Mulligans Brothel Adventures

Back in the day as a naive eighteen-year-old, going to a brothel seemed like a scary idea when my mate brought it up. Fast forward nearly ten years later the idea of visiting a brothel seems as normal as buying a loaf of bread. Yes, I have been to brothels numerous times and I will most probably stumble into one again. Looking back on my first time at one my two mates had the time of their lives. We had saved all our money working part time jobs while going to school and come the end of the year we were off to Sydney Australia for a boy’s holiday. We headed out on our first night in Australia to Kings Cross, a notorious part of Sydney made famous on the television show ‘Underbelly’. We went night clubbing in a club called ‘Candy’s Apartment’, it was pumping. Hanz was the first to hook up with someone followed closely by me. Tim was far too drunk; he had continued drinking all his duty free spirits after we had got off the plane. We ended up in Porky’s Nite Spot. Porky’s is part of the seedy side of Kings Cross and is famous for being one of those classic sleazy neon-lit strip clubs where bouncers were constantly throwing horny punters out for being too rough with the dancers. We sat in complete shock, there were boobs everywhere. Being young we got hustled for our money pretty good by the strippers. Tim went all out tipping them, getting a private lap dance. He was completely in his element. Eventually we all got so worked up we had no choice but to go visit the local brothel. I couldn’t bring myself to pay for sex so I stayed in the waiting room (these days I would be getting amongst it!!). Tim and Hanz wanted the same girl so they decided to pay a bit extra to have a threesome with her, which is something that doesn’t seem to be allowed at brothels I have visited here in New Zealand. I waited for half an hour for them to finally reappear, Tim smiling from ear to ear and Hanz couldn’t stop laughing. I asked him what was so funny and he told me after he was done Tim went down on the prostitute! I don’t go down on one nighters let alone prostitutes! To make this even more funny they were the last two clients of her busy shift. Poor old Tim had licked a snatch that had been entered by least a dozen guys in the past couple of hours and by our mate Hanz just before him! Safe to say when Tim realized this afterwards he suddenly become very, very sick.

Over the next nearly ten years since that time I have visited numerous brothels. Buying rugby boys a blow job from Hamilton’s Calendar Girls for their 21st birthdays became a normal thing. I knew the owner pretty well and he would shout me a few beers while I waited for the lad to get his cream donut. One time while being in Hawkes Bay after not scoring a girl in Havlock North, I decided to wander into a brothel in Hastings. If you know Hastings you would know that this was a big fucking mistake already. The only girl working was a 50 something year old fat bean bag. After wheeling and dealing I managed to get her down to $40 for twenty minutes. After making me shower I come out to this fucking walrus sprawled on the bed “how do you want me big boy” she said attempting to put on a sexy voice. “ummmmm I like doggystyle” I said. She put a condom on me with her month, an awesome trick if ya teeth aren’t bloody yellow. So there I was thrusting away on this fucking thing that was older than my mum when I realized my condom had slipped off, not thinking too much about it I finished up and was on my merry way. The following day going for a pee felt like fucking razor blades, that’s when I remembered the condom falling off. Eventually getting tested the following Tuesday and getting the dreaded results back on Friday. The doctor confirmed that I had contracted gonorrhoea, the worst sounding fucking sexually transmitted infection ever thought of. Luckily with the right medicine I got it rid of it in no time to the biggest relief of my life to date…. well until I contracted chlamydia but that’s a whole different story!

My Birthday Blog!

This past weekend was my birthday so off to Hamilton I went! I give Hamilton a lot of grief, but to be honest nothing beats its night life. (Queenstown and Dunedin come close) When I look back at this weekend I feel like I did a shit load of observing. Usually I’m so drunk and focused on one thing – chatting up girls. Although that was obviously on my mind I couldn’t help but watch what other people were doing while they were out on the town.

My mates and I got into town at 11pm, since it was my birthday we went to the Sky City Casino! The first time you go to a Casino the shiny lights make it feel like you have walked into Emerald City. It looks amazing and so fancy. After a few visits you start to notice little things like at least fifty percent of the clientele are either people on welfare using all their money up, or people that can’t stop gambling. The other fifty percent of the clientele are Asians. It just feels like a sad, sad place to be for too long. Anyway after the machines had chewed about one hundred dollars of my money I decided to go to the bar and get a drink. I got the cheapest beer they had on tap after feeling dejected for wasting so much. Suddenly this lady came up to me and asked if I had seen her purse. I said no, and suggested she go check with security. She then yelled out to the bartender and told him that she had seen a girl with his uniform come up and take her purse; this was when it started to get weird. The barmen told her that if any of them had seen an abandoned purse they can’t touch it until security gets there so that’s impossible. To be honest the bartender was a bit of a prick which added fuel to this ladies fire. Annoyed with his answer this 40 year old women now gets up on the bar and starts screaming, asking if anyone has seen her purse. Out of nowhere the security pops up along with the police whom must have been doing a walkthrough as they normally do. The police grab her and arrest her, ‘what the fuck’ I thought, that’s pretty harsh. I asked the security guard why they arrested her – turns out that security had found her bag filled with meth, syringes and the lady’s I.D, that’s why she was freaking out.

I went back and found my mates, one of which had won the mini jackpot of four hundred and fifty dollars. I convinced him not to waste it and off to The Hood night club we went. The place was packed and pumping. My mate who won all that money was just splashing it out on drinks for all of us, shots round after round. I start talking to these two British chicks (love the Brits!). We start chatting and dancing together. Everything is going so good; I’m kissing both of them feeling like a total stud.  We grab another round of shots and drinks and continue dancing.  Suddenly I smell what I thought was a really, really disgusting fart. Thinking nothing of it I continue dancing till a few people stop and start smelling it too. “What the Fuck” one of the girls I’m dancing with shrieks looking down at her feet, some dirty bugger has taken a massive shit on the dance floor. I start to pray hoping my shoes haven’t got any on them but yup, there is poo in the crevices. There is shit everywhere mushed and stomped around the club. Most of the club leaves after people start looking down at their shoes; I can’t get to the two British backpackers in time as they hurry into the nearest taxi – fuck! Whoever took a shit on the dance floor has cock blocked me with their fucking feces. Admitting defeat I grab a taxi and head back to my mates place and crash not before chucking my shoes in the bin outsid, yuck!

Well that’s it from me, I got my birthday kiss from not one, but two babes. Good times, but to whoever shat on the dance floor I hope you went and wiped after!