Road Trip Night One Hamilton

As I stare at this huge turd floating in my motels bath, a few things begin to cross my mind. How did it get here? Is it mine? It looks like a small person, should I mush it down the baths plug hole? Should I deposited it in to the toilet? Bugger it I think, I’m gonna leave it for the cleaners! Last night was night one of my weekend road trip, first up was Hamilton. Here is a recap of the night that was.

As I pull up to my motel I can’t help but be disappointed by how run down it looks. I booked it off the wotif.com website which is a website that offers awesome discounts on motels across New Zealand (and the world). I didn’t check out the motel on the site, I just saw it said “free breakfast” and “luxury spa bath in unit”. “Fuck yeah!” I thought, bitches love bubbly water :p

As I walk in to the unit, I feel like I had been in the hot tub time machine and been transported back to the frickin’ eighties. The paint job in the unit was a sickly custard colour, the bed is as stiff as my penis is when thinking of a Nicki Minaj booty. The TV is the shitty old tube TV from the late 90’s. Fuck.My.Life. Luckily the spa bath is from this century and looks rather delightful, thank god! After a brief dip, I get ready to go out. Scrolling through tinder I find a girl I had been chatting to a few weeks back, I ask her if she wants to go for dinner and of course she agrees. I wait for her for about five minutes at the Italian restaurant I suggested we go too and finally she walks in or should I say, limps in. She immediately tells me that one of her legs is longer then the other, WHAT THE F is that actually a thing. I brush it off and say its fine and I order a round of tequila. The food is amazing, we start loosening up after the second round of tequila and begin to play footsies. By the third round we began holding hands. Time for the cheque! Dinner cost me $260 so I tell ol limpy that I don’t feel like going to town and ask if she would like to come back to mine, she agrees so off we limp!10814094_10204513197341826_171806622_n

We drink some more at mine on my stiff bed. I went to the toilet and when I get back she is fully naked and legit says to me “bring that monster cock over to me” what the fuck I thought! She hasn’t even seen my cock, for all she knows I could be packing a little cherry o breakfast sausage down there. We do the business and she seems to be on another level of pleasure, each pump I do she is cuming. “Damn I am good” I think to myself. We finish up and say our good byes. As she is walking out, she isn’t limping anymore! “I FUCKED THE LIMP OUT OF HER!!!! MY LOVE MAKING CURES PEOPLE” I think to myself in my drunken state, damn Mullies on fire.

Well that is round one of the my weekend road trip done, next stop Tauranga for round 2!

Shes Got A BF

Its Saturday 18/10/2014. I’m heading to Hamilton to visit my rugby mates having a party and then were hitting the clubs. After a week of sunshine the heavens decide to open up and put a slight damper on the occasion. I get to my mates, before I can get out of the car I am being offered a beer. We start drinking at 2pm, its nice being back hanging out with the boys chatting the usual crap about girls and rugby. By 7pm the drinking games had started. ‘The circle of death’ was the name of the game also commonly known as ‘4 kings’. The game is pretty simple, an empty cup is placed in the middle of a circle of playing cards placed face down. The last king card to be revealed means the player must skull whatever has been poured in the cup. Each other card has a rule that is predetermined before the game starts. One of the cards this time was a dare card, so of course I get dared to do something stupid. My mate Ropata decided to dare me to strip naked and knock on the next door neighbour’s house and ask if they were looking for a good time. GREAT! Not one to back down from a dare I go to the toilet touching my dick to make it look half respectable. BOOM got a semi hard on going. I walk back down to the garage; my mates are laughing their heads off. I step out on the pavement looking over to the next door neighbour’s house. My heart starts racing, I hope these neighbours are hot girls! Feeling like a complete creep I walk over to the house. I look back and all my mates are out of the garage looking at what was about to happen. I knocked, I could hear some footsteps, and here we go I thought. The door opens and a middle aged Indian man is standing there. SHIT! I thought not hot girls. “Are you looking for a good time big boy” I shout at this bewildered man, shaking my bum so everything was jiggling down there. “Get the bloody hell out of here” he screams in his strong Indian accent. I take off back to the garage where everybody is in tears of laughter.

We continue playing this game till it’s time to get ready for town. As we get to town it’s hard not to notice all the new clubs and pubs. It seems every year here in Hamilton at least half a dozen places change their names for one reason or another. We head straight to Agenda wanting to have a dance. The place is pumping with girls hardly wearing anything and guys perving from every direction.  We stay here until about 2am then heading to The Outback. We hit the dance floor where I start dancing with this extremely hot blondie. We starting getting pretty into it, I starting touching her bum and we started kissing when suddenly I get turned about and SMACK, I get decked.  “That’s my fucking girlfriend” a huge looking guy shouts down at me. I’m still on the ground when he starts to kick me. Luckily by this stage my mates have seen what has happened and push him off me, giving me enough time to get up. Pushing them out of the way I punch him as hard as I can in the head, his nose literally explodes like a pimple with blood gushing out everywhere! My mates grab me yelling “we got to go, bouncers are coming”, we head out the side door where luckily a taxi is waiting. I dive right in and we head home still slightly shaken up with what had just transpire. I feel sad for the dude whose girlfriend blatantly couldn’t care less about him. Moral of this story for me is, if she looks really hot ask if she has a boyfriend…and if she does, is he here!