Black Eyed Shagga 

After playing a brutal rugby tournament last Saturday which included yours truly scoring a great try, the sweet sound of beer bottles cracking open was music to my ears. After sinking at least half a dozen in the changing rooms I jumped in a mini van full of us boys and headed off to a house to continue drinking. 

Everything was going great, all us guys analysing the game we had just played, each of us trying to put our two cents in on how if we had played differently we could have won the whole tournament. Suddenly I remembered that none of them had seen my tattoo I have recently gotten of my one millionth Twitter follower which turned out to be @BieberFeverrr16, obviously a Justin Bieber fan. Well me being me and not thinking twice I begin to parade my new tattoo off to everyone. One thing that fucks me off is when your in a group of people, there is always a couple of them that ignore you when your talking or showing something, it grates on my nerves. So thinking one of the boys was deliberately ignoring me (which he bloody was!) I thrust my arm in his face “seen my new tattoo mate” and the next thing I know I’m waking up on the ground with an extremely sore face. The wanker had punched me in the face and knocked me out, I look up from the ground feeling pretty dazed and confused to a couple of the boys pushing him back and asking why he did that for. I remember him saying “I fucking hate Justin Bieber, thats the stupidest thing I have ever seen, and he put it right in my face”. I get up holding my face “what the fuck bro?” I say to him. He glanced over at me realising what he had done and suddenly became really apologetic. We managed to hug it out just before the taxi to town got there. 

With a puffed up cheek I was pretty reluctant to go to town but I thought buggar it i’ll go. Now this might be hard to believe but I got more attention from girls than ever before! “aww your poor face” “are you ok” “what happened!?” are just a few comments from girls I got at the club. Who would of thought getting whacked in the head would be such a great opener to talk to girls! Well I ended up turning a negative of getting punched in the face into a  positive by scoring a pretty nice looking chick. I shagged in her the night club toilets as she didn’t wanna ditch her friends. Funny how she said “I can’t hear you over this music, lets go in here and talk”. I can tell you right now that there wasn’t any fucking talking that took place, because when the door shut she whipped down my pants faster then I could string the sentence “what do you wanna talk about” together. 

Well thats it from this black eyed shagga, thanks so much for reading and remember when something appears to be bad it can always turn itself into some good 😊

Mulligan in the Middle

When you think of the Irish you think of three things; awesome accent, leprechauns and one hell of a great drinking ability. After this St Paddys day all that comes to mind when I think of the Irish is angry red headed crazy women.

Anyway lets start from the beginning. After a pretty hard day at work I looked on my Facebook and realised it was St Paddys day. It had totally slipped my mind, even though it was a Tuesday and I was still recovering from a huge hangover from The Eagles concert, I had to go out! I convinced my flatmate Tony to come out with me, I asked him if his friend could drop us in because drinking and driving is a big no no guys.

We got dropped to town at about half nine, as we exited the car the sound of Irish folk music could be heard bellowing out of the Irish pub called the Mount Melic. We walk in and were greeted warmly by the bar staff who where in the Saint Paddies spirit. I brought a Guinness beer which is an authentic Irish beer, you either love it or hate it and I freaking love it. Being as it was Saint Paddies day they were on special so I threw a good 5 of them down my throat. The place was so busy with the dance floor pumping. I started dancing doing the Mulligan Shuffle which is basically a drunk version of a bobble head toy, add a couple of arms swinging about and hey presto – you have the Mulligan Shuffle! I started throwing it down on the d floor and got the attention of two pretty attractive girls. We started dancing together, one was blonde and the other had ginger hair. We were having such a great time, my mate tapped me on the shoulder and said he was off home, buggar that I thought i’m staying!

I continued dancing, the ginger chick went out for a smoke and me and the blondie continued dancing and began hooking up. When ginger spice came back blondie had shot off to the toilet, so I started dancing with her and then we started to hook up. “This is fucking brilliant!!” I thought to myself. Blondie came back and we continued all dancing together, both chicks grinding on me. “Do you want come back to our hostel?” Ginger spice asked over the music in a very thick Irish accent. “yea for sure” I said with a smirk. Then suddenly the blonde girl asked the same question in her thick accent, I gave her the same answer. So off the three of us went back to the backpackers. When we got there they had two separate beds. The blondie grabbed my hand and started to guide me to her bed “Morgan?! what the fuck are you doing, he is fucking mine!!” Ginger spice said grabbing my other arm. “fuck of bitch you always do this! I invited him back” replied Blondie” No you fucking didn’t I did!” Ginger snapped back. Suddenly it was all on! A angry ginger spice pulled blondies hair. Whack!! Blondie retaliated with a huge slap, they tackled each other to the floor. I wasn’t sure if I should be turned on or shocked but either way I was loving it. “Ok ok ok thats enough” I said attempting to break them up which was harder than I thought. I explained what had happened at the club, playing the innocent guy in the middle. “There is plenty of me to go around, why don’t you two make up and lets turn the lights off and see what happens” I said. They both looked at me probably thinking “oh this poor guy” and then looked at each other and apologised, “thank fuck for that!” I thought. I turned off the lights and it was all on! Luckily I popped a viagra earlier because these two chicks were two goers and wanted to use me as much as they could. I felt like my penis was a fucking gear stick with two drivers taking turns with it. It went from being in neutral, to reverse then top gear for a couple of hours. They went to sleep at about 6 so I grabbed my clothes and tip toed out of there with my gear stick still rock hard. What a crazy bloody night!

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Jelly Wrestling Jail Time

As I stared blankly at this poorly painted wall I looked down at my skinned knuckles wishing I had my phone on me. “I need to remember what happened tonight” I thought. I hadn’t lost my phone or anything; in fact it was in arguably very safe hands, I just couldn’t get to it. I started to look around at my surroundings. One ginger haired guy was asleep next to me and about two metres away another guy was pacing back and fourth like an idiot. Talking to himself emphasising the F words to sound real bad ass. No, I wasn’t at some dodgy Hamilton night spot I was in the Wellington Cells/Jail.

I flew down to Wellington last week for a work conference thing and liking it down there so much I decided to stay another night at the motel. It was O week last week which is a week-long celebration and orientation to welcome university students and help to familiarise themselves with the local surroundings, which has evolved into the night clubs being open every night of the week with different themes each night. After pre loading on drinks at my motel I stumbled into town. I met one of my friends who works in Wellington at Courtenay Place, where the majority of the clubs were going off. Every place was packed with university students and everyone was having a great time. Shots of blue looking liqueur were only $2 at one of the clubs, so I happily exchanged my crisp $20 note for 10 and downed every one of them. By this time my drunken confidence was at an all time high and saw that the club I was in was having a jelly wrestling tournament. I chucked my name down and waited for my turn. The event was in the middle of the club which consisted of an oversized kids paddling pool filled with lubrication gel. The rules were simple; two people got into the paddling pool and the winner is either the one left standing or the one that lands on top of the opponent. “Heat 8 Sean and Connor come on down” the dj called out. I was pitted against this person that looked liked a fucking carrot. He had the brightest, most ginger hair I had ever seen and he was muscly as! “Fuck i’m going to lose” I thought to myself. As we squared off he began hurling some verbal abuse at me, looking around I saw all of his gym boyfriends egging him on. Suddenly he slapped me really hard in the face. The ref was some hot girl who was pretty much there for decoration, she told him no slapping. Not one to be out done I wound my right arm up and slapped the shit out of him which made him slip and stumble over. I had won but it wasn’t over, he tackled me and began laying in punches yelling at me that I had punched him (it was a slap!) I fought back a bit until it was broken up. My knuckles were bleeding which still confuses me as to how that happened. As all of this was unfolding two police officers were doing a walk through the club and witnessed the incident. Grabbing us both they took us outside into an awaiting paddy wagon to a chorus of boos from all the other party goers. We both were still topless and drenched in lube FML.

When we got to the police station the police officers couldn’t stop cracking jokes at us about how silly two topless guys covered in lube looked. In hinds sight we must have but these young cops were acting like massive douches. We both got warnings and had to stay in the cells for awhile which turned out to be three hours. I asked Connor why he started a fight and he thought I had punched him. I told him I had just slapped him back, he apologised, I accepted and we were all good.

We got out of there at about 3am, we got our phones back and got given t-shirts out of the lost property to wear. Connors friends had gone home to Lower Hutt, I suggested we go to the strip club and he happily agreed. We stayed there until 5am, then I stumbled back to my motel alone. If it wasn’t for spending time in the cells that night was shaping up to be awesome, oh well there is always next time!

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FIGHT FOR LIFE BLOG

TONIGHTS THE NIGHT!!! Its the Fight For Life Boxing event live on Sky PPV, and for the first time ever its being held in my old shagging ground Hamilton!

I have been to Fight for Life a couple of years ago when they held it in Auckland and it was awesome. If you don’t know these Fight for Life boxing events are done to raise money for charity. This year i believe its the Hospice Waikato charity.

Last time I went Christian Cullen fought my favourite league player ever – Issac Luke. There was a van load of us boys from our local rugby team that headed up. The event was awesome, top to bottom the card was stacked with awesome fights. My favourite fight of the night though had to be the womens fight between Hayley Holt and Paige Hareb. These girls slugged it out and gave it their all and the crowd went nuts! Tonights fight between Millie Elder-Holmes and Frankie Adams is going to be awesome.

After the event all us boys went to town to go clubbing. We were all pretty liquored so I decided to get the boys to give me a black eye which they reluctantly agreed too. About four of them lined up and swung away at my face. Three of them connected sweetly but the fourth guy was wasted and whacked me square in the nose. Blood started seeping out everywhere, SHIT!! I was so pissed off but I couldn’t really blame my mate though it was my own stupid idea after all. So there I was in town black eye and all. Suddenly all these girls kept coming up to me and asking if I was alright. My response was “yeah i’m fine, i’ve just been in a boxing fight earlier on”. The girls bloody loved it, was a great talking point and to be honest, it got me pretty lucky 😉

Anyway! Fight For Life is on tonight, book it on Sky PPV or come to Hamilton to watch it live. You definitely won’t be disappointed! Just if you go out in Hamilton afterwards and decide to go home with someone, wear protection. They don’t call Hamilton the chlamydia capital of New Zealand for fun! IMG_0028.JPG