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Middle Of Nowhere Date Recap

If you watch too much of something you get convinced real life is going to be like that. Well that’s exactly what happened to me last night. As I lay in bed trying to recount what exactly happened to me, all I can do is laugh…

I had been chatting to a girl on Tinder for a week or so, when she asked if I would like to meet up. I looked at how far away she was, about a two hour or so round trip. I agreed. This meant I could keep Twitter informed as my dating posts were live. 

Now, if you haven’t followed my live Twitter dating updates before shame on you! But, people seem to get a kick out of me updating everyone on how a date is progressing. 

So after an hour drive to the middle of nowhere, I finally came across her address. Her house looks like something out of one of ‘The Conjuring’ movies. The outside of the house was run down to fuck. I knocked on the door, and had convinced myself that the fucking Texas chainsaw dude was about to answer the door and saw my cock off. But to my surprise the girl I had been messaging answered the door. Fuck yes! She greeted me with a smile and welcomed me in.

There were no pubs where my date lived, so we drank at her place and then eventually went to her friends. We chatted about bullshit like cars, hunting and fishing which I had know idea about, but I was winging it and sprinkled bullshit on top made those conversations work. 

We got to her friends place just before 8pm, which I thought was pretty early, but not for her friend who had already polished off 10 x 7% cans of whiskey and cola. She was happy to see us. That happiness must’ve been a relief as she wanted us to play the drinking game, kings cup/circle of death/ four kings ….fuck….

At first her friend refused to let us play, telling us to take 4 shots of vodka so we would be on her level. We took the shots and the game was on! With some luck I got the rule card a couple of times. The first rule I made was pretty tame “if someone turns over a heart card you have to act out what your favourite thing to do in foreplay is. WOW! So I have never got my finger sucked before, but fuck me that was one lucky finger. The pressure was spot on and the technique was fucking lush. I wished it was something else feeling that pressure.


After all three of us were pretty sloshed, I decided to push my luck and make a saucy rule. “If either of you pick up a heart you have to kiss” I felt like a fucking horny 16 year old announcing this, minus the erection and with a pretty happy sucked off finger.

Well my date got a heart and they kissed. A peck? No, these middle of nowhere chicks were going hard. They were groping each other, their tongues getting lost in each others mouths. Well have no fear Mullie was there! I wanted the game to continue so I got in the middle of them. I honestly tried to remind them of the importance of the game at hand. “Fuck the game” the friend said as she knocked away the cards “give us that cock”

If there was an Olympic medal for getting naked I would have won it. Those two eager beavers commanded my clothes came off and that I gave them the D. Within seconds I was completely naked. They started giving me head and for the next 10 minutes we continued the foreplay. Eventually,  I decided it was time for my ‘lil boy’ to venture into a couple of blackholes. As I got it ready my date said “Lets do the swamp thing.” The fuck…? I thought as I laid there with a rock hard one.

They grabbed my hands and took me outside, for some reason I thought I was going to be sacrificed to the bloody middle of nowhere gods. But luckily that wasn’t the case. Those two horny girls just wanted to fuck outdoors. Most of us call it public sex, dogging or just simply sex outside, but not these girls. They had made my penis retreat into my body as they took me outside for some fucking swamp thing.

Luckily, a bit of mouth to mouth resuscitation woke ‘lil mate’ up and we fucked outside while the full moon beamed down on us. What a bloody great time to be alive. Now I wish I could sound like a blogging pimp and say we were out there shagging for fucking ages but no. Uncle Mulligan tired his best not to explode by thinking of his grandma in the middle of the fun but eventually I fucking exploded like firework in a letterbox.

We then went inside because who wants to cuddle outside. They continued drinking and I stopped in preparation to drive back early Sunday morning. I had a nap on the couch and as soon as my alarm went off I was greeted with morning sex.

 I bloody love the middle of nowhere!!!
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Vegas Baby

I met with my Contiki group and we headed off for Vegas. Contiki, is a bus tour designed for people 18 – 35 year olds, which is great as ya don’t get any old fuck on the tour. As we hit the highway out of Los Angeles our bus and all the cars behind it were flagged down by police to stop. Two police cars had pulled over a car and the driver was refusing to stop. It didn’t take long for two police cars to become five and guns drawn. Luckily, our tour guide made light of it and played The Clash’s “I Fought The Law” song whilst this was going on.


In my previous blog, I moaned about the Los Angeles heat but as soon as we got into Las Vegas, the middle of the desert, the heat was fucking insane. I even found it hard to breath. As I tried to find the nearest casino to run into, to escape the heat I saw some fucking local with jeans on. FUCKING JEANS ON!

We checked into Westgate Resort & Casino, I have never seen anything like it. There was a tattoo studio in the place where we were staing, MERICA. We went out clubbing that night, like everything in America the clubs were huge. I hung out with one of the bro’s for most of the night drinking expensive drinks, high as a fucking kite. We met up with a few of the peeps on the trip and decided to head back to our resort.

 

As we were walking back one of the English girls kept dropping subtle hints about herself and her situation. “Single in Vegas” she said out loud which oblivoulsy got my attention. She the put her arm around me calling me fucking SAM? “Sam, I don’t have a roommate” she said to me – Sean. I played along with her “Oh you are lucky, I do and he is a bloody strange English dude” Eventually, I asked her “Am I coming back to your room?” and she said “If you want.” That night I showed her why Kiwis always come first whether it be at rugby or at sex, because I bloody eurpted in fucking minutes. Oh the shame.


The next day, involved a lot of legal weed, swims by the pool to nurse the hangover, deep fried pickles and a kick ass Cirque du Soleil show. God I love vegas.

The Happy Ending Massage Story

For a guy who prides himself on being a bit of a sexual deviant, I haven’t had a happy ending massage… WTF! I was in Melbourne two weekends back for a catch up with some mates when one of them questioned if I had ever had a erotic Thai massage. My answer quite simply was no, but dammit this motivated me to have one!

Now for those of you who don’t know what a erotic Thai massage is; basically it’s just a massage with a hand job at the end.. basically. Now let’s paint the scene before we get to the happy ending.

On the Thursday  I flew out to Melbourne, loaded up with duty free booze and as soon as we touched down it was balls to the walls drinking.

I was staying in a motel in the heart of the city called Space Motel, an upmarket hostel. I met my mates who had booked the same motel. By this stage I was fucking legless and the rest of the night’s a bloody blur.

I woke up at about 6am in a pool of my own piss, yes human fucking urine. So for the next day I went shopping for a bloody blow dryer to dry my sheets and pee-infused mattress.

The next night I bedded a Swedish chick and my god, she was freaking sexy. I took her back to my room and we were enjoying the drunk sex for a few minutes until she noticed the bed was wet. My pee hadn’t dried and it fucking STUNK, in her broken English she said “eww pee pee ewww disgusting” and she took off, fuck me dead that was so bloody embarrassing.

Finally it was the day of the massage. After scouting a few places I settled on one in the city called Tender Touch. When I arrived I was welcomed by an Asian-looking Mr Bean, “Hi are you here for some boom boom?” he asked, “No, no, just a massage, happy one” I explained. He stood there for a second so I continued saying “Massage” and sign language with my hands “happy ending” doing the wanking action. “Oh oh ok hi hi, I bring girls for you to pick.”

After about 10 girls walking out introducing themselves to me, I felt like a judge on American Idol about to give one the ticket to Hollywood. I ended up choosing Ayumi, a slim looking Asian who was very, very beautiful. She invited me into the room “You undress now, all clothes off” she commanded. She came back in as I had stood there naked, “You sure you no want boom boom, you a sexy man?” she asked trying to up-sell me a shag. “No, no just a massage and happy ending thanks”

She begin massaging my back and holy heck it was so good, just the right amount of pressure. She worked her way down to my bum and began massaging me bum hole, “This is fucking weird” I thought. She focused on this area a bit too much, rubbing her thumbs into the hole. After drinking heavily the night before, all this did was make me wanna have a poo. “Turn over now” she told me. I turned over and she began the happy ending. She began rubbing my balls and then eventually started wanking me. I didn’t last long, she was that good I exploded all over my stomach. “Ohh wow lots of juice” she giggled and with that she left the room.

Well that was different but I’m glad I can tick that off my deviant bucket list. Wonder what I could do next? The Mile High club sounds like a good idea!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys and gals. Thanks so much for reading my blogs over the year.

Do’s & Don’ts When Attending A Swingers Party

Well after attending my 3rd swingers party and witnessing a couple get kicked out (no joke!) I thought I would list a few dos and don’ts when attending one of these get togethers. Our group actually sends a list before attending to newbies just in case.

Firstly Don’t come in bare feet or jandals (flip flops, thongs whatever you call ’em) These are sophisticated events so rocking up in a fucking singlet, shorts and no shoes on is a big no no.

Next while we are on the clothing subject, a collared polo or dress shirt is what’s expected along with dress pants or dress jeans. For the ladies a dress or shirt and skirt is what’s required – anything else has to be approved by the hosts ahead of time.

One big Don’t is don’t get too drunk, now this happened the last time with a female guest getting really intoxicated. Now add in getting very loud it was a recipe for disaster. “Who wants to fuck me?!!!!!!” she yelled out, “When’s all the fucking going to start?” she moaned. It got to the point where she got asked to leave and then forced to leave. She was a newbie and was obviously nervous, so to come out of her shell she drunk super fast. From all accounts she should’ve stayed in her fucking shell.

Another no no is if you wanna shag someone’s date, make sure your date’s into the partner. Last time my partner was chatting up some bloke and didn’t ask me if I was keen on the woman – I wasn’t – she was as interesting as watching fucking golf on tv. Being a good wingman I still shagged her; almost hitting my ball in the rough a few times but eventually getting a hole in one.

A couple more Dos and Don’ts are –

Bring condoms, common courtesy and respect. Some couples may not mind not using them but everyone’s different

Bring alcohol. Even though the hosts put on drinks and snacks, it’s always nice to bring a bottle of wine for the hosts.

Don’t bring RTD drinks like vodka cruises, pre-mixed Jim Beam, 12-24 boxes of beer. This isn’t a fucking garage party with mates. 6-pack of beer or a bottle of wine is fine. But as stated before, the hosts have that covered.

Well that’s it for what to do at a swingers party, blog about Thai massage Parlour Happy Endings with be up next.

Live Tweeting at a Swingers Party

Sometimes going to something the second time never lives up to what it was like the first time. But suck me sideways, this second time at a swingers party was amazeballs!
I got permission to live tweet the event as last time I shagged the hosts; I didn’t even know they were until we got invited to a private Facebook group to set this party up. The only conditions people had were no photos and no names on the tweets which was fine by me.

When we got to the party there was no sign of the dude who had the pineapple rings around his penis – which sucked as he was pretty funny. It was almost a completely different set of people apart from the hosts and one other couple. 

After chatting for a while, every second person was a business owner from around the local area obviously looking for a bit of fun away from the stresses of work.

Two pretty extroverted couples announced they are going into the bedroom and people were free to come watch. You don’t have to tell me fucking twice or my partner in crime for that fact. These couples weren’t shy either, dicks, fannies, tits and balls were on show for everybody to see. The couples started sucking their partners then changed over. The guys followed suit then oral, one of the girl’s bushes looked straight out of the 70’s, hairy as fuck. I felt sorry for the dudes that had to eat that, a little care trim goes a long way. 

The guys began shagging these two woman missionary, then swapping over, then the girls wanted a go on top. One of the woman told me to grab her tits, this is awesome I thought! Not long both guys’ corks blew and it was back to the party we went. 

We started chatting to a younger couple who seemed pretty cool, girl was blonde about 5’1′ and looked about 25. The bloke was in his early thirties from what I could tell. They were newly married but had an open relationship from the get go as they both liked sharing each other. 

They invited us to go down to a room, my date was a little reluctant because the guy thought he was hot shit, but she knew I wanted to shag his mrs so off we went. Now you know when some people like heaps of sauce of their fries/chips? Well these motherfuckers were the same when it pertained to lube. Fuck me they used what felt like half a bottle on my date and me. It was the slipperiest fuck ever, so slippery I went to do doggy style with the dude’s mrs and my dick slid right into her arse. “Ughhhhhhh” she yelped, “wrong hole! wrong hole!” 

Apart from the overuse of the lube the sex was amazing, the woman was amazing on top and even twerked – fucking awesome! We left the party not long after that still smelling like strawberry fucking lube!

Surgeon Date Recap

So these last two weeks have been pretty bloody tough to be honest, my nephew is basically in hospital permanently now which sucks. He is up in Auckland at a hospital called Starship, which is about 3 and a half hours from where I live.Luckily my boss is pretty chill and lets me drive up whenever I ask. 

I met a surgeon up there you in the cafeteria, we got talking and I let her know why I was there and that I was from Tauranga. She mentioned her parents live in Tauranga in a suburb called Matua and that she would be coming down for the weekend. I asked her if she wasn’t too busy if she would like to get a drink when she’s down; she smiles and says of course, yeahhaa boy!

We start texting and Snapchatting for a few days leading up to our Friday date with her even sending a naked snap which was bloody lush. On the Thursday night after she sent the nudie snap we got talking about sex and she asked if I had any fetishes. I must’ve sounded fucking boring as I couldn’t think of any. I asked her if she had any, her reply was weird and not very forthcoming. “I do but most people find it really weird so I don’t tell them until they know me well” she said.

Well fuck me, it could be anything a lot of weird shit started going through my mind. What if it’s poo porn? What if it’s humping a pillow porn, foot porn, shoving things up guy’s arses? – oh God not again.

After pressing her for a bit she wouldn’t reveal what her fetish was so come Friday I was slighty nervous and so was my bung hole. The chemistry was instantly noticeable when we started drinking, me pretending to be dumber than I am, asking stupid questions about surgeries etc. I again asked her what her fetish was but she wouldn’t tell me. After half a dozen shots of tequlia she opened up “I like to masturbate over those Dr Pipple popping videos, please don’t laugh” um what the fuck? Even in my drunken state I knew that was fucked up and all I could say to pretend it wasn’t too fucked was “oh well at least you’re not into poo porn”. I changed the subject pretty swiftly after that revelation.

Come midnight we taxied back to mine and, me being the gentleman and trying to support her fucked-up fetish, I asked her if she wanted to watch one. “Omg yes please if you don’t mind, there is a new one out I haven’t seen where she bursts a massive cyst.” I put the Youtube clip on the TV and she immediately starts fucking me, first with me on top, but she can’t get a good view of the TV. So she jumps on top and reverse cowgirls it. Now picture this fucked up situation; On the TV is a massive fucking cyst on some unwashed fucker’s back getting popped and then look at us, this chick is jumping up and down on my doodle organsming over this filthy shit. No amount of hotness would make me want to do this again but hey she fucking loved it.

After we finished I immediately turn the TV off as she gushed “that was the best sex ever”. All I could say was “that’s nice” because quite frankly that was one of the weirdest bloody things I have ever been a part of! 

Shite on the dance floor

Girls don’t like it if ya leave them in the club for long periods of time nor do they like it if ya fart during sex. Well this past weekend both of those things happened last night
I had been messaging this girl for a couple of days off of this new dating app called Bumble (surely whoever made that app could’ve named it something fucking better them bloody Bumble) when I thought fuck I’m getting bored with all this chitchat bullshit, I’ll just ask her out. She said yes, I got her address and promised to pick her up at 10pm that night. Around this time my stomach began playing up, feeling really tight, but thinking it was just indigestion, I thought nothing of it. 

I took her to the rugby flat where several dozen people had congregated earlier to watch the Maori All Blacks play the British & Irish Lions. We started pre-loading before going to town, doing shots of homemade spirits to doing funnels of beer, shit was getting hectic. We all decided it was time to go when my mate Bazza decide to tackle the wall; the wall lost. 

When we got to town the majority of us got declined entry at most places but luckily my mate knew the bouncers on the Bahama Hut nightclub door so in we went. We started dancing or attempting to, the place was packed, my stomach began playing up again. I thought I would let it out with a hard satisfying fart…. 

 

Arhhhhh Sqeeze Arhhhhh

 

PLOOP…. OMG 

 

FUCK

 

I’ve shit myself.

 

I bolt to the bathroom, pushing past people feeling the runny shit dribbling down my inner of my pants. I get to the toilet, pull my pants down and it looks like a fucking bomb had gone off in there. Still pretty drunk and not wanting to cut the night short I grab my soiled undies and take them with me back to the nightclub. Just before I spot my date I drop them on the dance floor and shuffle over to her. “Where have you been!” she wails. “Taking care of some business in the loo” I yell to her over the loud music, “I thought you left me!” she said.

Now back to the soiled undies as we continued to dance I saw these shitty things get kicked to all corners of the fucking club. It was like a beachball at a concert only shittier. Whoever the poor cunt was at the end of the night that had to do clean up I’m sorry.  

I took the girl back to mine with my stomach feeling better after emptying it at the club. We start having sex which by all accounts was great and then it hit me halfway through, I need to fart but I don’t know if a fart is all that will happen. I try holding it which made it worst and eventually it falls out. BURRRRRRRRTTT luckily it was just a fart but it was a loud bastard. “Ewwww get off, you’re disgusting” my date said, getting up and dressed “ring me a taxi”.

All I could think when she left was, I’m glad she didn’t see the shit that happened at the bloody club if she thought a fucking fart was disgusting! 

The Girls Of Tinder 

Well while I’m sitting here listening to a great song called ‘Swipe Her’ – by yours truly. I’m swiping through tinder and noticing more and more different types of girls that can be rounded up into different categories. So if you’re a noob to Tinder or just wanna get the 4-1-1 on what to expect, have a read of this blog that I just wrote called ‘The Girls Of Tinder’.
Now, the first type of girl and normally my favourite is Fun Girl. Fun Girl will make it crystal clear that she is here for a good time not a long time. She will either drop some big hints like; ‘Wanna hang tonight?’ (aka Netflix and chill aka hide the sausage). Either that or she will actually write “here for a good time not a long time” on her profile! Super like her if thats what you’re wanting.

Next girl is Bong Girl. Bong Girl is looking for weed, obviously, now she may say she is looking for someone to smoke her weed with but what she is really saying is “Hey, I don’t have any weed but i’ll come meet you and smoke all of yours and grace you with my company.”

Next is Fuck Knows What I Want Girl. Now Fuck Knows What I Want Girl doesn’t fucking know what she wants and she will MESSAGE YOU ALL FUCKING NIGHT and you still won’t know what she fucking wants. If it says this on her profile SWIPE LEFT unless you wanna talk about how her day is, how the fucking weather is, what she had for tea, how she wipes her bum. Swipe left please. 

Looking For Friends Girl is next…….. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING FOR FRIENDS ON TINDER! Swipe Left for fuck sakes.

Dinner Girl is next, she may disguise herself as fun girl but she’s not! I had a Dinner Girl last week: brought her the first drink thinking I was hanging with Fun Girl then fucking Boom!! Fun Girl asks if we should get a menu, my Tinder senses started tingling and fucking Bam! She orders food and ol mully has to pay as she has no money. DINNER GIRL. 

Lastly is Relationship Girl, like a Dinner Girl but one big difference… she offers to split the bill if you go out on a date. Obviously you’re going to pick up the bill on the first date but just her offering changes her from Dinner Girl to Relationship Girl. Also Relationship Girl goes home on first date if she doesn’t, mate you gotta Fun Girl! 

Well thats it, of course there are more types like Sally Barry Girl when the girl is actually a fucking dude but hey lets hope you don’t come across one of them!

Tips on How To Talk To Girls

Well its Wednesday aftanoon here in New Zealand and as I reflect on my weekend in Hamilton and make a plan for this weekend. I thought I would share a few techniques on how I have gone about picking up a girl with one that worked a bloody charm on Saturday. I have compiled a list of some ideas that I have put into play that have actually worked for me and hey, if they work for you guys great! I guess if any girls are reading this, this could be a list of what to look out for when a guy with tattoo’s approaches you ;p

  • Try a fake accent.

If the clubs really loud and you’re only looking for a hook up Try a fake accent, wear something from the country whose accent you’re trying to pull off or if you’re lucky like me point to a tattoo of an Irish shamrock, and say you’re from Ireland! I was just talking to the girl I slept with about this on facebook and she thought it was a legit accent.. Hi Ashleigh 😉                                               

  • Pretend you’re a fireman.

Going out in a volunteer fireman’s shirt helps. Girls LOVE a guy in uniform. Although real fireman HATE this and will embarrass you if they think you’re a fake.

  • Make Tattoo Business cards.                                                                                                                                       

Make sure it’s in another region of New Zealand or where ever you are from. Hand them out to girls in the club; make sure it has your number on it. This is probably one of the best ways to get talking to a girl in a bar or a club – as long as you can spin a good story. 

  • Shout a group of girls drinks all night.

I really don’t recommend this at all unless its $2 shots night then and only then splash out. I’m still paying for this after shouting a horde of girls a round of “whatever they wanted” turns out whatever they wanted cost $120 bucks, fuck!

  • Go on a club tour in the city you are in. 

Auckland use to have a fantastic one called ‘The Big Night Out’. It’s targeted at tourists but anyone can go. For $25 they take you to all the best clubs as a group stopping at each one for a shot or a drink. Unfortunately they relocated to Queenstown but looking at their facebook it looks bloody fantastic. This is a great way to talk to girls as the organisers make you do different fun social activities which is always a good time! 

  • Meet up with Girls off Social Media

Jump on Tinder arrange to meet a different girl at a different club throughout the night. If the first one is weird move onto the second one! This is what i’m planning to do this weekend I just hope they bloody turn up!!!

So there are a few things I have done that helped me mingle with girls. Truthfully just being confident and honest is the best bet for anyone but fuck anyone can use a couple of tweeks in their game to meet a gal Happy Dating!! 

Ex Girlfriends Sister Date Recap

If anyone ever says in the future “imagine sleeping with one of your ex’s sisters” I will answer with “mate read my blog; been there done that!”  

So let’s give this blog a sprinkle of a background story before recapping the date. Quite a few girls ago… I mean years ago… undoubtedly the same thing, I dated this stunning chick, absolute10 out of 10, even her personality would have been a solid 8. She was almost bloody perfect. Except for when she drunk, she would flirt with anything and anyone, eventually to the point where she cheated. So that’s what happened and we broke up but I stayed in touch with her sisters and mum on facebook. I kinda wish that I could say I got revenge on her by shagging her mum, but I didn’t, I just broke up with her and wisely moved on…….. until last Thursday. 

 

As I said, I had kept in contact with her mum and sisters, but only as acquaintances on facebook. All of a sudden out of the blue her eldest sister began messaging me last Thursday. After a bit of back and forth banter she asked me out for a drink the following night and the Hashtag #ExGirlfriendsSisterDate was born.

 

Let us recap: after work I met up with one of the bros at the local. We ended up getting dinner there and admittedly I had one too many brews, considering it was still early evening. Anyway I managed to wander past a few bars to meet her just after 8.30pm luckily she had only just arrived, I could see her from across the packed bar and fuck me she looked beautiful. We started chatting and soon enough her sister, my ex was brought up, apparently a leopard doesn’t change its spots, because according to my date she has had a string of boyfriends but can’t keep ‘em since, yup you guessed it; she cheats. 

We started flirting quite quickly, she even began bragging about how much more wild she was compared to her sister, I jokingly asked her to prove it, to which she says “buy me some tequila shots and i will”. We started shotting a tray of tequila shots, which after the fourth one made me vomit in my mouth a little. I kept giving her shit saying “your sister is way wilder” and then she looked me in the eye with a naughty grin “I bet she never did this.” She then went under the table we were sitting at and started undoing my pants. My eyes started darting around the room to see if anyone in the packed bar was watching, luckily no one was. She started sucking me off as I pretended to go on my phone, holy shit this was crazy! She was down there for a couple of minutes then stopped and re-emerged. “You are crazy!” I said smiling as she took a swig of her wine “let’s get out of here, I’m really wet” she said grinning. Bloody hell you don’t have to tell me twice. 

 

We went back to her place and started shagging, I sensed she was trying to be more crazy than she would normally be, by making me shove a finger up her bum and eventually goading me to partake in anal… a shitty time. I stayed at her place the entire night, high fiving myself silently while she slept, thinking that I had finally got some sweet revenge on my ex. Now to send my ex the selfie I took of me and her older sister in bed haha.