Shit Happens (at the worst times)

Ever dabbled with pre workout supplements? Most give you a huge energy boost. People that have used them say it gives you an intense focus during training, allowing them to train harder for longer. It contains DMAA, dimethylamylamine  which increases the heart rate and is often used as a dietary fat burner. After using it I read a lot of articles about all the side effects it has and also how it had been linked to a few deaths caused by heart attacks, fuck! Anyway this is my story about using it, I wouldn’t endorse people to take it after what happened to me. After the footy season came to a close last year I decided to hit the gym hard, getting a personal trainer to give me a program was step one. Step two was to find some good supplements, which my trainer gave me advise on. Whey protein, amino caps and something I hadn’t tried people called ‘Jack3d’ pre workout. I mixed it in with my water before my workout and holy shit I haven’t worked out so hard in my life, it made my heart pump and I felt like I could do anything! I started using this shit everywhere; before workouts, rugby and even before going night clubbing. You could dance all night on this stuff which is just what I did and that is where I met my girlfriend I had for a week. I was dancing and dancing at the club, jack3d pumping through my veins and that’s when I met her, this really sporty looking chick that was dancing as hard as me. We danced the night away and exchanged numbers as the club closed at 3am, now at this stage I was hoping we would go home together but she gave me a good night kiss, hopped into a taxi and left me outside the club alone. This was going to take some ground work.

This chick was a gym bunny. Going on a date with her was a hard session at the gym, so for the next two weeks we would meet at the gym for flirty workouts. Finally she asked if I wanted to go on a marathon like run along the beach and up Mount Maunganui. I started stressing, hoping that I could keep up with her, but then I remembered I had my jack3d stuff. Still nervous I doubled the amount of the pre workout that was recommended and skulled it down. We started off jogging at a relatively easy pase, she looked smoking in her tight running pants. My stomach began to churn mid way through, thinking nothing of it we continued jogging heading towards the base of the mountain. As we headed up the mount my stomach started getting worse “keep up” she said smiling. She started striding out with her legs so without thinking I did the same, suddenly the churning in my guts violently dropped into my bowels and without warning I shit myself. “Oh my god, I’m having an accident” I yell to her as my arse continues to spray brown goo everywhere. My shorts, legs and shoes are all drenched in shit, “what the fuck Sean, gross!!” she said taking off, leaving me half way up the mount covered in shit. For the next hour I couldn’t stop shitting, it was the worst! Whatever was in this jack3d shit was unforgiving. shithappensMy stomach was extremely sore, luckily I had my phone on me and called mum to come with some fresh pants. The dried shit on my legs took some scrubbing to get off when I got home. That night I got a text saying “sorry for leaving you” which I replied back “shit happens”.

The Proposition

Wow what a great weekend it has been, my Mum asked me what my plans are for Easter. With a smirk I said “The same as Jesus: disappear on Friday, show up on Monday.” I headed to Napier on Good Friday, the roads were packed with families all going in different directions for the long weekend. As I went through the Napier Taupo gorge I passed the paddock were I had crashed before in the blog ‘Meeting Mountain Woman’ and noticed a sweet new fence had been constructed with a home made sign saying ‘SLOW DOWN!’ when I got to Tim’s I was greeted with a cold beer and a manly hug. We began chatting about the good old days. I asked what exactly are we doing tonight, and with a grin Tim told me we are going to one of his girl mates 21st birthday parties – fucking sweet i thought! We arrived at the party already half cut, they had booked out this huge hall and it was packed! We started mingling, I was riding Tim’s coat tail for a bit which was getting boring following him around. Finally somebody asked me what I do for a job, I quickly went through all the jobs in my head I could be but came back with the most trusty answer ‘Im a tattooist’ I replied with a smirk. I was finally the “it man” with everybody wanting to talk to me about what they wanted to get tattooed. As the night was getting on, I was becoming the life of the party joking, dancing and chatting to everyone, at one stage I’m pretty sure the granny wanted to shag me but lets not digress. Tim suggested we stay at the party over going to town as there was a sweet bar tab, I wasn’t going to complain everybody was loving this (fake) tattooist. Two of the people I were hanging around with the most were this couple Erin and Dan I think their names were. She was smoking hot but he was kinda nerdy, I found out it was her birthday so I brought over a round of shots which went down a treat. These two kept disapeering which I found annoying as they were the two I was hanging around with. After the third time I asked them where they were going. With a cheeky smirk she replied quite bluntly “for a fuck, i’m a nympho” shocked I replied “whoa, nice!” As the party was wrapping up I looked at Dan, the poor guy looked buggered. I toddled off to the toilet, I started going for a leak when heard a voice behind me “can I asked you of you would be interested in something?”. It was Dan, I put my snake back in my pants turned around and nodded, he continued “well as you know it’s Erin’s Birthday today and she has always wanted to have a threesome with two guys”. Oh shit I know where this is going, he paused and took a big gulp then followed with “would you like to come back to ours with us? I think you would be perfect because your not from here”. Fuck me this took me by surprise. Now normally I would say no but thinking of this blog and what a great story it would make I agreed.
Dan went back to tell Erin the good news, she hugged him, grabbed his hand and ran over to me “Lets go home” she grinned grabbing my hand too. As I headed towards the exit I yelled out to Tim “I’m going home with these two” he looked at me with a puzzled grin as if to think “what the fuck for”. As we got back to their place I noticed Dan was as uncomfortable as me “we don’t have to do this bro” I said “na na I owe her since for my birthday we had a threesome with her girl mate”. What a fucked up relationship I thought, what ever happened to a gift voucher or some bloody flowers. We all got naked, I had no clue what the limits were so I just stood there like a twit, she began to give as both oral which was great…. if the bloody light wasn’t on. Poor ol Dan couldn’t get it up but me on the other hand was standing to attention, so Erin decided to have doggy style with me while still performing oral on Dan. I asked again before I started “you all good with this bro?” He nodded so for the next 15 minutes I shag this poor guys girlfriend in front of him even making her climax. God I was feeling for the guy. After we finished he went all weird and said he wanted to sleep now so not wanting his sadness to turn to anger I quickly got dressed and said goodbye and hiked back to Tim’s.
Well apart from sleeping with a girl the following night who filmed me snoring, that was probably the most interesting thing that happened on my Easter weekend. Thanks for reading!

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Losing My Virginity

After a weekend of work and no play I decided to write about losing my virginity. Firstly before I start this blog, looking back I wish I hadn’t of been so young when I had sex for the first time and I do not condone under age sex, but this is my story of what has happened to me.

I was 12 when I had sex for the first time. I had just started form two at Tauranga Intermediate and Jennifer had been my girlfriend for over a year. Jennifer was a year older than me; I met her at school camp as both our classes went together. We snuck out after everyone was asleep and made out in the toilets; I thought I was so cool.  I shared a lot of firsts with Jennifer. She was the first girl that said she liked me, first girl I held hands with, first girl I kissed, first girl I went on a date with and first girl that I introduced to my parents.

Jennifer was now form three at High school. She had a lot of older friends that were in form four and five who used to brag that they always have sex with their boyfriends. So I guess Jennifer decided it was time for us to have sex because she didn’t want to be that awkward girl in her group that didn’t do anything.

I knew what sex was and had walked in on my mum and dad before but never had thought much of it. Dad had also taped over my Robocop video with hardcore porn which I had stumbled upon when I was looking to watch my video which I have spoken about in an older blog. That freaked me out seeing intense close ups of vaginas, that looked disgusting. At the same time soft-core porn would be screened on sky tv at midnight. I would wait up for that some nights and sneak into the lounge and put a duvet over me and the TV, as the TV lit up the whole room. I was fascinated by how easy they made it to sleep with girls. Does a pizza boy really get that lucky?!

Jennifer and I would meet up at the nearby park after school which is a great spot to make out as its covered in trees. One day we were shoving our tongues in and out of each other’s mouths and she started rubbing my pants. I was appalled at first. “What are you doing!?” I asked. She said not to worry, that it will feel good in a minute. By now we were lying down, she was on top of me when she moved down to perform oral sex on me. It felt exciting. She pulled down my shorts and boxers and started giving me Head. Then she stopped and whispered in my ear “do you have a condom”. Luckily we had just done sex education at school and I had a couple in my school bag. I did not have a clue how to put it on; I thought I had to put my balls in it too. It felt really sore at first and within 2 minutes it was all over, in the end we both finished feeling satisfied with a taste of what sex will feel like in the future for us – now that we were no longer virgins.

The more we practiced the more I realized what to do; we would meet at the park for about another two months. I felt like a stud and would show off to my mates about it, they couldn’t even talk to girls and I was having sex with one! Everything seemed perfect until one of Jennifer’s older friends started giving her shit because she was going out with a boy from intermediate. We didn’t have cell phones back then so I got a phone call at dinner one night and it was Jennifer. “I can’t see you anymore, goodbye” she hung up and as quick and blunt as that I was dumped and devastated. That ended my first sexual experience.

Wrong Time To Fart

Wow, what a weird weekend it was. As I sit in the laundry mat today waiting for my sheets to wash. I continue to get texts from the girl I took home on Saturday apologising for what transpired that night. Wasn’t that much of a big deal to me but at the same time it was pretty funny so I thought I would share.

It’s the long weekend here in New Zealand and the weather is mint. My flatmates are away and my Hamilton crew are coming over. The first Corona is popped at 2pm and the Mexican beer continues to flow into the late evening. We play the four kings drinking game like usual and I finally get my revenge on my mate who made me knock on his neighbour’s door naked last weekend. I get the dare card, I have already decided what to dare my mate to do which is to shave one of his eyebrows off. He reluctantly agrees, this makes my job that much easier tonight in the clubs as he is usually my biggest competition but with now only one eyebrow his chances to pull have dramatically decreased.

We get to the clubs around 11pm going straight to the Bahama Hut which is sadly the only place that is really any good anymore here in Tauranga, even though 60% of the place is usually packed with spotty teenage boys that have just turned 18. After sifting through all the pus bucket males I find a group of attractive girls dancing in the corner. I tap my one eye browed mate on the shoulder and we walk-dance over to them. Not having to say anything the hotter girl of the group grabs my tattooed arm “oh my god I love your tattoos” she shouts over the music. I undo my collared shirt to show her my art on my chest. She loves it, I ask her for a dance and we continue dancing and drinking till the end of the night.

Against all odds Mr One Eye brow has pulled one of the group as well. They agree to come home with us to continue the party. We jump in the spa when we get home continuing to drink and finally I kiss my one, she loves it. With a few of the other boys in the spa it was a bit crowded so I convinced her we should get out because I was “getting tired”.

As we got into my room she threw me on the bed. Things heated up quickly, she proceeded to go down on me. She was so great at what she was doing down there. I started relaxing every muscle in my body enjoying what was happening which made me fart underneath the covers. I have those heavy winter sheets on my bed and she was trapped! She wriggled and wriggled trying to get out but the stench got to her and she ended up throwing up on my floor, sheets and clothes. She made such a loud noise that it attracted all the attention from my mates whom had gotten out of the spa at this stage. Bursting into my room they immediately asked if everything was ok, before I could say anything she said “he farted, I couldn’t get out and I spewed everywhere, I’m so sorry”. I’m not sure why she was sorry as it was my ass that did the damage. After a quick clean-up we went back to bed to sleep. What a weird way to finish a great night. In the morning we finally had sex which was great.  I took her home, she kept apologizing for spewing everywhere but I told her it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t dropped a bomb in bed.

Well that’s all from my weekend escapades, have a great week and remember – Play hard, shag harder!

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Getting Shat on Literally

I first meet Bayley in Tauranga town one weekend. I was catching up with a couple of mates outside a bar on the strand; I hadn’t seen them since school. We were watching all the talent walk past making comments to one another on who was looking hot and what not. It had been 6 years since we had finished high school and these two had always been the nerdiest friends I had hung out with. Since school had finished I had gotten on with my rugby moving to Hamilton, whereas they just hadn’t seemed to have changed at all. To show them how much I had changed I decided to approach a girl in front of them just to show them “look at me now lads!” Even though I was pretty confident that this would work I still was a little nervous. I scanned the packed street for any girls that looked single, finally I spotted one that had dropped her bag and I fucking pounced! She was picking it up when I walked over to her, “are you ok”? I said. As she looked up at me she had the most amazing eyes I had ever seen. They were as green as an emerald. I started stuttering “come on Mullie” I thought, the nerds are watching. “you’re like really nice tonight” is all I could manage to say. “Fuck” I thought, she grabbed me, kissed me and said “you’re coming home with me”. “WHAT THE FUCK!” I thought, I looked at the nerds and they looked as gobsmacked as me! Later on I found out Bayley was on the lookout for a guy to take home because her step brother was up from wellington that she used to fuck and she wanted to rub a guy in his face.

I think Bayley intended this to be a one night stand because after we finished rooting – which was pretty average to be honest, she started doing the fake yawning. “Fuck!” I thought thats my trick. I started to think “well if this is a one night stand I need to take a souvenir to show the boys because they would never believe I scored someone as moist as this” I still couldn’t get over how cool her eyes were; she had all these photos over her wall of her and all her friends. While she went to the toilet to wash all the sex away. I got changed, grabbed a photo, stuffed it in my pocket and proceeded to leave.

The following Tuesday I took the photos to rugby training to show the boys. They all asked what her name was, shit I never asked for it, typical. One of the boys noticed it was on the back of one of the photos. I couldn’t get home fast enough to find her on Facebook, I found her and sent her a message. She was kinda creeped out how I found her, I convinced her she told me, and luckily she believed me. I wasn’t going to tell her the truth that I stole a couple of her photos for the Mulligan wank bank

I started browsing her profile noticing she liked some weird shit, stuff like “two girls one cup” and “Scat appreciation” which to all of you that don’t know what that is – its poo porn, really fucked up shit. I didn’t think much of it as we continued to talk for ages. I still lived in Hamilton and she lived in Otumoetai in Tauranga. Her parents were away one weekend and she invited me over to have a crazy sex session, as she put it. I turned up there and was greeted with tequila shot after tequila shot until the bottle was demolished not to mention a few fat lines of mdma.

We started fucking with the lights on dim so I was fixated on her eyes, she was so hot. The sex though was just boring; she lay there like a dead person while I wiggled my arse back and forth. Suddenly out of nowhere she rolled me and suddenly she was on top, penis not even falling out, rather skilful of her. She lent in and whispered in my ear “do you wanna try something crazy?” here we go I thought, we are gonna have anal. “Yes of coarse” I whispered back. Then she whispered the unthinkable “can I shit on you” WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK I thought WHY IS THIS HOT GIRL WANTING TO POO ON ME!! Arhhhhh I quickly contemplated it and then I whispered back… “ok” now before you ask why, I did it so I could tell the story to the boys. Looking back I wish I said no no no NOOOO. But alas I continue, she reverse cow girled on me. The next thing I know in my drunken haze I’m staring into her bum hole. It gradually begins to expand and slowly but surely this log of doom starts to appear. As soon as it touches my stomach I freaked out “Ewww yuck what the fuck” I scream. She starts laughing and starts to make out that its normal and I’m the weird one for not letting her finish. “Finish in the toilet you weirdo!” I scream. She walks to the toilet with half a shit hanging out of her arse. I take off into the shower poo smudge on my tummy and all I jump in the shower, then quickly say goodbye attempting to drive not realising I would probably be over the limit. I zoom to my parent’s place and have another shower for what seemed like an hour using every different type of soap I could find. Safe to say I deleted and blocked Bayley on Facebook, moral of the story – if you see that someone likes scat porn on Facebook INVESTIGATE because they just might wanna take a dump on ya bloody chest.