was very, very beautiful. She invited me into the room “You undress now, all clothes off” she commanded. She came back in as I had stood there naked, “You sure you no want boom boom, you a sexy man?” she asked trying to up-sell me a shag. “No, no just a massage and happy ending thanks”

She begin massaging my back and holy heck it was so good, just the right amount of pressure. She worked her way down to my bum and began massaging me bum hole, “This is fucking weird” I thought. She focused on this area a bit too much, rubbing her thumbs into the hole. After drinking heavily the night before, all this did was make me wanna have a poo. “Turn over now” she told me. I turned over and she began the happy ending. She began rubbing my balls and then eventually started wanking me. I didn’t last long, she was that good I exploded all over my stomach. “Ohh wow lots of juice” she giggled and with that she left the room.

Well that was different but I’m glad I can tick that off my deviant bucket list. Wonder what I could do next? The Mile High club sounds like a good idea!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys and gals. Thanks so much for reading my blogs over the year.

Live Tweeting at a Swingers Party

Sometimes going to something the second time never lives up to what it was like the first time. But suck me sideways, this second time at a swingers party was amazeballs!
I got permission to live tweet the event as last time I shagged the hosts; I didn’t even know they were until we got invited to a private Facebook group to set this party up. The only conditions people had were no photos and no names on the tweets which was fine by me.

When we got to the party there was no sign of the dude who had the pineapple rings around his penis – which sucked as he was pretty funny. It was almost a completely different set of people apart from the hosts and one other couple. 

After chatting for a while, every second person was a business owner from around the local area obviously looking for a bit of fun away from the stresses of work.

Two pretty extroverted couples announced they are going into the bedroom and people were free to come watch. You don’t have to tell me fucking twice or my partner in crime for that fact. These couples weren’t shy either, dicks, fannies, tits and balls were on show for everybody to see. The couples started sucking their partners then changed over. The guys followed suit then oral, one of the girl’s bushes looked straight out of the 70’s, hairy as fuck. I felt sorry for the dudes that had to eat that, a little care trim goes a long way. 

The guys began shagging these two woman missionary, then swapping over, then the girls wanted a go on top. One of the woman told me to grab her tits, this is awesome I thought! Not long both guys’ corks blew and it was back to the party we went. 

We started chatting to a younger couple who seemed pretty cool, girl was blonde about 5’1′ and looked about 25. The bloke was in his early thirties from what I could tell. They were newly married but had an open relationship from the get go as they both liked sharing each other. 

They invited us to go down to a room, my date was a little reluctant because the guy thought he was hot shit, but she knew I wanted to shag his mrs so off we went. Now you know when some people like heaps of sauce of their fries/chips? Well these motherfuckers were the same when it pertained to lube. Fuck me they used what felt like half a bottle on my date and me. It was the slipperiest fuck ever, so slippery I went to do doggy style with the dude’s mrs and my dick slid right into her arse. “Ughhhhhhh” she yelped, “wrong hole! wrong hole!” 

Apart from the overuse of the lube the sex was amazing, the woman was amazing on top and even twerked – fucking awesome! We left the party not long after that still smelling like strawberry fucking lube!

The Girls Of Tinder 

Well while I’m sitting here listening to a great song called ‘Swipe Her’ – by yours truly. I’m swiping through tinder and noticing more and more different types of girls that can be rounded up into different categories. So if you’re a noob to Tinder or just wanna get the 4-1-1 on what to expect, have a read of this blog that I just wrote called ‘The Girls Of Tinder’.
Now, the first type of girl and normally my favourite is Fun Girl. Fun Girl will make it crystal clear that she is here for a good time not a long time. She will either drop some big hints like; ‘Wanna hang tonight?’ (aka Netflix and chill aka hide the sausage). Either that or she will actually write “here for a good time not a long time” on her profile! Super like her if thats what you’re wanting.

Next girl is Bong Girl. Bong Girl is looking for weed, obviously, now she may say she is looking for someone to smoke her weed with but what she is really saying is “Hey, I don’t have any weed but i’ll come meet you and smoke all of yours and grace you with my company.”

Next is Fuck Knows What I Want Girl. Now Fuck Knows What I Want Girl doesn’t fucking know what she wants and she will MESSAGE YOU ALL FUCKING NIGHT and you still won’t know what she fucking wants. If it says this on her profile SWIPE LEFT unless you wanna talk about how her day is, how the fucking weather is, what she had for tea, how she wipes her bum. Swipe left please. 

Looking For Friends Girl is next…….. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING FOR FRIENDS ON TINDER! Swipe Left for fuck sakes.

Dinner Girl is next, she may disguise herself as fun girl but she’s not! I had a Dinner Girl last week: brought her the first drink thinking I was hanging with Fun Girl then fucking Boom!! Fun Girl asks if we should get a menu, my Tinder senses started tingling and fucking Bam! She orders food and ol mully has to pay as she has no money. DINNER GIRL. 

Lastly is Relationship Girl, like a Dinner Girl but one big difference… she offers to split the bill if you go out on a date. Obviously you’re going to pick up the bill on the first date but just her offering changes her from Dinner Girl to Relationship Girl. Also Relationship Girl goes home on first date if she doesn’t, mate you gotta Fun Girl! 

Well thats it, of course there are more types like Sally Barry Girl when the girl is actually a fucking dude but hey lets hope you don’t come across one of them!

The Filthiest Bits Of 2016

Merry Christmas and a happy new year!! here is some of the most terrible, most shocking most filthiest bits that made up my 2016. If you enjoy this I might even recap 2015 and 2014… let me know….. Enjoy!!!

31.01.2016 Brothel Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/01/31/brothel-date-recap/

As I got out of the shower I strolled out to find her sprawled out on the bed, she put a condom on me then told me which positions she would do – which was fucking limited “you on top, me on top” she informed me, not even doggy style!?!

I decided to go on top, which started off ok until she decided to make fake moaning noises. So bad that even a low budget porn director would tell her to fucking stop! Now add in some terrible and I mean TERRIBLE dirty talk, shit like “oh you’re a big boy” and “wow this is so good” and now you have the worst 30 minutes of my life. It was so bad that I even fake came just to get this shit over and done with. As I pulled my penis out I gave it a quick sniff and it smelt like 3 day old KFC that had been left in a hot car.

18.02.2016 My Gypsy Valentines Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/02/18/my-gypsy-valentines-date-recap/

She told me to clear my schedule because she was going to cum, I bloody hope so! She brought a candle over and poured the hot wax on me, which kinda fucking hurt but at the same time turned me on so much. She then made me pour it on her…bad idea. She had a wee bit of fluff down there and instead of pouring it on her stomach I accidently poured it on the top of her vagina “ahhhhhhhhhhh” she screamed, that was the end of the candle foreplay.

27.02.2016 Blonde Canadian Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/02/27/blonde-canadian-date-recap/

As I walk into the bathroom she is waiting/pretending to check her makeup just in case I was someone else, we go into the toilet locking the door. We kiss for a bit then she sits on the loo and begins to give me a Canadian blow job minus the maple syrup. During the bj I look down and notice the entire floor  we are standing on is covered in piss which my jeans that were around my feet are soaking up, fuck sake. Too busy to do anything about it I continue to enjoy the oral I was receiving,. She finishes sucking on my Bonita banana and takes her undies off, she then bends over putting her hands on the dirty toilet and tells me to put it in, you don’t have to tell me twice.

I start thrusting back and forth, my feet splashing about in the urine puddle and then it happens, we both hear the door to the bathroom open. We both freeze as we hear footsteps sounding as if they were coming right for us, shit we are getting kicked out I thought. Luckily it wasn’t one of the staff coming to see what the hell we were doing it was just some female going into the toilet next to us. We continue to fuck as quietly as we can, we hear her pee stream begin, thinking that she is just peeing we shag on .Then the unthinkable happens – I hear a fart and then splash, SHES DOING A FUCKING POO!!!!! The Canadian doesn’t even give a fuck. She looks back at me as I’m standing there grossed out, “keep going” she whispers. Another fucking splash, but we keep going.Then the fucking stench begins to wofffle over, fuck sake. I pull my shirt over my nose as I try hard to cum so I can bail out of here, but my pre date wank is making it difficult. Another loud fart and a huge splash ensues, come on mully I think to myself we have to get the fuck out of here as the stench grows stronger. I finally cum as the lady beside us is grabbing for the toilet paper to wipe her arse after the massacre she has left in the toilet.

22.03.2016 Vajazzled: The St Paddies Day Blog

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/03/22/vajazzled-the-st-paddies-date-blog/

We somehow got on the subject of vagazzle which if you chuck that odd sounding slang word into google (which I should of done) it comes up with this – ‘adorn the pubic area (of a woman) with crystals, glitter, or other decoration’.

We head back to the backpackers and start the foreplay, I go down on her and in my drunken state I’m like a dog licking up water on a hot day, my tongue going fucking everywhere. I end up having a mouthful of vajazzle beads which for the next day and a bit I’m still finding them wedged between my teeth.

08.04.2016 Dominatrix Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/04/08/dominatrix-date-recap/

She served me up a drink in a metal cup and forced me to drink it. It tasted strong like a mix between jagermeister, absinthe and pineapple juice, what ever it was made me feel pretty numb. After polishing off the cup she snatched it off me “break times over, now get on all fours on the bed” she said pointing to the bed. So here I was balls dangling freely, hairy arse open for the world to see. After about 5 minutes she comes back in but she’s not alone – she has a big BLACK STRAP ON connected to her costume.

“OH FUCK THAT” I said breaking character

“Silence! This is happening, slowly but surely you are getting this” she said.

I started thinking what the fuck am I doing, what the fuck am I doing?! I feel a cold sensation on my bum; I turn around and she is bathing me in anus relaxant lube!

23.05.2016 Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.1

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/05/23/mully-dates-international-ed-sydney-pt-1/

We end up having sex and the sheep shagger comment is still annoying me, so I flipped her around in doggy style and showed her what a sheep shagger could do with a tablet of viagra in him. She fucking loved it, so without thinking I grabbed her tits and whispered in her ear “I drive a holden” she started thrashing about “you bastard!”.

27.05.2016 Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.2

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/05/27/mully-dates-international-ed-sydney-pt-2/

Things go down hill pretty fast though as the larger friend of her group decides to pull her away from me and tells her its time to call it a night. Everyone else in the group seemed to be having a great time but fucking chunkimus prime decided to shut the fucking fun down and go home.

23.06.2016 Pokémon Go Date

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/07/23/pokemon-go-date/

Well it’s safe to say she rode me like Horsea, her Jigglypuffs looked amazing. As she played with my Pokeballs I could feel myself about to Squirlte but managed not to. It wasn’t long though until I learned ‘Water Gun’ and splashed it everywhere. As I left her place I thanked her for giving me a Cubone but told her she was just another Magicarp…I was looking for a Gyarados!

28.08.2016 From Crab Tree to Vag Pee

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/08/28/from-crab-tree-to-vag-pee/

So he starts going to town eating this girl as if she was a 2am bloody kebab, she begins to get wetter and wetter and louder and louder. All of a sudden she lets out a huge moan and boom she cums/pees right down his throat. I awake from my coma to the sound of Darren yakking his guts up, I wander into the toilet and see him fast down in the bowl, “you alright D man?” I ask, no reply, I then wander into her room and I can smell urine. “What happened to Darren?” I ask the girl. “I was cumming” she said in a sad voice “but my bladder was full and I ended up peeing.” EWW WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

26.09.2016 Ex Girlfriends Sister Date Recap

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/09/26/ex-girlfriends-sister-date-recap/

We started shotting a tray of tequila shots, which after the fourth one made me vomit in my mouth a little. I kept giving her shit saying “your sister is way wilder” and then she looked me in the eye with a naughty grin “I bet she never did this.” She then went under the table we were sitting at and started undoing my pants. My eyes started darting around the room to see if anyone in the packed bar was watching, luckily no one was.

08.10.2016 Mully vs. Australian Rugby Girls

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/10/08/mully-vs-australian-rugby-girls/

Once we got back to their room, they threw me onto the bed and begun getting unchanged. What happened next was a fucked up mixture between sex and a game of footy.

04.12.2016 CranKING

https://tattooedmulligan.com/2016/12/04/cranking/

So yes, you guessed it, I jumped at the chance. With a roll of toilet paper in my hand and my pants around my feet ol’ Mully cranked one out in the private lap dance room to some classic Jenna Jameson Loves Brianna Banks early 2000’s porn. This was some bloody weird shit, It was as if I was at the semen clinic trying to rub one out. After about 10 minutes I popped my top, wiped myself off and bid the stripper owner goodnight.

Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.2

The next day was just a day out with my flatmate whom I had promised I would spend a day with to do all the touristy bullshit. To say this day didn’t drag would be a fucking understatement, it started off fun with Madame Tausauds wax museum, but then went to some bloody lizard wildlife crap. As we began queuing to get in about half a fucking school of little 9-10 year old Australian kids did too. Now picture the most annoying fucking accent and add pre puberty squeakiness to that then add fucking volume, you get the worst thing on fucking earth. As we walked around looking at these stupid fucking lizards that just lay there doing sweet fuck all, these kids were going nuts. Running into everyone and screaming like fuck. I almost chucked a couple of them into the snake enclosure, might’ve been the most excitement those poor snakes have had all year.   
After the day of doom it was time to get ready to go the the Golden Mile – Kings Cross! Now if you haven’t heard about Kings Cross, its like the red light district of Sydney. Bars, brothels, night clubs and my personal favourite strip clubs are all on offer in this delightful place, its like Disneyland for me. I started bar crawling jumping from bar to bar to find a cool atmosphere and cheapish drinks. I finally settled on one called Kings Cross Motel, the staff were so nice and the place was pumping with hot chicks. I started chatting to a group of girls by buying them a round of drinks which worked a treat and thats all it took. The next thing I know I’m on the dance floor kissing the face off this pretty ok looking ozzy. Things go down hill pretty fast though as the larger friend of her group decides to pull her away from me and tells her its time to call it a night. Everyone else in the group seemed to be having a great time but fucking chunkimus prime decided to shut the fucking fun down and go home. So I was all on my lonesome again, should I call it a night too I thought? Fuck no!!  

It was time to head to the strippers so I stroll down the street browsing which one I should go into and settle on Bada Bing nightspot. The girls are stunning and very welcoming. I immediately get given a free wee lap dance by probably the ugliest one there, to be honest I couldn’t wait for her to finish; she obviously was on the hustle as she must have seen me get one hundred dollars worth of stripper bucks out. She did a handstand putting her vagina right in my face, now usually this would be a guys dream mine but this fucking chick stunk like smoked bloody fish. I could smell it before she did the handstand move but when she did the handstand I almost threw up into her fucking vag. Luckily she couldn’t hold that position for long as I was trying so hard not to gag. Apart from that the rest of the night spent at the strip club was great! One of the dancers was a kiwi and gave me a sweet discount on a private dildo show and even let me stick the big black one in, wahoo! I ended up ubering it back to the motel at around 2am, luckily the nice manager at the strip club charged my phone for me as it was dead. 

Well that was it from my Sydney adventure, onwards to Perth. Lets see what the dating scene is like there!

FIGHT FOR LIFE BLOG

TONIGHTS THE NIGHT!!! Its the Fight For Life Boxing event live on Sky PPV, and for the first time ever its being held in my old shagging ground Hamilton!

I have been to Fight for Life a couple of years ago when they held it in Auckland and it was awesome. If you don’t know these Fight for Life boxing events are done to raise money for charity. This year i believe its the Hospice Waikato charity.

Last time I went Christian Cullen fought my favourite league player ever – Issac Luke. There was a van load of us boys from our local rugby team that headed up. The event was awesome, top to bottom the card was stacked with awesome fights. My favourite fight of the night though had to be the womens fight between Hayley Holt and Paige Hareb. These girls slugged it out and gave it their all and the crowd went nuts! Tonights fight between Millie Elder-Holmes and Frankie Adams is going to be awesome.

After the event all us boys went to town to go clubbing. We were all pretty liquored so I decided to get the boys to give me a black eye which they reluctantly agreed too. About four of them lined up and swung away at my face. Three of them connected sweetly but the fourth guy was wasted and whacked me square in the nose. Blood started seeping out everywhere, SHIT!! I was so pissed off but I couldn’t really blame my mate though it was my own stupid idea after all. So there I was in town black eye and all. Suddenly all these girls kept coming up to me and asking if I was alright. My response was “yeah i’m fine, i’ve just been in a boxing fight earlier on”. The girls bloody loved it, was a great talking point and to be honest, it got me pretty lucky 😉

Anyway! Fight For Life is on tonight, book it on Sky PPV or come to Hamilton to watch it live. You definitely won’t be disappointed! Just if you go out in Hamilton afterwards and decide to go home with someone, wear protection. They don’t call Hamilton the chlamydia capital of New Zealand for fun! IMG_0028.JPG

Road Trip Night Three Auckland

BOOM!!! No STD/STI! I’m clean. Got that great news back on Tuesday which is such a relief. All the nervous scratching down there and constant thought of “am I clean?” can finally be put to rest. If I had to make a survival kit for having a one night stand, especially with someone off tinder, it would definitely consist of a box of condoms and possibly pepper spray if that chick be crazy. (Remember hitting woman isn’t cool, but if they hitting you I bet you wish you had listened to me about buying some pepper spray!) Anyway, here is Round 3 – the final round of my weekend road trip, Auckland here I come! ;);P

I awake at my mates place in Mount Maunganui attempting to piece together what happened last night. Luckily these days I take notes and videos while I’m drunk so I can write the most accurate account of what happened, such a geek aye! At this stage its lunchtime, so it’s time to make my way up to Auckland. Still hung over I smash back a Blue powerade sports drink that usually seems to make things slightly better. I pick up my two mates from Hamilton on the way. They have already started making their way through their first box when I pick them up. My Auckland mate Azza lives in Mt Roskill in this lush two story house. As soon as we get there we are greeted by Azza with a warm smile and cold beer. We start drinking, drinking and more drinking. Soon the afternoon becomes evening and evening becomes night. The rugby league has just finished so we decide to start getting ready to hit town. I get into my routine which seems to come so naturally when I’m drunk. Hot cloth, cold cloth, face moisturizer. Hair wax, deodorant, cologne and then town clothes. Such an effort to look good! We get into town at about midnight. We spent a good hour down the viaduct which was so costly. We met these Canadian girls who suggested we follow them to Globe night club, Jesus I would follow these blonde bombshells anywhere! We headed to Globe night club which was awesome. We danced and danced with these Canadian girls even though they told us they had boyfriends. They asked what I did for a job so I pulled the “I am a tattooist” card which they thought was awesome, obviously. They told me their friend would probably like me and we should go meet her, I asked where and they said Show Girls the strip club.

“Please welcome to the stage the saucy sultry siren!!” booms the DJ and out comes the sexiest blonde girl I have seen in ages. She has a banging body and works the pole as if it was a part of her. After her routine is finished she comes over and hugs her friends. “Who are these guys?” she asks in her Canadian accent. They introduce us and quickly announce that I’m a tattooist. That’s all it took, she is suddenly all over me asking me questions, showing me her tattoos and flirting. I ordered a private lap dance off her, which cost me 150 bucks. Stuff started to get hot and heavy in the private rooms. She immediately got naked putting her legs over my head letting me lick her vag which she seemed to enjoy a lot. We started hooking up and she gave me a hand job. I asked when she finished and she said 4, me being forth coming I asked if she wanted to come back to my mates place but she said no! She had a better idea, she told me to go back to her place with her friends, sweet! She told her friends what was happening so I bid farewell to my mates and went back to her friends place.

These girls have the nicest apartment right in the city, as I waited for the stripper to finish work one of her friends went to bed but the other one stayed up with me. I knew she had a boyfriend (or so she said) so I didn’t wanna flirt with her, plus I was waiting for her mate. She came and sat right next to me, and then started snuggling into me. The next thing I knew we were kissing and off to her bedroom I went. We had sex for about half an hour which was pretty great, probably greater because her mate was coming home soon. After we had finished I quickly got changed and waited on the couch for round 2. The stripper finally came home and it was all on again. She brought some toys home from her job, looking back on it I bloody hope they were sanitized! She tied me to her bed post and began whipping me which fucking hurt and started to make me bleed on my stomach; I played along with this weird shit until it really started to hurt. She wanted me to do her now. By this stage I was pissed off with how sore she had whipped me, so I gladly grabbed that whip and whipped the shit out of her. To my surprise she fucking loved it! After this weird foreplay we finally had sex which was great and went to sleep. I got a taxi in the morning back to Azza’s, I told the boys what went down and it was as if I had won lotto there were high fives all around – typical lad shit.

That brings the curtain on my big weekend road trip, thanks for reading I think I am gonna have this week off the booze so I can let my poor liver recover!

Robocop . . . . . or not!

Growing up in the 90’s was great, although I am so envious of kids today.  90’s kids had Sega gaming systems, today’s kids have PlayStation. 90’s kids had the Spice Girls; today’s kids have Miley Cyrus….ok, I think they got the worst end of the stick in that one! And then there is the old VHS video tapes we 90’s kids had back in the day, so easy to accidentally record over.

Anyway back when I was eight years old I loved the Robocop movies “Part man. Part machine. All cop” I loved it! I used to watch it over and over again. Then they brought out Robocop 2 and 3, could life get any better?! It took about a year according to my dad for me to move onto something else to watch.

I used to hang out with Cody one of the neighbourhood kids all the time. We did everything together. Fishing down at the creek, playing with marbles, backyard cricket and of course going to the Polytech to kick the coca cola machine in the hope it would spit out a can of coke. Life was so simple back then.

One day Cody wanted to watch a movie, he told me he had never seen the first Robocop but this was a year after I had stopped watching it. I reluctantly told him I had it and asked if he wanted to watch it, of course he said yes. I put it on but all I could make out was what appeared to be a close up of a pig’s nose moving around. Confused I rewound the video and we watched from the start. It started off with these two people talking and then suddenly they started kissing and fucking!!! This wasn’t my hero Robocop! That wasn’t a close up of a pig’s nose. That was P going into the V!! Dad had taped over my beloved Robocop for porno! I freaked out and turned it off. Cody was 2 years older than me and wised me up to what I had just witnessed. He suggested we not tell my dad because he might be angry that we had watched it. I agreed.

Well that was my first viewing of that video, not my last though! I reached puberty at 12 and continued to enjoy the ol’ Robocop video for years to come. Although every time I watched it I noticed it was in a different place in the tap e. I guess all those noises coming from mum and dad’s bedroom was thanks to my Robocop video!Zdjęcie0901

Sleeping With A Celebrity

Before I start this story, I used to think that this was such an achievement and I would constantly brag about it to my mates. But looking back celebrities are just like us just with a lot more money and ego!

My friend Luke is a doctor in Auckland and he always bugs me to go up there and drink with him, I always made excuses when he asked me as he goes to all the swanky night spots on the Viaduct. The Viaduct has all the fancy clubs and bars where all of the ‘in’ people fester. I prefer the tourist clubs that have $2 shots and $4 beers.  I finally caved in and headed up from Hamilton to his place. He had a pretty cool apartment one street off Queen Street. We started drinking at his, preloading before we got into town.  Luke was drinking top shelf whiskey mixing it himself with coke showing off how well off he is. I could care less cracking into my double brown beer cans, nothing tastes better!

He asked what I was wearing to town with half a smirk on his face. I pointed to what I was wearing a pretty nice t-shirt with jeans and white shoes.  “You can’t wear that” he chuckled. He ended up giving me one of his dress shirts, dress pants and black shoes and away we went.

We met up with a few of his doctor mates at a bar called Bubble Champagne Loungebubble. The beers were $9.50 each, luckily my mate was shouting – I defiantly wasn’t going to complain. Suddenly this chick walked in with a couple a friends, I instantly knew who she was. She was off a show here in New Zealand called Shortland Street. Now, if you’re not familiar with Shortland Street I envy you!! It’s a New Zealand prime-time soap opera centering around the “real” Shortland Street Hospital. I quickly googled her to see if she had been in any independent films that the average Shortland Street fan wouldn’t really know about.  I had already got my drunken swagger on so I decided to go say hi. “Hi!” I yelled at her “I think your pretty awesome” she was pretty drunk or wasted herself she hugged me and said “thanks so much”  I continued and said ” I thought you portrayed your character in that film you were recently in really well” . She was surprised that I had seen it as it hadn’t got a theatrical release in cinemas as was one of those independant films. I continued to stroke her ego like this for the next half hour.

Finally my mate Luke came over and asked if we were going to our next bar, I asked her if she would like to come and she said yes. I was nervous with excitement. I quickly transferred $200 from my savings hoping that this could buy at least two bloody beers at the next place. It was going off at the next club; I think it was called Kermadec, or something like. I quickly got us shots and we continued talking. She suddenly asked what I did for work with no hesitation I blurted out tattoo artist. She totally dug that thank god. We started dancing and soon we began kissing. She asked where I was staying and I said just around the corner. I asked if she wanted to come back she nodded and gave a cheeky smile. I grabbed the keys of Luke and off we staggered.

We got to Luke’s and started kissing, she was so self-conscious though about taking her top off, I began to stroke her ego like I had done earlier. She loosened up and away we went. She asked if I could call her by her character’s name on off the movie she was in, fuck! I couldn’t remember it so I said ‘no no I wanna calll you by your Shortland Street chacter” she nodded. The sex was great apart from her calling me daddy which I found kinda creepy. Afterwards she needed to catch up with her friends by this stage it was about 1am so she left leaving me with her number. On her way out I said to her -“you know that Shortland Street you’re on?”  “Yeah?” she said “It’s a load of crap aye” I said laughing. I could see the anger in her face “um no its not!” she said and she slammed the door and that was that. So that was my experience sleeping with a famous person, nothing overly exciting but something funny to tell the mates about.