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Middle Of Nowhere Date Recap

If you watch too much of something you get convinced real life is going to be like that. Well that’s exactly what happened to me last night. As I lay in bed trying to recount what exactly happened to me, all I can do is laugh…

I had been chatting to a girl on Tinder for a week or so, when she asked if I would like to meet up. I looked at how far away she was, about a two hour or so round trip. I agreed. This meant I could keep Twitter informed as my dating posts were live. 

Now, if you haven’t followed my live Twitter dating updates before shame on you! But, people seem to get a kick out of me updating everyone on how a date is progressing. 

So after an hour drive to the middle of nowhere, I finally came across her address. Her house looks like something out of one of ‘The Conjuring’ movies. The outside of the house was run down to fuck. I knocked on the door, and had convinced myself that the fucking Texas chainsaw dude was about to answer the door and saw my cock off. But to my surprise the girl I had been messaging answered the door. Fuck yes! She greeted me with a smile and welcomed me in.

There were no pubs where my date lived, so we drank at her place and then eventually went to her friends. We chatted about bullshit like cars, hunting and fishing which I had know idea about, but I was winging it and sprinkled bullshit on top made those conversations work. 

We got to her friends place just before 8pm, which I thought was pretty early, but not for her friend who had already polished off 10 x 7% cans of whiskey and cola. She was happy to see us. That happiness must’ve been a relief as she wanted us to play the drinking game, kings cup/circle of death/ four kings ….fuck….

At first her friend refused to let us play, telling us to take 4 shots of vodka so we would be on her level. We took the shots and the game was on! With some luck I got the rule card a couple of times. The first rule I made was pretty tame “if someone turns over a heart card you have to act out what your favourite thing to do in foreplay is. WOW! So I have never got my finger sucked before, but fuck me that was one lucky finger. The pressure was spot on and the technique was fucking lush. I wished it was something else feeling that pressure.


After all three of us were pretty sloshed, I decided to push my luck and make a saucy rule. “If either of you pick up a heart you have to kiss” I felt like a fucking horny 16 year old announcing this, minus the erection and with a pretty happy sucked off finger.

Well my date got a heart and they kissed. A peck? No, these middle of nowhere chicks were going hard. They were groping each other, their tongues getting lost in each others mouths. Well have no fear Mullie was there! I wanted the game to continue so I got in the middle of them. I honestly tried to remind them of the importance of the game at hand. “Fuck the game” the friend said as she knocked away the cards “give us that cock”

If there was an Olympic medal for getting naked I would have won it. Those two eager beavers commanded my clothes came off and that I gave them the D. Within seconds I was completely naked. They started giving me head and for the next 10 minutes we continued the foreplay. Eventually,  I decided it was time for my ‘lil boy’ to venture into a couple of blackholes. As I got it ready my date said “Lets do the swamp thing.” The fuck…? I thought as I laid there with a rock hard one.

They grabbed my hands and took me outside, for some reason I thought I was going to be sacrificed to the bloody middle of nowhere gods. But luckily that wasn’t the case. Those two horny girls just wanted to fuck outdoors. Most of us call it public sex, dogging or just simply sex outside, but not these girls. They had made my penis retreat into my body as they took me outside for some fucking swamp thing.

Luckily, a bit of mouth to mouth resuscitation woke ‘lil mate’ up and we fucked outside while the full moon beamed down on us. What a bloody great time to be alive. Now I wish I could sound like a blogging pimp and say we were out there shagging for fucking ages but no. Uncle Mulligan tired his best not to explode by thinking of his grandma in the middle of the fun but eventually I fucking exploded like firework in a letterbox.

We then went inside because who wants to cuddle outside. They continued drinking and I stopped in preparation to drive back early Sunday morning. I had a nap on the couch and as soon as my alarm went off I was greeted with morning sex.

 I bloody love the middle of nowhere!!!
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Live Tweeting at a Swingers Party

Sometimes going to something the second time never lives up to what it was like the first time. But suck me sideways, this second time at a swingers party was amazeballs!
I got permission to live tweet the event as last time I shagged the hosts; I didn’t even know they were until we got invited to a private Facebook group to set this party up. The only conditions people had were no photos and no names on the tweets which was fine by me.

When we got to the party there was no sign of the dude who had the pineapple rings around his penis – which sucked as he was pretty funny. It was almost a completely different set of people apart from the hosts and one other couple. 

After chatting for a while, every second person was a business owner from around the local area obviously looking for a bit of fun away from the stresses of work.

Two pretty extroverted couples announced they are going into the bedroom and people were free to come watch. You don’t have to tell me fucking twice or my partner in crime for that fact. These couples weren’t shy either, dicks, fannies, tits and balls were on show for everybody to see. The couples started sucking their partners then changed over. The guys followed suit then oral, one of the girl’s bushes looked straight out of the 70’s, hairy as fuck. I felt sorry for the dudes that had to eat that, a little care trim goes a long way. 

The guys began shagging these two woman missionary, then swapping over, then the girls wanted a go on top. One of the woman told me to grab her tits, this is awesome I thought! Not long both guys’ corks blew and it was back to the party we went. 

We started chatting to a younger couple who seemed pretty cool, girl was blonde about 5’1′ and looked about 25. The bloke was in his early thirties from what I could tell. They were newly married but had an open relationship from the get go as they both liked sharing each other. 

They invited us to go down to a room, my date was a little reluctant because the guy thought he was hot shit, but she knew I wanted to shag his mrs so off we went. Now you know when some people like heaps of sauce of their fries/chips? Well these motherfuckers were the same when it pertained to lube. Fuck me they used what felt like half a bottle on my date and me. It was the slipperiest fuck ever, so slippery I went to do doggy style with the dude’s mrs and my dick slid right into her arse. “Ughhhhhhh” she yelped, “wrong hole! wrong hole!” 

Apart from the overuse of the lube the sex was amazing, the woman was amazing on top and even twerked – fucking awesome! We left the party not long after that still smelling like strawberry fucking lube!

FIGHT FOR LIFE BLOG

TONIGHTS THE NIGHT!!! Its the Fight For Life Boxing event live on Sky PPV, and for the first time ever its being held in my old shagging ground Hamilton!

I have been to Fight for Life a couple of years ago when they held it in Auckland and it was awesome. If you don’t know these Fight for Life boxing events are done to raise money for charity. This year i believe its the Hospice Waikato charity.

Last time I went Christian Cullen fought my favourite league player ever – Issac Luke. There was a van load of us boys from our local rugby team that headed up. The event was awesome, top to bottom the card was stacked with awesome fights. My favourite fight of the night though had to be the womens fight between Hayley Holt and Paige Hareb. These girls slugged it out and gave it their all and the crowd went nuts! Tonights fight between Millie Elder-Holmes and Frankie Adams is going to be awesome.

After the event all us boys went to town to go clubbing. We were all pretty liquored so I decided to get the boys to give me a black eye which they reluctantly agreed too. About four of them lined up and swung away at my face. Three of them connected sweetly but the fourth guy was wasted and whacked me square in the nose. Blood started seeping out everywhere, SHIT!! I was so pissed off but I couldn’t really blame my mate though it was my own stupid idea after all. So there I was in town black eye and all. Suddenly all these girls kept coming up to me and asking if I was alright. My response was “yeah i’m fine, i’ve just been in a boxing fight earlier on”. The girls bloody loved it, was a great talking point and to be honest, it got me pretty lucky 😉

Anyway! Fight For Life is on tonight, book it on Sky PPV or come to Hamilton to watch it live. You definitely won’t be disappointed! Just if you go out in Hamilton afterwards and decide to go home with someone, wear protection. They don’t call Hamilton the chlamydia capital of New Zealand for fun! IMG_0028.JPG

Manscaping

A boy or man comes to a point in his life when he looks down at his neither region and thinks ‘jeez that’s a bit hairy!’ Manscaping is what it’s generally referred to and if you are in your late teens or twenties, surely you have manscaped. If you haven’t I have a couple of tips before you decide to pick up ya mums razor to start pruning your pube bush.

A wise man once said ‘a little less lawn makes the tree appear taller’. Make it look natural. Firstly, do not use a razor! Girls get away with the shaven look, it’s hot. Real hot. I’m pretty sure if I was a girl and a guy pulled his pants down to show a bald doodle I would run for the hills! It just looks super weird. Also you’re likely to get ingrown hairs.

Using wax or that cream stuff will likely end in blood, sweat and a nasty rash. It usually doesn’t work very well anyway. All I use is the good old scissors, making sure not to cut anything off. Although I have attempted to cut the hair off my balls one time when I was drunk and gave the poor old sack cut. Don’t drink and snip!

Luckily I don’t have hair on my chest, although if I did I would probably give that Nads cream a go. I would never ever ever ever touch the hair under my arms after seeing what happened to a guy in my rugby team. He shaved under his arms and all that friction from sweat and what not created disgusting boils of puss and sweat under his arms, it was so sick!

That’s it for Tattooed Mulligans Friday quickie. Enjoy ya weekend and remember – Play hard, shag harder!

See you Monday!

Robocop . . . . . or not!

Growing up in the 90’s was great, although I am so envious of kids today.  90’s kids had Sega gaming systems, today’s kids have PlayStation. 90’s kids had the Spice Girls; today’s kids have Miley Cyrus….ok, I think they got the worst end of the stick in that one! And then there is the old VHS video tapes we 90’s kids had back in the day, so easy to accidentally record over.

Anyway back when I was eight years old I loved the Robocop movies “Part man. Part machine. All cop” I loved it! I used to watch it over and over again. Then they brought out Robocop 2 and 3, could life get any better?! It took about a year according to my dad for me to move onto something else to watch.

I used to hang out with Cody one of the neighbourhood kids all the time. We did everything together. Fishing down at the creek, playing with marbles, backyard cricket and of course going to the Polytech to kick the coca cola machine in the hope it would spit out a can of coke. Life was so simple back then.

One day Cody wanted to watch a movie, he told me he had never seen the first Robocop but this was a year after I had stopped watching it. I reluctantly told him I had it and asked if he wanted to watch it, of course he said yes. I put it on but all I could make out was what appeared to be a close up of a pig’s nose moving around. Confused I rewound the video and we watched from the start. It started off with these two people talking and then suddenly they started kissing and fucking!!! This wasn’t my hero Robocop! That wasn’t a close up of a pig’s nose. That was P going into the V!! Dad had taped over my beloved Robocop for porno! I freaked out and turned it off. Cody was 2 years older than me and wised me up to what I had just witnessed. He suggested we not tell my dad because he might be angry that we had watched it. I agreed.

Well that was my first viewing of that video, not my last though! I reached puberty at 12 and continued to enjoy the ol’ Robocop video for years to come. Although every time I watched it I noticed it was in a different place in the tap e. I guess all those noises coming from mum and dad’s bedroom was thanks to my Robocop video!Zdjęcie0901