As I sit looking down at my still bruised balls I can’t help but think did I do the right thing getting a vasectomy at 28…Fuck yes I did!!! I have two girls to a former partner, and recently I got two fucking “I think I might be pregnant” scares from two different ladies, so freezing some juice and getting a vasectomy sounded like a bloody good idea to me!
After the initial consultation where the doctor asks the standard questions like why do you want this and have you though this through, he fucking described in detail how he does the surgery, step by step, snip by snip. That actually nearly made me back out of the whole thing, too much information!
D Day came around quick; I got my dad to drive me to the doctors. The only other time I think I have felt that nervous was right before the tattoo needle went into my penis. I got called into the doctor’s office; he gave me two Valium and put some numbing cream on my balls then back to the waiting room I go to wait for the surgeon to prep and let the Valium take effect.
While waiting, I got myself so worked up and nervous that I felt dizzy as then suddenly Bam! The Valium kicked in and I was happy as Larry. I was called in to surgery and was more than happy to take my pants off, I was in such a non-caring state I probably would’ve let him stick a cheeky finger up my bum and check my prostate, I couldn’t give two fucks, it was great. The surgeon asked me what music, music artist and album I liked to which I said hip hop, Eminem, Marshall Mathers LP. So there I was getting my balls shaved whilst Eminem’s Kill You played in the background, was I high or was this actually happening. Oh it was happening because as soon as the song Stan came on I remember a painful tugging going on down there and being the curious guy that I am, I had to look. As I looked down I saw that the surgeon has pulled out a massive fucking tube thing and was chopping a chunk off it and it fucking hurt! Yeah so he had numbed my balls skin but this fucker hadn’t given me a local injection or anything. “This shouldn’t hurt” he said looking at me a little concerned “well fuck me it does mate!” I replied in pain. I later find out it really CAN hurt depending on a lot of different things. Thinking he was done I let out a sign of relief “Ok and now for the other side” he said “fuck me i thought we were bloody home and hosed” I replied. Thank my lucky stars the other side didn’t hurt at all and just felt like a little pulling sensation. After he was finished he left the room and let me get changed by myself. I lay there for a moment naked feeling like a cheap date that had been told to clean up and get out. I looked down at my poor nuts; the left side was already dark purple.
The next few days after having this done was difficult, every step hurt, sleeping hurt, sitting hurt, not masturbating hurt and sucked. After about a week my balls were swollen… not because of the surgery but because I couldn’t have a bloody crank! Well the first time I did it HURT!! With a mixture of blood and cream shooting out. I immediately ring the doctor and luckily that is normal. You will be pleased to know that last weekend I put it to the ultimate test and I can safely say Mulligan’s back on the horse!
I got asked the other day by my mate, “how do I end this relationship?” Before I answered I started to think back on how I had ended things with my ex’s. Probably the easiest way I have found is to say “I just don’t love you anymore” its honest and up front. At the end of the day after all the hurt has gone a girl usually respects you for being honest. A lot of guys have trouble with this though and in the past, myself included. I had one girlfriend that was such hard work; constantly texting me when I was with my mates always asking if I’m cheating on her and getting angry if I hadn’t texted back within a minute. I would always try to break up with her but she wouldn’t have a bar of it and I would cave. Eventually I ended up deliberately leaving my Facebook open at her place with messages I had typed to a girls account I had made. That worked a bloody treat! Girls hate nothing more than a cheat and I can handle being labelled that by her, I just wanted to break up with the crazy bitch!
Here are a few different ways I’ve broken up with someone:
- Text her. (depending on how deep into the relationship it is) Just slip her a text saying ‘I can’t do this anymore’. A pretty douche way to get the job done and will probably leave her in the dark but at least you will be single.
- Cheat on her, yes I have done this and if you have a good collection of something prepare for it to get smashed if she finds out…RIP my wrestling DVD collection. I will rebuild you.
- Sit her down and let it all out. This can go around in a circle though and suddenly you can be working things out with her before you know it.
- Suddenly stop talking to her, texting her and block her on Facebook. I did this to a chick I was dating for two weeks. As far as she knows we are still together although it’s been four years!
Being with girls that have been broken up with badly by guys I’ve seen how much of a wall a girl can put up from it, so being as gentle as possible seems to be the best way. Girls like a truthful explanation that doesn’t leave them with too many questions even though it might be so simple to me as to why.
Well I’m taking my Guru Mulligan hat off now and starting to pack for an eventful weekend in Taupo! Go The AB’s and Go the Kiwis!