The Girls Of Tinder 

Well while I’m sitting here listening to a great song called ‘Swipe Her’ – by yours truly. I’m swiping through tinder and noticing more and more different types of girls that can be rounded up into different categories. So if you’re a noob to Tinder or just wanna get the 4-1-1 on what to expect, have a read of this blog that I just wrote called ‘The Girls Of Tinder’.
Now, the first type of girl and normally my favourite is Fun Girl. Fun Girl will make it crystal clear that she is here for a good time not a long time. She will either drop some big hints like; ‘Wanna hang tonight?’ (aka Netflix and chill aka hide the sausage). Either that or she will actually write “here for a good time not a long time” on her profile! Super like her if thats what you’re wanting.

Next girl is Bong Girl. Bong Girl is looking for weed, obviously, now she may say she is looking for someone to smoke her weed with but what she is really saying is “Hey, I don’t have any weed but i’ll come meet you and smoke all of yours and grace you with my company.”

Next is Fuck Knows What I Want Girl. Now Fuck Knows What I Want Girl doesn’t fucking know what she wants and she will MESSAGE YOU ALL FUCKING NIGHT and you still won’t know what she fucking wants. If it says this on her profile SWIPE LEFT unless you wanna talk about how her day is, how the fucking weather is, what she had for tea, how she wipes her bum. Swipe left please. 

Looking For Friends Girl is next…….. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING FOR FRIENDS ON TINDER! Swipe Left for fuck sakes.

Dinner Girl is next, she may disguise herself as fun girl but she’s not! I had a Dinner Girl last week: brought her the first drink thinking I was hanging with Fun Girl then fucking Boom!! Fun Girl asks if we should get a menu, my Tinder senses started tingling and fucking Bam! She orders food and ol mully has to pay as she has no money. DINNER GIRL. 

Lastly is Relationship Girl, like a Dinner Girl but one big difference… she offers to split the bill if you go out on a date. Obviously you’re going to pick up the bill on the first date but just her offering changes her from Dinner Girl to Relationship Girl. Also Relationship Girl goes home on first date if she doesn’t, mate you gotta Fun Girl! 

Well thats it, of course there are more types like Sally Barry Girl when the girl is actually a fucking dude but hey lets hope you don’t come across one of them!

Mully Dates International Ed – Sydney Pt.2

The next day was just a day out with my flatmate whom I had promised I would spend a day with to do all the touristy bullshit. To say this day didn’t drag would be a fucking understatement, it started off fun with Madame Tausauds wax museum, but then went to some bloody lizard wildlife crap. As we began queuing to get in about half a fucking school of little 9-10 year old Australian kids did too. Now picture the most annoying fucking accent and add pre puberty squeakiness to that then add fucking volume, you get the worst thing on fucking earth. As we walked around looking at these stupid fucking lizards that just lay there doing sweet fuck all, these kids were going nuts. Running into everyone and screaming like fuck. I almost chucked a couple of them into the snake enclosure, might’ve been the most excitement those poor snakes have had all year.   
After the day of doom it was time to get ready to go the the Golden Mile – Kings Cross! Now if you haven’t heard about Kings Cross, its like the red light district of Sydney. Bars, brothels, night clubs and my personal favourite strip clubs are all on offer in this delightful place, its like Disneyland for me. I started bar crawling jumping from bar to bar to find a cool atmosphere and cheapish drinks. I finally settled on one called Kings Cross Motel, the staff were so nice and the place was pumping with hot chicks. I started chatting to a group of girls by buying them a round of drinks which worked a treat and thats all it took. The next thing I know I’m on the dance floor kissing the face off this pretty ok looking ozzy. Things go down hill pretty fast though as the larger friend of her group decides to pull her away from me and tells her its time to call it a night. Everyone else in the group seemed to be having a great time but fucking chunkimus prime decided to shut the fucking fun down and go home. So I was all on my lonesome again, should I call it a night too I thought? Fuck no!!  

It was time to head to the strippers so I stroll down the street browsing which one I should go into and settle on Bada Bing nightspot. The girls are stunning and very welcoming. I immediately get given a free wee lap dance by probably the ugliest one there, to be honest I couldn’t wait for her to finish; she obviously was on the hustle as she must have seen me get one hundred dollars worth of stripper bucks out. She did a handstand putting her vagina right in my face, now usually this would be a guys dream mine but this fucking chick stunk like smoked bloody fish. I could smell it before she did the handstand move but when she did the handstand I almost threw up into her fucking vag. Luckily she couldn’t hold that position for long as I was trying so hard not to gag. Apart from that the rest of the night spent at the strip club was great! One of the dancers was a kiwi and gave me a sweet discount on a private dildo show and even let me stick the big black one in, wahoo! I ended up ubering it back to the motel at around 2am, luckily the nice manager at the strip club charged my phone for me as it was dead. 

Well that was it from my Sydney adventure, onwards to Perth. Lets see what the dating scene is like there!

Help A Brother Out

Be yourself, God I HATE when people try and offer me advice by telling me to be myself when I get ready for a date. If I was being myself I would be under the fucking table dry cranking it. Whenever I try and offer advice I always try to say something they wouldn’t normally hear from anyone else. Here are some examples that people have dm’ed me on twitter asking for my advice, with me providing the answers.
“Hiiiiii Mullie trying to get this girl keen on me but she always stops texting me after 4 or 5 Msgs”

A. If you really wanna see if she is keen on you fuck her friend hahaha nah but seriously, if you can’t tell if she is keen on you when you are at a house party or in town with her, almost completely ignore her and focus all your attention onto talking to other girls in front of her. You soon should be able to tell if she is interested. 

“Love the blog bud, I’m 25 and am dating a 45 y/o but have developed feelings for her 20 y/o daughter and so has she, what shall I do”

A. Fuck sake have a mother daughter combo bro 😉 nah nah ugh god every way I look at this the mum is going to get hurt and not talk to her daughter for awhile, if you don’t give a stuff about that brake it off with the mum and move onto the daughter. If you do care, brake up with the mum and cut ties with the daughter, plenty more fish in the sea (another saying I fucking hate). 

“Mate!!! how do I score the girls like you!”

A. haha get a tattoo and get a fake job, slighty different to what George Thorogood sings about (get a haircut and get a real job). Get talking to girls in town and tell them you’re a tattooist or something else where they think they can use you to get something out of it to benefit themselves. Boom, they will come home with you or invite you to theres in the presumption that if they sleep with you then they might be able to get some freebies. Only fucking freebie they will be getting is a free shag, yeehaaa. 

“Lights on or lights off ma man”

A. Depends really on what type of girl you have bagged. If I have scored an ace, a 10/10, a worldly, I would definitely leave the lights on, I wanna see and remember that shit. If I end up pulling a 3am special, a desperado, a fat amy, I would turn the lights off, get where I needed to get to and leave the lights off. Yes yes a wee bit hash but just being honest. 

“What would you say is your favourite nationality for a girl to have.”

At a time I really liked the English accent, American/Canadian accent can be sexy, really loving the Brazilian broken english at the moment. Add that accent to a naturally tanned Brazilian girl and thats fallen in love type shit right there. My least would definitely be a thick thick Australian accent, would rather have sex with a fucking car exhaust. 

“Hi bro loved your live tweets you did on your date last weekend, I have been on a date like that before any tips on how to handle it.”

Try to end it as soon as possible, if she\he won’t get off their phone they just aren’t interested. Finish your drink or meal as fast as possible, pretend you have just gotten a text and need to go and do something and end the date. If its really bad like mine was last weekend just pick yourself up and leave it, its not like your going to see them again, fuck em.
Well thats it from me, heading to meet a girl on Waiheke Island for the weekend, hopefully goes well!