The Good The Bad The Shags

Well I have already completed my New Years resolution of 2017 and we are only 10 days into the New Year. It was to see how long I could stay celibate for in 2017. Well I got the answer to that…56 bloody minutes into the new year! 
If you haven’t been reading my twitter I went to the biggest music festival New Zealand puts on all year: Rhythm & Vines for New Years. From where I live in Tauranga its a bit of a drive to get to the festival. Four hours of winding scenic roads. I took off at 10am on the 31st with one of my girl mates, she didn’t wanna pay for petrol so she offered to pay in other ways on the way down 😉 hitchhikers special is what I like to call it. 

We arrived there at around 3 and saw that to get in the car park to R&V they search your car for alcohol and confiscate it. Fuckers! I do a uturn and park almost directly across the road and down as many bloody shots as I can. “Any alcohol in your car guys?” one of the security guards says. “not anymore” I reply with a large smirk coming across my face. 

We park up and begin chatting to a van of German girls parked next to us, they happily share their straight vodka they had sneaked in (in their McDonalds cups). One of them is completely stunning, I gravitate to her and begin flirting with her, she is pretty lite and lets me know she has been drinking since lunchtime. Her friends wanna go back into the festival, she says she will catch up. My girl mate knows what I’m up to and heads to the portaloo. I jump into the German van and begin to hook up with this hot German. Now I wish i could say more happen than kisses but she told me it was that time of month, which was fine with me, I was just stoked I had hooked up with someone without even stepping a foot into the festival!

After about half a dozen security checks (which included a full body pat down) I started to make my way into the festival. As I walked past the dehydration station tents I was immediately grabbed roughly by two security guards “STOP RIGHT NOW!” the big one boomed at me grabbing my arms tightly. The other one radioed to another one of his guards “can you confirm the tattoo on his neck is a butterfly” he asked. “whats going on? I just got here” I said to them but they weren’t listening. After what felt like an eternity they got a reply from the guard that I wasn’t the guy they were looking for. I was free to go with not even an apology, fucking rude bastards! 

After that small hiccup it was time to get some beers in me and enjoy the show! Now if you’re thinking of going to R&V in the future the best place I found to pick up girls is the line waiting to get drinks. Now this fucking line was so bloody long, it gave you a good chance to chat to the people behind or in front of you. 

It wasn’t long before I hooked up with someone, then another then another. This is fucking paradise I thought! As I was waiting to go for a wee a girl came out of the portaloo and flashed her tits at me laughing and throwing her bra at me. “R&V fuck yea wahoooo” she screams, obviously on pingers or something. 

3, 2, 1 happy new year!!! me and the girl I came down with neck on with each other, shes a bloody amazing kisser, as the fireworks began to go off one big firework nearly went off in my bloody pants as I got a very happy New Year hand job. We split up again and went to look for girls and guys to dance with. 

Now as I said before the best place to meet chicks and potentially hook up with them I found was the drinks line…well I also found the fucking worst place in the worst way. After breaking the seal I had to go for another wee pretty soon after the first. As I waited and waited for whoever was in this certain portaloo to finish it never crossed my mind that whoever was in there might be throwing their guts up. 

So this stunning girl opens the door and pulls me inside. You are so fucking sexy she slurs at me. We start having sex in this fucking portaloo, shes on top of me jumping up and down. She then goes to kiss me and she tastes like fucking vomit, what the fucking fuck I thought immediately pulling away from her hot breath stinky mouth. We finish up and I fucking get out of there was fast as I can, gurgling my beer around my mouth to get the taste of spew out, yuck. 

I meet my girl I came down here with back at my car at around 5am and we watch the first sunrise of 2017 in style… doggy style. HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS!

Lake Weekend

It is a rare occurrence that my mates and I are all single at the same time, at least one of us is in a serious relationship trying to play boyfriend and girlfriend. But last week out of the blue my mate Tim texted me “I’m free bro, the shackles are off.” Now Tim is a type of guy that needs companionship, he fucking struggles to function without it so when he told me he was single I was in two minds about it. On one hand I was happy I had my night clubbing bro back but on the other hand I was concerned he was going to find it hard to cope with no woman to make sure he wipes his arse. After a kiwi style heart to heart that went like this:

Me: “you sure you all good bro”

Tim: “yeah bro”

Me: “sweet”

Tim suggested getting away from Tauranga for the weekend to get his mind of his ex as he didn’t want to see her if we went out. So we decided to get the old crew together and head to the lake for the night on Saturday. As I pulled up to the car park at the Lake Okareka camping site just outside of Rotorua I had a feeling of freedom. No phone service meant I had to actually make proper conversation. Tents were as far as the eye could see, this looked awesome I thought. As we walked in there was a young looking guy moaning about the long drop toilets being disgusting to anyone that would listen. Mostly everyone I could see was about 20-30 with the odd few families as well but fuck me there looked like a fair bit of talent. There were empty cans and rubbish everywhere, which later on I found out was from a bunch of tourists who didn’t give a shit about our clean green country.

We arrived late so all the best tenting spots were taken, luckily a nice bunch of girls around our age rearranged their tents and let us tent in beside them, top chicks! There were four of us guys. We put our tent up and began to have a few drinks. The sun was beaming down which made the drinks go down that much easier. Before long it started to get dark. We all started missing having coverage on our phones like crazy so decided to venture into town for a feed of fish n chips. Once we got back to the campsite the majority of the people where drinking. We got back to our tent and soon got approached by a girl offering to buy a beer off us as she had run out. Me being such a lovely gentleman I gave her a beer and told her we didn’t want any money and to enjoy the drink. Well this made her so happy she stayed and drank with us. Soon her friends came over and drank with us too loving it.

After about an hour I looked around and noticed we all had a girl on our laps even Tim, how freaking cool was this. We decide to go into our tent and the girls followed. Luckily this tent was huge so we had our own rooms, we all started having sex. Well I know I did. This chick was lush and being a typical kiwi chick she certainly knew what she liked. After a while I could feel that I was sweating profusely but I didn’t want it to end! I was busting out some of my best moves on this girl, “go mully go” I thought then immediately thought “fuck I’m a dick”. After we finished it was so hot that for the rest of the night we slept out on the grass. As we lay there I could hear Tim and his girl still going at it which was fine but the thing that make me and my girl cringe was when we heard him finish. Tim was panting louder and louder until he let out this all mighty moan which sounded like a fucking dying moose. The next thing I know he comes waltzing out of the tent grinning from ear to ear “Fuck that was great” he said smiling even more “bro you sounded like a dying moose” I tell him. But he’s too happy to care and runs off stark naked into the lake. What a great bloody night and nothing bad happened. I could do with a few more of these type of nights!

Summer Lovin

It’s a new year and I have made a new years resolution, I am going to be celibate for the rest of 2015….jokes. Give me a piece of string and I’ll find a way to fuck it. What a crazy crazy New Years it was, one of my mates suffered a minor stroke, I found myself smack dab in the middle of two camp sites trying to kill each and got laid at least a dozen times. I guess I will have to chop this blog up into a few parts as every night as been great.

Well my holiday started off pretty tame. Had Christmas and Boxing Day with the family which consisted of beer, whiskey and BBQ food. Then I picked up my mate who was back from Scotland for the holidays and off we went to the beautiful Blue Lake just outside of Rotorua. We stayed at the camp ground there in a pretty sweet looking tent. After we got our camp site sorted we started walking around the camp trying to find out where all the girls were. To my dismay there were mostly all just bloody families here this year with their annoying little kids running rampant everywhere. By the third lap of the camp we found a couple of tents that had girls in, but we weren’t sure if they had boyfriends so in my mind I marked those tents down to revisit later on. We got some ice from the store and began to drink in our tent.

It wasn’t long before we started getting louder and louder. We decided to go for a wonder to find those girls we saw earlier. To our surprise they were drinking AND they had no boyfriends!!! We started chatting to them and they invited us to join them, they were all tourists. Two of the 5 were from England, one was from Ireland and the other two were from Russia. The one I had my eyes set on was the one from Ireland. She had a thick Irish accent that could make any kiwi boy fall for her after one sentence. Her hair was dark brown which suited her perfectly as her eyes were green like spring grass. She was a legit 10/10 stunner. We all continued to talk, my mate was getting along really well with the English girls and I was getting on good with the Irish beauty. The other two Russians could barely speak a word of English but they were trying their best to fit in. I went off to get more beers, by this stage it was about one o’clock in the morning. The Irish hottie decided to come back for a walk to my tent. When we got to the tent she said “why don’t we start our own party here?” Before I could say “fuck yeah” she took her top off to show her set of amazing tits off. We kissed and hugged for a while, I met no resistance as I pulled off her undies. We started having sex and it was LOUD, it was fantastic. We never went back to the party, the next morning as we got out of the tent I heard a young boy ask his dad “was that the tent all those animal noises were coming from” me and the girl were instantly embarrassed but to my surprise his dad said “yes son, that guy is a lucky, lucky man” what a good dude!

The next two days went by too fast at the Blue Lake, me and the Irish girl were inseparable doing everything together like kayaking, swimming and of course shagging. My mate Teeps didn’t let the team down either by scoring one of the English girls. On the last day it was the hardest thing saying goodbye, promising to stay in touch we left the Blue Lake with two huge smiles on our face and some great memories. Now it was onto the New Year’s festivities in Gisbourne at the Rhythm and Vines concert spectacular!