Liverpool Kiss

Well my trip to the UK and Ireland is over! Unfortunately my mobile provider’s data roaming service costs a bloody arm and a leg so there were no live date tweets. But not to worry, I have a whole arsenal of stories to unleash on you in the coming weeks! The first one is called the Liverpool Kiss and without further ado, let’s get into it.
After driving from London to Liverpool our tour group checked into the motel and began drinking. We got taken to the Cavern Club which is a huge bar underground where The Beatles used to play. Most of us felt out of our element there as even though the live music was great, if you looked around the dance floor it looked like we had gate-crashed a fucking 70th birthday party with old fuckers jiggling their loose skin all around us. 
After rounding up the troops we headed off in search of a club, we got conned into one club in the promise of a free shot which turned out to be some shitty lolly water. Now to say we got drunk would be an understatement, we got fucked up beyond fucked up. Shot after shot, drink after drink, so much liquid I started growing fucking fins. 
I went outside to get some air as it was hot as a hooker’s undies in there. I started having a conversation with an older women who was part of a hens night. I was giving her heaps about her Liverpool accent which was hard to understand. Her banter was good and she loved my accent, now usually this would end in me inviting her back to my place right?
Yes right but this is England not New Zealand, she then tells me “you should meet my daughter” and proceeds to pull her 18 year-old daughter out of the night club to meet me. She is smoking hot and we hit it off too. We go back in the club and I dirty dance with both the mum and daughter, a Liverpool club sandwich, they both even kiss me on the cheek. 
Come 3am my tour group started telling me they were going to head back, her mum overheard and urged her daughter to go back with me!! “Go on, have a good time, he’s a handsome guy” she told her daughter. Well fuck me, I wasn’t complaining, I was in a wee bit of shock to be honest in my drunken state, this would never happen back home I thought.
We went back to mine where I had somehow scored my own room that night and I gave her the best two minutes of her bloody life. Whipping all my best moves out, missionary followed by missionary topped off with a sprinkle of missionary. After that it’s probably safe to say she would’ve blamed her mum for convincing her to go back to a bloody disappointment haha.
Next up Scotland! 

Gone Bush

Abstinence August is well and over, thank God Sex Please September is here! Looking up sex words for that title; ‘Sex Please September’ is the best I could come up with, others considered were: 

  1. September’s Sti’s
  2. Syphilis September
  3. September Scabies

They all sounded good if I was going to Hamilton and not planning on wearing a condom, but no I am staying away from H-town this month, keeping it local here in Tauranga. 

With a fresh new batch of tourists arriving on working holidays to soak up as much of our summer as they possibly can. A huge amount of new tinder profiles have been popping up! Living by the beach here, it’s an attractive place for tourists to come work and play every summer. Anyway, I got a sweet tinder match on Wednesday and immediately started messaging this chick. She had just arrived here from Banbury in the UK on a working holiday (loving it). We were getting on well sending messages the rest of Wednesday and by Thursday she gave me her number (Go Mullie!). Thursday night the texting quickly developed into sexting. Looking back on the messages “I’m rubbing myself” text from her is how things started. After a bit of back and forth messaging one from me saying “I’m so hard for you right now”. I wasn’t at all hard though, I was playing battlefield on the PS4 but going along with her texts at the same time. She then asked if we could send a picture each, great! I thought “I’m half way through a fucking online game and now I have to stop and wake my old fella up to take a dick picture!” Sent the dick pic and she sent me back a picture of her very very un groomed vagina, Jesus christ this isn’t the fucking 70’s I thought. “Send me another” she texted, what the hell does a guy send once a dick pic has been sent??? Girls have the luxury of having 3 great assets for sexting; bum, boobs and vag. In this case a fucking monster hairy minge. Surely to god she doesn’t want a photo of my hairy arse. Me being the photo genius I took a photo from a different angle of my dick, sent it and she loved it.

We arranged to meet up last night in town for a drink. Heading in I was a little nervous hoping she had gotten her weed whackers out and dealt to that afro puff down there. We met up and got on like a house on fire, her banter was top notch and her accent made her even more attractive. After what felt like a dozen or more drinks she asked if I would like to come back to her place. Me being the gentlemen I am I said no and that we should get to know each other better first….joking! “fuck yeah keen as” was my response. We pulled up at the local backpackers where she was renting a room for the summer and immediately started the rough and tumble. Completely forgetting about her huge bush, I pulled her undies off in preparation to give her a tounge tickle down there when whoosh! The huge fucking bush protruded out in all its glory. Now this wasn’t just a little fluff, this was a fucking HUGE amount of hair, already committed I began to give her a lick, every time I swallowed whist down there I could feel hairs on my tongue. I tried to make it as quick as possible but she was loving it, “ohhh Sean don’t stop” she moaned. After awhile I said “I have to stop” looking down at me she asked “why, oh my god it feels so good”. I replied quite frankly with “Because its like a garden down here and I have a mouthful of hair.” Luckily she laughed and we had sex which was great. After it was all said and done I might have convinced her to shave or at least maintain her bush. Job well done 👍

Well thats it from me, hopefully I will be seeing more of her while she is here on her working holiday which will be great and hopefully more blogs to come as a result!

Summer Lovin

It’s a new year and I have made a new years resolution, I am going to be celibate for the rest of 2015….jokes. Give me a piece of string and I’ll find a way to fuck it. What a crazy crazy New Years it was, one of my mates suffered a minor stroke, I found myself smack dab in the middle of two camp sites trying to kill each and got laid at least a dozen times. I guess I will have to chop this blog up into a few parts as every night as been great.

Well my holiday started off pretty tame. Had Christmas and Boxing Day with the family which consisted of beer, whiskey and BBQ food. Then I picked up my mate who was back from Scotland for the holidays and off we went to the beautiful Blue Lake just outside of Rotorua. We stayed at the camp ground there in a pretty sweet looking tent. After we got our camp site sorted we started walking around the camp trying to find out where all the girls were. To my dismay there were mostly all just bloody families here this year with their annoying little kids running rampant everywhere. By the third lap of the camp we found a couple of tents that had girls in, but we weren’t sure if they had boyfriends so in my mind I marked those tents down to revisit later on. We got some ice from the store and began to drink in our tent.

It wasn’t long before we started getting louder and louder. We decided to go for a wonder to find those girls we saw earlier. To our surprise they were drinking AND they had no boyfriends!!! We started chatting to them and they invited us to join them, they were all tourists. Two of the 5 were from England, one was from Ireland and the other two were from Russia. The one I had my eyes set on was the one from Ireland. She had a thick Irish accent that could make any kiwi boy fall for her after one sentence. Her hair was dark brown which suited her perfectly as her eyes were green like spring grass. She was a legit 10/10 stunner. We all continued to talk, my mate was getting along really well with the English girls and I was getting on good with the Irish beauty. The other two Russians could barely speak a word of English but they were trying their best to fit in. I went off to get more beers, by this stage it was about one o’clock in the morning. The Irish hottie decided to come back for a walk to my tent. When we got to the tent she said “why don’t we start our own party here?” Before I could say “fuck yeah” she took her top off to show her set of amazing tits off. We kissed and hugged for a while, I met no resistance as I pulled off her undies. We started having sex and it was LOUD, it was fantastic. We never went back to the party, the next morning as we got out of the tent I heard a young boy ask his dad “was that the tent all those animal noises were coming from” me and the girl were instantly embarrassed but to my surprise his dad said “yes son, that guy is a lucky, lucky man” what a good dude!

The next two days went by too fast at the Blue Lake, me and the Irish girl were inseparable doing everything together like kayaking, swimming and of course shagging. My mate Teeps didn’t let the team down either by scoring one of the English girls. On the last day it was the hardest thing saying goodbye, promising to stay in touch we left the Blue Lake with two huge smiles on our face and some great memories. Now it was onto the New Year’s festivities in Gisbourne at the Rhythm and Vines concert spectacular!