Floppy Joe

Well what a shockingly embarrassing type of weekend I have just had. I got two perfect opportunities to get with two different (fairly) attractive chicks but for reasons which I will explain; I completely cocked it up!
I think I put a hex on myself because before the weekend had even started, I tweeted the magic eight ball asking it ‘If I am going to get lucky this weekend’ and its wise response was ‘this is an easy one to answer, no way’. Fuck my life! Way to boost a guys confidence Mr. Eightball. Not letting that deter me I cracked on. Before heading out on Friday I had my pre going-out wank, in the hopes that if I slept with a girl it would build my stamina; making the sex last longer if it happened. It’s all about strategy. 😉 

On Friday I met up with a 38 year old I had been talking to on tinder, she immediately gave me a hug and sniffed my neck, “Hugo Boss? yummy” she giggled. I could tell this chick was already pretty lit, I needed to catch up. While she was in the toilet I brought a line of tequila and necked back 4 of them just in time for her to come out of the toilet. “I brought us a shot each” I said trying not to hurl up the last four I had just downed. “Oh you’re so lovely, come here” she smiled, and thats all it took we were making out in the middle of this half empty bar. The poor bartender looked sickened shaking his head as he collected my empty shot glasses. It wasn’t long till she asked if I would like to come back to her apartment and off we went. Things got hot and heavy as soon as we got there, she threw me on the bed and proceeded to do a drunk strip show. Now by this stage you would think I would be rocking a tent pole, but no such fucking luck. I begin slapping it around as if to wake it up ‘come on lil buddy!’ I thought. Still nothing. She crept on top of me “ughh I can’t get it up” I say with a sigh. “Don’t worry, I will” she said with a smile. She put it in her mouth and usually by this stage my small breakfast sausage would evolve into a freaking frankfurter but no, nothing happened. Fuck sakes! She even tried a cheeky finger in the bum (her idea not mine) but to no avail. This droopy penis was fast asleep. I counted my loses and called it a night.

Roll on Saturday night and it was all on again, after cutting some shapes on the dance floor I bumped into an old friend at the bar. She had won a $250 bar tab and was struggling to get through it. She begged me to help her, I happily obliged. We head back to my place at about 3am, we were kissing in the taxi and all I could think of was if my lil buddy would stand to attention for me tonight. We got out of the taxi just in time for me to chunder everywhere, I was wasted. We staggered into my bed and began trying to get it on. Now, picture trying to play a game of pool with a fucking rope, it just doesn’t work!! Fuckkkkkk.

What a shitty shit shit weekend that was. This coming weekend there will definitely be no pre going-out wanks….or huge bar tabs to go through. Lessons learnt 😞   

Road Trip Night One Hamilton

As I stare at this huge turd floating in my motels bath, a few things begin to cross my mind. How did it get here? Is it mine? It looks like a small person, should I mush it down the baths plug hole? Should I deposited it in to the toilet? Bugger it I think, I’m gonna leave it for the cleaners! Last night was night one of my weekend road trip, first up was Hamilton. Here is a recap of the night that was.

As I pull up to my motel I can’t help but be disappointed by how run down it looks. I booked it off the wotif.com website which is a website that offers awesome discounts on motels across New Zealand (and the world). I didn’t check out the motel on the site, I just saw it said “free breakfast” and “luxury spa bath in unit”. “Fuck yeah!” I thought, bitches love bubbly water :p

As I walk in to the unit, I feel like I had been in the hot tub time machine and been transported back to the frickin’ eighties. The paint job in the unit was a sickly custard colour, the bed is as stiff as my penis is when thinking of a Nicki Minaj booty. The TV is the shitty old tube TV from the late 90’s. Fuck.My.Life. Luckily the spa bath is from this century and looks rather delightful, thank god! After a brief dip, I get ready to go out. Scrolling through tinder I find a girl I had been chatting to a few weeks back, I ask her if she wants to go for dinner and of course she agrees. I wait for her for about five minutes at the Italian restaurant I suggested we go too and finally she walks in or should I say, limps in. She immediately tells me that one of her legs is longer then the other, WHAT THE F is that actually a thing. I brush it off and say its fine and I order a round of tequila. The food is amazing, we start loosening up after the second round of tequila and begin to play footsies. By the third round we began holding hands. Time for the cheque! Dinner cost me $260 so I tell ol limpy that I don’t feel like going to town and ask if she would like to come back to mine, she agrees so off we limp!10814094_10204513197341826_171806622_n

We drink some more at mine on my stiff bed. I went to the toilet and when I get back she is fully naked and legit says to me “bring that monster cock over to me” what the fuck I thought! She hasn’t even seen my cock, for all she knows I could be packing a little cherry o breakfast sausage down there. We do the business and she seems to be on another level of pleasure, each pump I do she is cuming. “Damn I am good” I think to myself. We finish up and say our good byes. As she is walking out, she isn’t limping anymore! “I FUCKED THE LIMP OUT OF HER!!!! MY LOVE MAKING CURES PEOPLE” I think to myself in my drunken state, damn Mullies on fire.

Well that is round one of the my weekend road trip done, next stop Tauranga for round 2!