As I walked into this fancy apartment on the beach of the beautiful Mount Maunganui the first thing I saw was a dude stark naked with a pineapple ring on his erect penis. Well fuck me I’m not in Kansas anymore I told my friend, no no no I was at a swingers party!
Guy meets girl, they have fun nothing serious just pure adult fun – no strings attached. As simple as that sounds and to most young guys that sounds like a fucking dream situation to be in, it sadly isn’t. Girls have feelings and as much as they can agree with you that its just fun, nine times out of ten they form an attachment. Now I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but depending on the girl you have to tread very carefully when it comes to her feelings, always reminding her you just want fun. Now just picture a girl that falls for you, now add some psycho friends of hers into the mix and you have a recipe for bloody disaster. The last few weeks I have been seeing this girl called Krystal, a really really fun girl who I thought had the same mind set as me as it came to having fun. Oh how wrong I was.
After the last girl I met off Tinder which turned out to be a guy with a fucking foot fetish I was slightly reluctant to dabble with that app again, but like a junkie with a heroine habit I had to give it another go. I start the usual swipe right if you like crap and its not long before I start chatting to a girl called Krystal who seems alot of fun, we ended up meeting up last Thursday for a drink. That weekend was great, having sex every night. Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I felt like she was made of elastic bending her body in ways which made me feel as if I was fucking a rubber band. I thought to myself, shit I could get used to this friends with benefits stuff (thats what we had agreed it would be). Come Monday it was back to work for me. My phone started buzzing at around morning tea time, it was telling me I had friend requests on Facebook from Krystals mates. Weird I thought but I accepted. I went around to her place on Tuesday night for a shag, as I walked in her friends off Facebook were there with her in the lounge. For the next half hour I got grilled by them with questions like “so what is this thing you and Krystal have?”, “are you going to ask her out”, “are you just messing her around”. Jesus Christ it felt like I was getting the third degree, when they finally left I asked Krystal what the hell was that about and as if she had rehearsed her answer she said “well I really like you and I think its time we called ourselves a couple, my mates agree with me”. A couple?! It was time to pull the ejector seat on this shit “whoa whoa wait a minute, I told you I don’t want a girlfriend and we both agreed this was just a bit of fun, friends with benefits”. She suddenly burst into tears “I fucking love you though Sean, we are perfect together”. She continued to sob and sob, I did my best to calm her down and I reminded her this was supposed to be just a bit of fun, she then told me I better go home. From that day on I have been getting abuse messages from her friends saying how much of a using prick I am and messages from her spanning from ones saying “I love you” and then to the polar opposite of “fuck you”. Luckily like all good apps most have block buttons, so after a few days worth of abuse and almost starting to believe her friends that I was a terrible human being, I finally block all those mother suckers. I know at least one of her friends will be reading this so to Amy this message is for you – hear all the facts before you Facebook, text and viber a guy horrible messages it just might save you from looking like a c*nt
BOOM!!! No STD/STI! I’m clean. Got that great news back on Tuesday which is such a relief. All the nervous scratching down there and constant thought of “am I clean?” can finally be put to rest. If I had to make a survival kit for having a one night stand, especially with someone off tinder, it would definitely consist of a box of condoms and possibly pepper spray if that chick be crazy. (Remember hitting woman isn’t cool, but if they hitting you I bet you wish you had listened to me about buying some pepper spray!) Anyway, here is Round 3 – the final round of my weekend road trip, Auckland here I come! ;);P
I awake at my mates place in Mount Maunganui attempting to piece together what happened last night. Luckily these days I take notes and videos while I’m drunk so I can write the most accurate account of what happened, such a geek aye! At this stage its lunchtime, so it’s time to make my way up to Auckland. Still hung over I smash back a Blue powerade sports drink that usually seems to make things slightly better. I pick up my two mates from Hamilton on the way. They have already started making their way through their first box when I pick them up. My Auckland mate Azza lives in Mt Roskill in this lush two story house. As soon as we get there we are greeted by Azza with a warm smile and cold beer. We start drinking, drinking and more drinking. Soon the afternoon becomes evening and evening becomes night. The rugby league has just finished so we decide to start getting ready to hit town. I get into my routine which seems to come so naturally when I’m drunk. Hot cloth, cold cloth, face moisturizer. Hair wax, deodorant, cologne and then town clothes. Such an effort to look good! We get into town at about midnight. We spent a good hour down the viaduct which was so costly. We met these Canadian girls who suggested we follow them to Globe night club, Jesus I would follow these blonde bombshells anywhere! We headed to Globe night club which was awesome. We danced and danced with these Canadian girls even though they told us they had boyfriends. They asked what I did for a job so I pulled the “I am a tattooist” card which they thought was awesome, obviously. They told me their friend would probably like me and we should go meet her, I asked where and they said Show Girls the strip club.
“Please welcome to the stage the saucy sultry siren!!” booms the DJ and out comes the sexiest blonde girl I have seen in ages. She has a banging body and works the pole as if it was a part of her. After her routine is finished she comes over and hugs her friends. “Who are these guys?” she asks in her Canadian accent. They introduce us and quickly announce that I’m a tattooist. That’s all it took, she is suddenly all over me asking me questions, showing me her tattoos and flirting. I ordered a private lap dance off her, which cost me 150 bucks. Stuff started to get hot and heavy in the private rooms. She immediately got naked putting her legs over my head letting me lick her vag which she seemed to enjoy a lot. We started hooking up and she gave me a hand job. I asked when she finished and she said 4, me being forth coming I asked if she wanted to come back to my mates place but she said no! She had a better idea, she told me to go back to her place with her friends, sweet! She told her friends what was happening so I bid farewell to my mates and went back to her friends place.
These girls have the nicest apartment right in the city, as I waited for the stripper to finish work one of her friends went to bed but the other one stayed up with me. I knew she had a boyfriend (or so she said) so I didn’t wanna flirt with her, plus I was waiting for her mate. She came and sat right next to me, and then started snuggling into me. The next thing I knew we were kissing and off to her bedroom I went. We had sex for about half an hour which was pretty great, probably greater because her mate was coming home soon. After we had finished I quickly got changed and waited on the couch for round 2. The stripper finally came home and it was all on again. She brought some toys home from her job, looking back on it I bloody hope they were sanitized! She tied me to her bed post and began whipping me which fucking hurt and started to make me bleed on my stomach; I played along with this weird shit until it really started to hurt. She wanted me to do her now. By this stage I was pissed off with how sore she had whipped me, so I gladly grabbed that whip and whipped the shit out of her. To my surprise she fucking loved it! After this weird foreplay we finally had sex which was great and went to sleep. I got a taxi in the morning back to Azza’s, I told the boys what went down and it was as if I had won lotto there were high fives all around – typical lad shit.
That brings the curtain on my big weekend road trip, thanks for reading I think I am gonna have this week off the booze so I can let my poor liver recover!